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I am a confused birthmother. My reunion with my son fell apart after 1 year. There was alot that went wrong, but one big thing was my son's addictions and me letting him use me. I supported him and his family for 6 months no questions asked (he's 28), and that put a real strain on my relationships with my other children, my husband, and my pocketbook. There was a big blow up with his crazy cuckcoo wife and after that he told me the relationship was severed, to never call him, never contact him or his family again. So the whole thing fell apart and then he called my work and essentially got me fired (long long story). He tried to get me kicked out of my house by also calling my landlord but she didn't fall for his lies. So at that time, which by the way was only 5 weeks ago, I was like-that's it, I don't have another son, he's not my son, how could he do this to me, I have to forget about him (Uh, yeah right-as we know that is virtually impossib le!) . I was and still am so very hurt by his actions. Here is the thing, he called my husband this last week because he only had my work cell and of course i don't have that anymore so my husband told him-never call here again, you are out of our lives, leave us alone, don't ever call again. Then today my son called my brother in law (my husband's brother) and left him a message saying that he needed some information. So my husband called his brother and said, tell him to f off-he is dead to us. But really to me he isn't dead to me, I was really upset and said that but now I don't feel that way anymore. I would like and deserve some answers from him, but more than anything I want to hear his voice. I will never ever let him use me again, but I am his mother, I ache for him, even with all the crappy things he did to me. If somehow we can repair our relationship, that would be such a gift to me. I feel like if God can forgive him, who am I to not allow him that same forgiveness? Now all I can think about is-is he ok? does he need me? what is going on? And my husband kind of knows I want to hear from him but I am trying my hardest to not say anything and it is killing me. Even my 19 yr old daughter said, well, if he can explain himself to you and you are ok with it, and if he can actually act like a 28 year old, I want him to be my big brother. My husband would absolutely die if he knew she thought this. I just don't know what to do. I know he can find me if he really tries. I've emailed him but he did not respond, he has changed his phone number, and now I feel like maybe writing him a letter?? Does anyone have any input on this situation for me??
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Your son is a drug addict, plain and simple. And I don't think you're going to be able to have a good, solid relationship with him until he decides to give up the drugs for good. He's being extremely manipulative right now, and it sounds like this whole situation has spiraled out of control.
Have you considered joining AlAnon, the 12-Step counterpart to AA? The folks there will help guide you through this difficult time.
There comes a time when dealing with loved ones who are drug addicts and/or alcoholics that we have to "let go and let God". You cannot fix your son - he is the only one who can decide if he will recover from his addiction or not. But you can fix your own responses to him...and that's where AlAnon can help.
I know it's really frightening to have an adult child who is acting out so horribly. There was a time period when I didn't know if my own son would live long enough to "bottom out" on his drug of choice. To be honest, we almost lost him. I think that kid came as close to a living death on crystal methamphetamine as a person can get without actually dying. I had to resist the temptation to enable him, and I had to get tough with him. At the same time, I had to trust God and believe that He had a plan for my son...and He did. DS has been clean and sober now for almost 15 years, a true miracle.
Hang in there, and look into going to an AlAnon meeting. You'll meet a lot of people struggling with the same problems. :loveyou:
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I will "second" everything Raven said.
My brother is an addict. We've had a front row seat to his addiction for 12 years.
I love my brother with all my heart. I mourn the man he could have become...But I am a realist - I've learned to "deal" with who he HAS become.
He has been clean for a while now, but it's a daily struggle...and unfortunately, he has mental issues that add a whole other layer to his struggles. Needless to say, he is not able to sustain a functioning relationship with anyone including my parents, to whom this has taken a huge toll on. They are shells of the people they used to be - as strong/tough as they've been with him, the things they've born witness to has really changed who they are.
You may want answers/explanation from your son, and are certainly entitled to them...But if he is still using, chances are the "answers" will be manipulation, excuses and lies.
Stay strong...go to the meetings like Raven suggested. Addiction is a wicked road, and one that's not easily navigated.
I third what the other ladies have advised. As long as your son is using, there will be drama and havoc in your life. It won't be a "real" relationship, but one based in lies and manipulation, not to mention destruction. He's already gotten you fired, almost got you evicted, really, how much more do you want to take? IMO, this has already cost you too much. Are you willing to have this ruin more of your life, potentially ruining your marriage and relationship with other children? I know you love your son, we all love our children. HOWEVER, loving them does not mean we allow them to treat us this way. You cannot fix or change your son. Only he can do that work. Whether or not he will, only time will tell. Have you thought about getting counseling to help you sort through all this?
Wow, you ladies are just wonderful. Thanks, justpeachy for being blunt with me. You are right, I am not willing to have him ruin more of my life. My husband has drawn the line in the sand, so to speak, for my own good. If my son wants to contact me, really wants to talk to me, then he can find me. He knows my name, all the family, etc., it's not like before when he didn't know who anyone was or where they lived. I would be so so surprised if he was not using again. My feeling is he has screwed up again and may be reaching out because for the last year i'm the one who always ran to his aid. Yes, I was in therapy for like 5 months but now that i'm unemployed, that is just not an option. My therapist would pretty much tell me what all you all are telling me. As for AlAnon, I just don't have the energy for it because I feel kind of like then I'm working on my relationship with him and right now there is none. I would rather start up my therapy again when I'm working. I am right now just in a hold pattern and I just know something will be happening soon with him and I'm trying to kind of gear up for it because I cannot handle his abuse and manipulation again but he knows one look in his eyes and I am usually toast. This is so hard because I want the relationship but you know what, I'm not going to push it, if it comes again, then it does. But I'm going to try and have my eyes wide wide open this time. Thanks again
This is so hard because I want the relationship
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This sounds like my story. After five years in reunion, it was time to say farewell for good. He stole my pain pills following a surgery, got high a great deal of the time when visiting, plus the fact that he always was able to manipulate me through guilt. It is sad but I have accepted it. My husband threw him out as well as my other children. I will never see him again...I am so sorry that I agreed to this in the first place as it was the biggest mistake of my life. The disruption of my family was not worth the heartache. I just hope he can stay clean and sober and lead a productive life with his surviving adoptive family.
Lasvegasmom, I am sad to hear this, yet again, you are dealing with a very sick person...your son. He has learned to manipulate, and use you for what it is he can get. You state yourself, you cannot help but wonder if he is okay, needs your help, or needs you...of course he does, he can get end results from you...$$$$! I cannot agree anymore than with what these gals have tried to suggest to you...you need as much help as he does.....by ENABLING, you are doing the same as putting drug of choice to his mouth..no more and no less. His life is toxic to you, your other children, and most definately your husband! So one has only to ask themselves....is his addictions (not him) worth ALL the rest of your relationships with your family? What are you telling your other children by enabling? What message is being sent to your husband. My opinon, AA, a letter explaining you must step back, take time away until he gets help, then when he is clean, healthy, and HIMSELF(GOD GIFTED), then he may contact you so as to see where to begin anew! You are only infusing toxicity into your family...of which they do not deserve! I do not mean any disrespect, but you must get some sort of help, therapy...call county health dept. they will defray any cost, until you are once again working...do not allow this guilt, and fear you are carrying, take your family away! Blessings...I will say a special prayer for you...C.J.
AMEN....You are right on the money with your statement to "confused birthmother." Enabling...I did the same out of guilt for the adoption placement and also due to the predisposition to this disease...I hurt my family and myself. My prayer for him is that he finds help to stay clean and sober...I really did not know the real person behind the addiction
Funny how fast things change. My son called me well actually called my husband about a week after I wrote this post. He was crying and inconsolable about things he had done. I was suspect to say the least. We spoke for about an hour, most of that time he was crying and telling me how much he loves me, how sorry he is for all the havoc he has wreaked on our lives. I told him how much he hurt me, how horribly he acted. He told me he was so upset with himself that he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror because we look so much alike. I told him he really hurt me, and that I did not know when I could ever trust him again. I told him he would have to earn my trust, but that I loved him, always loved him, and we could try-just the two of us-to start to mend this relationship. I told him not to ask me for anything other than my love and we can start to work things out, get stronger, build a good base, and then slowly he could work on the relationships with his sister and brother and my husband. I told him baby steps, and he agreed. We have been speaking about every other day since then, talking about big things and little things, and everything in between. This time, I set the boundaries instead of having no boundaries, I set some. I told him that what happened in the past could never ever happen again, that hello remember I am your mom even if I didn't raise you, I am your mom. He is responding, he is off drugs (thank god), still has some issues, but he just reached out to his sister but I told him only call her if you are ready to be her big brother because that is what she wants, not some crazy drug addict. He understands the damage he has done, I am being wary of this new relationship but it feels different and real and good finally. I truly believe THIS is the relationship we were meant to have, that this is the relationship that will last and will complete my family instead of pulling us all apart.
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I'm glad your son has stopped using the drugs. Is he being proactive, though, in his recovery? Is he attending 12-Step meetings, for example? So many addicts think that just kicking the drugs and staying off them for a couple weeks means that they're now clean and sober. If they aren't active in their recovery and working on staying clean, they usually fall back to their drug of choice within a month or two. Most of the success stories I've seen happen when addicts and/or alcoholics join A.A. or similar programs.
Before my son finally got serious about recovering from drug addiction, we went through a period of several years of the "revolving door" to various rehabs. Watching him relapse was heartbreaking, infuriating, and frustrating. It's also part of the disease... He wasn't able to fully commit to his own recovery until he got to the point where he wanted it for himself, not just because his parents and I wanted it for him.
I guess I'm sharing this with you because of the chance that your son may just be "on the wagon". I'm hoping that he's getting help for his addiction/alcholism because it's almost impossible to get clean and sober all on your own. Drug addiction and/or alcoholism has nothing to do with willpower...it's a disease.
I agree with Raven.
It took YEARS for my brother to get clean - scratch that. It took over a decade; and even now, even though he's been clean for almost a year, it is a daily struggle. One small thing can pull him back to his addiction. And like Raven said, he is pro-active in his recovery.
I don't want to discourage you or sound negative...but there are SO many times when we felt just like you. Where we were sure this was "the time".
I pray your son is getting better. It's such a difficult road, and one not easily conquered.
Just wanted to echo everyone else. Be careful. The crying andremorse may or may not be authentic, unfortuanly I beleive that that is part of the drug addicted personality. It just may be the start of his recovary and not the end of it. Drug addication is a horrible thing. I don't beleive the real person emerges for quite a while. I think there is lots of drama, acting, and duplicty. I aslo beleive thats its all based on the drug not on who he really is. It is so sad. Good luck.