first meeting

Still hoping someone might chime in with experiences on this!

Unfortunately, you have to be prepared for almost anything. You may find a very serious little girl who is trying to be "good". Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for orphanage staff to convey the impression, purposely or unintentionally, that if her new parents think she is naughty, she will be sent back to the orphanage. In such a case, the super-compliant demeanor will last for a while, and then, often, it will be replaced by a testing period, during which the child tries a variety of bad behaviors to see if you truly will love her unconditionally and forever. You may find a child who is so terrified and grief-stricken that she cries incessantly, shows fear of you or your spouse (most children bond to only one new parent at a time), is terrified by things you take for granted (flush toilets, crowds on the street, a talking doll), has sleep disturbances, and so on. It will take time until you figure out whether these are the normal fears of any child in a strange new situation, or whether her fears relate to things that may have happened in her birth family or in care, such as physical or sexual abuse. When some children are scared and grieving, they cry. However, other children become SO EXCEPTIONALLY SCARED and GRIEF-STRICKEN that they shut down emotionally, and become like little robots. There are just too many new stimuli, and too many raw emotions, and the child becomes unable to process them and goes into a defensive state that can be almost catatonic. It is easy to mistake this shutdown for mental retardation or autism, so don't jump to conclusions. The emotional shutdown will usually begin to lift at around day 3, but your child may continue to have many times when she withdraws into herself and "shuts out the world". Some children MAY show hostility and anger, which is natural, especially if they are losing people to whom they are attached. They may try to run out of the hotel room to go back to their orphanage nannies or foster parents. They may throw things around or break things. They may act defiant, or tell you they hate you. Please don't react with harsh discipline. These kids are blustering about because they are scared and sad. If you must discipline for their safety, try to speak quietly, look them in the eye, redirect where possible -- and show them love as much as you can. Reward them for positive behaviors. You MAY get a child who has been told by other children that it's good to have parents because they buy you things. Even at 4, a child who has never had a lot of possessions can understand that statement. So you may find that your child wants absolutely everything in the store, when YOU are in there to buy her some socks and underwear, or to buy some food or whatever. Part of it is a response to previous poverty, but part of it is simply the fact that she may not be sure she loves YOU yet, so she tries to make the best of the situation. Some children may actually fail to understand how "buying" works, and may simply start grabbing things and stuffing them in their clothes. They are not precocious thieves; they simply don't know social norms. You have to understand that if a child hasn't had much, and if a child has been in a care situation where some children were rather aggressive, grabbing and hoarding behaviors are to be expected. Even when you get home, you may find stashes of food growing stale and attracting ants under the bed, because your child doesn't feel confident that she will have food later if she doesn't grab and hoard. And depending on the quality of the orphanage, the child may not behave in LOTS of ways that we take for granted. Table manners may be atrocious, as kids rush to finish food before another child takes it. Kids may push and shove to be sure that they get their share, or even bully other children to be sure that they will have a nice sweater or a piece of cake. Neatness in the bathroom may not have been expected, and you may well find toilet paper everywhere, urine on the seat, and an overflowing sink, especially if the child hasn't had a lot of access to toilet paper and soap bubbles and needs to play a bit. Toothbrushing will need lots of supervision for a while. Regression is very common in newly adopted children. EXPECT toileting accidents, and consider bringing pullups if you have access to them. Let the child know that it's OK. Expect behaviors that might be more suitable for a younger child. If you know the child's language, expect that she may revert to toddler talk. They say that children in institutions often need to go through stages of development that they missed, and it seems to be true. Thus, you may find that your child wants to crawl, because crawling may not have been allowed ("floors are DIRTY"). If she is not too scared, she may want to be carried everywhere, and that's actually a GOOD thing, even if your back protests. Expect negative reactions to things like the visa medical exam. In some countries, orphanage children have been forced to have teeth extracted or abscesses drained or minor surgery performed without Novocain or laughing gas to ease the pain. Their expectation of medical care may be that it will be painful and that they will be threatened with punishment or held down if they cry. Expect digestive upset. The combination of new food, a little too much food, stress, and maybe a pre-existing parasite can easily bring on a case of diarrhea or vomiting. And expect other physical manifestations of emotional pain, from headaches to fatigue. Expect sleep disturbances. Your child may have difficulty going to sleep in a strange new place, and may have racing thoughts that do not let her relax. When she falls asleep, she may have night terrors or nightmares, and may awaken at strange hours. She may or may not be accustomed to sleeping in a bed alone, and you will have to figure out whether or not to try co-sleeping. But it's not all going to be negative. If your child is like many girls, she will be all excited if you buy her a dress and pretty shoes, and may squeal with delight, because she may never have had such a thing. She may react with a little smile to having someone read her a story at bedtime, or to playing with bath toys in the tub, even if she isn't too certain that she likes the whole adoption thing. She may discover, with glee, that your TV has some familiar cartoon characters, and start singing along with them. Some 4 year olds in orphanages have to take a lot of responsibility for caring for themselves and their surroundings. Don't be surprised if your child tries to make her bed, or folds her clothes neatly after taking them off. Encourage her and praise her, without pressuring her. Remember that, all too soon, she'll be just like the average kid, who hates to clean her room. And some children, despite all that they've been through in their young lives, are still going to fall in love with you quickly. While you shouldn't expect it -- they HAVE been through a lot -- consider yourself VERY blessed if your child wants hugs and kisses, says "Mommy" and "Daddy" frequently, just to hear the words, and so on. There are some kids who wind up "fitting into" a family easily, and who make a remarkable adjustment. Sharon

It's going to be huge that you don't have the language barrier, however, it will also slow down her learning of English. I don't know if you can get books from someplace like Amazon where you are, but there are some good adoption books. Other things kids sometimes beleive when they are adopted (all these from either my kids, or kids I know personally) they may believe that you are thier birth parents, you left them and came back for them. They may beleive that once they are adopted they never have to do anything again, they will be waited on hand and foot and have anything they want handed to them on a silver platter. They often beleive you will send them back if they misbehave and may want to get that over with (the I'm going to break up with you before you can break up with me syndrome). They may worry about whether or not you will beat them. One thing that helps is explaining that the Judge granted the adoption and that means you are mom and dad forever and ever. That has helped my kids beleive it's real. IF you can get books, you can read them and translate them. Or read them in both languages. Good luck!

A couple more things: Expect some behaviors that may be associated with attachment disorder, such as: failure to make eye contact, failure to respond normally to hugs, failure to go to you for comfort or help if hurt, under- or over-reaction to stimuli such as loud noises, failure to distinguish between you and strangers in terms of giving affection, outrageous lies (the stuffed dog wrote on the wall), manipulative behaviors, etc. Only time will tell if these behaviors will go away on their own as the child settles in. Many of these behaviors WILL go away, without professional help, as the child comes to feel affection for you and learns what appropriate behavior in a family is supposed to be. There are many things you can do to encourage the development of normal attachment -- carrying or rocking the child, playing mirror games and other games that promote eye contact, minimizing the presence of other people for a while (especially in a caregiving role), and so on. Consult books and websites for techniques that may be applicable to your situation. But, of course, some children do not overcome attachment issues without professional help. Begin looking for resources that you can use when you get to Canada, or even in your current country of residence. Remember that there is almost always a testing period, too. Before trusting you totally, they want to be absolutely certain that you will love them forever, no matter what. So they may try out some bad behaviors, simply to get your reaction; will you hit them, or return them to the orphanage, or what? You will need to practice setting boundaries, while making it clear that your love for the child is unconditional. And remember that, no matter how good it is, an orphanage is no substitute for a family. Your child probably has no memory about what life in a family is like; she may also have negative memories, if neglect, abuse, or other issues were present in her birth family. Your job will be to teach her how to live in a family, in terms of sharing, caring, following rules, and so on. Sharon

Thanks for these replies, which are helpful and interesting. I do have access to some books, which I am reading, and finding very useful in preparing for "almost anything." Still, what I'm particularly interested in (and that does not appear in any of my books) is people's experiences with/ideas about that VERY FIRST meeting--i.e. the day that we go to the Centre/orphanage and we are introduced to our daughter...that's what I'm having so much trouble imagining and preparing for! Thanks!

Wow, thanks to the previous posters for their superb summary of what to expect! We haven't met our 4-yr-old daughter yet, either. We've talked with our social worker and gotten a few ideas. One thing they remind us about is that the orphanage has its own way to handle this and we may not have much say in how the first meeting is arranged. That said, our social worker recommended taking a small, fun, shared activity--like blowing bubbles--so that you have something to do together. She sometimes takes stickers and puts them on her face, so the child will look at her (contact without the stress-the child knows what to look at). If you have sent pictures or a book, a copy of those same pictures and/or book might also be a good focus point. Sort of a way of saying "hey, I am/we are the parent(s):airplane: you've heard about." Please bear in mind that we haven't had a chance to try these out, but they sound like good ways to reduce the stress and make the first meeting fun. Best wishes!

We came home November 08 with our 3 1/2 yr old. When we came to her orphanage, they pointed to us and she RAN and gave us a big hug. Looking back it was more of an obligatory type of hug less of an I'm so excited you are here to get me :) But she has done spectacular.....so much so we are starting another one ;)

We are going to meet our 3.5 year old daughter in two weeks and am very nervous. It is a two trip process so we will only meet her and spend a few days together. Can you tell me about any issues that concerned you while you were there that worked themselves out,etc. Thanks

For us after a few days at the orphanage she realized she was the center of our attention and she backed WAY OFF. The workers there said that was pretty normal that kids realize the children who are the center of peoples attention leave. And after being in the orphanage all of her life she had no real idea what that meant. She wouldn't eat for us at the orphanage and would the last day there day 4 we spent most of the day looking for her :)But the afternoon we left she was nervous we could tell but she never cried! She held on to us being the only thing she even semi knew outside of the orphanage. She nervously sat on the bed for the first time and just stared at us for a bit. We slowly introduced her to things we had brought for her. We left her first home on Saturday and on Sunday had to fly to a different city and file for her visa. She did GREAT! So in the matter of a few days she slept in 3 beds with us and 2 plane trips one being the 15 hours home.Maybe her story is different but we have seen no major issue in the 4.5 months she has been home. Maybe they are coming???? The only issue is sleeping sometimes but that is always taken care of by letting her sleep with us. She did that the first few weeks home. AND I am HUGE supporter of the Ergo Baby Carrier!!!!! I carried her for DAYS in that thing!!! While she wasn't a fan of it in India.....she has requested to be in it at home on more then one occasion!

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