Choosing life - offensive???

Rd There are a few threads and some of them recent that address this very issue. Many people do find it offensive especially the adult adoptees that have been told that we are lucky our parents "choose live"...in as much I am thrilled to be here....it is NOT a point that bears me being more grateful then anyone lese. We ALL could have been aborted and your right its not about abortion vs adoption...its most about adoption vs parenting. that gets lost in the mix. if in fact the emom was going to chose abortion she would not be looking at adoption pages to begin with.

I, personally, would be turned off by a profile that said "thank you for choosing life." I did not carry and give birth to my son because I am against abortion. In fact, I am strongly pro-choice, however, I wanted to have my son for many other reasons that had nothing to do with being against abortion. Which is why I get squicked out when anyone says "at least you didn't get an abortion" or "thank you for choosing life." It is presumptuous, not to mention condescending. It was my choice how to handle my pregnancy, and I would hope that no matter what I chose (adoption, parenting, or termination) it would be respected, just as I would respect the choice of any other woman to decide for herself what was best for her in her particular circumstances.

I have to say, that I too read many profiles that conveyed the same sentiment, and it always just hit me wrong. It came off as extremely presumptuous and condescending, to put it politely. I get the same raised hairs on the back of my neck whenever someone makes a comment to me about my son's first mom, that "thank God she didn't have an abortion!" I always want to shout, "But she could have - and wouldn't be any of your business, either!" I really think it is such a personal decision, that nobody needs to bring it up. Something that has been bothering me....on the Adult Adoptees board, two of the topics are about thanking bmoms for life over abortion....what does that say about what this forum is doing to perpetuate this line of thinking?

Rd200 - I think you're very wise to leave that line out of your profile. As a birthmom, I find the line to be terribly presumptuous, as well as offensive. You're right - the choice is between parenting the child or placing the child for adoption. The decision to terminate a pregnancy has nothing to do with whether to parent or not, IMHO. When considering abortion, the choice is usually whether to carry the pregnancy to term or not. Too many people in our society are lumping adoption and abortion together, IMO. I would be totally turned off as an expectant mother if I read "thank you for choosing life" in a profile. Just my two cents...

I have an adoptive mom friend (only used for context - not the summation of her being), and I have noticed she frequently quotes abortion statistics. Like she would have adopted another child and not be waiting if the abortion statistics were so high. Perhaps somewhere in the process for some adoptive parents, the correlation or contrast is made for adoption versus abortion - not adoption versus parenting. I find it interesting because I have wondered if on some subconscious level it is used to help rationalize the separation of mother and child?.?.?. PS - I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said --- Adoption not abortion ---- I found it tasteless and just plain yucky!

Thanks for the comments. is there anyone who thinks that this is okay and doesnt find it offensive in some way? i gotta say i was terribly surprised to find that in almost every one there was some mention of that line or something to that affect. Another question i have is ALOT of profiles are soooooo sappy. i mean, 2 paragraphs on how they think you are soooooo great and courageous, admirable, strong, etc. Does it seem fake??? Or does it seem like general concern about you??? Dont get me wrong, i'm not trying to be insulting, and say its not true, cuz i'm sure it is, but to dwell on it for half the profile to my idea would be totally sickening. I think alot of people "lay it on " too thick in hopes of making you think they are the greatest people on earth. Granted, it doesnt sound good, but we ARE selling ourselves in a way. it would be nicer if we could just present ourselves, which is kinda what i tryed to do more in mine, instead of just saying how great i think we are!! And that is just how it is, but i can guarantee that in alot of the profiles there is the word GOD or some reference to religion in every paragraph! not saying this is bad, i am a christian and am an active member of my church, but its really overkill in alot of ways. Being christian doesnt mean that i am perfect nor do i think i am, but some of these people act like they ARE so great because they are Christian. What you DO as a christian should define you as a person, not the other way around. Okay, now i'm just rambling about stuff that doesnt even pretain to the original question. I'm way off topic now, and probably shouldnt get into any religion stuff cuz that wasnt my original posting but... ANy more opinions??? Rach

RD200 - Okay, speaking with my birthmother hat on...if I was an expectant mother in today's hi-tech world and going through profiles of prospective APs, I would be turned off if they lavished praise for my decision. I mean, get serious, how would the PAPs even know why I was making that decision? As an expectant mother choosing adoption for my baby, I would be more interested in the profiles that give me a glimpse into my baby's new parents' lives. I would want to know YOU, not what you think of me, if you know what I mean. It's a heavy responsibility to select new parents for your baby. I think the valuable information on profiles is stuff about who you are as a person, what hobbies you enjoy, what activities you like to do as a family, whether you have pets or other children, religious affiliation, educational background, what turns you on in life. Those would be the important things for me to read. :loveyou:

I'm with Raven here for sure! I would be more interested in profiles that were honest, not trying to appeal to my ego. I am from the closed adoption era so I was just so shocked to find out that my son's amom didn't stay home while he was a baby! (that was something that was kind of important to me), his dad did though. So even things like that would be ok to read in a profile I would think. That and I would have rather had an open adoption, so to know about that would be a good thing.

I am not saying whether I agree with the posts about thanking bmoms for life over abortion or not...BUT I think that it is important that adoptees are able to express, discuss, and hear what others say about topics that they face. I think it says that this forum allows for a whole range of topics to be discussed by ADULTS.....doesn't mean that everyone agrees. If we had to agree with every thread and post then there would not be too many threads or posts left on the forums.....

I can only speak from my experience, but the amom always told me all kinds of nice things about how brave, unselfish, etc. I was being in "choosing" adoption. In my situation, it was not my choice, and when I expressed that and tried to keep my son, the afamily cut me off totally (they are my dad's relatives). At that time, she was the only person being nice to me, so it was nice to hear. But intentionally or not, it was manipulative. I would think you would rather hear stuff about them so you are able to assess the different things important to you. You don't need a cheerleader right now; you are trying to select the family that will raise your child.

The "thank you for choosing life" thing totally squicked me. If that was in a profile, I didn't go any further. I'm pro choice, but abortion wasn't even on my radar, I fought my boyfriend like cats and dogs to bring my child into the world, it was just yucky to me. As for the praise, to me a simple acknowledgement that it is a hard decision is enough and then move on. I wanted to know about people's lives, their dreams, what they thought of each other. That was the coolest thing in our agencies profiles, rather than writing about themselves, the couples wrote each other's profiles.

I waffle on this sometimes.Yes, the fact is that I chose to carry that pregnancy to term. But it wasn't because I was pro-life. I am a pro-choice mother. And I made the choice to carry the pregnancy to term. That's always been my thing about the issue: having the choice.So, yes, I was turned off by "thank you for choosing life" profiles as I felt they were expecting that I would be one type of person when I didn't feel like I was what THEY were really looking for... if that makes sense.

RD200 - I think your instincts are right on. "Thank you for choosing life" comes across as offensive to me, and too much sap and praise comes across as brown-nosing (to ME).