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Here's a bit of my story. My mother was widowed with 5 young children, I am the youngest. After our father died, Mom became pregnent with one of her boyfriends. He was married, so mom gave the child up for adoption. The child she gave up made contact with her about 4 years ago. Over a period of time mom told all of us five kids about this child and that they have had ongoing communication. Just this past year mom died very quickly and the last of us five kids was told prior to her death by her by her. Since it was such a short period of time we all were not able to create any type of relationship with this half-sibling.
Now that mom is gone and he has met all of us at her service, we are left to create any kind of relationship with him that we can, he has shared that he is interested, but I'm aware this will take time in general and while dealing with her loss too.
Here's an issue I'm having that I need some advice. My brother's wife (sister-in-law), who didn't get along very well with my mom anyway, is now trying to forge a relationship with this half-siblings of ours...when most of us have barely made much of a connection with him. I am having an issue with it, she's controlling and I fear she may cross a boundery that may potentionally make it more difficult for the rest of us to create ongoing comunication wtih him. I feel that me and my four other siblings should have the first opprotunities in bonding and relationship building...NOT HER...and then in time she would have that time. All of this assuming that connecting with him will be ongoing and positive for all.
Do I have a right to ask her to back off?
Or should I make room for her too at this beginning stage?
My brother has not even made much a connection with him since my mother's funeral, he leaves it up to his wife.
I know, several dynamics going on here that can not all be answered. Any advice on minding all of our needs from this experince and where boundery lines should be defined, if at all?
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Maybe try and talk to your brother and see if he can speak to his wife about backing off a bit, but in all honesty, you really cannot control the way others decide to behave. I would probably focus on my own relationship with the sibling that was adopted and go at my own pace rather than worry about what this SIL is doing. You are dealing with the loss of your mom and a newly found sibling. That is a lot to handle. It sounds like the SIL is getting under your skin and I would find it frustrating, too, given that she never got along much with you mom and is now taking over in this reunion at a pace that the rest of you may not find apprpriate. But I'm afraid if you confront her, she will only turn it into a huge drama that you don't need right now. Maybe your adopted brother will not even want to focus on a relationship with her, seeing as though she is not one of his siblings. What do your other siblings think? Perhaps you all can present a unified front to your brother, but OTOH, maybe your brother is ok with his wife handling things the way she is. It's a tough call.
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Honestly, the only person who you can control is you.
You can't control your brother's wife. And you can't control your newly found half-sibling, either.
If you want a relationship with your new half-sibling, then go try to have one.
Most people have the ability to have good relationships with multiple people. Your brother's wife isn't taking anything away from you by pursuing a relationship with the same person you want to know better. I'm sure it hurts, to think that you might lose out on a chance to get to know your half-sibling, but that isn't likely to happen.
If your half-sibling is a relatively happy and well-adjusted person, you will be able to forge a relationship with him (her?) regardless of what anybody else in the family chooses to do. So hang in there, focus on your relationship and getting to know your half-sibling, and don't worry about what anybody else is doing. New relationships take work, and you'll have your hands full handling your own part of this. Good luck!