Open communication w/o disclosing identities?

I have to agree with SchennaLeigh. If a relationship is not started with trust how can you really build on that. The first year things went through the agency but I knew their names and the city where they lived. After that I knew their last names, address and phone number.

I would never, ever, ever have placed my son without knowing as much information about his adad as his adad had about me.We both have each others' full names, cell phone numbers, addresses & emails. I have met his extended family & he will be meeting mine in March.I just don't see what good can come of a relationship (which is what open adoption is to me) that is built on distrust.The words "I don't trust you" may not be spoken, but such a one-sided information highway surely makes "I don't trust you" implied.

Our son's bmom had our cell phone, email, the town we live in, and full names almost immediately. The only thing she doesn't have is our home address. Without going into detail here (I have PM'd you), I am now grateful that she doesn't. This is in NO WAY a generalization of emoms or bmoms, just our experience - which I do not believe is the norm. I think that every relationship is very different, and that you need to proceed in a manner that you are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with progressing slowly and allowing trust to build on both sides. I should probably add that I tend to err to the side of caution in all areas of my life - when I was dating I never had a date pick me up at my home the first time, and only gave out my cell number!

Totally agree with you on this one, Belle. Placing a child for adoption is a leap of faith...and a sacred trust, IMO. If an open adoption is the goal, this trust has to be going in both directions. I've been a birthmother for almost 37 years now, and I have yet to meet another birthmom who hid in the bushes outside her child's home. Why would we?? We're the ones who placed our children to begin with, in order that they have better lives than we could provide. Why sabotage that goal?

Until I read that paragraph, I was with those who asked "why don't you want her to know your number?". But, from that paragraph, it sounds like there may be legitimate concerns. I'm actually surprised by how negative some of the responses were. I agree that, in most situations, openness is the best. But some people (both birth- and adoptive-parents) need time to be comfortable with that. Overall, I'd say that giving her a real phone number wouldn't bother me, based on what you've said. :hippie:

So people don't change?

AAAH. Somehow I deleted my long post. Here I go again...Rredhead, I initially felt some of the posts were pretty negative, but thought I was just sensitive since they were directed towards me. That, and I was in a stressful situation at the time. Now when I read them, I can see that each person is writing based on their own history.I do not think that the birth moms here are 100% representational of all birthmoms and specifically, not the birth mom in our match.We have never promised anything we are not willing to deliver and have been open and honest in our letter and on the phone. I cannot say the same for her. Turns out she lied about the birthfather. She listed the birthfather of her older children instead. There are other less significant things she has not been truthful about and she has admitted to a gun charge in addition to the jail time for fraud she previously disclosed.Can she change? Sure, I am not really worried about past jail time at this point. But, I am concerned re: her lack of truthfulness in something as important as naming the birthfather.With all that said, we have shared our full names and phone number. I think she has a lot of positive qualities and I respect her reasons for choosing not to parent this child. The baby is not due until July, I hope we can develop a relationship that is more open and trusting.Again, thanks for giving me insight from all perspectives on this adoption journey. It is so much more complicated than I ever imagined, but I am here to learn.

AAAH. Somehow I deleted my long post. Here I go again...Rredhead, I initially felt some of the posts were pretty negative, but thought I was just sensitive since they were directed towards me. That, and I was in a stressful situation at the time. Now when I read them, I can see that each person is writing based on their own history.I do not think that the birth moms here are 100% representational of all birthmoms and specifically, not the birth mom in our match.We have never promised anything we are not willing to deliver and have been open and honest in our letter and on the phone. I cannot say the same for her. Turns out she lied about the birthfather. She listed the birthfather of her older children instead. There are other less significant things she has not been truthful about and she has admitted to a gun charge in addition to the jail time for fraud she previously disclosed.Can she change? Sure, I am not really worried about past jail time at this point. But, I am concerned re: her lack of truthfulness in something as important as naming the birthfather.With all that said, we have shared our full names and phone number. I think she has a lot of positive qualities and I respect her reasons for choosing not to parent this child. The baby is not due until July, I hope we can develop a relationship that is more open and trusting.Again, thanks for giving me insight from all perspectives on this adoption journey. It is so much more complicated than I ever imagined, but I am here to learn.

Why would you 'match' or go into an open adoption with a person that has been lying to you, or that you don't trust?I dunno - it just seems like this is the type of open adoption that we hear horror stories about. Period...and point blank.....I would NOT ever,ever, EVER go into any type of 'match' or adoption agreement with a person that I don't trust, or already have some kind of negative feeling about - and I do wonder about those who do.

WOW, thanks for the non-judgmental support!!My husband wants me to walk away from this site, but I must be a glutton for punishment...Are you aware you stated 'never, ever, ever' in both your posts? Much like I don't know what it is like to be in your situation, you don't know what it is like to be in mine. It seems obvious to me that there is always more to a situation than what can be conveyed in a post. I am not some desperate idiot willing to do anything for a baby. I know that a raising a child will be a blessing to my husband and I, but I have a great marriage and we will move on if we are not successful in adoption.The birthmom volunteered the info that she was not fully truthful so I am considering that positive. I believe she fully intends to place her child at this time. We can't ask for more. I only spoke of the issues to explain why we were being cautious. She is going through an emotional and uncertain situation which may have led to the lies. I hope this is true and that we can develop an honest communication. If so, I will encourage a more open adoption (she only wants pictures) If she continues to struggle with honesty we will likely stick to the semi-open arrangement. (obviously, certain lies would cause us to discontinue the match) I don't think that just because a birthmom or anyone is not taught the value of telling the truth that she doesn't love her child and want them to have a loving adoptive family. Her child certainly deserves a loving family.I think my biggest mistake was posting on the open adoption page. I'm sure there are other mistakes. Can't wait for someone to point them out.

Somehow I missed the jail time and for that I apologize. I was just going by what was said in the first post and without the whole background that is where I came from. If she has been up front with you about the birthfather now you can build, hopefully, on that in the next few months. It is always easier to start out slowly then to start at break neck speed and try to pull back.

lahdh4,Thank you for the apology. I was not offended by your original post. I am open to the opinions of others, but I am bothered when people are "point blank" rude.

Ok...point blank:p I wasn't trying to be rude, but you did ask for opinions & I gave you mine. I still do wonder about entering into an agreement with a person that you are unsure about. I know for a fact that people can change, but we aren't talking about a situation that you're already in, we're talking about a situation that you will be inviting into your life. I'm a birthmom (as if that isn't obvious:woohoo: ) & I know that I wouldn't enter an adoption with an adoptive family that I had misgivings about - no matter how much I liked them, no matter what they promised for the future - this is a situation that will be there for life, so why not enter into one where at least initially you feel 100% comfortable. Hopingforachild, I know that you are new, if my postings were rude or hurtful to you, please accept my apologies - adoption is a hard thing from all perspectives - & I surely don't want to be a person who has chased you away from a community that has so much to offer.:loveyou:

Thank you heart_strings. I didn't want to get into a long series of negative posts, but I felt like I needed to "stand up for myself" for lack of a better term. I appreciate you putting an end to it.I do feel better about my situation with the bmom than I did when I initially started this thread. As some pointed out, you can't always rely on SW's advice, but three separate adoption professionals who have interacted with her have only had good things to say about working with her. As I said, my husband and I had good feelings about her after our first conversation. I think this will turn out to be just a bump in a road.

Hopingforachild--I don't think this has been mentioned, if it has I apologize...but what we did when we started our adoption journey was set up an 800 number that just rolled to my cell phone, it was cheap $4 a month and it has around a 100 minutes free with that including long distance that they could call us. We had printed them on a card that we gave to friends and family who may know an emom along with my email address. We now have our beautiful daughter and we have kept the 800 number for our bmom, but she now has my cell number as well. I kept the 800 number in case she is out of state visiting family and she wants to call or her family may want to call us. We are in a very new open adoption and we both have all of each other contact information and it has been wonderful, no problems. And I don't expect any problems :) I wish you the best with this match! Congrats!!