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This is an open letter to moms considering placing their baby for adoption.
I have worn many hats in the world of adoption but I am now happily retired enjoying grandmotherhood. I recruited foster and adopting parents for social services, adopted two children in what became a very open adoption, and then became a counselor for birthparents. I have been involved in over 600 adoptions. Every adoption has taught me so much about taking responsibility for personal choices
I am writing this in a very frank manner Җ I am not choosing words that are politically correct I am writing this with words of experience. Frankly, I am so tired of being politically correct, measuring every word to try to make certain that I won֒t offend anyone. However, what I truly get is that sometimes what needs to be said will offend, but still needs to be said. I dont want to coddle you; I want you to face the truth. Here are things that I have learned after 30 years involved in adoption. I write this for momҒs hoping that they will stop and think before they make any decision and I must say to vent a little. After 30 years, I need and deserve to.
I am tired of people blaming everyone else for their choice to place their child for adoption. I am tired for women blaming men for their unplanned pregnancy because the last time I checked, men couldn֒t get pregnant. I am tired of women saying they were raped only to find out that it was a complete lie they didn֒t want people to judge them so they make up a story of being raped. Its all about not taking responsibility for their own actions. Out of 100 cases that Birthmoms told me that they had been raped, only two were actual rapes Җ the rest turned out to be verified lies.
Adoption has to be one the hardest choices a Birthmom makes it֒s a choice that if we want to be real about it, will cause the Birthmom tremendous emotional suffering. They will suffer great loss. They lose being called Mom, they lose the baby showers, and the birthday parties and they very likely wont get to kiss their child good night. You do not get to make the decisions about the way your child is parented Җ it is not your right anymore you gave that right to someone else. It is painful, painful, and painful.
However, ladies, it is not about you. Period. It is about what is in the best interest of the baby. Not you. If you are placing your child, it should be because you truly feel that your child has the right to have a better life than what you can currently provide. And ladies ֖ open adoption where you have an active role with the child you placed may sound good to you but after 30 years in the adoption world, I will absolutely tell you that the women who had the hardest time moving forward in their lives were the women who had visitation with their placed children. It didn֒t matter what type of therapy they had, or not, or who counseled them, their lives were far more traumatic and frozen than those that chose to wait until their child made the decision to meet them adult to adult.
Children need stability and not the confusion of which mom they are to love most. Adoption is confusing and there needs to be a maturity level there to wrap it around their hearts and minds. To require that children have a relationship with their Birthparents is simply for the Birthparents. Until children are mature enough to decide what role they want their Birthparents to have in their life ֖ it does not benefit them. Birthparents may want it but if you think you are doing your child a favor ֖ I would completely disagree with you. Allow your child to have a stable childhood allow the people you chose to parent your child to be the parents.
Please don֒t play the victim role it is the worst thing for you and your child. If you play victim then your child will feel guilty for having their life with their adopted parents. They will feel that they somehow ruined your life. Don֒t do that to your child. I have seen this have horrible consequences for adopted children. Own your decision, own your choice. Write a letter to your child that lets them know that you are so happy that you could bless them with the good adopting parents that you chose for them. Let them know that you made this choice out of the purist form of a mothers love there is Җ because you felt that your child deserved the best and you could not offer that to them at that time. Give this letter to the adopting parents to give your child, when they feel the time is right for them to read and understand it. The adoptive parents have the best chance of making the right choice of knowing when the time is right for this.
Moreover, if you do not feel that adoption is the right choice for your child, than ladies, figure out a way to parent. If you are embarrassed to tell your family (and your family is a stable family) and think they wont help you Җ check your ego at the door and ask them anyway. If you do not have a functional family, then look at alternatives. You may have a circle of friends that could become a functioningӔ support system for you. If you do not have family or friends that provide you with healthy support, then look to your local community support systems and see if there is any help available for you. When you explore ALL your choices, then you will feel more confident with whatever choice you make. Then you can own your decision.
In addition, whatever you do, DO NOT place the hearts of potential adopting parents in the midst of your indecision. It is extremely cruel to tell adopting parents that you are certain about your decision if you are not. Until you have done your own personal exploration don֒t get adopting parents involved.
And ladies do not sell your babies. If you accept money from adopting parents for your ֓living expenses when you still have not positively made up your mind Ԗ you are focused on the money and not what is in the best interest of your child. Lets get real Җ your expenses do not go up because you are pregnant if you need money for more nutritious food, there are state programs that can help you. If you need medical care ֖ every state has programs for pregnant woman. Other than these two bills, all other bills are not about the baby. Just because you are pregnant does not mean you cannot work. I find that the healthiest women (emotionally and physically) are the women who work through their pregnancy. Figure out a way to pay your own bills so you never have to feel that you sold your baby. I cant begin to tell you how many women told me that their biggest regret in their adoption process was being enticed by the fact that someone would pay their bills during the pregnancy. When they look back, they wonder if they had figured out a way to pay their own bills, then maybe they could have seen that they could have managed to care for their baby on their own as well.
If you have accepted money from adopting parents and change your mind at the end - for heavenҒs sake pay those poor adopting parents back - EVERY cent you accepted from them. How dare you not! Be clear you ARE responsible for their heartbreak. You promised them a baby and if you really haven֒t owned that decision and change your mind ֖ you do break their hearts. APOLOGIZE!!!!!! Nothing is more inhumane to me than a Birthmom who doesnt acknowledge the pain they have caused adopting parents when they change their minds about the adoption. This does not mean that you do not have the right to change your mind; it means you MUST accept how this impacts others, Җ there are victims to your indecision.
Wait breathe ֖ give yourself a chance to truly explore your options. Know that there are thousands of qualified adopting parents that will gladly adopt your baby after you have given yourself some time to decide what is right for you and your baby. If your baby is a newborn or two weeks or two months old when you decide to place that is better than making a promise to adopting parents that you really are not ready to make. Take your time but don֒t put adopting parents through your excruciating indecision.
If you do not HONESTLY believe that adoption is going to give your child a better life, then get your act together and parent. However, if you decide to place, THANK the adopting parents that are going to give your child a wonderful life. Appreciate them. Their lifetime commitment to your child is something that you should appreciate if you do not see this ֖ you are going to live a life of misdirected resentment.
If you lie about the Birthfather there are LIFETIME consequences for that choice. Sometimes it might be worth the lie (if your babys life would truly be in danger)Җ but you have to be clear there are ALWAYS consequences. If you lie, there is a parent out there that may never know they have a child. He might have been a good parent and wanted to parent. If you lie, there may be no way to get important family medical information that could mean life or death for your child. In addition, if you lie and the birthfather finds out after the baby is placed in the home of your choice, that baby could be ripped away from the family, because of your lie. What that would do to your baby and the adopting family is simply horrific. It might feel simpler, or easier for you to lie, but dont kid yourself Җ you are making a choice with significant consequences. When your child finds out that you lied about the birthfather, that choice could lose you a relationship with your adult child I have seen this happen.
Know that no one can take away the fact that you will always have one of the most significant roles in your child֒s life regardless if you ever see them after they are born. For nine months, you make choices that will have lifelong consequences for your child. If you decide to drink, smoke or take drugs during your pregnancy, you are abusing your child (as I said Im tired of sugar coating). Stop it. ItҒs not about you it֒s about the baby. Get help tell a doctor ֖ get help! You need to know in your heart that every choice you make for your child is made with the greatest of intentions and love. Then and only then, you can be proud of yourself and can give your baby the best start in life without guilt or regrets.
The Birthmom of my children is my hero. She is an amazing woman She went from being addicted to cocaine to becoming Vice Chancellor of a University. She is the greatest of grandma to our five grandchildren. When our children were old enough to decide, they decided to embrace her and she has been part of their very happy lives.
Our children are very successful and we couldnt be happier that they love everything about their life. They love both their moms. Their Birthmom let them grow up in a very stable home and she spent that time getting her act together, so that when her children were ready to embrace her, she would be the woman they could be proud of. She has clearly achieved that goal!
Whatever choices you make for your child Җ OWN your choice, take responsibility for it, and dont play victim. Become the person your child will be proud of and become the person you will be proud of.
If you do decide to place your baby, be sure that you are working with an organization that their only priority is to help you do what is in the best interest of your baby. If you work with a for-profit adoption organization, their first goal is to make money. Work with a licensed non-profit adoption agency only. Ask to see their non-profit status certification and their agency state license. Be certain that their counseling staff has the right education and the right licensures. You need to work with qualified people and organizations of integrity. This journey is so difficult and you need to have quality support.
I wish you and your baby the best-
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So did you counsel birthmothers before or after they placed their children for adoption? Just curious...
A new mother who decides not to place her child for adoption is not responsible for the PAPs' hearts being broken. Maybe potential adoptive parents should be instructed to only match with babies who are already born. It goes both ways. Trying to guilt-trip a new mother who decides to keep her infant by pointing out the heartbreak "she" is causing is a terrible thing to do...and an all too often occurence in some adoption agencies.
As far as thanking the APs for adopting the child? That's going a little too far, I think. Although most adopted children grow up in loving, stable homes, this is not always the case. Why should the APs be thanked by the birthmother for adopting her child any more than a birthmother should be thanked for relinquishing the baby? Adoption is a way to build families, and relinquishment is a way to provide a better life for one's child when circumstances are dismal. Saying "thank you" to someone who is adopting your baby sounds too much like a Charles Dicken's story, at least to me. Most relinquished newborns aren't little abandoned waifs depending on the kindness of strangers.
Just my two cents, for whatever it's worth...
P.S. And, yes, I am one of those birthmothers who has always taken full responsibility for becoming pregnant. Many of us on these boards talk about how choices can be slim, but they are still choices. Most of us own up to what we've done...
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Whatever choices you make for your child – OWN your choice, take responsibility for it, and don’t play victim. Become the person your child will be proud of and become the person you will be proud of.
Actually my intention is to be a person I am proud of. ONLY IN THAT WAY, can I teach my children anything.
I find your post insulting, presumptious and quite frankly suspect.
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I guess with all your teaching and couseling all those years you really didn't learn much did you....hmmm...like comapssion, non judgment...how the adoptee may feel ect......
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I, do agree, and thank you for this post on YOUR experience. However this sis not a 1 size fits all. As a foster/ adopt parent, I cannot image ALL THE HURT you have dealt with...but is plain to see from some of your post. I was 25, when I relinquished, so I have always taken responsibility for my option of choosing my 6 yr. old or losing my twins ALONG WITH losing my 6 yr. old...some choice huh? I lose 2...or I lose 3????what would have been your choice? I will never thank their parents for giving them a good life...simply because I would take this as an insult to their ability to love my twins, or any child, I pray they have been given all the love and guidance that is needed to raise a child to become a healthy, happy, productive adult. I have not the experience to do what you have done for 30 yrs...please do not assume you know ANY FIRSTMOMS reasoning...yes I do understand and take full responsibilty...for I have no one to blame ...except an agency that was not licensed, and sold my twins! regardless I want to thank you for taking care of little innocent acts of GOD, for if it were not for MOMS like you there would have been many to suffer...BLESSINGS...C.J.
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CreativeCAFamily
This is an open letter to moms considering placing their baby for adoption.
I have worn many hats in the world of adoption but I am now happily retired enjoying grandmotherhood. I recruited foster and adopting parents for social services, adopted two children in what became a very open adoption, and then became a counselor for birthparents. I have been involved in over 600 adoptions. Every adoption has taught me so much about taking responsibility for personal choices
I am writing this in a very frank manner Җ I am not choosing words that are politically correct I am writing this with words of experience. Frankly, I am so tired of being politically correct, measuring every word to try to make certain that I won֒t offend anyone. However, what I truly get is that sometimes what needs to be said will offend, but still needs to be said. I dont want to coddle you; I want you to face the truth. Here are things that I have learned after 30 years involved in adoption. I write this for momҒs hoping that they will stop and think before they make any decision and I must say to vent a little. After 30 years, I need and deserve to.
I am tired of people blaming everyone else for their choice to place their child for adoption. I am tired for women blaming men for their unplanned pregnancy because the last time I checked, men couldn֒t get pregnant. I am tired of women saying they were raped only to find out that it was a complete lie they didn֒t want people to judge them so they make up a story of being raped. Its all about not taking responsibility for their own actions. Out of 100 cases that Birthmoms told me that they had been raped, only two were actual rapes Җ the rest turned out to be verified lies.
Adoption has to be one the hardest choices a Birthmom makes it֒s a choice that if we want to be real about it, will cause the Birthmom tremendous emotional suffering. They will suffer great loss. They lose being called Mom, they lose the baby showers, and the birthday parties and they very likely wont get to kiss their child good night. You do not get to make the decisions about the way your child is parented Җ it is not your right anymore you gave that right to someone else. It is painful, painful, and painful.
However, ladies, it is not about you. Period. It is about what is in the best interest of the baby. Not you. If you are placing your child, it should be because you truly feel that your child has the right to have a better life than what you can currently provide. And ladies ֖ open adoption where you have an active role with the child you placed may sound good to you but after 30 years in the adoption world, I will absolutely tell you that the women who had the hardest time moving forward in their lives were the women who had visitation with their placed children. It didn֒t matter what type of therapy they had, or not, or who counseled them, their lives were far more traumatic and frozen than those that chose to wait until their child made the decision to meet them adult to adult.
Children need stability and not the confusion of which mom they are to love most. Adoption is confusing and there needs to be a maturity level there to wrap it around their hearts and minds. To require that children have a relationship with their Birthparents is simply for the Birthparents. Until children are mature enough to decide what role they want their Birthparents to have in their life ֖ it does not benefit them. Birthparents may want it but if you think you are doing your child a favor ֖ I would completely disagree with you. Allow your child to have a stable childhood allow the people you chose to parent your child to be the parents.
Please don֒t play the victim role it is the worst thing for you and your child. If you play victim then your child will feel guilty for having their life with their adopted parents. They will feel that they somehow ruined your life. Don֒t do that to your child. I have seen this have horrible consequences for adopted children. Own your decision, own your choice. Write a letter to your child that lets them know that you are so happy that you could bless them with the good adopting parents that you chose for them. Let them know that you made this choice out of the purist form of a mothers love there is Җ because you felt that your child deserved the best and you could not offer that to them at that time. Give this letter to the adopting parents to give your child, when they feel the time is right for them to read and understand it. The adoptive parents have the best chance of making the right choice of knowing when the time is right for this.
Moreover, if you do not feel that adoption is the right choice for your child, than ladies, figure out a way to parent. If you are embarrassed to tell your family (and your family is a stable family) and think they wont help you Җ check your ego at the door and ask them anyway. If you do not have a functional family, then look at alternatives. You may have a circle of friends that could become a functioningӔ support system for you. If you do not have family or friends that provide you with healthy support, then look to your local community support systems and see if there is any help available for you. When you explore ALL your choices, then you will feel more confident with whatever choice you make. Then you can own your decision.
In addition, whatever you do, DO NOT place the hearts of potential adopting parents in the midst of your indecision. It is extremely cruel to tell adopting parents that you are certain about your decision if you are not. Until you have done your own personal exploration don֒t get adopting parents involved.
And ladies do not sell your babies. If you accept money from adopting parents for your ֓living expenses when you still have not positively made up your mind Ԗ you are focused on the money and not what is in the best interest of your child. Lets get real Җ your expenses do not go up because you are pregnant if you need money for more nutritious food, there are state programs that can help you. If you need medical care ֖ every state has programs for pregnant woman. Other than these two bills, all other bills are not about the baby. Just because you are pregnant does not mean you cannot work. I find that the healthiest women (emotionally and physically) are the women who work through their pregnancy. Figure out a way to pay your own bills so you never have to feel that you sold your baby. I cant begin to tell you how many women told me that their biggest regret in their adoption process was being enticed by the fact that someone would pay their bills during the pregnancy. When they look back, they wonder if they had figured out a way to pay their own bills, then maybe they could have seen that they could have managed to care for their baby on their own as well.
If you have accepted money from adopting parents and change your mind at the end - for heavenҒs sake pay those poor adopting parents back - EVERY cent you accepted from them. How dare you not! Be clear you ARE responsible for their heartbreak. You promised them a baby and if you really haven֒t owned that decision and change your mind ֖ you do break their hearts. APOLOGIZE!!!!!! Nothing is more inhumane to me than a Birthmom who doesnt acknowledge the pain they have caused adopting parents when they change their minds about the adoption. This does not mean that you do not have the right to change your mind; it means you MUST accept how this impacts others, Җ there are victims to your indecision.
Wait breathe ֖ give yourself a chance to truly explore your options. Know that there are thousands of qualified adopting parents that will gladly adopt your baby after you have given yourself some time to decide what is right for you and your baby. If your baby is a newborn or two weeks or two months old when you decide to place that is better than making a promise to adopting parents that you really are not ready to make. Take your time but don֒t put adopting parents through your excruciating indecision.
If you do not HONESTLY believe that adoption is going to give your child a better life, then get your act together and parent. However, if you decide to place, THANK the adopting parents that are going to give your child a wonderful life. Appreciate them. Their lifetime commitment to your child is something that you should appreciate if you do not see this ֖ you are going to live a life of misdirected resentment.
If you lie about the Birthfather there are LIFETIME consequences for that choice. Sometimes it might be worth the lie (if your babys life would truly be in danger)Җ but you have to be clear there are ALWAYS consequences. If you lie, there is a parent out there that may never know they have a child. He might have been a good parent and wanted to parent. If you lie, there may be no way to get important family medical information that could mean life or death for your child. In addition, if you lie and the birthfather finds out after the baby is placed in the home of your choice, that baby could be ripped away from the family, because of your lie. What that would do to your baby and the adopting family is simply horrific. It might feel simpler, or easier for you to lie, but dont kid yourself Җ you are making a choice with significant consequences. When your child finds out that you lied about the birthfather, that choice could lose you a relationship with your adult child I have seen this happen.
Know that no one can take away the fact that you will always have one of the most significant roles in your child֒s life regardless if you ever see them after they are born. For nine months, you make choices that will have lifelong consequences for your child. If you decide to drink, smoke or take drugs during your pregnancy, you are abusing your child (as I said Im tired of sugar coating). Stop it. ItҒs not about you it֒s about the baby. Get help tell a doctor ֖ get help! You need to know in your heart that every choice you make for your child is made with the greatest of intentions and love. Then and only then, you can be proud of yourself and can give your baby the best start in life without guilt or regrets.
The Birthmom of my children is my hero. She is an amazing woman She went from being addicted to cocaine to becoming Vice Chancellor of a University. She is the greatest of grandma to our five grandchildren. When our children were old enough to decide, they decided to embrace her and she has been part of their very happy lives.
Our children are very successful and we couldnt be happier that they love everything about their life. They love both their moms. Their Birthmom let them grow up in a very stable home and she spent that time getting her act together, so that when her children were ready to embrace her, she would be the woman they could be proud of. She has clearly achieved that goal!
Whatever choices you make for your child Җ OWN your choice, take responsibility for it, and dont play victim. Become the person your child will be proud of and become the person you will be proud of.
If you do decide to place your baby, be sure that you are working with an organization that their only priority is to help you do what is in the best interest of your baby. If you work with a for-profit adoption organization, their first goal is to make money. Work with a licensed non-profit adoption agency only. Ask to see their non-profit status certification and their agency state license. Be certain that their counseling staff has the right education and the right licensures. You need to work with qualified people and organizations of integrity. This journey is so difficult and you need to have quality support.
I wish you and your baby the best-
With all of the hats that you have worn, have you worn the one called " First Mom, Birth Mom"?
Interesting indeed...
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This is the most damaging letter I have ever read to a mother considering placement of her child. It is coercive. It is dismissive. It uses nasty words when it comes to the decision of parenting. It plays into the whole "birth mother as a saint" myth.
Hopefully those who read that letter here will avoid any counseling you have to offer. What a shame that you are actively involved in the process of helping mothers decide what path to choose.
Furthermore, your whole "blaming men" theory is complete and utter bull. It takes two. Blame shouldn't be laid but taken by both except in cases of rape when, in fact, blame should be laid. So the whole "men can't get pregnant" isn't just an offensive argument to birth mothers but for women everywhere in all scenarios. Men should be held just as accountable. Furthermore, have you been raped? Do you know the statistics for rape? Do you know how few are reported out of fear? Fear of retaliation by their rapist? And simultaneous fear from judgmental people JUST LIKE YOU?
Whatever the true intent of your letter, you come off in the worst possible way. I pray for anyone who encounters your "counseling" as it is nothing of the sort.
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Wow, I don't know where to begin with this one. Some of what you say I agree with, but other things I find way off base (in my opinion) and quite shocking!
I am tired of women saying they were raped only to find out that it was a complete lie they didn֒t want people to judge them so they make up a story of being raped. Its all about not taking responsibility for their own actions. Out of 100 cases that Birthmoms told me that they had been raped, only two were actual rapes Җ the rest turned out to be verified lies.
I agree that one shouldn't cry "rape" if it did not happen. Perhaps if women/girls were not punished or stigmatized for having sex outside of marriage (you know, like guys are not punished or stigmatized for it), some of them would not resort to this tactic. I am all for personal responsibility, but often times, and espeically with younger pregnant women (I'm thinking teens here, and I'm guessing a good majority of these "women saying they were raped" were teenagers), they will say they were raped because of the very real fear that they will be labeled "whores," or worse, thrown out or severely punished for having sex. I used to counsel teens in crisis and they truly felt their parents would hit the roof when they found out they were pregnant, and often did hit the roof and worse. So I can see where they would try to protect themselves by saying they were raped. Also, a LOT of teenage sex is coercive. There are very blurred lines between what is actually consentual and what is pressured or more of a date-rape type of situation. And how can you prove they were not raped, anyway? Just because they didn't report it doesn't mean they weren't raped.
Adoption has to be one the hardest choices a Birthmom makes it֒s a choice that if we want to be real about it, will cause the Birthmom tremendous emotional suffering. They will suffer great loss. They lose being called Mom, they lose the baby showers, and the birthday parties and they very likely wont get to kiss their child good night. You do not get to make the decisions about the way your child is parented Җ it is not your right anymore you gave that right to someone else. It is painful, painful, and painful.
Here I agree with you.
And ladies ֖ open adoption where you have an active role with the child you placed may sound good to you but after 30 years in the adoption world, I will absolutely tell you that the women who had the hardest time moving forward in their lives were the women who had visitation with their placed children. It didn֒t matter what type of therapy they had, or not, or who counseled them, their lives were far more traumatic and frozen than those that chose to wait until their child made the decision to meet them adult to adult.
I would love to hear Bromanchik's take on this, as she has had a very successful open adoption, as well as the other birthomoms on this forum who have open adoptions. I don't get the impression that their lives have been far more traumatic. I realize there are challenges and difficulties, but overall I think they handle them well and the benefits outweigh the difficulties. I think, actually, the studies bear out that open adoptions that suddenly CLOSE are more traumatic, but for those in ongoing open adoption, there are many benefits to all members of the triad.
Please don֒t play the victim role it is the worst thing for you and your child. If you play victim then your child will feel guilty for having their life with their adopted parents. They will feel that they somehow ruined your life. Don֒t do that to your child. I have seen this have horrible consequences for adopted children. Own your decision, own your choice.
I totally agree about owning your decision and choice, ASSUMING IT WAS your choice in the first place. Many birthmoms were FORCED to relinquish, especially if they were under-age and their parents made that decision for them. Either way, though, I agree that they shouldn't put their emotional pain onto their children, but rather work it out in support groups, therapy, etc. But I don't think they should deny their pain or not feel they were victimized if they were, especially by corrupt agencies who preyed upon them and gave them mis-information. A birthmom needs to be honest about her feelings and if she feels as though she was victimized, she has every right to that feeling.
When you explore ALL your choices, then you will feel more confident with whatever choice you make. Then you can own your decision.
This makes sense.
In addition, whatever you do, DO NOT place the hearts of potential adopting parents in the midst of your indecision. It is extremely cruel to tell adopting parents that you are certain about your decision if you are not. Until you have done your own personal exploration don֒t get adopting parents involved.
You can be certain about adoption and then when you have your baby, you can feel totally differently. A woman does not know ahead of time how strongly she will bond after she has her child. If it is a first time pregnancy, there is NO WAY she will know the depth of her feeling until AFTER the baby is born. IF you would have asked me prior to giving birth, I would have told you that placing my child was going to be EASY PEASY, because I got counseling, and was well prepared, and did consider all options, etc. I was shocked after I had him at how much it hurt. No one could prepare me for this. I still decided to place, but I can fully understand and appreciate how an expectant mother can change her mind after the baby is born. Potential adoptive parents must understand this as well, and be prepared for this possibility OR make a decision to only consider situations where the child has already been relinquished.
To require that children have a relationship with their Birthparents is simply for the Birthparents. Until children are mature enough to decide what role they want their Birthparents to have in their life it does not benefit them. Birthparents may want it ֖ but if you think you are doing your child a favor I would completely disagree with you. Allow your child to have a stable childhood ֖ allow the people you chose to parent your child to be the parents.
Again, those in open adoptions can speak better on this, but I feel that it is very beneficial for a child to know his or her birthfamily and have a foundation with them and know his or her roots. It is an outdated myth that open adoption confuses children, and most birthparents are WELL AWARE that who they chose to parent are the parents. That doesn't mean they are not an important and valuable part of their child's life. I had semi-open as open was not available to me. I know my son has benefitted from knowing me through my letters and seeing my pictures. I cannot fathom that he would be worse off if he got to see me a few times a year and develop a relationship with me in real life.
The Birthmom of my children is my hero. She is an amazing woman She went from being addicted to cocaine to becoming Vice Chancellor of a University. She is the greatest of grandma to our five grandchildren. When our children were old enough to decide, they decided to embrace her and she has been part of their very happy lives.
Our children are very successful and we couldnt be happier that they love everything about their life. They love both their moms. Their Birthmom let them grow up in a very stable home and she spent that time getting her act together, so that when her children were ready to embrace her, she would be the woman they could be proud of. She has clearly achieved that goal!
I am glad this has worked out so well for all. And I am rather surprised that you can be so open minded and progressive in your attitudes from what is stated above, and yet some of your other ideas are the polar opposite! I'm still not sure what to make of your post, to be quite honest.
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