6 weeks along, considering adoption

The "will/way" works for both situations. If you have a specific set of ideas about parenting there's a way, and if you have a specific set of ideas regarding how the adoption should go, there's a way there as well. Basically don't let anyone (like an agency or your friends) tell you you can't do it. And this applies to career, grades, everything.Someone somewhere will know/have something that will help you achieve whatever goal you set for yourself. If you feel strongly about something, then stay true to that goal. Opportunities will open up and come your way. It may be a little wait, and a little work, and a little sacrifice, but you can make your goals happen.I was referring to both parenting AND placing. Too often I hear bmoms get fearful of their approaching due date, as if their choice expires once the baby is born. I say, take your time, make sure it's the right choice. You can always change your mind about parenting. Adoption is forever.As bad as birthparents have felt when they change their mind and it's too late, there is also much grief on the aparents end, having bonded with the baby and being unable to part with the child and knowing that it is causing the birthparents unending, extreme grief.I couldn't be part of an adoption, where I felt the birthparents weren't sure of their decision. Because I don't think I could give the baby back, and I couldn't live with myself knowing how much grief I was causing the birth parents by not reversing the adoption. I would forever hate myself.That to me would be the exact definition of Hell. So, in a way it's self-serving for me to advise Emoms to choose carefully and confidently. It just saves grief all the way around.I think Kathy, that your birthson was validating your choices. At the time, all your hopes and dreams of what the adoption would be for him and the reasons for placing for you, were accomplished just as you'd hoped (according to his opinion).I think he was simply saying "good job, mission accomplished" more or less. I don't think he meant to minimize the grief or loss aspect. I also don't think he meant to say, "you're right, life with you wouldn't have been great". I know my dd would likely tell her bmom the same thing. Because what she wanted for my dd's life couldn't have been done by anyone but us. Not that she wouldn't have loved life with her bmom, it just would have been MUCH different, and she wouldn't have the right tools to overcome her very unique challenges. It's so funny because the issues she has match up perfectly with our families strengths. And our particular unique tools.

Hey Aspenhall, Well said! :flower: It would be so.....well...maybe "wonderful" isn't the right word, but so much more peaceful if everyone on all sides didn't have to live under the shadow of guilt adoption seems to bring with it. Every once in a while I've seen animosity displayed in here towards aparents simply because they are aparents. I've never been comfortable with that. My children's parents were not in any way responsible for the road I had to travel and to the places that road would lead. I have never seen them as people who profited from my loss. Hugs to ya!:grouphug:

It is so refreshing to come upon someone with your compassion. It is much calming for me to read how morals and values, is alive and well, in todays society. I wish, and am sure, there were more parents , such as yourself and DH. I am proud to read from this post, but still cannot express enough, that no matter 'our" decisions, this will, in some way impact an innocent child, whom will inevevablly carry questions, to some degree, with them for life. If when a young mother to be , could just take the time to meet and greet, then spend time with their child, with having all the wise advice, such as from this board/forum, then maybe we would get a better understanding, of what we will place inside the soul of an innocent child. I have read over and over again, how so many of "us' did what we had to do, or even what "we' did was the right decision. I am not by any means saying that when 'we' say this we are lying, or in denial. But 'we" must acknowledge, that what "we' did in reality, is place emotional turmoil into an innocent child..no if, and , or buts...we did. Do all children relinquished grow up with irreprablre damage...absolutely not. However they were forced into a life, they had no choice, even in the best of circumstances,they, inside , at one time or another...are forced to ask themselves...WHY? No person should have to spend their lives, wondering this. I have no brilliant magical answer, but do know in my situation, my twins, have spent a good many days wondering, what kind of mother could place two identical little infants, into strangers arms, to live with forever? Sadly I can , and will never, be able to explain...the reasons, and unlike ASPENHALL, their parents, were not honorable, and indeed were deceitful. I could never tell them this...never. For regardless of how immorral their parents were/ are, they have a good life! End result, their life will always have a huge question mark....and I cannot give them the knowledge they will need to make that go away. So kudos to ASPEHALL, and ALL the many Moms out there, that are silent, and wish no thanks...Blessings...C.J.:coffee:

Sorry, one last thing...MYSTIC PENGUIN, where are you, I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings. Please come update us, after all this is about your baby, and you...no one else. Come talk, we will listen, just as well as give thoughts. Please take care of yourself, YOU WILL know, Blessings, C.J.

CJ, first, THANK YOU!!! You are too kind!Second....It isn't only children placed for adoption that wonder HOW??? and WHY??? especially when the family is dysfunctional and abusive. I know I wondered that my entire life. And the only answer I can come up with is that someone else wouldn't have been strong enough to handle it, and I could. I am not without scars and emotional sore spots, but I didn't self-destruct. Be greatful that your daughters have a 2nd family out there who loves them. Also, remember that parenting changes people fundamentally in a lot of cases. It sure shows you what you're made of! I really do believe that we are allowed to travel through adversity in order to gain strength and character. I wonder how compassionate I would be if I hadn't had the childhood I did? I see traits in myself that I know bloomed and took root because of injustices I faced. I'm greatful to be able to help answer my own daughter's "Why?"s and "How?"s. And I think there is ALWAYS those questions, bio or adoptive makes no difference. All children whether born to their families or adopted in later, have NO CHOICE in the matter, theoretically...all must deal with the lot they are given in life. The only difference is how many others were involved in the decision process. And as always, God is at the head. He is the Great Father of us all. If it were truly the wrong decision, He would have made sure you felt it in your heart everytime you went to move forward with your choice.And I actually believe that most of us DID get to choose our families. I feel very strongly that we likely knew each other before birth, and that we were aware of some of the trials we would be facing. One of my favorite songs that really testifies of God's hand in our lives is "Consider the Lilies" ....The last verse specifically talks about suffering children. It has comforted me many times.Here is the Composer's own words[url=http://www.hoffmanhouse.com/writingconsider.html]Writing Consider the Lilies[/url]And here is a video of a version of the song on You Tube [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne178Ms2SFw]YouTube - Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Consider The Lilies[/url]

I feel like this may be a mistake to post. Please, know that my decision has already caused me an unimaginable amount of pain, and so judgements and reprimands are entirely unnecessary. I have learned my lesson. Despite starting to feel a strong desire to parent -- despite feeling all along that I wanted to give birth to this baby -- despite the fact that every time my bf and I talked about parenting I felt my heart soaring -- I had an abortion on March 6, 2009, 6 weeks ago today. I can't explain why I did what I did. When I woke up that morning it was like I was on autopilot; I don't remember having a single thought or emotion or anything. I went to the clinic, at the time I guess I thought to get the counseling since they advertise it so proudly, but once I was there they just assured me that abortion was the right decision, that I would be doing a good and moral and wise thing, and I just...went along with it. I am beyond ashamed, and I cannot get over my immense feelings of guilt. I still cry at least once a day; I still have nightmares; I still have dreams about my baby... I can't believe I did what I did. And I'm so sorry to all of you -- for all of your losses, for all of your pain, and that I let you give me advice and feedback and information and didn't even tell you what happened until now.

My dear mysticpenguin,Thank you for updating your story. If you have not gotten counseling, please do so. (Not from that clinic!) You are in the midst of grief over your loss and the baby's loss. You need healing. Please know this, what you have done is forgiveable. Perhaps your hardest job is to forgive yourself. I pray that you will experience peace. Please feel free to pm me.

Oh Sweetie, You owe none of us any apologies. Please try and be kind to yourself. What is done is done and you cannot change that, but you need to give yourself permission to grieve this loss. Please seek out a counselor and as PP says not from that place. Just know that God forgives you, and you have to forgive yourself. I will be praying for you. EZ

Dear Mysticpenguin, You will get no judgements or reprimands from me my friend. I am no one to accuse. You owe me no apology; nor anyone else here. You are human. You reached out to other souls when you were in crisis. There is no shame or mistake in that. The hardest person we ever face is ourselves and half the battle in finding serenity is coming to terms with that. I respect your courage in updating us and I imagine it could not have been easy to do so. And as I sit here thinking of you I would only say that I have learned a thing my friend. That the road is long. It twists and bends and sometimes it drops steeply. But with each step I take I try to remember that God walks with me and that when I am weary, ashamed, beaten down and afraid....at those times He carries me. We are never alone. May the Buddha shine a light upon you and bring you peace.

I too, am very sad that this is the course of action you took. As a man who has never had kids, I would like to understand - does it pain more or differently to give up your baby for adoption versus abortion?

Dear seeking to adopt,I would suggest that the original poster (who is in pain right now) can't answer your question since she has not placed a child. I would suggest you ask that question in a separate thread to see if there are people who have experienced both and could actually answer your question. I also respectfully tell you that most bmoms I know (including myself) prefer placed or relinquished to gave up a child.

Seeking to adopt, I can see where you may ponder this thought, and I will be happy to explain, for it is a "JUST', and FAIR question...just not for MysticPenguin, for she is in deep sadness now. I was married very young, to a wonderful, loving caring man, whom is the father to my now , almost 30 yr old son this April22. My husband and I married, and immediately he wished to be a father"to be able to grow with his son, and understand issues that may arise, and he felt that being a younger father would be best, since his own father was so generational. And so it was, I became pregnant 3 months into our marriage, had a son, and my husband was beyond happy and very humbled. my son was 1 yr. , when I became pregnant...however this was a different outcome! I had been placed on a "NEW and very advanced type of birth control, at that time it was named'copper7'. Make this short, I had this "copper 7 in for 6 months, and became very very ill, week, and non functioning, lost weight was down to 87 pounds, went to doctor and they informed me I was almost 3 months pregnant. They brought in a specialist, and at that time gave me the what ifs, and all aspects of what COULD happen. After about a week, and discussions with hubby, I and only I, made a decision to terminate, and so it was. I was very sick, very torn, but felt this was the best decision. I will tell you now, how it effected me, so this is MY story...not all of 'us' react the same. I felt peace,sadness, and wondered if indeed what I had chose was right. I pondered this for about a month, said many prayers for a child that was now lost. I was fine after that. There was no pain, and unlike MysticPenguin, I had an execcelent clinis, and counseling staff. I was counseled by 4 different counseling theapist, and they discussed ALL aspects, mostly trying to assure me that I could be a parent, and I would recieve ALL resources of which they would provide. So they did a very good job of counseling, and could never place blame on them...I did this, and they assured me I did not have to. Present day, that was 29 yrs ago, and I never think about that abortion...NEVER! 23 YRS AGO, I relinquished twin sons, I was such profoundly honored, and fell madly in love with them ...I however was not allowed to change my mind to parent...and so it was! At 4 days old I was not allowed even a good-bye. I am haunted, shamed, and saddened, by those boys and what I did to them. I am haunted by their tiny fuzzy faces, their toes and fingers, their smell, but NOTHING haunts me more than the sound of their heartbeat. I can no longer smell them, touch them, have never seen them, and know not their names.....but their heartbeat is still strong...for I CAN still hear it. You my friend asked a just question.... my answer...ADOPTION IS AND WAS the single hardest thing to live....with exception to my sons father being killed in a car accident! Blessings, I hope one day you will be a Dad. My husband was a great father, and adored his son. The reason, but only 1 of many, to abort?????He had only one leg, and he constantly was reminded of how he could NOT be a father in the way of running and playing, throwing a fooball, and teaching his son ALL the MAN things. The child I aborted had a very very high rate of deformation, mental and physical, disabilities....my husband COULD NEVER of handled that..never. I hope you see an honest answer here, ALL journeys are different. Blessings to you, C.J.:flower:

MysticPenguin, I am glad to hear from you, and am sorry for your loss. I have also chose your path, along with also the path of relinquishing a child. Do not be hard on yourself, this was YOUR decision, and no one elses is important. Please take care of yourself, feel free to PM me, if it would make it better in finding your peace. I am here, as so many of these others...no judgement, for I would and could NEVER be one to do so. GOD will be right behind you, so when you need a ahnd, and you feel yourself falling....he will catch you...Blessings, and most certainaly...SERENITY, C.J.:grouphug: :flower: :thankyou:

(((MysticPenguin))) Just take good care of yourself and know that there are no judgements here. It is not an easy decision, no matter which way you go, and you did what you thought best at the time. You cannot go back and change it, but you can heal. Please find some support for yourself to help you get through this.:grouphug: :grouphug:

Mystic, we're still here for you. I hope you don't feel like you need to apologize to us for anything you've done. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me anytime. ((((((hugs))))))