Advertisements
I've posted about this on the forums a few times before, but this time it is different. I've been in reunion for about 8 years now, and everything started off great. Over the years, my bsister, now 16, got angrier and angrier with me, and would verbally abuse me and basically treat me like crap because she was jealous of my relationship with her father( my birthfather). Because of her dislike towards me, even my birthfathers parents have decided that I am disrupting their family, stating that the adoption should have been closed because it is not fair to my bsister or to the rest of the family that I am in their lives. My bfather tells me to ignore them, that I'm being too sensitive , etc. he tells me that it would devastate him if I cut off contact. He always, however, makes me feel like crap, because he tells me about what the rest of the family feels and thinks, and has enabled my bsister for years by spoiling her and letting her do whatever she wanted,act however she wanted. I am angry at him for this.
I have tried to end the reunion (it was so painful for me to know that, as I always suspected, I was not wanted)
I've enrolled in some therapy, talked it over with family and friends, and sort of ceased contact about a month ago. Lo and behold, bfather doesn't get it. He continues to call me, asking If I'm still upset. So finally, last night, I decided to call my birthsister directly, and confront her. I told her that I was her sister, like it or not, and that I have wanted a relationship with them for my whole life, and that it was important to me. I confronted her about all the times she hung up on me, sent me rude text messages, made me cry, and hurt my feelings. She was quiet. I asked her what she wanted, and here was her reply.
"I hate our mother. I hate Mandy ( our half sister who is in her mid twenties, and who was raised by our mother) They have both hurt me, and now there is a wall there. I do not hate you, because you have never really done anything to me, but I do not want a relationship. I do not want to be hurt. My family is a little circle, and I like that little circle. You are not in this circle, you do not belong. I don't want to fight with you, or hate you, but I do not want to be your sister. I do not have the words for you. This is the best way I can explain it. I am not interested in you.You're not in the circle. "
She said this plainly, with almost no feeling. Certainly no malice.Of course, I am hurt. Very, very hurt and upset. I feel rejected.Though it is nice, I suppose , to know that I had never in fact, done anything to her, it hurts me to know that I was ****ed before I even sought then out. I feel as if, finally, someone came out and said it." You were given up for adoption. You are no longer in our family circle. Please leave us alone, you complicate our lives"
I do not know what this means for me and my birthfather. He is, essentially, the only one who wants a relationship. My bmom is absent, and is not in the picture at this time, due to her own demons. I don't...know how to proceed. My best friend for over 10 years told me last night, " you're done Amanda. She is missing out. You do not deserve this, you are such a wonderful person. You are sensitive , you care about other people. You do not deserve this. SHE is going to miss out on a relationship with one of the best people I know. be done with this, you have everything you need in your life.These people cannot fully accept or appreciate you. You do not need them. Stop accepting the hurt as inevitable. "
What do... I do? I have to respect my bsisters wishes, even though it hurts me. I want to just get out of this whole thing.I cant take another rejection.
Like
Share
Hi Amanda,
First, always remember the rejection is NOT about you. Your bsister said it herself. There are demons in her family that have nothing to do with you.
I would keep in mind she is still 16 years old and that is very young. She lacks the maturity to really deal with this situation properly.
I would suggest keeping a relationship with your bdad and separate yourself from bsis. When she grows up a little, she will change and you may have an opportunity for a relationship.
Even if a relationship never happens, for your own sake, do what is right and hold yourself above the petty behavior. You will always have respect for yourself and will have peace with your actions and choices.
Hang in there. Their behavior is ALL about who THEY are as people and nothing to do with you. You are not being rejected. It is about THEM
Kim
Advertisements
I think I suggested this in previous posts, but I would try to maintain a connection with your birthfather that is separate from all the other family drama. Your birthsister is 16 and not yet mature enough to deal with all this, but she was honest for where she is right now. In time, she may mature to include you in the family circle. From what she says, she's been hurt by other family members, and I imagine is afraid if she opens up to you, she will be hurt in some way. Maybe that is why she clings so much to her dad and doesn't want to share him with you. Also, she's a teen and teens are generally full of drama.
Your bdad obviously wants a connection as he continues to contact you. The question is, do you want a connection with him? I think from what I recall, he didn't want one separate from the rest of the family, but the rest of the family doesn't accept you. So you tell him it has to be on your terms, one-to-one with him, unless and until the rest of the family can come together on this.
I am sorry you are going through this. You can not change your bsisters view on the world only she can. You can however continue a relationship with your bfather. But I would do it with a new set of rules. One that your relationship is between you two and no one else. Let him know you no longer want the negative attitudes or the rejection being thrown in your face. What is said between the two of you stays between the two you. And until your bsister can accept you - you don't want to hear about her, her life or her opinions regarding your relationship with the family. I wish you the best I am very sorry she has chosen to act like a spoiled brat.
Sorry I hit the wrong buttom before I was done that is why it shows an edit.
Hi, I remember your other posts about your sister.
I agree with what has already been said, keep the relationship with your father but make sure he knows how you feel and keep it between the 2 of you, no one else. You have done absolutely everything you can do concerning this sister and now, and I know it's so hard, but go forward with a new attitude, even though they are family it doesn't mean we are going to have a wonderful relationship with all of them, if someone is just hateful for whatever reason, you have to let her go, for your sake.
Honestly, I think you and your dad need to concentrate on your relationship and forget everyone else, for right now, it's just too much.
I have a few 1/2 siblings who I'm not in contact with, they were, I'm told by the others, jealous that I came in to the picture and when we were briefly in contact they would say the most awful things, without any kind of emotion, so I let them go and feel so much better for it, at one time every single day was consumed with why don't they like me, what have I said wrong...on and on... and you know what, I never said anything wrong.
I sent myself 1/2 crazy over them though but am now at the point where I don't want contact with them, it's just not healthy.
Concentrate on your dad, open up to him and I truly hope he gets what's going on, I really feel for you, it's just not right you are going through all this.