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My husband and I are trying to adopt for the first time (domestic). We've been matched with a birthmother for 4 months, have had open communication, and have even attended 2 ultrasound appointments with her. We've just learned that she has been concealing the fact that she is married. Her husband is in prison with a listed earliest release date of 2011. She says he is not the father of the baby, but given other information that has come to the surface, we really aren't sure about that. We do know that the husband has so far indicated that he is not waiving his rights. The birthmother says that he has written a letter to her saying that he only did this to make her angry, but again, we don't have a lot of faith in her reports right now. She has told our agency that she is determined to place the baby for adoption and that if we aren't willing to take on the risk of this situation, she wants to be re-matched with someone who will.
My husband and I have agonized over this for 2 weeks now and still don't know what to do. To top it all off, we don't feel like we're getting good advice from our attorney OR from our agency. So I guess I'm just putting this out here -- how likely is it that a man in prison would be able to successfully contest the adoption? Would he be able to file continuances endlessly? (Our attorney says that he ended up all the way at the Supreme Court the last time he represented an adoptive couple against a birthfather in prison -- and that the couple paid $80k in legal fees!!) If this could be settled with one court appearance, how much extra does that typically end up costing a couple?
We very much want this to work out. The husband (who may or may not be father) has been in and out of prison, and we don't believe he's capable of appropriately parenting this baby. And we already feel so attached! We had just learned that the baby was a girl the day before we found out for sure that the birthmother is married...
Any thoughts/input welcome. Thank you!
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Hi! sorry you are going through all this! I hope you have gotten some answers since you posted.
I don't have any great advice-but I just want to throw something out there.
If she is married, even if her husband is not the biological father, he is still the LEGAL father (confusing, I know). What that means is that you would need to pursue TPR on both the husband, AND the bio father (if it is not the husband).
I just wanted to make sure you understand that even if this man is not the bio father, he could still contest the adoption (or not agree to it). It doesn't sound like anyone has told you that yet.
Let us know what you decide.
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Thanks, both of you, for taking the time to reply.
Our attorney has advised us not to proceed with this. We've been trying to hold out for just a little bit, waiting to see if perhaps the husband had a change of heart after his initial reaction -- figured it was a slim chance, but possible, if he truly did tell her that he was only refusing to waive his rights in order to make her angry. It makes me sick to think about walking away from this situation after spending 4 months getting to know the birthmother and going to dr. appts., but we just don't feel like we can spend another 4 months waiting to see what happens, and knowing that we're taking a huge emotional and financial risk. The birthmother has stopped regular contact with the agency, anyway, so we're not getting any new information. I hate to think that a wealthier couple or one that's willing to take a bigger risk might just step in and take over where we left off, but we have to look out for ourselves, I guess, and even though we haven't been very happy with our attorney so far, we also can't ignore his advice given the complexities of the situation (some of which I've written about and some I haven't...).
We're sitting down with our agency on Monday to see where we go from here, and then just trying to enjoy the holidays and to get used to the fact that we're starting all over again.
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Oh my, I cannot imagine how heartbroken you must feel. I am glad that you have made the right decision as difficult as it is. Just reading the stories here of how PAPs have been in similar situations will confirm what can happen down the line. Your baby IS out there and will find your arms, believe me.
Sometimes the risk being so great simply is God.s way of saying "this is just not meant to be"
I am not an AP but an adoptee and I can tell you having lived in a home where there was a failed match was something that I will never forget. In my family's case the babyboy was living in our home for 6 weeks. We were all in love and at 6 years old I was over the moon after being an only child who finally had an answered prayer of a baby brother only to have bonded and have the child return to a foster home until things could be sorted out. At that point my parents had to back out but 2 and a half months later the baby was free for adoption and was adopted by another family that were friends of my family.
What I mean to say is it is better that you back out now then to get to the point of a long drawn out legal battle only to end up with an even harder heartbreak and drain finances. At least now you can be matched with the baby that was meant to be yours.
To answer your question, yes bdads can fight the adoption plan while incarcerated and they seem to do a good job of it too being that they have all the time in the world to commeserate with jailhouse laywers. Even if they dn't win in contesting the adoption believe me they will draw it out for such a long period of time just because they can.
I pray that yur baby finds your arms soon.
EZ
And know that God is in control. If you have to move on try not to look at it as "wasted" time but a lesson learned. Also trust your gut more than lawyers and agencies. There is a baby for you out there and it will happen in God's time and with no complications.
sorry, if I sound preachy but I just can't help it.
Your in my thoughts and prayers:grouphug: