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I have had a lot of ups and downs over the better part of a decade now. Finally, after almost 8 years went and surprised her with her first f2f with me. Things seemed ok, then she started getting freaky. Calling me at all hours so I could look and see what her hubby (who is stationed overseas) was doing and I kept telling her to relax, it was all good. She never wanted to know anything about me, share in anything other than her problems (hubby, money, can't see the boys she walked out on) and this went on an on. So one morning she calls me (I had told her I was broke and was going to be losing my communication phone/computer soon) demanding that I get on the internet to talk to her. I say ok, but by the time I get to the computer it is down. I tried to call her back, she does not answer (it's a cell number so she just did not want to answer) so I use my last call to call my sister and have her contact her and let her know the situation. I found out that the whole "crisis" was her hubby went on one of those military tours of the local area and they were late getting back so she was going through her normal drama. She has taken everything I thought was beautiful (the afghan I crotcheted for her birthday (shredded), the first f2f - I was an embarrasment and she had no idea how to politely get rid of me (she spent 95 bucks on lunch though) on and on and on....always cruel. I back away when she gets weird - the phone call then no respons while I spend two frantic weeks trying to reach her. And suddenly I am a fat stupid old whore that is an embarrasment. So, the question is, did I make the mistake in looking? Should I have waited (I don't believe she would have looked, she has said that at least once)? I left the door open but let her know the crazy stuff had to be over - that I couldn't deal with it. You don't destroy gifts made by hand and with love, even when you fight with someone. But she does. I think I am a fool. I should never have looked..... Who should be the searcher?:confused: :(
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I'm sorry you seem to have gotten the worst reunion ever. Sometimes you just have to give up and go on, one foot at a time...that's what I am trying to do. I don't think there is a right or wrong member of the triad to search, but it is always wraught with potential pitfalls and devastation. Take care,Dickons
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I don't think it matters who searches. I say this respectfully, as she's your daughter, but she seems to have issues that have nothing to do with adoption, and I doubt it would have made any difference who searched, or when it happened. I am just sorry you have found pain, and I hope your daughter gets the help it sounds like she needs.
I don't think it matter who does the searching. Probably the person who is the most curious, the most in need of finding is the one who ultimately does the searching. My birth mother would never have searched...she told me this herself. Wanted me to find her so as not to disrupt my life. But I as I have said before we have to be careful what we wish for. My experience has shown me most reunions are not like you see on tv and sometimes don't last...mine did not. I am sorry for your pain and hope you can find a way to resolve how you are feeling. Good luck.
I agree with the others;it doesn't matter who searches. I didn't for many years, because while I was definitely open to having him in my life, I felt it was his choice. (He felt that if I cared about him, I would search.) When we did finally connect (I found him as soon as i registered here because he was already registered.) it was a good time for both of us. Both of us have worked through many of the "issues" surrounding adoption. Three years later, we are doing well. My family and I have become a part of his extended family.Silver, I hope your daughter gets some help. It does sound like counseling could help her develop better coping skills.
I agree with it not mattering who seaches. Unfortunately, the searcher is sometimes not prepared emotionally for what they find.
It does sound like your daughter has alot of problems that are not your fault but she seems to think you should be responsible for it all. She is an adult and until she can take responsiblity and own all her problems and drama, all her relationships are going to be like this. She obvious has trust issues from her marriage drama.
I'm sorry she is like this and the reunion has been less than pleasant. Hopefully, she will get her act together and grow up.
Hang in there!!:grouphug:
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Sometimes I wonder if the "searcher" is less important that the time of search, you know? It seems like it might be a situation where both parties have been wanting to reunite or perhaps one wants to and the other doesn't at that time, etc. So hard to know!! I know for DH he put his info into the adoption agency when he graduated from college and apprarently his birth mom never did. He sort of "tracked her down" 20 years later and I am not sure she was ready for it, though they don't have the serious "issues" you seem to be having. Don't kick yourself, you had every right to search and contact DD....hopefully, things will improve with time. I am sure it is super hard. Hang in there!!
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Silver, I am sorry that your reunion with your daughter has turned sour.
I agree with others on both counts, it doesn't matter who searches and I think your daughter has a lot of issues that she needs to deal with before you could possibly have any decent relationship with her.
You do not and should not put up with her bad treatment of you - no one deserves to be treated that way and it sounds like she is taking advantage as she knows you want to have a relationship.
As hard as it will be, you may need to just walk away at this point, tell her you'd love to have contact with her but not until she gets her life together and can act like an adult and treat you with respect.
Hugs and well wishes
Mary
bmom[/FONT]
snow princess
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]your daughter has a lot of issues that she needs to deal with before you could possibly have any decent relationship with her. As hard as it will be, you may need to just walk away at this point, tell her you'd love to have contact with her but not until she gets her life together and can act like an adult and treat you with respect.[/FONT]
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What a very sad ending to your search. It's hard to believe that there are people out there who can be so mean.
I think you did the right thing searching for her though. At least you know she is alive and who she is. Maybe she will eventually come around. Even if not, you followed your heart and that is never the wrong thing to do, even when it leads you to being hurt.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's so important for people who are searching, like me, to try to be prepared for anything and not have high expectations.
I hope you find some peace.
Hi Silver,
First let me say how sorry I am to hear that your reunion has taken this turn. I remember your story and was hopeful, after your face to face turned out so well.
I can tell you what helps me when my reunion has brought me pain and that is talking with others in the adoption community. Helping others go through their situations, can bring you a sense of peace and purpose.
Stay here and talk Silver.
I can tell you as an adoptee who struggles with her bmom, through all my pain there is love for her. It is always there and will always be there.
I would bet it is also inside your daughter for you.
Take care Silver and stay with us. The people here understand and care.
Kim
Kim, My daughter destroyed the afghan I made for her 28th birthday and told me that our f2f was a farce. That she wanted me to leave and that I was a fat ugly embarrasment to her. I don't think there is any love for me in her. I think she meant it when she said that I was a curse and if I died it would be a blessing to her.
SilverWitch
Kim,
My daughter destroyed the afghan I made for her 28th birthday and told me that our f2f was a farce. That she wanted me to leave and that I was a fat ugly embarrassment to her. I don't think there is any love for me in her. I think she meant it when she said that I was a curse and if I died it would be a blessing to her.
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That she wanted me to leave and that I was a fat ugly embarrasment to her. I don't think there is any love for me in her. I think she meant it when she said that I was a curse and if I died it would be a blessing to her.