Advertisements
My DS found me 15 months ago and called me. We talked sooo much. We talked on the phone about 3 times a week for several weeks (and we talked for hours each time) and also emailed. Then the calls became twice a week, and the emails from him stopped; then the calls became once a week (which was still great); and now it's every few weeks.
When I called him previously he would answer right away, or if not possible would call me back as soon as he could, but one of the last calls I made, he didn't call back for three days. The conversations seem to go fine. I have asked him before if I had done anything to upset him and he says everything is fine.
We have been together several times at my parents' house (a short drive from his home). I am going to visit my parents again soon and asked if he was planning to go over as he has done before and he was very non-committal (which makes me believe that there is something wrong as usually he immediately says yes).
I know that this may seem like nothing to worry about--it's not so much the frequency, as it is the change in freqency and consistency of contact; it's as though he's gradually pulling away. (DD says that maybe he feels smothered--but he was calling as much as I.) I don't want to make him feel obliged to talk to me. I don't know whether to keep calling or back off and wait--but then I worry that he may feel like I don't care about talking to him. I feel like I'm losing the closeness I had with him and I don't know why and it hurts.
Like
Share
Hi Mockingbird,
Since I am an adoptee ( in reunion 18 months ) I will offer some thoughts and a little advice. My reunion sounds like yours....frequent contact that has tappered off.
I have also pulled back a little from my bio-mom, but I am sure my reasons are different from your sons. I was hurting because of some stuff with my bio-mom. I needed the space to stop the hurting.
I do think your son is pulling back, but why he is doing it, I don't know.
I can tell you, I do have specific reasons for creating distance, but they are specific to my story.
Also, I do have advice about this:
I would not back off. That signals your ability to leave is still there. I would stay with him, with short notes through email, letting his know you are there. Just hang with him. He is pulling back to protect himself in some way, but why I can't say. I don't know your story
Dont leave him though, as that reinforces the "she's left before...she can do it again" thinking
I can tell you that even though I have had to put a little distance between myself and my bio-mom, I do still love her and always will.
I hope I helped, even in a small way
Kim
Mockingbird
I don't know whether to keep calling or back off and wait--but then I worry that he may feel like I don't care about talking to him.
Advertisements
austin0i, thank you for responding.
It's great to get feedback from someone on the other side of the equation. Since I am so thrilled to have my son in my life, I forget that he may be dealing with feelings regarding his adoption which may not be all good. I'm not sure why he pulled away, and he may not even actually realize that he has done it or why. I will always be available for my son just as much as with my daughters. I couldn't ever leave him again. I feel nothing but joy when I see him or hear his voice. I can be having a lousy day and a minute later sitting with a stupid grin on my face just because he called (and it lasts the rest of the day)!
Kim, thanks again for your insight.
Hi Mockingbird,
I have been in contact with my biofamily for close to three years. We used to be in touch constantly. It was a thrill to talk to them and I would shuffle things around to make time for them. Now, we talk about once a month. I think this is normal. I read a book about reunions and it mad a great point. They liken the feelings of reuniting like a love affair. It's like when you first date someone. You want to know everything about them and spend every minute with them. As we all know that fades at some point and then the communication is less frequent. I try to keep that in mind. All parties have their own lives. I know that doesn't make it any easier. I has times of wondering "why is she pulling away?" I think the main thing is to always be available and let the other know it's alright to take a breather. Make it clear you respect their needs and you love them and aren't going anywhere. When they are ready you are a phone call or e-mail away. Hang in there!
reinsma, thanks for your response. Logically I know that this is what to expect. I'm pretty close to family--I talk to my parents at least twice a week, my DD usually calls several times a week (sometimes just for a minute). I don't want to push it, but on the other hand I feel like I've missed out on so much time with him that I really want to know how he's doing, what he's doing, and anything he is interested in talking about is a thrill for me because I am getting to know him better.
Hi, I am new this this website as I am having problems with the same thing. As I read your story, it sounds exactly like mine. The reunion with my son has only been 8 weeks of which the first 6 were awesome. Then I am not sure what happened as the phone calls went to the voice mail,the text messages left unanswered and the chat room discussions stopped. It is so hard for me to understand what happened. My son is also going through a divorce and I now feel that his finding me was simply a diversion from that problem. Others have helped me understand that I need to give him space @ this time. It is sad to say, but I had to delete his number off my cell so that I am not tempted to send the daily messages. My heart is breaking all over again but I do not blame him as I can not image his emotions either. My hope is to find others to talk to during this time.
Advertisements
My sweet son found me in December, 2007. After a whirlwind 10 months, he completely pulled back. He actively tried to make my life miserable. We did not speak for 4 months, but we have now rebuilt our relationship and it is stronger than ever. At one time I thought we would never have a relationship but now I realize he was scared, and he had alot of his own issues to deal with as much as I had mine. Our reunion was very typical but when you are going through it, you feel as a birthmother that you have done something wrong, that your child doesn't really love you, and all your unresolved issues from the adoption are brought to the surface. I gave him his space and amazingly enough he called me, told me how much he missed me, and we have been in a new phase of our reunion ever since. This time, things do not feel so desperate, they are as close to normal as they can get, and we are now a part of each other's lives. All I can say is from my experience, the pull back phase is normal but super difficult. My heart has broken a million times during our reunion but one thing I learned is to be open and honest with him about everything and somehow it all works out.
Hi LasVegasMom,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is so good to know that others have similiar experiences. I am trying to give time and space. I know what I want from our relationship but I need to let my son figure out what he wants. When we first met, he told me that it felt so nature and a hole was filled. He felt the connection between us and it is so hard to not understand why it may have changed. Mother's Day was difficult for me as I just wanted to have my son with me however he spented the day with his adopted family. These are issues that I need to work through also. I have also asked him to be open and honest and I think at this point it is difficult as I think he is maybe afraid of hurting my feelings. Patience is something that I am learning.
I received a letter from my birthdaughter in March 09. The adoption agency called and wanted my permission to release my personnal information, I was so excited that after 28 years she wanted to meet me....After several email and phone conversations I met her and her husband for a wonderful dinner {or so I thought}... Later in the evening {with her blessing} I introduced her to my Mother and Sisters...well I would like to say that we have been burning up the phone lines and emailing to our hearts content, but that is not the case at all.. I have emailed her on several occasions and though she answers {one time it took 2 weeks for her to get back to me} I feel her pulling away and it is very hurtful......I hope that one day we can have a friendship :grr: that is easy and relaxed instead of the pins and needles that I sit on now....