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Hi! So I will start with my story. I grew up with a loving family. My father cheated on my mother when I was around 9 or 10... They stayed together and totally put me in the middle of EVERYTHING. At that point, I became more of a friend than a daughter. I began to act up, and fight very intensely with my mother. I was sent to temper management counseling, and my shrink told me I was adopted at 3 days old, I guess in an attempt to have me be grateful and stop being a brat. I started smoking pot and doing drugs at 11. So now, here's where it gets funner. I never had any discipline. I ran away, and I was given money when I got home. In retrospect, I'm sure they were insecure. I was always made fun of at school of course, just to add to it. Always defensive when the topic of my birth came up, my mother never answered any questions. She is Jewish and Caucasian. She always raised me to be racist. I always grew up having crushes on Puff Daddy (ew I know) and she would always say I can't marry a black man. Or hang out with the girls. One day, I was about 14, I snooped in her room and found my papers. It didn't have ID info, just the basic stuff. Well, I found out I was half black, among other things. And I was told that my natural mother did not ever want to have anything to do with me. I was told the adoption was closed, and the father was a rapist. So I moved out of my house at 16, my parents even still help support me now, I hate to say that they are a burden on me, but they want so much from me! They want me to answer the phone over 10 times a day, handle their finances, and give them more love than I can do, I mean I have a job... I'm not a stay home mom! So I'm 23 now... I moved across the country and they followed me, well 5 hours away by car. And I had a strong nightmare involving my neighbor coming over and telling me the reason I am having such deep issues is because I am not facing the situation. I've always just acted like it wasn't a big deal. I've had a few romantic relationships, but always with jerks that never gave me the time of the day. Like never called, I always carried it on my back. This year, I promised myself I would fix the problem before I end up with one of those jerks in the long term. I always just pinned it as 'only child syndrome'. Now I'm not so sure. Anyways, I rifled through the papers i stole and found the attorney's name that handled the adoption. Surprisingly enough she is still practicing. i emailed her yesterday and she remembered me! She said that she knew my birth mother and liked her a lot and remembered how hard on her this was. She said that there were a couple letters she was going to send me. She also informed me that this was an open adoption since I was 18 and that the release papers had been signed at the hospital! My a-parents said there were never any letters!!!! The lawyer said she was going to look for her and get back to me and even told me her first name.When I called my mom to ask what the hell she made it all about her! Saying I don't think she is a good parent. I yelled and I said to stop making this all about her! Then she asked if she can come too to meet her. I don't even know if my b-mom is alive, or if she wants anything to do with me.... the lawyer still hasnt written me back which just totally sucks! i have been going through such a mental breakdown! I am so sick of pretending like this adoption doesnt matter. I am so sick of no one understanding. i am so scared that the fact that I cant find a companion or a career choice has to do with this! I am so scared that she doesnt want to have anything to do with me! I am taking my GMaT to try and apply to business school on Thursday and I cant study or focus at all! I am just confused in general. And angry! I can't talk to my a-mom right now and she alays makes me feel guilty she has high blood pressure and a heart condition and bills are due that they need me to pay since they are not managing the money anymore. I love them and I don't want to take it out on them, but I am so confused! Does anyone have any similarities in their lives with what i went through? Any advice?:hissy: :hissy:
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I hope you find what you are after. I am a birthmom and haven't gone through what you have. I just wanted to let you know there is lots of support here. I think about my biological daughter everyday. She is 18 and has told me she is not ready for a reunion. That's one of the possible outcomes if you find you birthmom. In the mean time I would read here and get some books on adpotees and reunions. Blessings!
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I know when I was 18, I was def. not ready. I needed to be at least somewhat comfortable in my own skin before I could see where I came from. I have 2 friends that were adopted, both of their parents were drug addicts. That's hard, to see that you came from someone you would never want to be like, or that you are scared you will turn into. I had drug problems at 18, and to know that my b-mother also did might have made me feel helpless against it, and I may have continued on the same route. I pulled myself out of that rut... but I am glad she didn't meet me while I was so confused and young.
At this point, you will need to be your own advocate on all sides of the situation and make your own decisions. I would also recommend starting up counseling again as it looks as if your situation is sadly complicatde by things outside of your control, and even the most straighforward "reunions" can send one into an emotional tailspin. Make sure you find a counselor who specializes in adoption issues. It sounds as if your mom has operated from deep insecurity as a parent your entire life (not telling you you were adopted, no discipline, being a friend instead of a parent, cultivating dependence on you so you will feel responsible for her, lying about release papers, trying to make you averse to your biological roots, etc., etc.) so the chances that she now would suddenly start being truly motherly be considering your needs before her own are slim to none. She is afraid, as she has been your whole life. It has led her to make poor decisions and will likely continue to do so. I hope she can heal someday. God bless you as you being your search. I hope you find a healthy woman who is happy to see you. :)