Im Missing half of my heart

Everything is so raw right now. You recently gave birth, your hormones are all over the place, and you are apart from your baby. For me, the first year was the very hardest, and the worst of it was leaving the hospital without my child and those weeks right after. I placed my son for similar reasons as you did, among other reasons. I still believe I made the right decision. For me, the pain lessened in time, and I never regretted my decision (just my circumstances). I did get a lot of counseling, however. It is very hard to go through this alone. There is a lot of support here, but I also think it is important to talk to someone face to face, and if you can find a birthmother support group, that would be good, too. You will not forget your child. :grouphug: :grouphug:

Today i feel better although its still hard....i didnt cry today...i set up a appointment to speack with the counsler on december 31st the day after i meet the Adoptive partent........(writing this makes me wanna cry) i write in a journal every day about her so i dont have to keep it on my mind all day...i Love her ..but i think its geting better.. * Thanx you guys for ALL of your support * I have been defending my ecision for a while and its nice to have support.

Im happy to hear you had a good day, There will still be some bumps in the road just know you will be ok. I think the journal is a great idea i always say i will do that but never do kinda scary to look back at what you right ya know. Best of luck you been in my thoughts :love:

Glad to see you are having a better day. It will be like that, some days will be better than others, and some days you will just need to grieve and cry and get it all out. Allow yourself time to heal, and YES, you can heal. :grouphug: :grouphug:

I met the parents and everything and it was so much relieving to see the parents in person.....I still love my baby and can't stress that enough......I didn't cry but sometimes I have my days....right now its hard to be around babies because I don't have minds........I jus hope in 18 years she will seek me out...and we can spend lots time together.....I am happy that my baby is happy, healthy and safe and I can go to sleep alittle better at night.....to everyone that have been thru this I really admire your courage and desire to seek out parents for ur babies.....and trusting someone to care for a piece of you......good luck to everyone and I hope it works out......!!!

Oh, Honey, you will NEVER forget her. It's hard..and heartbreaking. I suggest all that others before me, suggested...counseling, grief therapy, and group therapy for 1st parents. I also suggest you keep a couple of diaries...one for yourself to write your feelings in, and one for your daughter..to give to her when you have reunion in a few years. You can even buy her a birthday card every year and keep it for her. I'm sure you'll come up with ideas of your own. Do things to help you through it. I won't say to help you heal, because in most cases, the healing doesn't start until after reunion, and you find the rest of your heart. Also keep coming here to this site. There are many of us that are going through the process. We can all support you. I wish I'd had this site to go to during my years of yearning for my child, and going through the pain of separation. I didn't "choose" adoption...it was forced on me. I know that there are a lot of other 1st moms on here that had it forced on them, too. I wish you well. Please keep in touch with us. Love,Rosie

i am in the same place. i just gave my son up on dec 11th. i feel the same way. i dont think about anything else bc the emotions are so strong right now. if you need to talk, i will listen and i truly do understand. caitlinelliottwilson@gmail.com

I feel the same way = my daughter was aopted 30 years ago, and the emotions are still so strong - she is almost the only thing I think of - best, fc

I am a 50 year old adoptee and was touched to read about your emotional connection with your girl. She will think of and love you too. I do my birthmother and write her every birthday. Hugs - PJ :love:

I was wondering ..how is it after that 18 year period....how long did you wait before he or she seeked you out...? I am really nervouse about that part i just want it to work out..and for her to feel complete wen she meet me not broken in pieces.

Jassy, I will assume by your name you are somewhere in the mid-teens, and yes you do still have hormones that will, for some time be off the charts. Relinquishing a child is unnatural for the Mother and child. There is no way possible to ever "get over" this act, that we as Firstmoms have to now face. How can we, when this child formed, developed, and grew inside our womb...truly a miracle gift from GOD, for not all of us are capable of this miraculous act. For the first year, I was just numb, and do not recall alot of my life. i even managed to block alot of my decisions and daily life out. For instance, until about 4 months ago, I had forgotten about the ride home from signing those papers. I only remembered because my C.I.(confidential Intermmediary) was asked by a judge that I write a letter of all the events that led up to my babies(twins) being taken from me. This letter was in many ways cathardic,(meaning helpful to relive those last few months that led to relinquishing.) My point without getting too much into MY story, is simply ..you will move forward, days will seem a little meaningless at times, but the pain will and does lesson. I was told nothing about adoption, what happens, how it takes place, no counseling, no nothing. I was very unaware of any rights I might have. These days are a little better, by that having open-adoption- to semi-open adoption. Getting to meet the parents and know them. Do you have an open adoption ? How often will you get updates, or see her? I feel there has been baby steps made in the adoption industry, but a long ways to go. As for the next 18 yrs, I BEG OF YOU , to not think in this term of TIME! You are young, you will need to go on, and make you and your daughter, along with other children to come , proud of the accomplishments you wish to make. Maybe an education in child phsycology/social work. To possibly educate other women about the pains and ramifications of choosing to relinquish a child. When 18 yrs(which seems to be the magical number) gets here, you will be able to tell her all the things you accomplished from having to allow someone else to raise her. Please try so hard to do this 1 day at a time and make a plan for your future, for now this is all any of us can do. I hope to one day meet my twin sons, whom are now grown young adults(22 yrs.old) and I hope to see with my own eyes that ALL I endured was for a greater good. Time has a way to pass by, quickly, and one day you wake up and see that the eyes truly are the window to your sole. You are able to see, when you look into that mirror, that all things have a reason. I feel there is a purpose to all we go through...it just may take some time to figure it out! So try to get stronger each day, and do things that will place you in an even better place tomorrow...this will make your daughter so so proud. My Father,GOD REST HIS SOLE, once took me for a car ride, he turned the rear-view mirror to face me. He said , "Connie, look into that mirror, what do you see? I told him I saw what was behind us. He said that is correct, everything in that rear-view mirror is from that moment on ..in your past. He turned the mirror back, and told me to look ahead...everything up in front of us IS our future." Jassy, please make the best of all the tomorrows, life is short and we only get 1 chance...Please keep posting and visit with us...Blessings...C.J.:cheer:

Thank you for sharing, and it is reassuring to hear from you and many others that time does make it better. I gave my son up the day after you did, and went through the same thoughts, and still do. I also write in a journal, but I write to my son, so that when or if he wants to meet me he has something that he can read that shows him how I really felt about it, and that I really did love him. I also am seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants, I don't know what works for everyone but I do highly recommend seeking therapy. They can give you great tools of how to deal with your grief, pain, sorrow and sadness.

I am so sorry for your loss. I remember leaving the hospital empty handed. My heart was so full and my arms so empty! that was 18 years ago and still think of her daily but in a different light. i think about how great she must be doing and if she will be graduating this year! I know she knows that i loved her and that is why i placed her and you little girl will too! it truly is an act of love! Remember that!

Dear Jassy, You will get through this, I promise you. You did the most loving, unselfish thing you could do - so be kind to yourself, and remind yourself of this each day.. I was 16 when I was sent away from Hawaii to a Home in Portland Oregon, in 1960, to have my baby. I had to live there for four and a half months until she was born; then I gave her away. She found me four years ago, and we reunited. She had a good life, loving parents, and thanked me for what I had done. I care about you. Judy

My Daughter is almost a year old.....I still miss her of course ....i Usually do better but today i just feel extremely overwhelmed for some reason.....I feel like im in a dark zone....but other than that i am usually fine...I recieve many pictures of her and she is geting soo big and im glad i gave her a chance even tho its not with me........I never wrote the letter for her...Im kinda scared to ...its like im scared to cry but i think i have the strength now to actually do it...but im still working on what exactly to write and wat to do it.......