how i found out i was adopted

when i was young, i always knew. i think that there was a missing connection. i was very young when i was adopted.... only 3 days old. and i never paid much attention to how different i looked. i am of mixed race, but i never noticed the features i guess.. unconsciously, i think i did know. although i was very dependant on my a-parents, and still am, something always repelled me from them. it's a strange thing to say... but i never wanted to hug my mother.... i never really want to hug anyone. and i started acting up really badly around 10 years old. me and my a-mom started to have physical altercations, one of which had me sent to jail when i was 11 years old. i had a 'cousin' that was staying with us who was sent to steal my parent's identity.... that's a whole other story. lol, at least that isn't my genes. so she called the cops on me because of a pushing fight i was havng with my a-mom because she wanted to tile my room and she wouldn't let me do it bright yellw. hahaha in retrospect, thank goodness she didn't let that happen! anyways, i was court ordered to see a temper management therapist as a condition of my probation. she told the courts i was completely unreachable and distanced. but one of those sessions, she sat me down and asked if i would feel better if i knew i was adopted, and i shrieked yes!! and that was that. i found out then. and i was not surprised. it was like i always had known. my amom tried so hard, she even dyed her hair my color. but she never did tell me my nationality was half black... (she is white). in fact, the only way i ever did find out was because when i was 14, i went through her drawers and found my non-identifying papers. it was kind of hard to find out i was half black after she told me i was not allowed to hang out with the black girl i had befriended next door and how she always commented on how black people moving in was 'ruining the neighborhood. i always used to have crushes on black men growing up, and she always said that if i marry one, she will disown me. i don't know if it's because i found out that my father is a black rapist, or because of what she ingrained in me from childhood... but after later becoming sexually active, i have never been or desired intimacy with a black man. anyways, that's a whole other story in itself. i have a lot to work out. but i wish i had known earlier. yeah, it may be hard for a 5 year old to understand.... but we get enough issues from being abandoned. we don't need to feel betrayed also.