I'm so confused and stressed out-Sorry, long!

I wish I'd seen THIS site right away because I posted on the regular adoption forum and a lot of people had no idea where I was coming from and not a lot of understanding and/or compassion. My story: I'm the mother of five children, one who is biological, one adopted from Hong Kong at age six, one adopted from Korea as an infant, one adopted from foster care at two (he is on the high functioning autism spectrum and is AA and we are white) and the youngest, my sunshine, who is 12 and bi-racial and we originally set it up as an open adoption. Her birthmother closed it. Now I'm trying to open it again. I am doing all the work. I am going through the emotional hell of ups and downs and fears and doubts, and I feel like I may have made one big mistake and I just am at the end of my rope. Emotionally, I am falling apart. Birthmother picked us and we knew her for two months and were close to her and her biological son, who was three at the time. She kept him, but her own mother was a total racist against blacks and didn't want her to keep our daughter, knowing his birthfather was AA. In fact, it was her mother who contacted us and she couldn't wait to practically give this child away before she was even born. Birthmother was a mess. She was 21 and already had a child from another man of a more desirable race to her mother and her mother was helping her raise him (she swore she'd never help her with daughter). On top of that, birthfather had landed in jail for armed robbery, related to his drug addiction. I know this sounds strange, but he's NOT a bad person at all. He is sick--an addict. When he isn't using, he is nothing like when he is, but he was then and still is an addict. The birthmother had broken up with him and was going out with another man, also African-American, and she wanted an open adoption. I'd always felt that this was healthy for the kids, so hub and I readily agreed--we loved birthmother and birthfather too (we got to know them both). We did not, and still don't, care for or have good memories about racist grandma. She pushed her daughter to relinquish the baby. Even though we promised that we'd help her even if she didn't relinquish the child to us, in the end, she did. In the hospital nobody even came to visit birthmother, except us, and we got to watch N's birth. To this day I am not feeling warm and fuzzy about birth grandma, but times have changed. I became an internet detective (truly!) and found out that B. has an excellent job working for her mother. I found her Facebook too and birthmother has four friends--two are her sister and her mother. Her father is not in the picture and racist grandma is on her third or fourth husband. In spite of grandma's issues, she provided B. with a good education, a nice home, and all that stuff. She is a very controlling person from what I remember. Time marched on and B. saw N. at times. She was always accompanied by her awesome fiance and asked if N. could be in their wedding as the flower girl. Of course we said yes. Then she stopped calling. N. would ask about being a flowergirl in Mama B's wedding. B. called to tell us they had broken up because birthfather had been released from prison and she was wildly attracted to him (he is a gorgeous man) and she went back to him. They both came up to visit her together and N. just clung to them both, aware of who they were although she was only two. Then it all fell apart. B. figured out that birthfather is not a suitable partner and tried to go back to her ex-fiance and the wedding was "on" again. She promised N. she could be the flowergirl. Meanwhile birthfather promised her a huge birthday party with his entire family and she got all excited about that. But birthmother stopped calling and birthfather never honored his promise, then got thrown back in jail. N. was disappointed by both (she was a very precocious two year old and she knew what she'd been promised). I kept trying to call birthmother, but could never get her. One day I finally day: A strange man answered the phone. Sounded like there were kids in the background. He gave the phone to birthmother who was very flippant about not letting us know that she had broken up with her fiance and that the wedding was off and that she hadn't told us so that we could tell Nicole. She didn't sound comfortable. After that we could never contact her again. Her phone number was changed. We never heard from her again. Meanwhile birthfather was so unstable we decided that he couldn't be a positive force in her life while she was so young. The adoption became closed, but WE didn't close it--at least not with birthmother. FF ten years. Daughter and I are very close. She confided in me that there is a hole in her heart because of birthmother. She wants to know why she was "given away" (yes, we told her the truth, but that didn't satisfy her), who she looks like, wants to know if birthmother ever thinks or her or tries to search for her. She argued with me over the "wait until you're 18." She said that was wasting time. She is a very level-headed young lady and I promised her she'd see her birthmother again. I figured I could find her and they could start with letters and we could open the adoption slowly. As for birthfather, he's in prison again, but if she wants to write a short letter and he wants to write to a PO Box that would be ok, although she wasn't as interested in him. I did think she may want to know his mother and sister who are not in legal trouble and never have been. I contacted them first. They were all excited and gung ho and even e-mailed with N. until I told them that N. was a little "iffy" about birthfather due to his issues. I got a scathing letter back about how if he wasn't included in the reunion they weren't interested and, although I reached out again, I never heard from them again. N. wasn't that upset about it. That isn't her main interest. I just thought it would be nice. It is her AA side, and culturally it would have been nice, plus she needs to know that her birthfather has good people in his family. But it wasn't meant to be. They imo aren't thinking of N. first, but of HIM first. Ok, onto birthmother, the REAL heartache. I found her. She had married her son's birthfather and never had any other children (amazing what you can find out on the internet). She works for her racist mother. I decided to contact her through a third party to make it less threatening. Maybe that was a dumb thing to do. She got her husband who said she wasn't home. Then he said, "Oh, she just walked in the door." The timing couldn't have been worse. She had probably just come in from work. Anyway, he mentioined my name (he KNOWS that she has a daughter that she relinquished, but he probably forgot my name). She would not come to the phone. I got an e-mail the next day from HER friend. "B. knows how to find you." And that is that. Except that my daughter keeps asking. We got into Adoption Therapy. I made a series of mistakes here, or possible mistakes and I live and breathe these mistakes. I think about them all the time and want to just give up. Here they go: Therapist encouraged me to tell my daughter everything I'd find out. Actually, my relationship with N. is based on total trust. I never lie to her, even about disturbing things. I was encouraged to tell her that I contacted b-mom and that she, for whatever reason, wasn't ready to come to the phone, and I told her. She acted fine in the therapists office bringing up reasons why that would be. I found out later, finding a private letter she'd written to birthmother but never meant to send, that she was devestated by this news and I'm mad at both the therapist and myself for having told her. Then I made the biggest mistake of all. I copied this short letter and sent it by e-mail to birthmother without my daughter's permission. It is the first time I ever did a nything behind her back. Yeah, I hoped it would elicit a response, but I had no business doing that and it didn't elicit any response so far. On top of that, now she knows that I told her that she wouldn't come to the phone. Real smart of me! That could scare her into thinking N. is very angry at her (and she is!). But I can't believe what I did in the flurry of emotions. I feel like I'm the adoptee and that I blew it and that I just want to disappear. This is so hard. I wanted to do the search so that my daughter wouldn't have to (and, trust me, searching his a full time job emotionally). And I wanted her to live her teen years knowing her birthparents rather than fantacizing and I feel like I just made everything worse. WEll, that's the story up until now, but here's a little more of a background: Son from Hong Kong lived in an orphanage until he was six. He was a stellar child and brilliant. We loved him and still do as if we'd given birth to him, but his identity crisis issues overcame him. He is now 31 and married to a Chinese woman. He has been to China at least five times (he is a millionaire already). He taught himself Mandarin. He wants NOTHING to do with us, won't even acknowledge voicemails when his grandfather was sick. He obviously has disowned us. We don't know why because he won't tell us. He is as much as gone. It has been about three years and he is more distant, not closer. I doubt he ever felt like one of us and it is so hurtful. I don't want my daughter to have the same identity issues as him. Anyone understand the grief of the search for the adoptive mom? Any advice? Words of wisdom on how to make my mistakes better, how to rectify them? Any words at all? I am so tired. Thanks for reading this. I know it was horribly long. Please--I don't want to hear anything scathing from adoptees. Thanks again.