B'nei Mitzvah Planning

When I opened your post, I thought I would be hearing about bands and chocolate fountains and party themes and hotel amenities. How refreshing it was to see that you were actually talking about helping your child to think about living a Jewish life! Today's Bar and Bat Mitzvahs often bother me a great deal. The only "ritual" that seems important to the kids is the one that comes after the ceremony -- namely, the party. My daughter is going to a Bat Mitzvah ceremony and party this weekend. At 13, for the party, she will be wearing an evening gown with spaghetti straps, and gold sandals with three inch heels. (She has owned a strapless bra for two years.) A tiny bit of cleavage will be visible, but her dress is conservative compared to some I've seen; most of the girls go strapless. It also has a bubble skirt that comes almost to the knees, which is a lot longer than some out there. ALL the girls will be dressed like that, and many are girls from religious families. Luckily, my daughter is not into makeup; she may wear a tiny bit of eye shadow or blush. She will also leave her beautiful hair natural. Not all of the girls are like that. But needless to say, she will have nail polish on her toes and fingers. The family has hired a bus to take the kids to a hotel, where there will be a dance, a buffet meal, and so on. As always, the family will give out socks, since the girls don't actually WEAR the heels, and you don't want the boys kicking each other with their dress shoes on. The boys will, of course, be in suits -- but usually with their shirt tails out, and their ties hanging out of their pockets. There will be a DJ or a group of dancers who lead the activities. There will be a chocolate fountain or something like it. There will be the equivalent of goody bags, often with fairly expensive gifts that have the Bat Mitzvah girl's picture on it, or at least the date of the event. There may be a caricaturist or some other amusement. The girls will hang out in the ladies' room, gossiping. The boys will horse around. A few kids "may" dance, especially if they do the limbo or "Coke and Pepsi". The event will be well chaperoned, and I don't need to worry about drugs or alcohol. But is this what kids should remember about a Jewish coming of age ceremony? Something just doesn't feel right. Sharon

No chocolate fountain, no DJ, no socks, etc. for us! I forgot when I wrote my initial post that people might think I wanted a party-planning discussion. There is no party. For our family, this event is a religious ceremony, followed by lunch - no music, no party, small and simple. We will have a separate 13th birthday party for our son - the first and last big group party we will ever throw for him - at the local Boys & Girls club. But we are definitely not looking to have the kind of event that has become the norm around here. I'm not passing judgement. Everyone else we know, including all our cousins, etc., have the "standard" event, chocolate fountain and all and we've enjoyed celebrating with them. It's just not for us. So...yes, Sharon, my goal in starting this thread was to talk to other adoptive parents who are in this process who might be talking with their children about these same issues. What does it mean to have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah for your child when you (and they) know their birthparents weren't Jewish (which is the case for most of us). How are we addressing the elephant in the room (particularly for families who adopted transracially)? What do our children think and feel about this? My son asked me if we would be inviting his birthparents to the Bar Mitzvah. They stopped all contact with us when he was four years old, so of course we can't invitie them. But what I said to him was that I thought it was beautiful and loving of him to want to include them. And if we were in contact with them then certainly we would have wanted to include them, but that it wasn't possible under the circumstances. Anyone else out there dealing with these issues????

So today was my son's first official Bar Mitzvah lesson. They talked about what a Bar Mitzvah means. (His answer: turning 13) They talked about Abraham smashing the idols (but he didn't explain why they talked about that). They did some Hebrew reading. He had a great time and seems motivated (I'm sure that will change) to start reading the book she suggested (Putting God on Your Guest List). Interestingly, all of this talk has generated new questions from my YOUNGER child about birthparents, etc. On some level the boys know that their birthparents weren't Jewish. We have told them (accurately) that their birthparents chose us knowing that we were Jewish and would be raising the children in our religion. This week is my older son's birthday... It's incredible to me that the little tiny baby who we welcomed into the world so many years ago (we were in the delivery room and I was able to cut his umbilical cord) has reached the point where we are preparing for his Bar Mitzvah. Someone told my husband that as parents our days go by very slowly, but the years go by very quickly. So true!

Congratulations! Time does fly, doesn't it? I can't believe my son is in preschool- I can't imagine what I will think when he is getting ready for his Bar Mitzvah. I think it's great that you are talking about what it really means to you and to him. For me also, it is so much more than just a party. I hope I can convey that to my son when the time comes.My nephew went to a Bar Mitzvah party last night that my SIL estimated may have cost upwards of $100,000 (total spent on Bar Mitzvah, maybe not just thi party)- are you kidding me???

Today I was looking for an old file on the computer and I found a file entitled "For Your Bar Mitzvah." I couldn't recall what it was. Opening it, I read the letter my husband and I wrote just over ten years ago after we took our son to the mikveh. We had the foresight that evening to write a letter to our son which detailed the events of the day (some I had forgotten! including the names of the two other Rabbis who formed the Beit Din with our Rabbi). In the letter we talked about why we had gone to the mikveh and what our hopes were for our son's JEWISH future. (There is a different letter filed away for the day he turns 18...one we wrote when he was born.) The letter made me cry - in a good way. The dreams we had for him ten plus years ago in terms of his Jewish upbringing and education are intact and we are moving forward with his Bar Mitzvah planning exactly the way we intended when we began this journey. It's very exciting (and it will be hard for me to keep the letter secret for another two years until we get to give it to him on the morning of his Bar Mitzvah). I'm SO glad I wrote it all down then... If any of you are reading this pre-adopt or early on, I strongly encourage you to take some time to do something similar. Think about what you want for your child in terms of his/her religious upbringing. Imagine yourselves in the future at the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Write it down for posterity. (And then, unlike me, try not to forget you've written it!!!!)

First of all: Mazal Tov, congratulations and all the best wishes. I don't know if you've considered taking your son to Israel for a visit? I knew a family in the US that did an Israel trip for their son's Bar Mitzva, instead of having a party. He had the time of his life and the trip was a total success.We still have a lot of time, our oldest son is 7, but we already know that we don't want to do a large party either. We will likely take our sons to the Kotel (Western Wall) and have a family get-together in our garden.

We have thought about an Israel trip, actually, but for this child a Bar Mitzvah here seems more appropriate and is what he wants. Our younger son (8 1/2) says he wants to go to Israel for his Bar Mitzvah so our Israeli cousins can attend. That is our plan...by that time the boys will be 13 and 15 and will really be able to appreciate so much more than they can appreciate at 13 and 11. I lived in Israel for a year in high school and we have lots of family there, so planning will be easy. Thank you for your good wishes and the suggestion!

I agree about the insanity that some bar/bat mitvahs have become. We went to one last year that called (are you sitting down) "Oscar attire". It was held in the local Aquarium. The food was unbelievable. They bussed the kids from the synagogue (over an hour away) to the venue and back. They had someone there doing photos and then putting them in keychains, on shirts, whatever you wanted. They had a DJ & a band. It was just insane.I asked the father what he was going to do for her Sweet 16 and her wedding.I don't want to even think of what the "Jones" will be doing in 10 years. :hissy: No way would we ever be able to afford to do a crazy part - no way we'd want to either.Mozel Tov again!

We've been to lots of those types of B'nei Mitzvah, including our cousins' complete with photo pins, personalized sweatpants, etc. Hey - more power to ya if that's what you want and you can afford it, I suppose. It's just not for us... So next weekend will be Bar Mitzvah lesson number 2. My son did his "homework" - read the first chapter of "Putting God on Your Guest List" in preparation for a discussion his Bar Mitzvah tutor. And he read without complaint!

Today was J's second lesson. Still mostly this is all about what the Bar Mitzvah means, etc. But we've uncovered some really interesting things. If we were to use the Jewish calendar to figure out his Bar Mitzvah date, we would land on Christmas Day 2010. Clearly that's not an option! It would be impossible to book a place, etc., plus all of our siblings married non-Jews, so even the ones who are raising their kids Jewish have Christmas plans with the non-Jewish grandparents and we wouldn't want to interfere with that. Interestingly, if we did use 12/25/10, the Torah reading for that date is the one with Moses being drawn from the river and "adopted" by the Egyptian princess. Pretty incredible irony... So we've chosen to move to his birthday weekend in 2011 and found ourselves with another coincidence. The haftorah portion for that date turns out to be the story of Deborah, the judge, and Barak, the general, leading the army into battle. There's no adoption connection, BUT, that was the haftorah portion that I chanted for my Bat Mitzvah more than 30 years ago. Why is that so bizarre? Because my Bat Mitzvah was in June, not January....so the portions don't line up. The reason it's the same is that we used an independent rabbi and did our own service for my Bat Mitzvah, so I chose the portion I wanted to chant, and I picked the story of Deborah because of the name and the fact that she was a strong woman character. Over the years I've seen many times that there is some sort of serendipity or fate or hand of God (depends on your beliefs...) in the adoption process. We really do end up with the children we were meant to parent. So what are the odds that I would randomly choose to chant the story of Deborah all those years ago and now, here, today, I find myself parenting a child who will chant the same portion for his Bar Mitzvah? His reaction to all this? He said maybe he would do the Torah portion and then do the blessings for the haftorah but have me chant it. I'm not sure that's a good idea, although I know it's common these days to have a parent or relative chant a portion... but I feel like this is HIS day, not mine, and I don't want to take away from him. 23 months to decide....

Mazal Tov! I am sure your son will be ready to take on the burden of commitment with a strong hand. And how cool is that coincidence, it seems to underline and strengthen the connection between the two of you.Sending you and your sons heartfelt good wishes from Israel.

Oh Debbie that gave me chills! I always say that my son is mine and DH's B'Shert. So many things have occurred to make me believe that.

This morning was Bar Mitzvah Lesson #3. According to my son, they spent some time talking about what it means to be an adult - in Judaism, in the US, in life, etc. What are different rights and responsibilities that come with different ages? He had a list (credit cards, drivers license, etc.) of things to talk about. Interesting what your perspective is when you're still a preteen.... He was given an interesting "homework" assignment for next month - he needs to ask his grandparents (and great-grandfather) about their experiences with B'nei Mitzvah growing up. The timing was terrific, as we went straight from his lesson to visit my mother for her birthday. He interviewed her and my stepdad about their experiences. Next week he will be going to stay with my in-laws for a few days, so he'll have a chance to interview them and my husband's grandfather. My mother went through hebrew school AND hebrew high school and confirmation but was not allowed to have a Bat Mitzvah. Although her synagogue had just started allowing girls to have them when she turned 13 (they were allowed to lead Friday night service and chant from the Haftorah but not read from the Torah at Saturday morning service), her mother refused to allow it, stating that she was such a bad singer no one would want to listen to her chant. I wonder now (when it's too late to ask, since my grandmother died eight years ago), whether that was really the reason (and my mom really can't carry a tune) or whether she just couldn't undo her own upbringing to accept a Bat Mitvah in the family. The first time my mother ever had an aliyah was at my brother's Bar Mitzvah. Her second was when my husband and I got engaged and invited her for an aliyah at our oofroof (sp?). My stepdad shared that his Bar Mitzvah was delayed five weeks because his grandmother died three days before the originally scheduled date. He learned the new parshah. Then he had a disagreement with the rabbi, who refused to allow him to read the speech he had written (a budding existential philospher, even at the young age of 13, the speech was fairly revolutionary!). He said okay, wrote a new speech, and then delivered the original from the pulpit. It was quite a scandal!!! Next week my son will interview his other grandparents and his great-grandfather...can't wait to hear what he learns!

So it turns out that my husband's grandfather had two Bar Mitzvahs!! The two dates/two events thing is becoming a theme.... Apparently my husband's great-grandfather belonged to the sephardic synagogue because that was how he was raised (family originally from Turkey) BUT for business purposes he ALSO belonged to the ashkenazi synagogue. After my husband's grandfather (now 94 years old!) had his Bar Mitzvah at the sephardic synagogue, one of the machers in the ashkenazi one asked why he wasn't called to the Torah there, too....so they scheduled a date and he did it all over again. The funny thing here is that my brother also had two Bar Mitzvahs - although for an even more ridiculous reason.... My parents were divorced and on such bad terms that they couldn't agree on how to handle things, so they each arranged a Bar Mitzvah for him - one week apart. For years my mother insisted hers was the "real" one because it came first and my father insisted his was the "real" one and my mother's was only a dress rehearsal. My poor brother had to learn two parshas, just like my stepfather had to (see previous post) and my husband's grandfather. My husband ALSO had two Bar Mitzvah dates, but only learned one parsha. Since he didn't learn the FIRST one in time for the event, they had to postpone it six months! (He's not very proud of this story....) With all this family history, it makes me wonder if we should be planning two different dates!!!!

On Sunday morning my son had his most recent Bar Mitzvah lesson. He left the house with all of the information he had collected about the grandparents' and great-grandfather's B'nei Mitzvot. I was waiting for my husband to bring him home when the phone rang. First, let me say that both of them are fine. However, the phone call was from my husband, telling me that they had been in a car accident. I threw on some clothes (it was early, so I hadn't yet showered or gotten dressed) and raced to the accident, which was only about five minutes from the house. The car was in pretty bad shape (our minivan - front end accordianed) but both my husband and my son were standing on the side of the road with no visible injuries. Of course the relief of seeing that they looked okay was accompanied by my delayed panic... What if they HADN'T been okay? Three days later I'm still having a tough time, but it's getting easier. So I've lost a few days to insurance nightmares, medical visits (my son has a minor whiplash), and trying to figure out how we can replace our car in this economy (but the insurance company is thinking they may repair the damage, so we'll see) AND trying to get ready for Passover. With only 4 1/2 hours before my family arrives for the Seder, here I am typing away instead of setting the table. Why? Because Passover is an adoption story. Because I can't hear the story about Moses being drawn from the water without making a connection to my children. Because when Moses returned to his birthfamily and reclaimed his heritage as a Jew his mother (the Egyptian princess) did not abandon him. And I can't help thinking if my children grow up and reclaim their heritage as non-Jews, how will I feel? Yes, my son has made a conscious decision to pursue his Bar Mitzvah and, in so doing, is proclaiming his desire to live his life as a Jewish man. But, let's face it....he's still a little boy. Many things can change - sometimes in an instant, as this car accident reminds me. This evening I will remember that we were once slaves in Egypt, and I will be thankful that we are now free. But I will also be thankful that my family is together, safe, and healthy and I will have a renewed appreciation for that fact. A "Zissen Pesach" to all of you.