Advertisements
Hi, I really need some advice from all of you wonderful Birthmoms out there who have an open relationship with the Adoptive parents. We are just starting out and placing ads to do another private independant adoption, ads started today actually! My question is do you think I should write a letter to our son's Birthmom and let her know?
I will give you a little background, the BM is 16 yrs old now she was 14 when preg. and 15 when she had him. We are very close, we talk thorugh texting and email and send pics through photobucket. We love her so much and I dont want to make her sad by telling her. We were very honest with her from the beginning and told her we wanted more children. She actually comes from a big family and thought that was great. BUT.. after he was born a few months later she asked again if we were going to adopt and I said yes and she said "oh thats good he'll have siblings but it would be cool if was an only child too and kept getting spoiled!" I know its probably something she just said and didn't really mean, but I know that there's probably some truth to it too!
Help! I have to tell her, I don't want to say ohhh by the way we have another baby!
So do you think a letter is better than texting? We don't talk on the phone, I would, I just think at her age she is more comfortable with texting.
Any advice would be really helpful!
Thanks.
Like
Share
Advertisements
SchmennaLeigh
Yes. But I would have rather been told on the phone and not via a letter/email. Again, while you say that you didn't, that was big news and I really would have preferred a more immediate courtesy.
Megan -- I think Jenna may have been referring to my not telling DD's birth mom about submitting the profile? To be honest, it was literally like a 3 day turnaround process...our HS was still "good" (toward the tail end) and the emom wanted profiles fedex'ed to her to make an immediate decision. We weren't really "looking" to adopt again, and I sort of felt like we weren't going to be selected. I suppose I could have told her in that three day window (we only talk on the phone every couple of months or so), but I'm not sure what purpose it would have really served (we didn't even tell our families...they would have had a heart attack!). We have subsequently discussed adopting again with her as sort of "out there," but we haven't even updated our HS. Anyway, good luck, Megan!! I know it is may be a little bit of a "difficult" conversation but hopefully she will be excited for Sam to be a big brother.
loveajax
Megan -- I think Jenna may have been referring to my not telling DD's birth mom about submitting the profile?
To be honest, it was literally like a 3 day turnaround process...our HS was still "good" (toward the tail end) and the emom wanted profiles fedex'ed to her to make an immediate decision. We weren't really "looking" to adopt again, and I sort of felt like we weren't going to be selected. I suppose I could have told her in that three day window (we only talk on the phone every couple of months or so), but I'm not sure what purpose it would have really served (we didn't even tell our families...they would have had a heart attack!). We have subsequently discussed adopting again with her as sort of "out there," but we haven't even updated our HS.
Anyway, good luck, Megan!! I know it is may be a little bit of a "difficult" conversation but hopefully she will be excited for Sam to be a big brother.
Advertisements
Jenna, thanks for getting back to me and for the advice! I'll let you all know what happens when I tell her. She's very sweet. She even told me the other day she was happy she changed someones life for the better, and was excited she gets to share in our happiness!
Oh well, I just have to suck it up and not be scared!! LOL
thanks ladies.
Sometimes what we resist doing turns out to be much simpler than we expected! From what she said, it sounds to me like the bmom was saying she could see advantages either way... with siblings and without. Do remember that while you care about her feelings, this is your family and you need to do what you believe is right for you. I think I agree with those who say tell her when you begin the process. You have no idea how long it will take and if your relationship is an open one I think it's a matter of trust. (She can trust you to let her know what's happening.) Of course, I was in a closed adoption and had no expectation of knowing if/when D's parents chose to add to their family.
Our dd is almost 17 months old and it was a private/direct placement. We received a call in November for a baby due this month. In fact, our potential ds is being born next week :) I told our dd's bmom and she was NOT happy. I explained to her my feelings in that why was it okay for her to parent other children but it was not okay for me to have more than one child? After our discussion, she realized her statements were very inappropriate and hurtful and she is now happy that our dd will be a big sister...or so she says. One of her biggest fears was that we are in a semi-open adoption with her and our the relationship with the expected bparents will be completely closed and that we would close our arrangement. I explained to her that this is not the case, not our intention and we have no reason to close.
Not sure where I was going with this. LOL Sorry....rambling.
Advertisements
I have really good news!!!! I just just got a text from our son's Bmom that she will be in Ny for the St. Pats parade. She asked if we were going and I said yes and then I asked her if she wanted to meet up? She said she would LOVE It!!
I wrote before that I wanted to tell her that we were trying for number 2 and asked if i should write her, well now I can tell her in person.
I am so excited, and scared (a little) mostly excited, I love her and cant wait to hug her.
We haven't seen her since our son was 1 week old. He is now 17 months. I can't wait for her to see him!
Its going to be such a good day.
I will let you know how it goes, I'm sooooo excited!!:happydance:
Advertisements
:love:
We had our visit yesterday with Sam's Birthmom! It was so amazing!
I was so calm right up to the 10 min before we saw her. Then my heart was beating out of my chest, well when we saw each other and hugged she said the same thing!
After that we just had a great time. She loved seeing Sam. They had fun together, she held him and pushed the stroller and we took tons of pictures and video. It felt really natural to be with her. Everyone was afraid for her that she would be sad and she said she wasnt, she was very happy. I am so glad for that. We had alot of nice coversations and some were pretty deep but it never got weird or uncomfortable. We both said we just feel like family.
Well I did tell her about us trying for number 2! She said that it would be nice for him to have a brother or sister and then said it would be good if it happened when he was like 5! He's only 17 months! I said probably not that long. So I will bring it up again and let her know it will not effect our relationship with her and we will always love her. And especially it wont take away from how we feel for Sam!!! I hope she just needs to get used to the idea.
More good news came at the end of the day, we made plans to see her again in a few weeks! I am looking forward to it.:banana:
I am soooo glad that we got to see her, I love her so much!