Parenting as a birthmom?

It was a little weird at first- things kept going thru my head- especially at milestones.. but it got and gets easier... my BSon is now 18- and my son is 10- i still think well, what was "Ryan's" first--- like.... if you want to talk more, feel free to PM me... and we can discuss it more HTH Kerri

Hello CommonSits, I'm a bmom with 2 raised children. I think that relinquishing a child has had a major impact on me as a mom. The first thing that comes to mind is that when my children were born, I could not leave them. I did for the first time when they started 1/2 day kindergarten (and it was traumatic for me to do so). I think that leaving my dd in the hospital made it impossible for me to leave my children at all. I don't know if anyone else felt this way, but this was my experience.

I'm a bmom with 1 raised son. My bson is 21 and raised son is 15. I can relate to both of the previous posters. Certain milestones with my son would remind me of what I missed with my bson. Also, I find that I'm very overprotective with my raised son. I've always been resistant to giving him any type of new freedom....such as crossing the street by himself, riding his bike to a friend's house, etc.

My oldest child I'm raising is soon 6. My son that I relinquished is soon 24. It's been a bit weird at times, I think it's made reunion have a bit more impact, that is when it really hit me everything I've missed.

I'm not sure what you mean by "coped" with "keeping the child." Our parented sons were planned so it wasn't really ever an issue. We were 100% ready and excited to become parents. Being a birth mother, however, has shaded how I parent. I am extra cautious with my children in certain ways. I have a tendency to hover because I am in constant fear that someone/something will take them away from me. I am also beyond scared that if I make a mistake while parenting in public, someone will call CPS on me and my children will be removed. This, of course, is a fear 100% based on relinquishment and the insecurities that lead to my daughter's adoption as I am an amazing mother. :)

When my daughter was born 10 years after my son who was relinquished to adoption, I was amazed that they actually handed her to me in the hospital and terrified that they would realize their mistake and take her away from me. When we were released and my husband brought the car around I put her into her car seat, jumped in and slammed the door and said "Go! Go! Go!". I felt like we were in a getaway car--I even looked back to see if anyone was running out after us. With my second daughter, I was more confident until, after sending my husband down to sign papers and get the car, a doctor came in and told me that they would have to keep my daughter because there was something wrong. Wow, Did I start to freak out! I was absolutely frantic. As it turned out, a nurse had been doing a procedure wrong, thusly skewing the results. My daughter was fine--but once again, I felt like we had her in the getaway car. I have always been an overprotective mother; I like to have my children around so that I know they are ok (I also enjoy their company). Yes, I'm sure a lot of it stems from the fact that I never got to see my son at his birth, and then had to leave with empty arms, never knowing if he was ok. After being able to hold subsequent children in my arms and feel that overwhelming rush of love, I knew that my son and I both missed having that.

i am a soon to be first time parenting mom and I already know i'm being sensative about issues that a "normal" mom wouldn't feel. I have to have a c-cection, i did with my b-son and my town wont to v-backs, anyways, they want me to go to recovery for 2 hours by myself, while my husband will stay with the baby. I think not! I will do everything in my power to not be seperated from my family....i can already tell my first tramatic experience is impacting me.

hhhmmm ... me neither.... i relinquished in 1986... and since then, had three bio daughters and have just finalized the adoption of the fourth... my first child born 4 years after placing was simply joy... as were the next three... there wasn't any "coping" i adore all four of my raised kids.... and never once thought i "shouldn't" have any kids because i placed the first... i always knew i wanted to be a mother.... and even though i wasn't allowed to be one the first time around... it didn't stop me from having that dream come true... was my parenting different? you betcha.... there's a whole thread here about that somewhere.... i will try to find it and post the link.... j

here it is... great thread, too.... i think i will reread it! [URL="http://forums.adoption.com/birth-family-healing-recovery-success/321024-generational-effects-placing-baby.html"]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-family-healing-recovery-success/321024-generational-effects-placing-baby.html[/URL]

I have never ever been able to "cope" with relinquishing my son. Was by far the hardest thing I've ever done and has colored my entire adult life. I have two beautifully spoiled raised children and one biological son whom I relinquished in 1980 during the closed era. I have three children, my relinquished son who is now 28, and my daughter-19, and youngest son 16 and yes i call them all my babies much to their utter horror. I'm not sure if I would have done anything differently because my life is all I know but I do know that I too have been SUPERMOM TO THE RESCUE. Let's see, room mother, Girl Scout Leader, Team Mom for both Drill team and peewee football, Scorekeeper for baseball, and all around "dependable, organized Mrs. G" who (I have always hoped) is the epitome of what mothers should be! I have always run in a single bound to either of my children crying, have an excess of bandaids and neosporin on hand, made sure to have family outings, family dinners, etc. This is who I am so I don't know any other way but if I am 100% honest, yes, I have been the overachiever mom because I wanted to prove to myself I was capable of being a good mom. I wanted others to see it and most importantly of all, I wanted my relinquished child to see it if he ever chose to come back into my life. I know that my raised children are happy, well adjusted, and good people. I feel I did a great job, a bit paranoid, a bit crazy, but in that place where deep down I felt like I had to be supermom I created a safe and loving environment for my kids to be themselves. I love being a mom to all 3 of my kids, my 2 raised and my 1 relinquished son. I am equally nutty with all of them but like I said that is who I am and I know no other way!

I am a Firstmom, but relinquishing effected me in different ways, than my sister comrads above me. I am opposite of all thus far, in the way I already had my oldest son, he was soon to be 6, when I relinquished his twin brothers. My specific journey, was either sign or they would take my 6 yr. old! I had changed my mind, and the agencydid not sit well with this, so they went into coercion mode. I was scared and had no one to talk to, and because the twins father, had indeed relinquished his first 2 sons, (by signing away his rights), He was absolutely NO support in my decision, so being terrified in a town the size of Tucson, and knowing no one, I did indeed sign. In doing so, from that time forward, they will be 23 yrs old next Wed. I chose to NEVER allow myself to become a mother again...thinking how does a Mom give away twin sons, then derserve to have anymore. So, I know this does not truly help with your inquiry, but , going onward with raisng my oldest son, there were many many days , when J.R., would hit a certain milestone, that I would constantly thin about my twin sons, and how they would handle something..when they came across the same milestone. Blessings to all...C.J.:flower:

I placed a son for adoption almost 17 years ago. I was never able to get pregnant after that. My DH and I adopted a beautiful baby boy in November '08. When I placed my son I was not allowed to see him after he was born. The doctors and nurses said it would be "Too hard to do what's right" if I saw him. I was a teenager and didn't know I had the right to see him until I signed those papers. Due to my life circumstances at that time, I know adoption was the best decision for my son. I have never regretted that decision. I regret putting myself in the position where adoption was my only option. I also regret not standing up and demanding to see my son when he was born but those are the only things that really haunt me. When DH and I were waiting to adopt I wanted an open adoption because I didn't want another girl to go through what I have been through. It turned out that his birthmom wanted a closed adoption. She refused to see him in the hospital, she refused to meet us. I reached out to her for three days throught the social worker and lawyer and tried to get her to come see her son and spend time with him before she signed TPR. She refused. I was really upset about it for the first two months. I'm pretty sure I would not have been so tore up about that if I had not been a birthmom myself. I don't believe I parent W any differently than I would have parented a bio child if given a chance. I parent him very similar to my friends and in laws who have kids. I don't hover or anything like that. This is a very interesting topic and I look forward to reading other's perspective on this.

Hey there! I would say that being a birthmother has influenced me in that I'm very open with my daughters re. their sexuality and the challenges they will face in their teen and young adult yeas. I keep the lines of communication open with them and am honest about what my choices cost me. But in all honestly I can't say I wouldn't have been that way anyway. On the one hand, I'd like to think my being a birthmother doesn't completely define me. On the other hand, I have no other frame of reference from which to operate. Hugs to all,

I had 3 more children after my daughter was born. I would have been devastated to probably commiting suicide if I hadn't been able to have anymore after being forsed to give my first away. The weird thing about it though is my 2nd and 3rd child were born during my marriage to my first husband. I didn't worry so much about them being taken from me and I didn't freak out about them being out of the room for any reason. However, my 4th child (and last) was born out of wedlock and I freaked out constantly if he wasn't in my room with me. I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I kept thinking they'd find a way to take him from me because I wasn't married and they would steal him like they stole my first child. Every noise that was made even when I was asleep I'd wake right up. mere footsteps tiptoeing across the floor during the night woke me up. Once I got him home though I didn't worry so much about that but while I was in the hospital it was horrible. I couldn't sleep in fear of someone stealing him from me. I was overly protective of all my children I know. I wouldn't let them out of my sight without knowing exactly where they were and I made sure I called any friends they were at and I'd peek out the door to see if they were in the yard every few minutes because I worried about them being kidnapped. I was a nervous wreck for a long time so I guess I really did worry a lot about them and it was probably from my first being stolen from me. Rylee

I don't know that I had any issues as a parent from being a birthparent. I met my bchild shortly before the birth of our adopted child, and it reaffirmed my belief in adoption and gave me great strength. I do think as a bmom I made concessions to our bmom that got us into rough waters pretty quickly. Had I been interacting with both my head AND heart, I would have been better at setting boundaries that would have benefited everyone.