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I have been posting here for the last few months, and it has been great, but I think I'm going to have to stop and get off this board for awhile.
After 3 months of no contact, my son called me on Friday. We spoke for 20 minutes. He told me everything was fine, we were fine, we were back on track. He told me he wanted to come out to visit me and the family (BIG family) in the summer for a long weekend. It was a wonderful talk, and I felt hopeful.
Well yesterday his wife calls me and tells me that he wants to come out here to Vegas for a long weekend of doing drugs and drinking. I told her he is always welcome in my home but if he thinks that is happening, he is thinking the wrong things. I told her that I would kick him out of the house if he did that. Bottom line, she had been feeding me all sorts of things about his amom and things she supposedly said about me and my husband and then yesterday she wants me to come out there and stay in his amom's house. I just did not know what the heck was going on and eventually she just said that THEY did not want to lose him if he comes out here. I told her I could not deal with this anymore. She was telling me I should be friends with his Amom, who I have TRIED to be friends with but it was a one way deal only. I told by DIL that SHE told me all kinds of horrible things his Amom said about me and that is why I had no desire to go there for a holiday. I told her that my son could get drugs anywhere, and that he was drinking in her house when I would never ever let him do that again in mine so maybe they should worry about what is happening there and not what MIGHT happen here.I told her I gave birth to 3 children and the 2 I raised don't do drugs and the 1 I didn't is a drug addict so maybe his mom needs to pay attention to her own house and not worry about mine. So last night my son called me and his mom was yelling all kinds of things in the background "she said i was a bad mom...she said i did a horrible job raising you!!..." and on and on (i never spoke to her but whatever). He told me our relationship is officially over, it is severed for good, to forget I ever met him, don't contact him, don't contact his family and he will never hear from me again.
I am confused and upset by all of this but I just can't handle it anymore. I'm done, I have a family and 2 other children to worry about and a life I need to live. I just can't deal with this anymore, I don't know if it is really the right thing to do, but I cannot see any bmoms in these successful 10 year reunions anymore when mine went so terrible awry. And I don't want to scare off anyone who wants a reunion by how mine has ended. It has been just a bit over a year and in that year my entire world has turned upside down. I am tired and need to focus on the people who are here, who care about me, and who love me. I might come back on sometime in the future, but for now, I'm out...:thanks:
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Tracy, I'm saddened to hear of this turn of events. It's really difficult, if not totally impossible, to develop any sort of a healthy relationship with anyone who is an active drug addict. It also sounds as if your son's family, including his wife, are really into dysfunction and/or codependency.The one piece of advice I can give you is to never say never. It's possible that your son will "bottom out" and get himself into recovery. If he becomes clean and sober, he very well may reach out to you again.The early years of my reunion with my son were so darn hard. His drug addiction caused all sorts of obnoxious behavior on his part. There were days I couldn't stand him...there were days I thought I was losing my mind. I finally reached a point where I had to let go and let God, as they say in Twelve-Step programs. And then one day, he suddenly had had enough...he bottomed out. His recovery was very intense, arduous work. He has now been clean and sober for about 14 years.If he hadn't gone into long-term recovery, I don't think our post-reunion relationship would have survived. It's as simple as that. Reunion is way too hard without throwing drugs into the mix.I hope you'll drop by from time to time, and let us know how you're doing. :loveyou:
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From the beginning it seemed to me like the DIL is a bit of a trouble starter (it surprised me when you said that you and she became very good friends to the point of calling every day, and she would run back and tell you every single thing that her MIL supposedly said about you)....I've seen this type of person before - they run to one person and spill all kind of negative info - and 9 times out of 10, they are running the other way and doing the same thing...When one finds it necessary to tell another every negative thing that someone else is "supposedly" saying about them, well, that's for their OWN twisted purpose.
It sounds like she said some things to your son's mom that you "supposedly" said, and it sounds like she may have done the same thing with your son...Disfunction on so many levels.
As for this:
My mom raised 3 children...1 is a drug addict - 2 are not...And it had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with her mothering ability or the way she RAISED him, but a combo of HIS mental health and personality issues. And I know this is off topic so before anyone tells me that it's NOT directed towards me and I shouldn't take it personally - I'll write it out for ya so you don't have to take the time.
Anyway,
I hope you all find your way through all of this...That everyone will realize what an amazing thing you can all have.
LasVegasMom
I told her I gave birth to 3 children and the 2 I raised don't do drugs and the 1 I didn't is a drug addict so maybe his mom needs to pay attention to her own house and not worry about mine.
Well of course I said I wouldn't post here anymore but here I am. I just wanted to say to you, L2MB, that I am actually apalled that I even said that about my sons amom. In this reunion I have found that there are times I act like the 17 year old that relinquished her son instead of the accomplished and put together 45 year old woman I have become. I sometimes feel like I'm Alice and have fallen down a hole and woke up in a new world were everything is upside down and I have regressed 28 years. Yes my son is a drug addict but it could very well be HEREDITARY combined with his environment or whatever but I know I was secretly wanting her to tell amom to hurt her (acting just like the spoiled and evil 17 year old that resides in my 45 year old body). Raven-I sure hope that one day he realizes how much I love him, how much we have in common, how much we both need this relationship to heal.
This whole turn of events over the last weekend has my head spinning, and it is hard to keep my balance. The sound of his mom literally yelling "she said this, she said that...." and on and on was almost as disturbing to me as my DIL playing us against each other. This is a 64 year old woman, she is the same age as my mom and my mom would never ever act like that. Maybe I'm being judgemental, ok I am being judgmental, but if she would have been calmer, my son was actually listening to what I was telling him but once his amom starting yelling he just told me, 'it's over, we are done, relationship is severed, forget about me, never contact me ever again, i will never contact you or anyone else in the family'. If she would have realized that DIL played us all, we may have been able to actually have a conversation about it. Instead I just let them run over me and I feel so played and this is my life and not a game and that is what hurts me. And of course my son believes my DIL and his mom-whom I never ever spoke to directly-but of course he thinks I'm the cause of these issues. One day he will realize I'm not the problem or maybe he wont.
However, I cannot live with what may or may not happen. I have to live for today, I have to live for the family that loves me and that accepts me. I can only pray for him, pray for his peace, and pray that one day he finds me again.
I'm really sorry to hear about this LVM. I'm sorry for the heartache and pain that the dysfunction you found has caused you.
It sounds to me like the DIL who "befriended" you has actually been sabotaging things from the beginning. I've known people like her. They thrive on being able to tell people things that will rile them up so they feel like the good guy informer to that person when really, they are the malicious troublemaker getting everyone else to hate each other and enjoying watching the fireworks between the others.
I do hope your son gets the help he needs soon. I hope that if you feel you need support, you will come. There are many here who are struggling and have struggled through very difficult reunions and can offer a word of support when needed.
I also had a daughter-in-law that was kind of like yours. She didn't like his aparents and continually bad-mouthed his amom to me. She would also take things that amom said about me and take them out of context. It needlessly caused some bad feelings for a while. It's amazing how all that went away when they divorced.
Just a suggestion. If you can get a message to your son without his wife intercepting it first, you might just want to tell him that your door will always be open in the future if he gets off the drugs and gets his life together. That way he knows you're open to contact down the line. Life changes and who knows what's in the future for both of you!
It does sound like you're best off stepping back for a while at least. Good luck and I wish you peace.
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LVM :grouphug:
Just keep the faith...Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Pray for your son.
Hopefully one day he will be well...Drug free and clear of mind...
At that point, maybe you can have the reunion that you imagined...that you all deserve.
And hopefully time will give his amom/wife the clarity and maturity that they so glaringly need.
LVM,This is an unfortunate chain of events, but I do have to ask you a question.Why would you engage so closely with the DIL and say anything at all about the amom or your son to her? I ask that question, because I find myself in a similar situation in my reunion where my bmom talks to me about my bsister and now, my bsister talks to me about my bmom. They express their frustrations with each other to me, and I ALWAYS keep my mouth shut. Honestly, it is draining for me and I have begun to back away.It is a very dysfunctional thing to do when starting a new relationship. The writing is on the wall, as soon as this behavior happens.So, for all who read this thread, and want a successful reunion, you can learn from this.If some tries to use you as a sounding board, against someone else in the new family, don’t say anything or try to get them to stop. You will be put in the middle and it will eventually blow up in your face, like it did for LVM, and it will eventually blow up in my face too.LVM….I want to say I am sorry to hear about what happened to you and hope your son finds his way back to you one day.K
Hey Everyone! :grouphug:
LVM My sincere condolences to you for having suffered all of this. It sounds as if it's been a nightmare.
I agree wholeheartedly with what Raven & Lovemy2Boys said about addiction.
I can't speak much to the reunion end of it but on the addiction end? Ooo Boy!
Take heart in the fact that you're not alone, LVM. There are millions of us out here watching a loved one waste away, while other family members play their games and point their fingers.
Yet at some juncture, it falls to the addict to either sober up or not. We still have to live our lives and can only wait and pray that things can get better.
And I will tell you that I've personally witnessed people who had no business recovering from addiction (they were that ill - at death's door really) who've returned from hell to live productive, compassionate lives. We are powerless over addiction but we are not hopeless in the face of it.
IMO - You are brave to share your story and to reach out to us for support. THAT is never an easy thing to do. God Bless You. :flower:
Lovemy2Boys
No! I'm glad you said it, kiddo! Addiction IS everyone's business whether they know it or not. Shoot, all you have to do is get out there on the freeway and drive a ways. Trust me, there's someone out there with you under the influence of some drug of choice.
It is hard having a sibling who's an addict. Oh, how I relate to you in that pain.
And my heart goes out to Raven and LVM and all parents of addicted children. After all, we can divorce our spouses if they drink, we can avoid our siblings and parents if they drink. But it's a whole 'nother prospect to learn to let go and let God when it comes to watching our children destroy themselves.
I can think of few things that would be tougher.
Love you guys lots! :rockband:
And I know this is off topic so before anyone tells me that it's NOT directed towards me and I shouldn't take it personally - I'll write it out for ya so you don't have to take the time.
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