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I am the birth mother of 3 children whose birth father has had nothing to do with them in over 10 years. My husband of 10 years now wants to adopt the kids. I have spoken with my ex and he has agreed to surrender his rights. You would think this would make my husband happy. We have wanted this adoption for many years but never imagined that the bio dad would surrender. Bio dad has grown up tremendously in the last decade and is being very mature about the situation. My children want the adoption to happen as well. They do not know their bio dad at all. He left when the kids were very young. Now, the kids are teenagers and are very curious about bio dad. The problem now is, when we get the adoption taken care of, the kids still want to know their bio dad. They want to learn of their heritage. My husband is now ready to call off the adoption because he doesn't want the kids to get to know their bio dad at all. He, in my opinion, is being very selfish by wanting to keep the kids all to himself. The kids just want ot know their bio dad, they do not want him in their lives at their dad just as friend and for some reason my husband is taking this as a personal attack against him. am i wrong in feeling like it is ok for the kids to have a relationship with their bio dad even though they consider their stepdad as their one and only father?
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Thank you for your response. My husband is fine with the kids meeting thier bio dad...but not until they are out on their own and i don't know how to take that. Yes, they are all teenagers and have expressed to stepdad what it is they are looking for. They have made it clear that no matter what, he (Stepdad) will always be their dad and bio dad cant change that. This is something we have been discussing for years. maybe now, because it is all about to become reality this is hitting him where he didn't expect? The bio dad does not want ot surrender his rights. This was the hardest decision for him to ever have to make..he's only agreeing to this because he wants what is best for the kids and wants them to be happy. But in surrendering his rights, he would still like to know the children. Bio dad is not trying to step on anyones toes, and has even said he would like to shake my husbands hand for raising the kids so well and being there for them. I dont understand why my husband feels like the adoption is not worth it anymore? I still want it to happen and so do the kids.
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Your husband may seem stand-offish about it all, but I understand where he's coming from. As a step-parent myself, every time my husband's ex is mentioned as my son's mom, it's like a slap in the face. He most likely feels that he is their real dad, and when they talk about wanting to meet their bio dad, it is a reminder to him that they are not his bio children. It may seem selfish, but I understand where he's coming from, it almost makes him feel like he hasn't been a good parent since they want to find out about their bio. I would talk to him though and ask if he would be okay if the kids could at least get their questions answered, if it by letter or phone call. Remind him that it is not going to change his relationship with the kids, but it will at least give the kids a chance to know a little bit about their bio dad. Explain to him as well, that you and he can have an idea on any potential health problems that could face the children. If he is okay with it, ask the kids to write down their questions and either call or write the bio dad yourself. That way he can feel that he's still their dad, but they get their answers.