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Hi, I'm new here but was hoping someone will understand this and be able to help.
I've not long started to look for my birth mum, and I have not had much luck so far, it's a little disheartening really.
I have a strained relationship with my adoptive mum, I find it hard to relate to her, though I've been in adoptive parents care for about eleven years now. Surely we should be close?
We have talked briefly about my adoption before, but there have been many issues that she has not ben truthful about, like when I could start looking for my birth mum. That was quite painful when I found out it could've been quite a while ago.
Other little things, like snide comments about my birth family are quite hard to deal with, especially when you hear them so often. My amum often says your becoming like your birth mum as though its a bad thing, and that hurts incredibly.
She also used to say your other family isn't real, and I have a younger sister who is also adopted but seperately and she says this to her. Does anyone understand this whatsoever?
Does anyone else have anger feelings towards adoptive parents, and how do you deal with them, as i tend to find myself thinking things like oh it's just because you're adopted. For many years I blamed myself, everyone thought my aparents were perfect, but only close relatives know otherwise.
I find it hard to understand my emotions anyway, and have anger issues, like random outbursts of anger that are completely uncontrollable, and they build up and often come out at the most insignificant of things.
I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice. Thankyou.
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I am sorry you are hurting and obviously need to work through this. I really don't know what to say other than you have to find someone to talk to you unbiased, to tell you when you are right and more importantly when you are wrong. You have the responsibility to hear both answers. Denigrating your birth family is not acceptable but does your mom understand that? Have you tried in a soft voice to tell her that it hurts when she says that? I don't know how old you are but you have to take responsibility for your actions and reactions. If someone says something that hurts you, you need to find the best way to tell them that, without making them feel defensive which would defeat the purpose. As to not bonding with your mom after all these years I can't really say. I had a stronger bond with my dad but I feel that is because our personalities were similar. If you have nothing in common then the bond may not be as strong as when you have commonalities. But you do have a bond, otherwise it would not hurt you. Our genetic makeup plays a part in our personality, maybe you don't have the best personality match but it can get better if you work on it. Relationships are a two way street and open honest communication plus love and empathy work in most cases. As to not being truthful, it is wrong. If it was an age sensitive untruth then it was most likely done believing it would be better for you not to know at that point. You cannot change the past but you can learn and grow and change the future. I wish you the best in your quest for answers. I hope someone wiser and who has been through what you are going through can chime in. Kind regards,Dickons
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