The outsider looking in

It's so hard to say how your contact would be received by your birthsister, but if your birthmom is not ready for contact, I can only presume that there may be an issue for either one of them if you got in touch with the sister. I'm not saying that should keep you from making the contact. It's a really tough call. Your bmom said she didn't want contact "at this time." Did she give any indication that she'd be open in the future?? Do you know if your birthsister knows about you? Or did your birthmom never tell her other children about you? It will be more difficult if your birthsister knows nothing about you and it comes as a total surprise. If you do decide to contact, your sister is sure to tell your birthmom. To what extent that would upset her, or if it would upset her, I don't know. My guess would be to say that if birthmom is not ready for contact, she might have a hard time with your birthsister being in contact and her loyalty would likely fall to her mom. It's so frustrating and complicated, isn't it? There's just no way to know for sure how anyone would respond. I guess if you feel strongly about making contact, you could try to reach out and see how it goes, but maybe prepare yourself in advance for the possibility it may not go as you would like. Or, you could focus on your birthfather and his side of the family, and maybe after awhile you could reach out again to your birthmom and explain you'd like to build a relationship with your siblings and feel her out on that?? I wish I had better answers for you! Good luck with all this. It takes a lot of courage to reach out knowing the outcome may not be what you desire.

.CKS, I offer you a big cyber hug! Sweetheart, this has been a never ending journey it seems,Huh? I cannot of course, like others have said, give you the answer you seek. I know that, you have been patient, considerate, and dutiful, by your Firstmoms' request. However, I am not of her thinking,(offering you nibbles here and there, and then just out of the blue, leave you with many unanswered questions)only to wait for her in time! This is wrong on many levels. I KNOW each firstmom is different and we each have our own ways and reasons. Fact...she relinquished you to have a better life(I assume), when "we' do this, I assure you, without oubt, she was aware that there would be a very high probability that one day she may see you again. Even though many of "us" were told to gon ..put it behind us..forget about it, they no longer exist. No matter what we were told, we still had an inner voice(conscience...guardian angel...or as my Dad would call it...twin wolves!)that speak to us on the inside...Your Firstmom knew you may come look. Fast forward you found eachother, she participated, until she had to face her family, and decided, regardless of how you felt, to pull away. This is fine, and is expected. You have patiently slipped back to your safe place and are now patiently waiting...sad days, wondering when, wondering about siblings...but patiently waiting. CKS, I fully believe ,as a firstmom, I have that right to pull back, as does she. However she released herself from facing her untruths to her husband/family. She has NO RIGHT, IMHO, to tell you a grown young lady, that you must stay in a corner and wait for any other nibbles she will allow....no right! If it were a given, she is going to tell her truths, and indeed reconnect, she has had plenty of time to do so. Sweetheart, I have said this many times, to you I am sure, I may wake up tomorrow, go to the store, and die on the way...tragic for my family yes, but is a good possibility. WE are not guaranteed 1 more minute, you will NOT know how your sibs will react, until you try to communicate. Even though my son29 yrs.old,and I are very close, I have no rights..nor would I be so crast to imply, to keep him from knowing his twin brothers. These are my secrets , shames, guilts, not the twins...and definately not Jeremys(my son-raised). Only you my darling can make this decision...only your sibs, have the right to except you, or not. I am going to stop, being the typical Firstmom, and just say...Cks, stop feeding the two wolves that live inside you, One of the wolves is UNHAPPINESS;It is fear,worry,anger,jealousy,sorrow,self-pity,resentment,and inferiority. The other other is;HAPPINESS; It is joy, love, serenity, kindness,generosity, compassion, and TRUTH. There can only be 1 wolf that wins......The one you feed! Do what your heart seeks, time is way to short. Your sibs are grown adults, capable of making their very own decisions...I am willing to bet, they would at least feel like they have the RIGHT to know, as do you!:love: Blessings..C.J.

thank you peachy and cetally! HUGS! I know that you can't possibly know what will happen with me/us so thank you for chiming in.:grouphug: Peachy- my 1/2 siblings have known about me for years. Their father and bmom's husband of nearly 37 years did/does not. When we were communicating, she did say that J & R would want to meet me. I agree that her loyalty will remain with her/our mother. cetally - my cyber stand in bmom HUGS! thank you both for responding and trying to help me get in bmom's head. :love:

Hey Cksmom! :flower: The first thing that struck me when I saw this thread was its title: Outsider looking in :( Sending you a hug ((( Cksmom ))). No one (IMO) should have to feel that way or be forced through others actions to have to give themselves that title. When I read what you wrote about the mom and daughter talking every day and being so close, the cynical side of me popped up and I thought "they're enmeshed". Of course, I can't really know that. I have to be careful how I think sometimes. I mean, I'm close to my daughters - love them dearly but I've raised them to have their own lives. That's how it should be - IMO. I have, however, thought a lot about how my daughters would respond to their sister and brother. My youngest can't wait to meet them. She's convinced it will be two more people to buy her Christmas presents! LOL! Hope that doesn't sound awful to people. She's a wonderful kid but she's 12 with all the egocentricities of that age. I think my eldest raised daughter would be more reserved - but only out of fear. She doesn't have to be jealous of her little sister (my youngest raised daughter). She knows my relationship with Little Sis is more about school and "icky boys" LOL and the dramas of junior high. But my adopted daughter is very close in age to my eldest raised daughter and so my eldest may fear that she's competition because she probably has children and is an adult so I can relate to her the same as I would my eldest. I hope that made sense. I can't say how it would be with my son and my eldest. Of course this is all speculation as my eldest has never brought it up since the month after I first came here to the forum. It would probably take time and I wouldn't want to push them. I wouldn't want to deliberately keep them apart either however. They're siblings. So I can't imagine or understand doing that. Sigh...This probably didn't help you much did it? Guess I'm just sharing my thoughts. You're in a tough position not of your own making, Cksmom. And that's wrong of your bmom to place you in it, in my humble opinion. Much peace your way today!:flower:

I know Janey, I re-read the title of my own thread and thought...wow. But really, I do feel like an outsider and before this whole reunion thing, I never did. My afamily was great and never felt like an outsider. I always had this image of my birth parents as shadowy, faceless people that I would never know. But now I know who she is and who they all are, I am the outsider. I am the skelton in her closet. I don't know if I can go years like this. Some of us do just sit around waiting until the other person(s) is ready for reunion. infruriating!! The roller coaster rears it's ugly head and today I feel like I should call everyone in bmom's family and introduce myself as the long lost but never known about relative. If she can't do the telling, then I will. And then she can really see that it is okay and nobody is judging her or looking down on her for a decision she made 39 years ago. I would be there to say, if you are judged then you need to stand up and hold your head up and tell them to get over it. I mean 4 decades people!! ok, I'm rambling...thanks for letting me.:love:

Ramble away my dear friend! I'm listening! :-) Love ya much! :-)

P.S. You are not a skeleton. You are a living breathing human being with talents, compassion and wisdom to share. Just in case you didn't know that! :-)

I just have a comment--I have been reading here and " Just Peachy" you sure have a knack for saying just the right thing to people & helping them. You answered me the other day & it was very helpful and thoughtful!!! You must be a wonderful person--Thanks again, Oh, If I didn't put this in the right place, someone let me know because I'm new to this, I just thought of that!:thanks:

I went back today to re-read that list sister wrote and my brother has also joined facebook! His page is private but I can still see his profile picture. first time I have seen him! and 2 cousins are also on there now. When I was searching, I got pretty deep into bmom's family trying to confirm if she was the one. i just don't know... tomorrow will be 6 months since I mailed my contact letter.

Since your half-sis is so close with her/your mom, I think it would be risky for you to try to contact her directly -- she will surely tell her mom. It is peculiar that your sibs know about you -- do you think your bmom told them that she actually communicated with you a few months ago? If so, I would think they would want to meet you. If I were you, I would concentrate on re-building your relationship with your bmom for now. After some time, I think you could write her a super sweet letter requesting a "fresh start" to your reunion. She was friendly at the beginning, so hopefully she'll come around again. I'm not really in the position to be giving advice, however. Like you, I often feel like I am an outsider looking in. I've seen my half-bro's grown daughters' pictures on the Net, and I've seen some of my bfamily's houses on real estate sites, I know their birthdates and other facts, etc. But I'm only known to my two half-sibs -- their children (all adults) have no clue that their grandma had a third child and gave her up for adoption. It's really frustrating to be in the closet! Why do I have to be the "family secret"? I don't belong to facebook (my kids don't want me to join because they don't want me snooping on them!). It must be really strange to see your half-sibs on facebook -- exciting in a way, but equally frustrating because you can't reach out to them. I was so freaked out when I first saw my half-bro's picture on his website -- it was the first time I had ever seen someone who was actually related to me (besides my own kids) -- it was a profound moment that only we adoptees can understand. So I'm trying to be patient -- my half-sis did send me some pictures of my bmom last Nov. and she also wrote that maybe we can meet someday...that was very nice on her part, but now I'm just waiting again. I'm in a much better state of mind, but I sincerely doubt I will hear from her anytime soon. What I don't want to do is become pushy and scare her away -- I don't want her to think that I am needy. It's all a game, isn't it? So I continue to be on the outside looking in, like you. Sometimes I feel like everyone is invited to the party but me. All I can suggest is that you keep exercising patience -- hopefully it will pay off. We have to play the game on their terms -- they set the rules and we have to follow. Not fair, I know. By the way, do you have any idea how to find your bfather? Do you know any part of his name? Maybe searching for him will help take your mind off your maternal bfamily for awhile. Good luck.

CKS, Goodmorning, and to all the same....I was just thinking,)I know this could be dangerous...it hurts my head to have to think), You have follow your bmoms request, and you gave her every chance. Your sibs, have NOT made the same request. You owe no homage to your bmom, by not contacting your sibs! Even if they are close, most probably, they will not divulge to their mom(your bmom), that you have contacted them. Why..you might ask, (or not), my brother and I are the only 2 sibs, that did not belong to my father,(whom raised us), and when we started contact with 'our" bdad,(12 yrs ago, we have not told our mom to this day...and my brother is extrememly close to our mother. His theory and I agreed, was that her knowing would upset her and most likely she would deny the fact anyway. My dad(GOD rest his sole) knew from dau 1 of our contact, he felt like Dan,(my brother) that she would get upset and deny...so to this day she doesn't even know we attended his visitation when he passed, nor that we are even aware of his existence. So do not pay homage to you bmom, by NOT contacting your sibs...if this is what you want...Blessings..C.J.