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...that is the question :)
I'm not sure if I'm in the right part of the forum as I keep getting lost and ending up in the wrong place completely. If this should be moved feel free to ship it to wherever it should be.
First of all, an apology, this is likely to be a long post, but hopefully not too heavy. I'll leave you to decide whether to read on or not.
A brief (yeah right) biography: I'm in the UK, adopted with an adopted (non birth related) sister, both from birth. 27 yr male, tall dark and handsome (sorry, that must have slipped in from the dating site post I was doing ;) ...). Perfectly happy with my parents, good childhood and no serious mental flaws that I know of (except trying to be funny when confronting serious topics :rolleyes: ). We always knew we were adopted, could never pin point a first time of being told, but always told 'you're special because we chose you..'. I always did and always will believe it - I love my parents (read adoptive, but I've never used the word and won't start now) and always will.
For a long time I've thought about tracing my birth parents, if only to fill the missing gap. I did once (when drunk) blurt this out to my parents and they were great, saying they'd give me any info I needed and support me all the way. Great, until I sobered up.
I don't want to do it because I don't want to hurt my parents. I'm sure everyone says this, but I do have a reason that not everyone has. My sister traced her birth mother, has met her, stays in contact and even has a picture of her birth half sister (is that the correct term?) in her lounge. We don't talk about it much - in fact now I think about it I've never even talked to my sister about it (first problem maybe). Fact is that I can see how much it hurts my parents just to know that my sister has traced her birth mother. It's not said but seen, if you know what I mean. My sister is married with a little girl - I can't remember the exact phrase but something in a disciplinary way came about, along the words of 'you can't choose your Mum' came about, and our Mum took it the wrong way, leaving the room in tears. My sister's not the most sensitive and got in a bad mood about it, but I like to think I got all the sensitivity genes (this is where genes and adoption is a difficult/impossible area)- it hurt me just to witness the event.
Anyway, to the point. I would like to fill out some questions that I've always carried around. I want/need to know the circumstances of my adoption. If I have a birth mother I may want to meet her (don't hold me to anything here).
BUT
Even if I say so myself, I'm quite selfless, and would rather live a life of mystery (close to misery that word, when you look at it ;) ) than hurt my parents feelings in even the slightest way. The subject pops up in my mind with tiresome regularity, but I can always find something else to distract me.
How can you seek out your birth parents when you have seen how much heartache it has caused when your adopted/ive sister has done the same? I still don't have my birth certificate or adoption papers, and don't want to ask for them because I know how much such a small act would hurt, even if some excuse was used.
If you've got this far I congratulate you. Sorry to go on but it always feels good on the rare occasions I get all this off my chest. I assume I'm not the only one with these kinds of feelings, and am looking at NORCAP to see if they can help, but would welcome any words you good people may have.
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hello, I was very much like you. I did not want to hurt my aparents and for years told them I had no desire to search or meet my birth family. I was very loyal and a very good daughter. I became very tired of that and it overcame my being the "good daughter". Here in the states, I was adopted during the closed era. this is before adoptive parents were given any information about the birth family and the records were sealed forever. Laws have passed here where we can obtain "non-identifying information". basic tidbits from our sealed records without names of course. So my aparents couldn't help me anyway. My adad passed away in 1992 and my relationship with amom is strained. Anyway, I know you are worried about your parents, but you do have every right to know this and find them. They will understand, they will still love you. I promise. Good luck!
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My guess is, that your parents fear and hurt is there if you search or not. Your search may bring it to the surface, but that is their issue, and you shouldn't make it yours. Please, please don't misunderstand what I am saying. Of course you don't want to hurt people you love, AND, you should be very sensitive to what they're feeling, as they would you. Treat them with respect, honesty, and reassurance, which it sounds like you already do.I would imagine if your parents would read this, they would encourage you to follow your heart, and to let them worry and deal with their issues. We all have hidden fears and hurts that life deals us. I bet your parents would be the first to tell you that you aren't responsible for this, and should do what you think is right. We all have things to work through, it doesn't mean issues should be avoided.Best of luck, and know that most adoptees feel the same way.
You sound like a conciderate person. I think if you decide to search, you will be careful with your parents feelings. I would just go slow, and do what you need to do for you. I am in a semi-reunion with my bio-daugther. She feels it would hurt her parents if they knew we were in contact, so she asked that we stop. However, she loves getting cards from me. Her first, and so far only question for me was, "Do I look like you?" She does, and I am glad she finally knows who she looks like.
So, I think if you maintain your concideration to your parents, go slow for yourself, and know that you don't know what you will find ( look around this site, there are many outcomes), you have the right to know where you come from. It's okay to want to know.
Blessings
Could you sit your mom down and tell her what you have told us? Sometimes the imagination makes mountains out of mole hills if people are just willing to be open and honest? I talked to my mom and dad and they were willing yet I still hesitated until I needed medical history, because I worried about the flip side of the coin - the birth families. You do need to have medical history, hereditary disease strike in the middle and old age as well as young ages, and for your doctor to have an idea of what you may face in the future will help guide him/her on the tests that need to be done as preventive measures, just like every non adopted person has. This also becomes more important if you have children as you may not be affected but diseases skip generations. Consider the need to document your medical history for yourself and then see if that is the path that may help your parents feel less insecure. Talking to them before, keeping them in the loop during, and including them (when appropriate) in your results will go along way to helping their insecurities. Take care,Dickons
The more you can talk to your aparents, especially your amom, the better they will feel.
I know it's hard, but your search is not the reason for their pain. Just open your mouth and let the words come out, you'll be glad you did, and so will your mom even if it hurts her a little.
As a parent, I would rather be the one in pain than to see it in my child. I would do anything to help my kids not feel that magnatude of pain, even if it meant I was going to die. I would give my life for them, go to prison, take torture and excrutiating pain if it would spare my children of it.
Alot of us, especially adoptees in reunion have found that often the unknown is way more scary and painful than the known.
Wanting to search and find your origins is a natural healthy thing to do, if done in the right way, with love, patience and hope.
Wanting this is not a bad thing or even an unexpected thing today.
It's a good thing and shows that your mind is natural, healthy and intact.
My advise is to take it one step at a time. It never hurts to search and find info. When you do find the info needed, that is the point that the decision of contacting anyone needs to be made, not now, especially if it is too much for you to handle the whole thought of it.
Good luck
Beth
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I, too, felt the need to protect my parents after seeing them hurt by my sister's attempts to find her b-parents many years ago.
10 years or so after her "search", My Mom asked me why i had never expressed an interest in finding out about my b-parents? I told her that it was because i had seen how much pain it had caused her when my sister searched.
Mom told me that it wasn't Sis's desire to know or the search itself that caused the pain. It was the was she went about it. Sis began her search out of anger. She wanted to prove that her "real mother" was better than our adoptive parents. She wanted to find out that "she wasn't really Jewsih" She went about it in a very hurtful way, throwing the "you're not my real mother" card up frequently and not communicating with Mom & Dad (or me) as to what she discovered or even what she was feeling - other than the anger.
She did find out that she was in fact "born" Jewish, and may have actually met her B-Mom. She did go to Chicago (where we were both born) during this time and came back very subdued and has refused to discuss whatever she found. It has been 30 years since that time.
Now that i have been "found" and forged a successful relationship with B-mother and her family, Sis is still angry and refuses to be a part of it. She has not even told her won children (ages 12 & 14) that she is adopted.
I did start searching after having this conversation with Mom, and eventually reunited with B-Mother. My parents were extremely supportive during the search and the reunion and have even become friendly with B-Mom.
I guess what i am trying to say by relating my own experiences is this : Don't underestimate your parents. They may very well be willing and able to help you with your search. I know that having their support made it easier for me. I honestly don't know if i would have ever initiated a search if i hadn't had that conversation with Mom.
Yes,Yes,Yes, Don't miss out on the chances this could bring. You may have to deal with things you don't like very much and it may not work out as you wish but it will come back and haunt you if you don't face it sometime. I waited 27 years then found my Bmom who to this day refuses contact but she did tell my two half sisters "he's you brother, do as you see fit", result i have two great sisters in Yuma and i can at least know what goes on in my mothers life. My aparents had both passed by the time i searched but Hell do i wish i had not waited. I am sure they would have supported my decision had i had the courage to ask.
Good Luck to you
Dave
Someone once said, our parents are stronger than we realize. It is your decision to seek your family of origin, people do so for many reasons. I agree with those who say talk to you parents about it. (You might want to open a conversation with your sister too!)It's been 3 years since I found my bson. I know it was difficult for his mom at first. D has made it clear by his actions that she is his mom; the relationship with me doesn't change that (I don't want it too, btw.) Because D does include me in family gatherings -- birthday parties, etc., his mom and I have been able to build our own relationship. Of course, I have made it clear that I consider her to be mom, grandma, etc. and I think that helps. (I haven't asked.) Sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than reality!A picture of D's mom with one of her grandson's: