Adopted kids point of view needed please

Of course it's impossible to project how the children you adopt will respond, since each child's experience and their response to those experiences are different. But, from my viewpoint, here's my best shot at answering some of your questions... <<How do they feel about their a-parents? Are we actually considered parents, mom and dad or how do they relate or feel about us? Alot of adult adoptees are so angry (rightfully so) but is that always the case?>> Many children who are adopted readily accept their adoptive family as their parents. I think it is important for you to recognize their biological family will likely have a place of importance in their heart, and to look at the placement as "adding to" their family tree, rather than replacing it. If you respect a child's feelings and give them the opportunity to express their feelings without judgements this can help avoid some of the anger that may come from you're trying to step in & take the place of the parents they may remember & love, regardless of the circumstances for removal. Anger is a normal reaction when one experiences such an extreme loss, and it's not unlikely they will have to deal with that, but not all adoptees are angry and many of those who are can work through that anger. <<how do they relate to our bio kids? were you intermixed by ages?>> In general, my advice as a pre-placement and post-placement mentor is seriously consider the effects of adopting out of birth order (ie. adopting a child older than your youngest birth child). Adding a sibling group already mixes up the dynamics of the household, it is typically advisable to keep your oldest placement a year or so younger than your youngest child. I've seen many families who don't abide by this & do fine, but that's the general guideline. <<were any of you transracial adopted and how was that?>> I was not adopted transracially, but have worked with many children & families from transracial placements. One thing to consider is even if you don't have any predjudice feelings in regards to other races & ethnicities, others will likely not feel the same way. Consider your extended family, how likely are they to accept a child of another race? Also be aware that as your child grows older, they may have negative experiences within the community. I've heard of several incidences where interracially adopted teens have been grouped with "trouble makers" simply because of their race. In any case, if you do adopt transracially make an effort to help the child maintain a sense of their racial/ethnic heritage. Try to make contact with others in the community with similar backgrounds, attend events and cultural celebrations, etc. Of course, go with what the child is comfortable with, some may not want to focus on their ethnicity & that's okay. But the option should be available to them, if they want it. <<how can we help them with the past healings, hurts or other issues?>> Validation, validation, validation. Allow the children to express how they are feeling--the good, the bad, and the ugly (and believe me, there WILL be ugly). Don't expect them to settle in right away, there will likely be years of adjustment before you all feel "right" again. Prepare yourself for the angry outbursts, learn not to take things personally. You may get a lot of feelings thrown at you that don't seem to make sense, rather than trying to talk the child out of their feelings provide reassurance and let them know their feelings are valid. Personally, I am firmly against behavioral discipline approaches with children who have experienced trauma--rather than sending a child to "time out" (which can be perceived as rejection) find ways to keep them close to you. Educate yourself in regards of what to expect--here is a good start, hit the special needs adoptions boards, particularly the attachment section, since this will probably come up. Right now, while you are preparing for placement, work on building your relationship with your other children. Find ways to maintain these relationships after placement, don't let them fall between the cracks as the new group takes up your physical & emotional energy. Read up on the possibilities, but don't go into this with pre-set notions of how children are going to react, or how they will feel. Everyone responds differently. Just keep your mind open to the possibilities. ALL of these books touch on emotions commonly felt by adoptees, but most of them also tend to generalize. Just because *many* adoptees feel abadonment/grief/pain/anger doesn't mean *all* adoptees will, and not every technique will work for every child no matter how good the books make it sound. Some book suggestions: Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Elridge Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah D Gray Adopting the Older Child by Claudia L Jewett (out of print, but easy to find used--and well worth it!!!) Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best Hope this helps. Heather

i truly do think of my a-parents as THE parents. i do have an older brother who was adopted (not from the same b-mom) as well and i do love him as a brother but the connection is not as deep. i have not made a search for my b-mom but i am now deeply considering it. i do have many emotions about it, i mean, who wouldnt. you were given birth to and were abandoned by the womb you came from. i was not transracially adopted. i do look similiar to my mother, so there is no issue there. my parents do not like to talk about the adoption, i think because my mother was unable to have kids of her own. so, i think if i had my parents to talk to about it, there were be less unresolved feelings and maybe i wouldnt be scared to ask them questions. It must be so exciting for you to be approved. I wish you the best of luck.

I think its a different ball of wax when you adopt children at birth than when you adopt when they are older. When you adopt at birth, they don't know any different. When you adopt children who have been in and out of foster care, I know you will have to deal with someones past mistakes. Before someone flames me, not all foster parents are the same, believe me I've seen it. Anyways, on to the questions. I know you mentioned that you already have kids. I truely believe that this will cause a problem. Both with the adopted kids and biological kids. (and I know this from an almost first hand account, My Aaunt had cancer and my Aparents took in her 2 kids for almost 3 years, one older, one younger.) Going from 2 kids to 4 was a HUGE stress on the entire family. I know a lot of people look at it as we can financially do this, but can you emotionally and physically? Are your kids ready to share and I mean SHARE! I remember having to share everything with my cousin. I had to get rid of MY bed so that we could have twin beds in the room. I had to share my closet, my phone, MY SPACE, MY PARENTS with her. Don't get me wrong the honeymoon phase was AWESOME, but after the first couple of months its was a real adjustment. We are still great friends and she is as close to a sister as I've got, but I think she has a closer relationship to my mom because they 'get' each other (since they are biologically related). As far as how do I feel about my Aparents, they are considered my parents and always will. But again, I was adopted at birth and this may be very different for the older kids that you adopt, especially if they have lived with the biological family at all. And no I'm not angry and its not always the case. But I did go through an angry phase (or step) I think we all do. But it passes for the most of us and we move on to the next healing phase. My Aparents could not have kids, so thats why they adopted. But like I said before, my Amom's bio nieces seem to have a better relationship with her than I. But then again my Aaunt is not the best mother (thats a whole other story). As far as ages it goes like this: Cousin +2 years Me Abrother -2 years Cousin -4 years I really didn't have HUGE issues with my older cousin except for the fact that I went from the Oldest to not the oldest and not being able to be the first at doing things was a hard adjustment. My younger cousin, she just had issues and still does. I think that stems from her mom and dad and their family dynamics. No i was not trans-racially adopted, but I look nothing like my Aparents and that has always hit a chord with me. But I've always disliked the fact that everyone in my family can go back and say "oh hey I've got so and so's nose/ears/ skin color/ demeanor/ etc" I can say my Adad and I have blue eyes. I know I always wanted just a picture when I was little, just so that I could see where I got some of my features. when I finally got one, HOLY COW! I look JUST like my mom, we could be twins. I know that my Amom has a huge issue with me saying I don't look anything like them and that I don't have pictures that I can go back and say "oh Hey". I think its more of a control issue/Jealously issue than anything else. How can you help......Wow, talk about it! Be open and honest. Don't skirt around the issue that they are adopted, that they may have feelings of not belonging. Don't make them feel horrible because they opened up about their feelings which in return hurt yours, they are just trying to help you understand where they are coming from. Also, don't underestimate the biological bond that is there. My Amom, didn't and still doesn't understand it, but then again I don't think she wants to. There will always be a need or a desire to know where we came from. It may not always be spoken, but its there. Also, READ READ READ! My Amom, had a friend when I was little that was adopted and an Amom, she just took her word for everything and now when we talk I'm wrong or dont' know what I'm talking about. Um HELLO, I'm adopted, I know what I'm talking about! Especially since everyone's feelings and mental makeup are so different, every adoption will be different. While one of your adopted kids may adjust well, the other may not. And just because they adjusted well doesn't mean they won't have issues about adoption at anytime in their life. Just be ready to listen, a lot of this is uncharted territory, but staying on these boards will really help you and your entire family adjust to your new additions. Sommer

Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I want to do the best job I can and I am trying to find out as much information before hand as I can. I am glad you have provided me with information and there is a place to go for answers and support.