What would YOU do?

I took a leap and sent an email from a different account. A fishing type email 'are you getting my emails etc...' I got a response with a few minutes. He said he didn't have time to type much now but would be in touch soon. I'm going to have to play this very carefully I think... Ideas would be appreciated!

I wish I had some great advice as to what to do but I don't. I do agree with you that he's 100% yours. I'm sure you're the only one who mourned his being taken and the only one who has given him a second thought during his lifetime. I doubt the bdad probably ever thinks about his son. I know my daughter's bdad didn't think about her because he didn't think she was his! When my daughter found me she asked me to find her bdad and I did. I hadn't heard from him since I went into foster care before I had my daughter but he came to the airport when she came in the first time. It was akward to say the least but I was ok with it for the most part. I never wanted him to have any type contact with her before we met but after we met it was ok because I knew I'd also gotten contacted and didn't miss out on that because she found HIM first. You know? However, he met her once. His entire family met her. She saw a few of them a few times and suddenly they didn't take her calls anymore. Every single one of them moved away and we haven't been able to contact any of them at all. Not one single person has been available anywhere. No valid addresses or phone numbers anywhere. No email addresses. Nothing. They just didn't want anything to do with her and still don't. It devastated her when they all dropped out of sight. I sometimes wish we could have just never found him again to begin with and she'd have only had our family. She thought it was "cool" being in a "crazy" family like her bdads. Long story there but she felt at home in that family and then they just drop out of sight without telling her goodbye or even why they didn't want anything to do with her anymore. It might be better for your son to never meet his bdad. I don't know. I'd just not look if I were you and let him if he wants to really do it so you didn't have to take the chance you'd actually find him unless you are sure his bdad would stick around and not abandon him. That's my opinion anyway with what I've dealt with with my daughter's bdad. It really devastated her to have him and his entire family just drop out of sight. I honestly wish we hadn't found him at all and just told her that we tried even if we didn't. But that's not how it was with my daughter and meeting her bdad. I wish I'd known he'd do that to her too like he did to me. I was just stupid I guess. Rylee

Can I butt in here? I think as adult adoptees you owe it to THEM to tell them whatever they know about their bfather. The reality is they are not 100% anybody's and it should be up to the person created ...as an adult...on how to proceed. I know with me it is not the fact I am looking for a "daddy" I have one that I love very much. I want to know the biology of that side for myself and my children. I would be VERY resentful if I thought my biomom was holding back on something that is rightfully mine because she thought it would be better for HER or me...I can decide what is right for me. As far as expecting bmoms to find or contact the bfather...I understand any bmom not wanting to do that. I understand the fear and anxiety it would produce and I would not expect anyone to go through that. I think if you explain the situation to your bchild, give her any information you have...what he was like during the pregancy and birth...and be honest...its up to the adult adoptee to figure how to proceed. My bmom offered to see if she could find him...at the time I was't ready and I also felt like it really was not hers to do. It was mine...but dang now that she is gone I wish I had at least got the name of the person she would have contacted....she also told me he(bfather) was not a very nice man...she was letting me know...as a result I would NOT have expecated her to talk or have any contact with him. I was/am ready for him to be anything....but I still want to know for sure who he is and what he is and what his family is. Bmom is gone and I am left with not knowing and may never know. I would give your child whaever info you have and let them proceed.

I think the guy may know and have the information you seek and is just seeing what else he can find out from you before giving you any more information. Your situation is very similar to that of my mothers. She had a baby and blacked out the name of the father. When my sister tried to locate her father it was a very painful process. But eventually a friend that knew both my mom and the bdad of my sister remembered the guys name. As soon as my mom heard the name, tons of details returned to her mind, such as where he was born, his high school etc. Hopefully you will find the information you seek. I would be careful with this person you have contacted. Trust you "gut" it is usually right.

Thanks guys! And dpen, let me reassure you! I have given my son every bit of information I remember! I found my son through the agency that he was adopted through, and they can do a search for his birthfather if he requests it. He knows that, and heck, they HAVE the name and everything at their fingertips so he can. I guess the only thing I did not share with my son was his birthfather's comment of 'why didn't you get an abortion?!?!??' I didn't think he needed to know that. KWIM? I have tried so many things to try to remember the last name of this guy. I've looked through all papers and photos and everything that I saved through the years, but NOTHING. I've grilled my parents, but they also got rid of everything. *sigh* I'm treading carefully with the mutual friend. So far (this time) I'm holding it light this time around. We'll see if I hear from him again. And Rylee, you made me feel a little better about if I can't find him!