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Help all Foster Parents, Social Workers, and Adoptive Parents! I need advice!
We have two adopted children in our home whom were adopted through a fost adopt situation. M is now 10 (11 in Jan) and J is 9. They have been in our home for over 4 years. Their adoption was final 12/31/04. J has been angry since coming to our home, understandably so with us being his 6th home in 2 years and be yanked away from his mom at 2 years old. I do understand his anger and pain. Well the last 4 years have been tough needless to say. He has been throwing is anger at me for that whole time. We have told both of them to ask any questions they want, justbesure you are ready to hear the answer. J wanted to see a picture of his Bmom. I have contact with his paternal Aunt who loves them very much and has told me that these two are in the best place they could be. The Bparents in this case were given ample opportunity to reconcile with their children. They started following the reunification plan then quit/gave up. The Bdad actully kept to the plan longer than the bmom. I know I cannot reason with my young son. I too being an adoptee understand the drive/desire to go back to the bmom. He was bitter angry with me today and extremely disrespectful. I sent him to his room. Well older brother D came and told me that J was going to run away. So I went upstairs and asked J why he was so mad and he said "5 things, 1 is something, 2 is something, 3 is something, 4 is something, and 5 is something". I said ok and started to get up. He says "1 is I want a picture of T (Bmom) dad said it was ok why can't you just agree and give it to me?" I said I will not make a decision without talking to dad first. He says "2 is" picks up his math (we homeschool) and starts working, however I can see that he is crying. I say "Two must be big cuz you are crying" He didn't say anything, so I pull him on to my lap and he says "I don't want to make you cry". "I say, forget about me this is about you tell me". Hey says " I want to go back, I love my mom and dad." I say, "How long have you been feeling like this?" He says, "Seven years. I remember when we left I said I miss her already."
He has spent the last seven years trying to make everyone hate him so they will send him back to T and L. I hugged him and said "Its ok to love them and miss them and want to go home." What do you think it will be like? He says I don't know I don't care I just want to go back.
Do I call and begin to allow him visits? I had visits with my Bmom at about 9 years old. What do I do? He says he loves me, yet treats me with utter anger and disrespect. I know that is because he is not able to angry and someone he does not see everyday.
Meanwhile sister M says just the opposite. She does love them but does not want to see them yet. She knows about the bioaunt and is happy we have contact with AuntP.
Help:hissy:
Gavi
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If he is not getting it now, it sounds like he could really, really use some professional help as in a therapist or counselor. He needs an impartial person to talk to about what he is feeling. He is probably able to understand some of the reasons why he can't be with his firstMom, but the issues sound so deep that he has a lot to reconcile and therapy would help him greatly. I'm sure you could find someone who has worked with other adopted kids.
Thank you, Yes I agreehe is grieving . For the first time in 4 years he is being honest with his feelings. I see the greiving steps. I told him it's going to be okay and you have hidden these feelings for so long that the truth can't hide. I saud you may cry for hours and for days and that is good. He says I want my mommy. I want my real mommy. We told him that yes she is his Mom however that she did not follow the reunification plan was a choice. And that a real mom is self sacrificing and one day he will see that his dad and I love him very much. Right now he is very sad. He was clearly in Denial, Anger, and now Grief. I see progress. Wow I'm exhausted, but this is for his future!
I love my babies!
Thank you for your support!
Gavi
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Gavriela,I don't know if this is any help to you. But I don't tell my son that his bmom wasn't self sacrificing enough, or that she "chose" not to follow her treatment plan. I tell him that she was "sick in her feelings" (she's mentally ill) and that she was using drugs that made it impossible for her to make good decisions. I truly believe that if my son's bmom could have followed her plan, she would have-----but she couldn't. She wasn't capable of parenting my son, but she did love him like crazy.I bet your son's mom loves him, too. I don't know your story, but I bet she did her best. Maybe she just couldn't do it. Introducing that kind of a story to your son might help him forgive, understand, and heal. I'd be very careful about making this a competition about which mom is the best mom. You might love him tons, be totally responsible, provide him with a wonderful life, and all the rest. But if you're asking him to reject the mom he loves in order to accept you, I do not think you will win. By helping him make a place in his heart for his bmom, by honoring her and by understanding his love for her, you might help him also make a space in is heart for you, too.My goal for my son---for all my fkids, actually---is to help them understand the truth, but in the most compassionate way possible. My message is, "The truth is, it's not safe to be with mom. She can't take care of kids. But she loves you a lot, and she wants you to be happy and have a good life."
It must be especially hard being an adoptee yourself and feeling his pain in a very personal way. It may help to know that this isn't a problem unique to foster kids. My brother and I were raised most of our lives by our mom and step-dad. So our biodad became somewhat of a fantasy for us. Every couple of years he would call or send a letter or present out of the blue which, of course, made him seem even more great. I know that it was very hard for my mom to constantly be compared to him and feel like the bad guy because she was the one who had to discipline us and tell us that we couldn't afford things.We finally got to meet our bio dad and actually lived with him for a year when I was about 8 and my brother was 9. Unfortunately I don't know that it improved our feelings about our mom any because my bio dad was able to spoil us rotten a lot and ignore most bad behavior since he knew we'd be leaving in a year. He still had his bad qualities but we were willing to ignore those and only remember the good stuff. What I'm saying is that visits with the bio parent won't necessarily make your son suddenly wake up and realize how awful his first mom is in comparison to you. It also won't guarantee a change for the better in his attitude or behavior. You might get the opposite. In my case, I think my brother's anger and defiance actually got worse.We tell our foster kids, including the two we hope to adopt, that their parents just aren't able to be good safe parents right now. We tell them that their parents want them to be safe and loved, and that's what we're trying to do. We plan to let them know that when they are adults and graduated then we will happily help them locate their other family members because then they will be big enough to take care of themselves.Jess
totally agree with Boulderbabe. I told my boys (2 sets of bio brothers-4 total) that their bio mom was mentally ill and couldn't take care of them. this way, bio mom isn't rejecting them. It's tougher when it comes to family members.
Scrapsathome
It must be especially hard being an adoptee yourself and feeling his pain in a very personal way. It may help to know that this isn't a problem unique to foster kids. My brother and I were raised most of our lives by our mom and step-dad. So our biodad became somewhat of a fantasy for us. Every couple of years he would call or send a letter or present out of the blue which, of course, made him seem even more great. I know that it was very hard for my mom to constantly be compared to him and feel like the bad guy because she was the one who had to discipline us and tell us that we couldn't afford things.
We finally got to meet our bio dad and actually lived with him for a year when I was about 8 and my brother was 9. Unfortunately I don't know that it improved our feelings about our mom any because my bio dad was able to spoil us rotten a lot and ignore most bad behavior since he knew we'd be leaving in a year. He still had his bad qualities but we were willing to ignore those and only remember the good stuff. What I'm saying is that visits with the bio parent won't necessarily make your son suddenly wake up and realize how awful his first mom is in comparison to you. It also won't guarantee a change for the better in his attitude or behavior. You might get the opposite. In my case, I think my brother's anger and defiance actually got worse.
We tell our foster kids, including the two we hope to adopt, that their parents just aren't able to be good safe parents right now. We tell them that their parents want them to be safe and loved, and that's what we're trying to do. We plan to let them know that when they are adults and graduated then we will happily help them locate their other family members because then they will be big enough to take care of themselves.
Jess
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hi,i am sorry your son is having such a hard time.he is at a age where adoption issues seem to pop up.i suggest finding a therapist with experience with adopted children to help him,sort his feelings out.he was young and probably does not remeber that much about his time with bmom.children tend to create fantasies about their bparents,and how they wish they were.does he have a life book?if not why not start one,and it wont hurt to have pics of his bios in there.please do not feel you have to handle this on your own.find support.god bless.