when i see her in my daughter....

Jules, HUGS to you! Adoption really is a sad journey, it does cause far-reaching damage does it not? I am where you were...22 yrs+, 23 in March, I too know nothing of them. All I go by is my memories of 4 day old infants. Of course, I am aware, and go by memory of my raised son(29 yrs), for what they must surely be like now. I have been here now since June 08. I have read happy, sad, and heartbreaking journeys, yet I still come and learn. In my reality of my mistake, I really and truly have NO expectations of reunion...I only wish to locate them, know they are alive safe,healthy and happy, beyond that I hold no expectations, and am willing to build a relationship( as a friend) if they so choose..if not I will except and rest more peacefully knowing. I have not ever even been given 1 picture, I have only what I took of them in the hospital. I do not know what to expect if I am given the chance to visually see them. I hope by having the chance to reunite with your daughter, you feel so blessed and know that your raised daughter is that much more appreciated. My son,29 yrs. , raised, has told me he has no thoughts of his twin brothers, one way or another, he excepts and understands my need to know. He says he most likely will never feel a connection with them, because they were not raised by me. IF and when I locate them, he says this will most likely be the same for them. You are correct, siblings..but yet not.. 20/20 is most definately hind-sight, but still...we can wish....Blessings to you, C.J.

my heart goes out to you both - I'm not sure which is harder, to be honest, no reunion or a reunion that is not all that one expects. I do know that I placed a heavy burden on my raised kids, unintentionally, as every milestone was met with what is HE doing, is HE ok, don't get me wrong, my raised kids had no idea until they were both adults, which I think is harder on them, but a part of me was never happy, could never give to them wholly my heart. Sorry, but I am not in a great place right now, physically and emotionally but I do know this, no matter what anyone says - we did the best we could in a difficult situation, and I truly believe, that deep down, all our children realize that we love them (even if they haven't met us yet!). take care and big hugs! Keds

i think all of my daughters would have liked to have had a relationship with their oldest sister.... i think they will always feel the loss of her presence in their lives. keds.... hugs. i've been there. the highs and lows of relinquishing are so much lower and so much higher than other things we deal with in life, aren't they? my relinquished daughter was certainly the ghost child in my life for many years.... she haunted my life... especially how i raised the others.... but not anymore.... thanks to this place.... and the amazing women i have met here.... i have been able to walk through that journey... shake the ghost out of my head...

I'm really sorry Julie!! Why does this have to be so hard? I don't know the details but am sad that you believe it is over forever with your reunion. You know it's funny, I was just thinking this morning about this type of thing. I'm an adoptee still hopeful that found bmom will want reunion. My 16 yo daughter is SO much like me. Everyone always says so. She looks a lot like her dad but her manerisms, expressions and voice are completely me. It makes me wonder if I am just like my bmom or maybe my bsister and don't even know it. It's obvious to me that genetics is a huge factor in that. My acousin and agrandfather were identical in every way and my acousin grew up in a different state from our grandpa. genetics! HUGS HUGS!!!:grouphug:

genetics are a strange thing... aren't they? our last daughter is a relative adoption... and i LOVE that i can see her birthmom in her face and expressions... and that i can see her birthsister in her smile... and her mannerisms.... i love that i will be able to tell her about that.... and hope that she will have some genetic mirroring with our family... unfortunately, she doesn't actually look like us.... we happen to look completely different from most of our extended family.... and our daughter looks like the extended family.... but at least she can see that! from the time number 3 was born, i could see her paternal grandfather in many of her expressions... it was weird!! because we have never lived by him... but she has his facial expressions..... and yes... sadly, i do believe i will never have a relationship with my relinquished daughter.... but this is something that is her choice.... she was in control of the situation... and she chose to end things.....

(((Julie))), it must be a bittersweet feeling when you see the mannerisms or facial expressions of your firstborn daughter in your 18-year-old daughter. Yep, genetics are hard to dismiss. My son is almost a clone of his maternal grandfather, my dad. Their childhood photos are almost identical. We share so many personality traits and mannerisms that it's a bit eerie. We have the same quirky step when we walk and a thousand other similarities. I remember when you were going through the difficult ending to your reunion with your bdaughter. I know how much pain and grief you felt at the time. I can also hear the resignation in your voice when you say you think she'll never be back. She's very young still...wasn't she only 18 when you first met her? The one thing I've learned in my 54 years on this planet is to never say never. None of us knows what tomorrow may bring. And young adults grow up to be full-fledged adults, who become middle-aged adults, who become senior citizens. I guess I'm just saying that I think it's a very real possibility that your bdaughter will come back one day. They do grow up, Julie...eventually. Some just take longer than others. :loveyou: