32 weeks pregnant - Unplanned pregnancy

Who says that the decision to become a mom should be based soley on rationality? Emotions have so much to do with it! If you are ready to parent, the emotions you feel for that little baby with give you the strength to do things you never thought you could. If your not ready then your emotion could turn to resentment and cause detachment. Age isn't what matters but maturity. M and I planned on getting pregnant with SN. We were young [18] and engaged. I was ready but turned out he wasn't. Got married before she was born and I was divorced 6 months later....and pregnant by another man. [NEVER do rebound relationships!] At the time I had no job, no license and SN & I were sleeping in my parents' living room. SE's father wanted us to get married to "do the right thing". It wasn't the right thing for me. I needed to do what was best for both of my girls. For me that was giving SE to a couple who could give her what I couldn't even give to SN. It's not easy to figure out what is right for you and your baby. You are pretty far alone, which won't hinder finding a great family but you might want to look at how you are already attached to the baby. Is there that pure joy when you feel it move and kick? What do you think about when think of singing lulabies and rocking her to sleep? If you've already become attached then maybe you shouldn't make the decision because of what the father did. Single parenting isn't easy but it isn't impossible. I did it for the first 6 years then another 1 1/2 later on. I got my associates degree and have a pretty good life for us now. The feelings of abandonment may never go away but they will fade far quicker than the feelings of loss if you choose adoption. Doesn't mean adoption isn't the right answer [there really is no right or wrong answer], just something to consider.

Can I offer you a post I made on another thread? I'm a single mom (adoptive), so I have some idea about what being a single mom entails. Maybe my experience will give you some more ways to think things through, and come to the best of all possible decisions for you and your baby. I'm wishing you the very best of luck, and hoping that whatever you decide, that you're at peace with how things turn out.********************I'm not a birthmother, but I'm a single adoptive mom of a wonderful son I adopted from foster care. I've also parented 14 other kids through the foster care system. I couldn't ever tell you whether to parent or place---that's a really personal decision only you can make. But I will give you a few things to think about if you're contemplating being a single parent, or at least a parent without much support from your baby's father.Being a mom is the best job in the entire world. My son has brought me more joy that I could have ever imagined having. But being a single mom is also a ton of work. I think that being a good single mom means really committing to putting your child first, all the time---and that means making some tough choices.Are you prepared to commit fully and totally to another human being? To putting the baby's needs first, above your own wants and a lot of times in front of your own needs? That's the first and biggest thing you have to decide. Kids absolutely positively have to come first: in front of jobs, boyfriends, friends, everything. If they need you, you drop everything and go to them.Sometimes, that means giving up on a social life. I don't date much---I have to pick my little boy up at daycare by 6, and he has to be in bed by 8 to get up for kindergarten in the morning. Babysitters are incredibly expensive, upwards of $10 an hour. Family and friends will sometimes babysit for free, but I don't know very many single moms who get free babysitting every week if they aren't living with family. For me, it means that I just don't get out much. I don't mind--I'd really rather be hanging out with my son playing Monopoly Junior or building Legos, but if you really value your social life, you should know that a baby will cut into it.Are you ready for a huge upswing in the amount of time you spend doing chores? I can't figure out why, since they're so little, but having a kid dramatically increases the amount of laundry you do! I also cook real dinners for us (when I was alone I just grabbed a burrito or made a sandwich), which means planning menus, doing the shopping once a week, cooking and cleaning up each night. It doesn't sound like much, but it adds up to a lot of hours.Do you have the job flexibility to leave your job if your child gets sick? They do, and often. You either need the flexibility to go home if you need to, or a really good backup plan for a babysitter for a sick kid. Daycares won't let them in when they're ill, and if you are your family's sole economic support, you have to make sure you don't lose your job if you need to be home.Do you have a good support network, people you can blow off steam with? As much as we love them (and it's a lot!), kids can be frustrating. You need to have a way to deal with any upset or frustration you have without taking it out on your kid. Is being with your child really, truly, amazingly important to you? I love being with my son---he's a wonderful, wacky, funny kid and I admire his strength and his creativity. I carve out time away from other things (social life, hobbies, travel) to be with him. Are you the kind of person who would want to hang with your kid?Is having a lot of money really important to you? Single parenting causes a HUGE financial impact. You can't work overtime. You might not be promoted as fast, since you can't devote as much energy to the job as somebody with no kids or somebody with a stay-at-home wife can. Statistics show that single parent families are the most likely to be in poverty--and that is because we just can't be as career focused as people with more help and more resources are. If you need to be rich, single parenting makes it a lot harder. (I have a pretty good job, but I could be making scads if I took the time I spend with my son and devoted it to work. Luckily, money's not super important to me. We have enough, and I'm very glad of it, but it's definitely not luxury living).I'm not saying any of this to scare you off. If you can parent your child, that is the best possible option. But I think it's important to be realistic about the enormous task that single parenting is, and to be totally committed to making it your top priority in life. If you are---wonderful! If your kid is the most important thing in your life, you can work the rest of the details out as you go. But if you don't think you can prioritize your child, you might be better off placing him or her with a family that is in a better position to focus their lives around a small kid.

For me, there WAS joy, but now whenever someone mentions the arrival of the baby, I'm reluctant to say anything about it. It's like I've reclusive about the whole idea. I don't want to think about...it's just emptiness. I'm just unable to see the joy of being a single mother. I also yearn security. I crave for that feeling that I'll always have a husband/father of the child to go to when I need to make decisions in life, etc. I want to have children, but for me I feel that I can only truly embrace motherhood if I had the security that there will be the father to go to and experience the journey with. I have a great support network - friends and family, but for me, it still doesn't provide that security that a husband/father of the child will. I want to be able to depend on my partner and have someone to help me out for the rest of my life, the thought of someone depending on me, with me having no one to go to for the rest of my life makes me feel vulnerable and insecure about the whole idea. Another thing is, I have yet to begin and complete my university degree. I plan on beginning that next year. I don't even have a job yet. My family have offered to help out, but for me, I wanted to be able to raise the child and be there for the child. But the fact that I'm dependent on my own parents to financially assist me, then how can the child depend on me? It makes me feel as if I'll have the title "the mother" but that's it. I've always had that vision of a perfect family - a loving husband and kids. The image of a 'lop sided' family - me and the child only makes me terrified to the extent that sometimes I wish that none of this has happened at all. I understand that no one knows what the future will bring, and that I might one day find a loving husband who will love me and the child. But the thought of being left raising a child all by myself when the first (at least) 5 years of the child's life where I'll be fully dependent on everyone elses' help makes me terrified of the whole situation. I mean at times I wish that this baby never existed inside of me...this makes me question whether I'm really ready to be a single parent.

Welcome to the forums. I hope you are able to find the support you need here. Adoption.com is not a matching site. It is against our rules for anyone to contact you wishing to adopt your baby. If anyone contacts you please let either myself or another mod know. Those who solicite run the risk of being banned.

You know, you said there 'was' joy and now there's emptiness. Doesn't that suggest that your response is being based on external factors that are happening in your life? The partner leaving, the fear of single parenthood, the fear of depending on others... all normal fears that can be overwhelming when you are bringing a life into this world. If you felt joy once, you can find joy again with this pregnancy. I guess you choose to make a choice and find the happiness, the excitement, the honour that this baby chose YOU to be his/her mother... Look for the joy. Of course unplanned parenthood forces you to re-evaluate where your life is going. It takes away choices you still thought you had. It may make life tougher than you thought it would be. It's changed your life plan - same as a car accident or winning the lotto could have done. BUT, you can make a choice about embracing what life has thrown your way and finding a new path or you can deny yourself an opportunity to parent your beautiful baby because it wasn't in your life plan BEFORE you became pregnant and father walked off. Your life will never be the same because this baby is on the way - your future is as the mother to this baby - or not. By giving this child up, you are also choosing a life of loss and grief - honestly, it is. So, your life plan is changed regardless. To think you can start over with new partner, children to that partner, all roses with the picket fence - forget it! You'll also be living with the life-long loss of your first baby - hardly joyous. Sometimes people get married, have kids and the marriage fails. There is no "get out of jail free" card then. Can't give the kids back and start over, you jsut get on with it, I'm sure you would. Sometimes partners get sick and die. Sometimes partners abuse. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, life just doesn't give us the security and life plan we think, need or expect. It's how we respond to these crises that matter. Please don't think that if you have this baby it means you're a single parent for ever. In fact, that is probably highly unlikely. Many single parents end up marrying the love of their life soon after choosing to parent, and having more children... and living happy, secure, stable lives thereafter. Single parenthood does not mean the end of the world - in fact, far from it. Life goes on, you grow, learn, fall in love, mature.... it's a journey and this baby is part of your journey now. Regarding your studies, there are many, many options open to you. Single parents can and do study and work - very successfully. LIFE DOES NOT STOP because baby arrives, just makes it a little more challenging to organise. This pregnancy and baby is making you reconsider all the plans you had for your life and how it would proceed. Throw them out the window and start from scratch and include baby in those plans. You can still achieve what you want, you just need the tenacity and belief in yourself to do this. Please make a choice about being this babys mother and then find your way forward. You are obviously intelligent, articulate and clever. Use those skills to look at how you can parent your baby. Just because you're feeling overwhelmed by the pregnancy and wishing it didn't happen hardly makes you unworthy of being this babys mother. In fact, it makes you more worthy because it shows how seriously you have considered the needs of the baby (wanting to be home with it for first 5 years) and how much you realise being a mother is a huge commitment. Chuck out the rose colored glasses about how your future was going to look and begin again with the baby in the picture. Give yourself some peace. It's okay to depend upon people for first 5 years - such a short term over the lifespan - will be gone in the blink of an eye and you'll be glad your family and friends could be there for you. Many women don't even have that option, so utilise it to your advantage. How lucky for you and babe to have this support. Please seek an independent grief counsellor (NOT an adoption counsellor - they are totally biased) to help you work through the issues of abandonment of the father of the baby. You can still heal sufficiently from that trauma to be the mother of this baby. Please don't give up baby, you honestly sound like you have the intellect, warmth and tenacity to be a parent to this baby. Living with a life of loss and grief is hardly a walk in the park. I really believe that with some good counselling and full exploration of your feelings, you can have and care for this baby. Before you know it, he/she will be at school, you'll be finishing off your education and you'll wonder how you could ever have imagined saying goodbye to your precious baby. Here in Australia, adoption is rarely even heard of as an option to unplanned pregnancy. It's stories like yours that make me realise how happy I am that it doesn't get onto the agenda. Women just believe in themselves and their capacity to nurture and get on with it. No-one throws the adoption option in their faces so it just doesn't happen. All the best. You've got a lot to think about and not very long to consider (don't rush any decisions). Have the baby and take all the time you want and need to make the decision. I'm sure you'll fall in love with your son or daughter as soon as you look in their eyes - and you'll find your way forward. You just will - you'll know what the right decision is. Let emotions rule all the way - that's what being a mother's all about. I hope you keep your baby but certainly understand if you can't find the strength or the way forward and choose adoption. There's a lot of pressure in your country (assuming USA) for adoption, so I really feel for you. Enough waffling, all the best. Let us know how you go. :love:

All I can do is speak from my experience - and its a different story from yours, but I hope it helps you. When I was pregnant with Ds1-and-only I had hyperemesis and was extremely sick to the point I could have died from dehydration/starvation (literally). Im married and all that, but being so sick really challenged me. Pregnancy required me to be completely selfless, I simply couldn't face the option of an abortion. The kicks made me realise in a small way that there was life in there... a little consolation after a long wait to get to that stage, but it still didn't feel real. I spoke to my doula (birth worker) towards the end of my pregnancy as I was getting really low. I was so afraid that I had been through so much, to be ended by some traumatic birth experience (according to what people said) and 6 weeks or so of hell and sleepless nights. She didn't reassure me, she said maybe I would feel that way, but she also said maybe I wouldn't. Well it turned out that my birth experience was amazing. Though hard it was nothing like my pregnancy and in the same breath as being hard it was exquisite. What an awesome experience! The first 12 weeks when I look back were incredibly hard on my body especially after all I had been through, but because of all I had been through I found this strength within me to cope and to be an awesome mother. Knowing that I sacrificed a lot for my son gives me the confidence to know that I am a good mother and that means a lot to me and gives me strength so I can keep enduring through the tough days and nights. When I was in the midst of those weeks I fell in love with my son. More as the days and weeks went by. All the birth homones made me warm and fuzzy. :love: In fact I love the night feeds more than the day feeds... Hearing his little gulp gulp gulp while he holds my finger in his tiny hand and rests his mini foot on my thigh. Thats what life is about. If you are unsure then I would suggest that you wait until after the birth to decide. When I first saw my baby it felt like it was someone elses moment in a way. Like "Oh this is the bit of the movie where she pulls the baby up and sees him for the first time..." but the birth experience itself was a bonding experience for me. Having experienced all this amazing stuff though, if you aren't at a place where you can face that sacrifice and still feel rewarded, then Im sure you can find a loving family for you little one to become 'theirs'. xo

With your family willing to help I think you can do this. I came from a big family. We had many different situations. My sister(the youngest of all of us kids) was pregnant at 17. I remember she was very scared. My parents were not happy (she was the only girl that had a baby out of wed lock) but my parents were there for her. Her boyfriend was in jail at the time. He never held down a job before. He got out of jail and was there when my sister had the baby then ran off. She kept her little girl. She did finish school and went on to college just like she was planning before. My sister ended up pregnant again about 4 years later by someone else. He was just like the first guy. He left shortly after he found out. Then later jail. Same thing no job and stealing. My sister and the first father got back together. He was there for the other mans baby when my sister had that little girl. Now they been together for over 5 years and they have a 2 year old son. He finally grew up but he last the first years of his little girls life. I don't know you and all your situations but my sister was a very selfish person and I never thought she would be ready. When her baby came her motherly instincts kick in, and she was a good mother to her baby. She did do it again by having another baby but she came through it. Well now she has three children and is doing great. He has a good job, and She is getting to stay home with her kids. She did work but decided to stay home. Having a baby is scary and should be happy time. I have 6 kids and even though they were all planned, I had very easy delivers, and great kids one after the other. I always worried and wondered about something. It's very emotional. We got married when I was 18, my husband 19. We decided to have children right away. We had our first a 11 months later, then 16 months after the first, then 18 months later and so on to 6 kids. So I was only 19 with my first. He was in the army so we had no family to help if we needed it. The first child is scary and hard to think about when you are married, and so I'm sure being single there is much more. I remember wondering and worrying about labor and deliver, never really holding a newborn, if we will be good parents, if I will be I good mother, Will I really be able to wake up in the middle of the night( I did by just a move in her little body or a little suck on her fingers never a cry. My husband thought that was amazing how I could hear it from the crib by our bed in my sleep. I was amazed too), the want ifs, the baby stuff, the money, and the car(is it safer then most, is it real big enough). Your mind can go crazy even when the baby is planned or unplanned. My husband parents were divorce before he was a year old. His dad wasn't around anymore. At 22 my mother in law still went to college, had a good job, and her family helped her. My husband would still say the best time he had growing up was when it was just him and his mom. She ended up having another child when he was 5. When he was 7 she was married again. Then his mom and step dad had two children. He was happy to have all of them but he loved when it was just him and mom. He remembers his grandparents were a big part of his life and the daycare he went to when his mom was at work or college. To him they didn't have much but they had each other. He still says it was great. You will have a social life but it will be different. You will get to know other mothers. Hang out with them and their child at the park or do many other fun things and go places that only having a child can make it more fun. I can't tell want your future will be. Just take your time and think about it. If your family is there for you is that enough for you? Can you live with adopting your baby out? Seeing other children on the street, other mothers out with their babies. If you do get married and have another child how will you feel if you adopt this one out? I have heard of this before of birth mothers getting married a year or two later and wish they can back up and bring that baby back in to their life. How does your family feel about this?(they will lose apart of them too) I know my parents were happy abortion wasn't option for my sister (pro-life family) and my sister didn't want to adopt the child out. Some people was very worried about if she could be a mother, go to school and have a good life for this child.They told her and my parents that maybe adoption should be considered. My mom couldn't tell her that was a good idea because it was her grand baby. She didn't want the child to a raised by someone else that was not family and not be able to seeing the child. Its great that you are looking at your future and this little babies future too. That does show something about you. Enjoy your baby inside you! It may not be the best time for you but the little life will change the world for you(adopted or not). Enjoy it and the little kicks it gives you. The child was not in your plan but his or her life was not a mistake. If you keep this child that will be great if your ready but who is ever really ready for a baby. It's life changing. The first one, the second one, and so on. Each one is life changing. You never feel quite ready until you hold that baby. Until you get into the real life daily routine of caring for a baby. Then you realizes you can do it or for some you can't. Labor and deliver is a big scare in first time mothers and even with the next you can't help the what ifs. If you do go for adoption make sure you are really ready for that. Don't do it out of so much fear and sadness. Don't think of staying on your life plan of husband first because husband first, divorce next could happen. What if you get married and he can't have children, or something happen to you and you can't. A Plan can change fast. Like this little one coming at these time in your life. Look and see if your plans can put a baby in there. The emptiness will be there for that child if adopted out. I really don't know much about adoption we are just considering making your family bigger. I'm new here and just came across you thread just felt I need to write this to you. Never done this before. My sister felt abandoned too and she did it. My mother-in-law felt the same abandonment and she raised a great son. He says its from the years with just having it be only him and his mother. He is right. She got him off to a great start in life just reading to him and all the time she had and her family had with him he soaked it up. I'm the type at is all about marriage first but things happen. Your child is not a mistake no child I feel is. God made your child for a special reason. Yours to keep or not he will come in a few weeks and change someones world forever. Good luck! Hope you the best! Take time and think about it. Talk about it with your family. Try to enjoy the little one in there. Your the only thing he or she needs right now. Just remembered. Another sister of mine had a friend that had a baby at 18 or 19. She tried to kept her but after a month she realized she couldn't and she did open adoption. I almost forgot about this I was only 13 or 14 when I went with my sister to this girls house and saw the empty crib. My sister knew she had a baby and I did not it was a shock for me. I can't remember if my sister knew the baby was adopt out. I remember her friend crying but said she knew the child will be better off and she tried.The baby was just adopt 3 weeks before. Wow that was over 15 years ago. It was the right choice for her. That was a great thing she did for her child. She knew and she tried and give with her heart the right choice. I remember she was a very good, nice and smart friend of my sisters(One I remembered I liked). My parents and the younger of us kids moved after this so I don't know about her anymore. My sister I think is still friends with her. I should ask my sister sometime. It may not hurt to even try. I don't know if this is a good idea for everyone. I don't think you will ever know if you don't. Like I said before things change when you have a baby. It may work out or it may not. Make the right choice for you and your baby. Look at what you have and the people that want to help and see if you can do this as a single parent. If not be true to yourself and make sure he or she goes to a good home you want him in. Didn't mean to go on so long. I don't know if me telling you this helps but I hope the best for you and your little one. Try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and even the labor and delivery its the only first you'll get. For me labor and delivery was the best part. Of course I had my babies all in less then an hour of feeling the contractions expected the first she was a little longer but it was amazing. Take in the moment of giving life. Relax it will be OK! ___________________________ 3 BOYS :grouphug: 3 GIRLS :grouphug: maybe more by adoption??? :clap: :flower: I LOVE MY FAMILY:flower:

I think what everyone has said about letting your emotions guide you is good advice. Your child will know if he/her is wanted. Search your soul and you will know which direction to head.

The fact that your family is being supportive is a huge plus. I know that this is not waht you envisioned and the whole idea of a husband, being married with the white picket fence is a nice one, but the reality is that you have baby growing in you now. I understand your fears, but remember people places, things, finances all change. Relinquishing your baby for adoption is PERMANANT for what could be a TEMPORARY set of circumstances. Who says you cannot go on to get a degree, marry and have a husband and still keep your baby? My suggestion is this, ultimately this decision is 100% yours alone to make, but why not go ahead and have your baby, take him home and parent him before making a decision to place him. I like what another oster had said in a different thread about adoption no having an "expiration date". You can always decide after, then at least you will know that you tried, right now you can only speculate of what it might be like based on what you envisioned that you thought you should have. It can and does work. There are tons of single parents that do this. I just want to share with you about when I gave birth to my firstborn. Yes I was married and had what people would consider the ideal circumstances to bring a baby into. However the second my baby was placed in my arms, nothing and no one else mattered. The "things" I had or did not have, my husband(as much as I love him) didn't matter or anything else. This baby was mine and the sky could have fallen down he was my world and I felt as though I could conquer anything for this baby. It just came over me and in all honesty I had my babies later in life so I did have some fears, but let me tell you that fear was not in my vocabulary that day. It was me and my baby and anything was possible and it has only gotten better since I went on to have 2 more shortly there after.. EZ

It is good that you are thinking things through. I would recommend an open adoption.

All of the feelings and thoughts you are having are valid so I don't say this to undermine any of that. But I do want to say that being "the mother" is the most important job anyone in the world could have. Have you heard the recent song "The Fear"? Its so true that our society devalues what is truly important. I'm glad I never wasted time and money on a uni degree. Now I'm a mum and I don't have a house to pay off, I don't have the burden of all these excessive standards to live up to and continue to have, so I can keep breastfeeding my son and be a consistent loving force in his life.

[ Sweetheart, you are most certainly asking some very real questions, and making some very real statements! I am a firstmom, so will try to answer in my own life, of what happened. I relinquished, and have NEVER gotten over it, some will tell you in time you will, but once you give birth, you are a mother...just a mother without a child...when you relinquish. You are way too hormonal to get past anything, at this time, and your hormones will not subside for up to6 months and sometimes longer...after you give birth. You mention, you cannot get over the feelings of abandonment, the life choice you make when you relinquish...will be the life you have chosen for your child, and THAT CHILD may very well NEVER get past abandonment issues.... just a fact! Only you can make this choice...no-one else! Just be cautioned, once you sign, and no matter what you are promised...it is forever, and nothing can legally change that! I hope somehow you can take your baby home for a while...just to make darn sure, this is what is best...and then KNOW it is what is best for YOU, not your baby. There is NO time limit to relinquish...NONE. Unless of course you are a danger to your child, and know in your heart you cannot parent the way a child needs...food, love, a roof over its head...and LOTS of Love, but the baby only needs its own mother..nothing else, JMHO, Blessings in your decsion....for I am one whom still feels grief, shame and guilt...23 yrs. later...C.J.:grouphug:

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