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Hello all. I am new to this forum and definitely looking for advice. My 18 yr old daughter found me in December. It was a wonderful reunion and it was unbelievable to me - still is, in fact. Since the 1st phone call, we have seen each other twice. We talk on the phone a lot but it has been hard to really communicate since she is 18 and always on the run and I am now married with a 3 yr old. However, in these few months I have been able to ascertain that she definitely has a lot of problems. She has been arrested a few times, hangs around with very unsavory people and quite likely is abusing drugs. She is not working now since she was fired for not showing up. I have spoken with her AM and she is worried sick but doesn't know what else to do. Her father is in Florida (they divorced yrs ago). Her mom feels she is definitely headed towards big trouble. She is constantly at war with her mom and now holding me up to her mother, telling her she can come live with me any time she wants. Recently she called me to ask me to come here. She had a big fight with her mom.
My concern is that she has been showing me in a lot of ways that she is manipulating things now that I am in the picture. I have enormous love for her and she is a beautiful child but she is pretty messed up. Finally, my more immediate concern, is that I am married now and have a 3 yr old son. I feel that I need to be concerned for him as well. I do not really know my daughter yet and what I know frightens me and I am not sure what is the right thing to do. I want to help her but I need to protect my family at the same time. If anyone has any advice, please share. Having my daughter find me is still the most amazing thing that could ever have happened to me.
She is constantly at war with her mom and now holding me up to her mother, telling her she can come live with me any time she wants. Recently she called me to ask me to come here. She had a big fight with her mom.
My concern is that she has been showing me in a lot of ways that she is manipulating things now that I am in the picture.
It does indeed sound like she is manipulating the situation and assuming since she can't get what she wants from her amom, she will get back at her by saying she's going to go live with you. She also assumes if she were to live with you that you would let her do the things her amom is not allowing. What was your response to her when she asked you if she could live with you? Personally, I don't think it would be a good idea. You've only recently reunited, so things are in the "honeymoon" stage and you don't really know one another. On top of that, she's only 18 and even though she's of "legal age" that doesn't mean maturity-wise she is anywhere near adulthood (and frankly it doesn't sound like she is). How do YOU feel about all this? Do you really think it would be appropriate for her to move in with you? Do you want that? And how does her amom feel? I think I would try to come together with the amom to get your daughter the help she needs (is she in counseling or getting any help for substance abuse, etc.?). I don't think moving in with you is the answer at all, but I suspect your daughter thinks you will just take her and let her do whatever she wants. Right now, she is thinking the grass will be greener by you. I think if you don't let her move in, she will take it as a "rejection" but if you do let her move in, it will not solve her problems. Can you let her know that you love her, but still set some boundaries with her? Can you say that right now, you are just getting to know one another and everything looks rosey, but if she were to move in and expect to run with a bad crowd, get in trouble with the law, do drugs, etc., that would not work in your home, either?? Also, ideally, you would want to be in a good relationship with your daughter's amom. At least I would. I would not want to be seen as an adversary, and siding with the daughter and leaving the amom in the dust. I would prefer to work with the amom to figure out how to best get our daughter the help she needs, unless, of course the amom really is unreasonable, which from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like that is the case.
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Reunited, I agree with just peachy, except,my perception is more along the lines of your 3 yr. old, and more of your concern is with how this relationship advancing, is not compatible with a toddler at home...correct me if I am wrong. Is it possible, that you could have a heart to heart, and explain, you love her, and wish to build a relationship, but you will not tolerate, her pitting you against her mother. Possibly explain that her habits, her unsavory friendships, and running around could never be excepted in your home, and that the example she would be expected to set, would have to be one which is suitable for her 3 yr. old brother, whom would require stability, and structure. Like Peachy, I would see if she is recieving counseling, and maybe make a suggestion that adjusting to the reunion, most times requires counseling, and maybe that you would be happy to help her with this??? Just thoughts, I wish you the best, reunion sounds as if it should be an easy, hello, how are you, I want to know you more..type thing, but it just isn't is it? Blessings, and congrats on you and your daughter reuniting...open communication is definately a must...C.J.
Hi, I've been off the boards for awhile but jumped back on today and found this post hitting quite close to home. Reunited, whatever you do, listen to these wise women here. I do not claim to be wise but I was in your very shoes just a scant year ago. I wholeheartedly agree with the advice you have already been given-TAKE IT SLOWLY. Look at it this way, you have been apart 18 years and even though you want to jump in, it is much wiser to take your time and be wary. Of course you love her, of course you want to be there for her as I'm sure you will be but DO NOT let an 18 year old run the show. It is so easy as a birthmom to be caught in the "what ifs" in her life and yours but don't fall into that trap. You did not cause her problems, you did what you thought was best for her as a mother. . Don't let her put you in the middle, and yes she will be very manipulative with you because that is what addicts do. Yes she is troubled, yes she probably has drug and maybe even bigger problems but you are not some magic potion for her to use when she feels like it. If you feel comfortable with it, it would probably be good to try and stay in contact with her amom so you are on the same page however this can also be a mine field. My main suggestion is to go slowly, you have plenty of time, don't rush it even if that is your inclination, and set boundaries that you feel comfortable with. And read up on reunions and stay on this board because you can get alot of help here too
Mother's guilt is bad but I think birthmother's guilt can eat you away. Talk to her as much as you can, be honest with her about your feelings and slowly invite her into your life on YOUR terms. Take it slow, set your boundaries, and enjoy your reunion, it can be the most exciting and crazy time in your life so remember to stay grounded and good luck.
Reunited,
I'm an adult adoptee and I was reunited after 50, so I really don't have much actual experience with your position. But I did raise 2 kids, now in their 20's and was adopted kid at 18 who threw my "real mom" in my amom's face. Today I cringe, but in actuality, I was a pretty normal 18 year old - who wanted freedom and tried to get it any way I could.
My parents had a saying - "United we stand, divided we fall" - This should be a motto for "parents" and divorced parents of teenagers. My suggestion is to try to work with the amom and adad, if he is in the picture, and let your daughter know that the rules are the same - she can't run away. You must also decide if living with you is an option - if it isn't, that needs to be clearly stated. Don't over apologize or beat yourself up, it just is what it is. In my opinion, the best way to convey this is with the amom so your daughter knows that she can't get away with stuff. In many ways, she is acting just as a kid with divorced parents - trying to play one against the other to get what she wants. She just has at her hands a much bigger, much more emotional stick. It takes a village to raise teenagers.
Good luck
Jill