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although i have never been officially diagnosed with PTSD after relinquishing.... i've been pretty sure that all my symptoms fit....
and once i realized this... i was able to start dealing with it... and get the symptoms under control.... and when i would start freaking out, i could easily talk myself down...
life is good, right?
well, we have just gotten news that one of our daughters if facing a very very potentially life threatening illness....
i am staring in the face, the reality of losing one of my daughters.... one of my precious, amazing babies that i have poured my heart and soul into....
and i have had a complete meltdown... i can't breath....
i can't stop crying... i can't be there for my family.... i can't function....
i don't even swear, but i feel like screaming obscenities... and just screaming my bloody lungs out...
and i feel like destroying everything in my way...
and all that keeps haunting me is the loss of that first daughter... and all the details of it... and all pain of it... and all the shattering of it... both times.
I KNOW WHAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF LOSING A CHILD.... I KNOW THIS PAIN.... I CAN'T DO IT AGAIN.
and i don't know if i could survive losing another daughter....
i just don't know if i can make it through...
and i am soooo angry.. how can this be happening now? i am just working thru to some closure on my first loss.... and this??? i am so angry....
my husband made me go to the ER last night... and they gave me a shot... which didn't really help... but it did put me to sleep. and they are making me go to the doctor this morning to get some other medication....
and at least two or three times.... i have had to ask God... what have i done to deserve this?? i lost the first daughter.... buried two baby boys.... and now this???? isn't this a little more than my fair share of grief??
and please.... if you believe that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, that is fine for you.... but i don't find any comfort in that at all....
i just don't know if i can survive it again....
and if my relinquished daughter who lurks around here and reads my posts gets to this one, could you muster up the teeniest tiniest bit of respect or pity for me... and NOT pass my painful news on to my sister and relatives who do not deserve to know squat about my life.
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Dear Julie,
Hey there. Wow! I'm not sure what to say about this, except that I can't even begin to imagine how frightened you are right now. Losing a child....an absolutely terrifying thought. :-(
Are there any live support groups that you could attend that meet for this sort of thing? For me it would be far too overwhelming to try and deal with simply online or by hanging on by my nails.
I am praying for you, Julie. Keep talking okay?
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No, no, no! This can't be happening. Julie - I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through this. I remember the vacation pictures you sent me of you and your girls - they're so beautiful.
Hopefully they'll be able to successfully treat her. At this point all you can do is try to put one foot in front of the other and get through your day as best you can.
Sometimes there are no answers no matter how much you search and scream and cry. After relinquishing my son, my husband and I lost our daughter when she was a toddler. I just couldn't imagine WHY I had to go through this AGAIN. Now many years later, I still question, because there really are no answers. You can drive yourself crazy looking for one. It's natural to wonder 'WHY ME??'
I'm so sorry you're having to face this, Julie. :hissy: Please let us know how she's doing when you have time.
Oh, my, Julie, I am so very sorry! I cannot even begin to imagine what this is like for you. I have been faced with many losses in my life, and I know how difficult that is, but never the loss of another child. And of course, just when you are finding some solid footing in dealing with the relinquishment of your first daughter, you get this terrible news.
Is the diagnosis you received definite? Can you get a second (or third?) opinion? I guess I would try to find out as much as I could about this illness, and find the very best treatment that I could. Also, hope and pray for the best outcome.
Julie, anyone would be having a meltdown in your circumstance. That is only normal. I know it is not easy, by any means, but you will need to stay strong in order to get your daughter through this. I am hoping and praying that she can fight whatever this illness is. And I'm so sorry this is happening to her, you, and your entire family.
:grouphug:
Julie, I'm not sure I even know what to say. When I read the title of your thread, my stomach sank...I knew it was going to be bad.
I don't know why there are some of us who live through more tragedy than others. I have gone through so many heartbreaks in my life that some days I just feel numb...battered down by the winds. A long time ago, my grandmother told me that I was just born with a "hard row to hoe"...that it wasn't my fault...that it is what it is.
You say you feel like screaming. Do it, Julie...scream until your voice can't take it anymore. Cry until there are no more tears left to cry. Let it out, Julie...let it out. Find a private place, and just let it out. Jackie is always talking about how she let it all out one night alone in her basement, how it was necessary. I used to go down to the beach late at night, when no one else could hear me screaming into the wind. Nowadays, I go outside to the woods on my mountain.
Be sure to get a second and even third opinion on your daughter's illness. I don't know what the diagnosis or prognosis is at this point in time, but I do know that many illnesses that were once considered terminal now have successful treatments available. Hang in there...write in your journal...keep posting here on a daily basis. It sounds like you might also benefit from some therapy, and maybe some low-dose antidepressants and/or tranquilizers.
Julie, you and your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could give you a great big hug, my friend. :loveyou:
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prayers are good....
does anyone have answers? can anyone tell me how to not fall apart?
we celebrated one of my girls birthdays tonight... and i could hardly do it.... ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS WHAT IF THERE WON'T BE ANY MORE BIRTHDAYS WITH MY DAUGHTER...
i just can't stop crying.... every single time i think i am a little calm.... some tiny thing sends me into tears again.
we are leaving for the next few days to see a specialist... we may not have internet... so cannot update.
i am actually really just freaking out over the "POSSIBILITY" of losing her... nothing is definitive...
it's just that there is a really real possibility.... and i can't live with that possibility....
they say we will know more by tuesday.... and i am hoping and praying that we will be celebrating....
i wish i could put more details... but i cannot... i have family members who would wish nothing but bad for me and my children.... and i just can't stand the thought of them being informed....
I survived the loss of my first daughter... although not well... and then i actually made it through losing her a second time.... and even though that was as shattering as the first.... i made it through so much better....
but to lose another? can my heart go through it again?
so much was coming together for me right now... so much.... to be brought to my knees again.... and yet, would we really have it any other way? no.... there is nothing more powerful than loving your child.... nothing... and i guess i would rather have them and live with the risk of losing them.... rather than never have them at all....
i am getting ready to walk out the door to the airport...
my younger brother died in may, 2006.... and he came into my dream last night... that has NEVER happened.... i've never had one dream about him....
and last night, he was young and beautiful.... and healthy... and sitting at my table with my kids... smiling at me...
and somehow, in my dream, i knew he was dead... and i knew he shouldn't be there... and i kept asking "why are you here?" and he wouldn't answer...
i am so sick to my stomach....
well... until tuesday. keep the prayers coming.
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