Rocky Relationships

It's clear you love your mom. Stand your ground and hold firm to what you know is right and true. It's sweet how much you care, but disheartening that your mother is not giving you the same consideration. At some point, she needs to understand that whether or not it hurts or is scary for her, it's a good thing for you and that is what counts the most. It's imperative that an adoptive parent allow their child the freedom to know what their own emotional needs are and seek the ends they need to or want to for themselves. I'm sorry she's not able to do this, but you are unfortunately powerless to change it. I suggest that you stop trying so hard to change something you have no control over (her reactions and feelings). Sometimes, things just reveal themselves over time and no amount of words will convince anyone.

When I read posts like this I always think of the bible story of solomon and the two mothers with the one baby...different scenario but truly the same, you are being asked to choose between two people who you love and that in my opinion is wrong. Ask her to see a counselor or minister to talk about HER issues, not your issues. Kind regards,Dickons

As I told another poster on a different thread, guilt is so often (if not always!) quite useless. It is hard, but you have to try to push these feelings out of your mind. You are doing NOTHING wrong. YOU are not hurting your mom. Your mom is having her own difficulty accepting the situation. And that is for her and her alone to come to terms with. I assume you are a grown woman and can have independent relationships with people outside of your family without them being privy to all the ins and outs of the relationship. Is there a way you could build your relationship with your birthmom without having to go into so much of the details with your mom? Does she have to know every time you see your bmom, or talk to her? Maybe it would help if you didn't discuss it so much or try so hard to get her to see your POV. Your mom may need more time to process things and get used to the idea that you are reunited with your bmom. In time, I think she will see you are still the same loving daughter and there is nothing for her to worry about. Has your bmom ever been in communication with your mom? I have always had a semi-open where most of the communication was between me and my son's mom. So I already feel we are on a good footing. I hope if my son and I ever reunite, that I can also get to know his mom and be on good terms with her. I'm wondering if you think at some point it might be possible to get your bmom and your mom together and maybe then your mom will see she's not such a threat. I wish so much that we, as a society, could get away from this idea of only having one mother. It sets women up to be in competition with each other. Especially in adoption, where there literally ARE two mothers, I think it would be so much more helpful to realize that nobody "owns" another, there is enough love to go around, and one mother cannot replace another.

Not long after I met my birth mom, my mom and I went and met her for dinner. I really thought this would help my mom to see that my birthmom was not a threat to her, etc. I thought this would be a time of healing for both of them and myself. I have four children of my own and I think if the tables were turned that I would be so thankful to meet birthmother or adoptive mom. My mom basically acted like I was a posession of hers and made sure my bmom knew that. It was in a very gentle way but none the less she was hurt by it. I know that these feeling of my moms are out of fear and her own insecurities. I am a "fixer" and want everyone to be happy. I grew up in a divorced family where I was put in the middle. I feel like I am right back in the middle. I also don't want my kids to feel like they have to pick sides. We all have enough love to go around. My mom is not only threatened as a mom but as a grandma. She wants to be the one and only but that is no longer the case. My heart hurts for her. I knew going into this what the outcome was going to be. I wouldn't do anything different. I just want a normal relationship with my mom. One that gives me and my kids the freedom to love my birth family and to know that is the right thing to do.

You describe your bmom as "wonderful...positive and loving"; you are 'lucky" to have her in your life, and you "really" want a relationship with her. You are so excited to have located your bmom -- it's no wonder that your amom is hurt. Even if you don't use those words in front of your amom, she can sense your new happiness. And she is hurt because she fears she is losing you to someone better. I agree with Just Peachy when she recommends that you not talk too much about your bmom in front of your amom. Keep it low key, and maybe don't mention every visit or phone call. Just give your amom extra care at this sensitive time -- hopefully she will come around and be more accepting (and not lay too many guilt trips on you). There's not much else you can do other than continue to be the daughter to her that you've always been. I know my amom (in her 80's) would be extremely hurt if she knew I learned the identity of my bparents (both deceased) and talked to a half-sis. There is no point in telling her or my adad, and even if I had found my bfamily years before, I sincerely doubt I would ever have told them. But you have children who will want to know the new grandma as well, so you will have to balance all these relationships. Your amom will also be hurt that her grandkids have a new grandma. You're in a difficult situation. Yes, it is your amom's problem in that she can't accept the new situation; however, you can continue to do your best to assuage her feelings. Best of wishes.

The emergence of your bmom may also be causing your amom to relive her own infertility problems and insecurities from her past. All of a sudden this fertile woman who gave birth to you appears, and your amom feels she has lost her baby once again. My amom had several miscarriages as well as a baby who died shortly after birth before she adopted -- I am sure that many amoms had similar trauma in their lives so they are overly sensitive to "losing" a child. Hopefully, time will help heal her wounds -- once she realizes that you and your kids will always be there for her. Maybe your kids can call your bmom by her name or something other than "grandma". Let your amom be Grandma #1 and maybe have the kids give her some of those "best grandma" gifts. Hopefully your kids won't use the word "real" as in "real grandma" when referring to your bmom.

That is exactly what we are doing. The kids call my bmom by her first name but they do call my birth siblings aunt and uncle. I have never refered to my bmom as grandma but they do realize that she is their biological grandmother. The kids are very close to my mom and love her no less than before. I'm praying that she can come to terms with her feelings. I think we could be so much closer if she could allow me to love my birth family and know that this is healing for me. They are a wonderful extention to our family. I love the quote, "You can't have peace until you find all the pieces"....I finally have my pieces, now I am praying for peace!

I agree with SoniaRose and others that have suggested that you keep it low key in front of Amom. I know you are probably excited and want to share with her but it is obviously causing her pain. When I was forced to search I had to think hard about how it would affect mt paerent who were fast approaching their 80s. I had one woman tell me that I should demand information from them about my bfamily (if they even knew anything) and they would "get over it". Well needless to say, that simply was not an option. I chose not to even tell them and I am glad I made that choice. Right now your Amom is hurt, and every time you speak about bmom you are rubbing salt in the wound. Your amom may never come to accept this and she amy, but it is not your job either way. Just keep loving amom the same way you did before you discovered Bmom. You know these reuinions are like rollercoaster rides with ups and downs. I have witnessed so many reuions start off wonderful and head downhill. God forbid that happens you will need your amom more than ever. After all your amom knows you better than bom at this point and she mght even be fearful that you will be hurt. I have also seen adoptees sever relationships with their aparents once they found bmom only to have something so wrong and they are left alone. My best advise is to give everyone time. New found bfamily sometimes has honeymoon stages. Get to know bmom better and be reassuring to amom. It isn't about choosing, it is about being able to love both for who they are and their place in your life. EZ

I have never talked about my birth mom to my mom. She is the one who constantly brings up the subject. I know that it would bother her so I try to talk about her as little as possible when she does bring it up. I feel like she is torturing herself by asking questions. I have said over and over that I think we don't need to discuss my bmom. My mom disagrees completely and feels very betrayed if she doesn't know what's going on. I still agree with you guys that it's best not to discuss my bmom. So I keep the conversation to a minimal. I think that only time is going to heal her. Once she realizes that I am still her daughter and I'm not going anywhere. It's so frustrating getting there. Thanks for all the advice!

It's too bad your mom cannot realize that she is the one with the entire history with you and your kids. She has the solid foundation, she has been there from the get-go. As a birthmother, I always feel I'm not on secure footing because I do not have the years of raising my son and the benefit of the parenting relationship. Even though I'm not in reunion, I think if I were, I'd always be wondering if there would be a disconnect, and that is a very insecure feeling. So really, your mom has the advantage in all this. And I'm assuming since she wants to be the only grandma, that your children's paternal grandma is not living. What if she were? You mom would then have to share being a grandma with someone else who had a biological connection with them. I know it's not quite the same situation, but your mom really does need to come to terms with this. I'm sorry you are being put in the middle. I don't have patience for this sort of drama and I don't much care for women who are possessive in general. I would continue to refuse to discuss the topic, no matter how much I was being badgered, unless your mom was willing to hash it out in counseling.

My mom felt the same way, and to avoid hurting the person I loved most in this world, I didnt not seek out my birthmom. My mom has passed away and now I am looking. I put my mom's feelings before my own, I dont regret it but I do wish mom had been more open minded and more willing to help me.