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I am posting this for a friend, and the situation is rather complicated with enough plot twists for a LIfetime movie, but my friend is really struggling and could use some sound advice.
She is in her early 40's and has a 22 year old son. His 17 year old girlfriend had a baby last October and they have been living with my friend S. S is a recovering alcoholic and her son is a heavy-duty alcohol and drug user. His girlfriend is a very sweet young woman but has a lot of problems. She was raised by a drug abusing mother and spent several years in foster care. To top it off, she is here illegally (from Canada...I didn't even know we HAD illegal Canadians in our midst!) now that she is 18 she is unable to work legally or get medicaid etc. S's son works delivering pizza.
In addition to this stress, S's husband has MS and is wheelchair bound and on disability. S has a full time job (working as a drug and alcohol abuse counselor), takes care of her disabled husband, and now is also taking on the bulk of the care of the baby. My friend came to me after the baby was born asking about adoption (I am an adoptive mom). I pretty much told her it is only something that her grandchild's parents can do, she cannot try to force them into anything or she will regret it. IN the meantime, the parents are running wild, staying out drinking, fighting, and neglecting the baby but not abusing the baby. My friend loves her granddaughter but does not want to rasie another child right now, which is what she is doing by default. Her burdens are many right now.
So here's why I am posting now. The mom is pregnant again. She and my friend's son just got married and say they want to raise their children, but they are not taking care of the baby they have now. My friend decided to lay off taking care of her granddaughter for one week to see if they would step up to the plate. During that week, the baby was hospitalized after she aspirated formula from the bottle because they were not hand feeding her, but propping up the bottle and leaving her alone. In the hospital they discovered she had terrible diaper rash...apparently she was only being changed twice a day.
SOOO...my friend is beside herself. She is enabling her son but worried that if she doesn't the baby will be harmed. I told her the only recourse I can see is to a) choose to live the way she is now and take on the care of 2 babies or b) call child protective services and report the neglect now, in hopes that these parents will either shape up or that these babies will be found good homes.
Neither of these are particularly appealing options, but I can't come up with any alternatives. Any advice would be appreciated...
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I would assume that the doctors reported the neglect when the baby was hospitalized, however, where I live neglect calls are just taken as information only and aren't usually investigated unless there is a pattern or abuse allegations as well. I would advise your friend to encourage her son and daughter-in-law to seek out community resources. I dont know where you live but there may be maternity support services available to new and expectant mothers, have them look into WIC, and TANF since they're married now her citizenship shouldn't be an issue although I'm not sure how the married status will effect eligibility for certain programs. I would also suggest that she get her son into treatment for his addictions and if he's unwilling then get him out of her house and away from the baby until he is willing. Obviously these are just my opinions take them for what they're worth katja
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You shouldn't use a human being to teach a person responsibility or a lesson. Passing the baby back & forth will harm the baby - if not physically than emotionally. Even if she committs to raising her granddaughter & the new baby her son & girlfriend can legally take the chidlren whenever they feel like being parents - she needs to report the neglect & go after legal guardianship or grandparents rights. Every person should report neglect or abuse if it is happening - not for any other reason - if it is happening & it sounds like it is. What a sad sitation for her & especially the children - they didn't ask to be born.
Thanks for your replies. These are the things I have been telling her. It is interesting because she is an addiction counselor but she is enabling her own son. She is very reluctant to get the authorities involved but also says she does not want to care for the babies long term (especially since she is caretaker for her disabled husband). I think she is hoping her son will magically do a turn-around and step up to the plate.
My friend lives in Nebraska and I live in Illinois. We are friends through a close mutual friend. Because I am not physically there and only know these things through phone conversations, I haven't called family services. A report has to be based on more than hearsay.
This whole situation has me thinking a lot about caretakers and the diffcult position they are in. Add in co-dependency and it is a real mess.
I have suggested counseling for my friend so she can hopefully put an end to these co-dependent behaviors and help her grandchildren in a way that will last. No one wants to see their grandchildren put into the "system" but I am hoping that family services might provide education and couseling and for the mom and that she can learn to become a good parent. And that my friend can find the courage to do the right thing.
I hope you didn't think I meant you should call human services-if you haven't witnessed the neglect or even seen the child you shouldn't - if your friend is convinced the child is in danger all you can do is encourage her to do the right thing. Unfortunatly sometimes counselors, caseworkers, judges ect have family problems they try to teach others to solve - maybe thats why some go into the profession - to have some resources to fix their own situation.
Dear Portlowski,
One of the most powerful weapons in addiction's arsenal is its ability to get us to believe its lies. And one of the greatest lies it tells, is that, because we are educated regarding addiction, we are on top of it.
I speak especially for myself in this area but I have seen it in hundreds of other addicts and codependents, including those with Masters and Doctorates on the subject. In the face of addiction, our professions, our titles, our status........none of that matters.
Yet it is hard for us to admit that too ourselves. We want desparately to believe that our long fight with addiction is at an end, that we have won and that we will now have peace. :-(
So it is that when situations as wrenching as those you describe come into our lives, recovering addicts want to intellectualize those things while at the same time denying the part our addiction is playing in our inability to act. In other words, if we can use our self-will and intelligence alone to "think our way through" whatever problem is at hand....welll...then we can master it....after all we have mastered addiction. (That last being the biggest lie we tell ourselves).
I suspect that that is what is going on with your friend. I also suspect that she's not consciously aware of that fact. I certainly haven't been at various times, including recently.
If she is a member of a 12 Step Program, perhaps you could suggest that she double up on meetings or phone calls to other members. Perhaps suggest she make a call to other members to see if they'll come to her home and have an improptu meeting with her. I know few if any 12 Steppers who would turn down such a request for help.
Also perhaps you could gently remind her of the rules of H.A.L.T. "Never get too hungry, too angry, too lonely or too tired". More than likely as a couselor she will be familiar with the term.
Being so close to the situation, I.e. being in the forest, it may well be that she cannot see the trees.
And for addicts, when our children struggle with their own addictions, there is natural desire to deny this too ourselves because we often feel that we have genetically or through our parenting styles passed our terrible disease on to our children.
If she can get help from other addicts, this may go a long way towards her being able to not only take care of herself but find the strength to act in the best interests of both herself and her grandchild.
Respectfully,
S is a recovering alcoholic and her son is a heavy-duty alcohol and drug user....In addition to this stress, S's husband has MS and is wheelchair bound and on disability. S has a full time job (working as a drug and alcohol abuse counselor)....It is interesting because she is an addiction counselor but she is enabling her own son.
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Most state are bound by the law of if you know about
abuse in the home you must report it.
Is she aware that if they are found to be abusing and she has done nothing, she may have charges brought against her.
It is not uncommon for counsulers to have the same
problems, they go into it to find answers for their lives.
I would be hard pressed to say our system works.
I used to be part of it, and asked for help for my kids.
I thoght they would help.
Depending on the age of the kids, she might try getting them in a good play therapy.
Yes there is such for younger kids, this may fourse parental partapation, and protect Grandma.
Marie
Bethy--thanks for your insight. No, I didn't think you meant I should call, but it is something I thought about but realized I haven't witnessed any neglect firsthand. And I agree my friend sought out her profession in part to heal herself.
Janey, as usual your reply is thoughtful and you show a lot of insight. I am going to approach her with the idea of going to more meetings and hope that she is able to share with those who speak the 12 step language and can help her to see what she is doing...she knows it, but she is dealing with the guilt of the way she parented her son when he was young--before she got treatment for herself.
jomar, tbanks for the legal info. I don't think the issues in the house have reached abuse proportions yet...that's part of the isue. My friend is the only safeguard right now and that role is too overwhlming for her right now. Neglect is a kind of abuse but you can't report it until it actually happens, and she doesn't want to leave the baby alone as an "experiment." I am hopeful that the incident in the hospital and the diaper rash will be a jumping off place for her to deal with the stark reality.
The best thing would be for the babies parents to open themselves up to help and education and in the case of the dad, treatment...so they can parent their children well.
Thanks to all for caring.
Portlowski: You don't have to witness the neglect first hand. Just knowing about it is enough to make the call. And yes, by definition, if the bparents are using drugs or abusing alcohol in the child's presence, they are neglecting the child.This is serious stuff. This baby could die. The aspiration was no joke. Please, please, please---if your friend will not make the call, you MUST make the call for this child. Tell the screener what you know, give them your friend's telephone number, and get an investigation going. You could save this baby's life.(I'm a foster parent, so I am acutely aware of what neglect does to children, most especially babies. There's no time to lose.)
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A quick update on this situation. A case file has been opened on the family since the hospital stay. It raised red flags. There is not much else I can do from another state. I have decided to butt out...only my freind can decide whther she will take guardianship of her grandchildren if it comes to that. And only she can kick her son out. I've told her what I think...and now I am stepping away.
Thanks for all of your insight.