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I'll try to keep this short. About 2 years ago I had the adoption agency search out my bmom. They found her and we've been in contact since then but only through the adoption agency. She explained to me that her husband has ocd and anger management problems. He wouldn't like that she is in contact with me. So her and I never exchanged identifying information because of it.
About a year ago she sent me a picture of my bdad. His junior year book picture. I had asked several times what happened between them. All she would say was that they were high school sweet hearts. They tried dating in college but it didn't work out. When she got pregnant her parents sent her away to have me. She NEVER told my bdad she was pregnant.
Recently I cut off connections with my bmom. I explained it was getting too hard to be in contact JUST through the adoption agency. I also shared with her that I knew her contact information as well as my bdad's. When I wasn't getting answers from her about who he was...I had to take matters into my own hands. I can't exactly say how I found everything out...but I did. I would never contact my bmom directly out of respect for her and her family. She never shared with them that we had reunited.
So now I have my bdad's information and I'm so anxious to call him. I found out he has a daughter who I found on myspace. I made it sound like I was a distant cousin of hers...she has no idea I'm her half sister. I've known his information for over a year now and have never contacted him. I'm a little nervous that he'll contact my bmom once I tell him who I am. I'm sure he'll want to know why she never told him he has a daughter. This I know will disrupt her life and possibly set her husband off. But how can I not tell my bdad he has a daughter? And a grandson! I just can't wrap my mind around a 50 year old man never knowing he has a daughter he's never seen the face of. Am I crazy for thinking this? I actually called his house a few nights ago. He wasn't home. Someone answered that sounded like a woman my age. She said I could try back some other time and asked what my reason for calling was. I told her I think him and I might be related. She said "well you can ask his wife..she's here...they've been married for 27 years". I said no thanks and that I would call back. Funny she should say he's been married for 27years. Cause I'm 28!!
I would love to hear some advice from a birth father that might have gone through this. I understand this will change his life. I'm prepared for rejection from him. But I just can't let it go and not contact him out of respect for my bmom. This guy has every right to know about me.
And advice? Words of wisdom?
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I'm not a birthfather (adoptive mother), but I want to chime in. I admire your respect for your birthmom and her situation. Maybe I am wrong, but a stranger to you with OCD and anger issues has you held hostage. This is your right to approach your bdad. How he will react, I have no idea. I'm sure it would be a shock. It sounds like you really want to at least let him know you exist. I would try to approach him alone with all the info I have, letters from bmom and just tell him not to contact her. If he does, that is beyond your control. At the very least, you deserve to be able to get a medical history. At the most, you both deserve to know each other.
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Let me give you a bit of my background. (I can't keep it short) I am a birthfather that was contacted a little more than a month ago by my daughter. She is 15 and living in England while I reside in the states. It was an open adoption and she has been in contact with her BM and her family her whole life. Her BM and I were little more than a one nighter. I found out about her after the birth and she was already with her adoptive family so I was asked to sign my name and that was that. I met her once when she was only weeks old but that was it. I told her adoptive parents that I was open to her contacting me when she was ready and loosely kept in contact with her bm for that purpose. But that was it. During that time I asked for pictures of her from her BM but never got them. So for 15 years I've waited. During that time I married and adopted my wife's daughter who is now 16 and I've just lived life.
When her BM contacted me and wanted my email address I wasn't overly excited because of the picture thing and left it at that. However, when I received that first email it was the most exciting day of my life. We passed emails for a week or two and chatted on line a bit. (I finally got the pictures and she is beautiful.) However, as time went on the emails stopped and we chat less and less. I talked to her adoptive mom and she said she has struggled with the adoption for a couple of years and was in counseling and then quit. She won't talk to me on the phone as she says she is scared. All of this is why I am here at this site. I don't know what to make of it all or what to do. I am trying to let the dust settle and see what happens. However, I feel guilt, regret, and all those feelings. It is hard for me to just lay back and see what happens, but I feel I have to. I want to continue this relationship but it's hard. Anyway that's the highlight and lowlight of my story.
As for you MaryRose80.... Don't beat around the bush. You have already called and contacted his daughter without telling the truth. Don't go down that road! Yes, the truth may be painful but deception is the killer of all relationships. You are a brave person, You can do this. I don't know for sure but your BF may actually actually know about you despite your BM not telling him. How often does your girlfriend just up and leave with no explanation? This isn't the 1930's were talking about here. If he wasn't told, he may have figured it out or at least thought about it. All this time he may have wanted to look for you but the information was kept from him. He may not be as good as a detective as you. I do agree with the other advice that you have to talk to him alone at first. He has to be able to absorb it on his own at first. Don't try email as I **** near erased my daughters thinking it was spam. He may erase it and you may think he didn't want to talk to you. And yes, ask him not to contact your BM as what happened in the past cannot be changed and putting blame on someone won't help the situation. But like you were told he will do what he will do. Call him on the phone would be my advice. If he isn't there leave a message with your number. If you are asked what this is concerning tell them that you have some news you'd like to share with him. Again, no deceptions. If you keep calling him and not saying anything, they may begin to wonder why a strange woman is calling. At least this way he will be able to call you back. If you get a call back from someone other than him asking what you are calling about. Tell them that you would really like to share the news with him first. After that the ball is in his court. Be patient (as I am trying to be) he may have to work thru some issues. Good luck to you.
BroncoDan, Not to highjack the thread but just wanted to say that at 15, I probably would have reacted just like your daughter is...too many conflicting emotions with a big one being loyalty to adoptive parents and not wanting them to feel any pain. It's a very hard age to be an adoptee as most of us recognise the loss and need the connection, but are too young to be able to really work out how to make it all work together so both sides are happy. Kind regards,Dickons
First I have to apalligize I don't any kids that were adopted but I do have a daughter who's mother kept her away from me well the other day I doing a famliy tree on that web site with the comercails and when I put my daughters name in I gave her my last name and did a search and found out her mother gave her my name well she's going to be 22 yrs old on the 23 og nov. and I would like to finliy be able to tell her happy birthday but i dont know if her mother ever told about me but if she did I would love it she got inconact with me and I wouldn't care if it cauced any problems cuse they could always be settled so CALL HIM!!!!!!
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I say call your birth father right now. Don't leave messages, wait for him to answer. Tell him what you have found out and let him digest what you have to say. It will floor him at first (among other things). It will probably be the 2nd phone call that he will be able to have a decent conversation with you without crying.
I am the victim of an unknown birth son discovery. I found out about him by pure chance through a long time friend of his birth mother last summer. He will be 28 on 11/8. I'm completely in the dark as to what he was told about his father and his mother refuses to even acknowledge that he exists. He appears to have been adopted when he was around 5 years old. He has not answerred my emails over the last year, so I can only assume he doesn't believe me, or he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I have his phone number, but have not called him since he hasn't answerred my emails.
The bottom line for me is that nothing would have made me happier than for him to respond or call me. But, what's really important is that he is OK and he has a very rewarding and healthy life. Maybe by his just knowing who his father is now will help with some mental health issues anyway.
I've decided that I'm in way over my head with this issue now, so I've backed off just to give it some more time.