I'm going to need adoptee's help on this one so please respond

Sparky7, If you feel this way then why would you create the post? Kind regards,Dickons

Hi Rachel, I agree with all of what Sheababy said, but I'd like to add a few other thoughts. As an adoptee, all I've ever wanted was the truth about my birthparents--even if it's painful--and I think your daughter will someday appreciate knowing the truth about her father, whatever that truth may be...especially if that truth comes from you, her birthmother, in a gentle, loving way! I understand your anger towards her birthfather (I'd be angry, too!!), but please share that anger with us and not with Aria or her adoptive parents. Let her decide how she feels about him, if and when the time comes, and just love and support her in whatever she decides. Finally, I'm not sure how close you are with your daughter's adoptive parents, but if you feel comfortable doing so, I would suggest to them that they tell her that she's adopted NOW, and begin explaining what that means in age-appropriate terms. My (adoptive) parents told me from the moment they brought me home as an infant that I was adopted and how very special I was to them because they had always wanted to have children. Even before I could understand what it meant, I would toddle around the house, pigtails bouncing, sing-songing, "Adopted! Special!" I never had that identity-shaking moment of revelation that other adoptees who found out about the adoption as older children had, and I am so, so thankful for that. Hope this was at least a little helpful. Keep your chin up--your daughter is lucky to have you in her life!!! :)

Personally, I don't understand what you have to do with this. Is he coming to you and asking about her? To me, each birthparent is a separate issue. You can't "fix" anything for your bdaughter. It's not up to you. As a reunited adoptee, I don't think that it is either of my bparents responsibility to compensate or "cover" for the other. Since your daughter is adopted she will have her own issues to deal with, and while having you in her life and having some of those questions answered, it still doesn't guarentee that there won't be more questions she has or that it will erase all the feelings she's going to feel. She will have to deal with them in ways that work for her. You can't see into the future and make everything "okay." Hopefully she has supportive parents and will have enough good self-esteem to be able to deal with any of her issues in a healthy way.

I just realized what that said. Is this about her, or you? I am picking up on the notion that because he doesn't respond to your bdaughter the way he does others that it is somehow because of you. You are speculating. He may not know HOW to be in an open adoption. He may not be able to be in an open adoption..it might be too difficult for him. Regardless, I doubt it has anything to do with her being CRAP or DEFECTIVE because you mothered her!!!!! Afterall, he had sex with you in the first place....so I think you can quit thinking about those things....they are just a pit of lies.

I hope you don't mind a birthmom chiming in here. When your daughter is older, she may or may not want to find her birthfather. You don't need to explain anything to her. I would say, if she asks about him, just give general info. If she wants to find him, give her his info and let her seek him out on her own. You really don't need to be in the middle of it. You also don't know in the future how reliable or unreliable he will be. You can't say for certain if he will be in and out of her life. That will be between your daughter and him at the time. Let her form her own opinions. I don't think it will be helpful for her if you tell her what a wonderful father he was to her brothers but that he couldn't be bothered to stay in her life. Why even put that opinion out there? Some things are better left unsaid. Let HIM answer for his own behaviour. If your daughter asks you "why did my birthfather not see me or why was he not part of my life?" you can simply say "I don't know, you will have to ask him." You should not feel like you have to answer for him.

I was involed at the time because i was the one that gave him pictures in the begining yes i did put myself on middle ground for the a parents and for him. When i said he parents his other kids i was really angry and upset but it's the truth. The whole reason i posted this thread was so find out if when aria grows up she'll want to find him and from what everyone says it could be yes. Everything that I have said hasnt been months ok this stuff is very recent so yes my daugther never see's it but i am angry sick and done. So i wrote a letter explaining to him that since he has access to the info on her adoptiveparents he needs to go and do this for himself and all the power to him. I was thinking mostly in the future so i could figure out in my own way on how to go about it. Thanks for those who replied gave me alot to think about but i'll worry about it later it might change from whats going on right now so we'll see.

Please make sure that you have all the info on him that you can possibly get. Correct birth name, nickname, SS# if possible, birthdate, birthplace, parents names, siblings names, childrens names, any and all that will help identify him in 30 years.

Its hard to say whether she will want to know her Birthdad or not. I was adopted at birth and knew nothing about either one of my birthparents till 2 weeks ago when I recieved my adoption information. The story that goes with my mom is that she has been in and out of jail, into drugs and alcohol and isnt very reliable. As for my dad, well he wanted nothing to do with me when he found out my mom was pregnant. He left town the day after he found out. When I found this out I decided I never wanted to meet him because if he really cared he would have helped my mom through the adoption process. Although your story may be alittle different, the main overall story is the same. Birthdad isn't in the picture. Anything you could tell the child would be great(if you think thats whats right) but in the end she will have to make the choice and she has lots of time to do that. I would suggest that you maybe not tell her to much till she is at least 15 or so because im 18 now and what I learned was hard and im a pretty mature person. Good luck with everything in the future : )

I know my dad took off and i wanted to know about him. He is a jerk but i had to find that out on my own. I feel so bad because sometimes i feel like i have failed her so much. I thought he would be the type of guy who would at least support and help me since he has children but no he couldnt deal and i was left in the dust. I just wanted her to know all her heself and yeah her dad is including in that. But it was not ment to me.

It could be too that the Bdad feels that your bdaughter already has parents and doesn't really know what to do. It sounds like you are angry at him for letting you down. and not being there for you. As for your bdaughter, I am an adoptee that always knew I was adopted. My bmom went to her grave without letting me know she was my bmom(and I knew her all my life) and never telling wh my bdad was. Honestly, I really never wanted to search for either bparents but was forced to because of medical history. It can go either way for our bdaugghter, but as long as she has information as to who he is, that is all that matters. If she does want to search, at that point it would be up to bdad to explain, not you. As long as you are willing to be there if your bdaughter ever wants a relationship with you, that is all that matters. Your not responsible for his feelings. It would be different of you were parenting your bdaughter together and he was doing for his other children and not yours, but he probably feels like he does not have to participate in her life because she has aparents. EZ

yeah i was angry at him i'm sorry but i was all alone in this so yeah it really hurt. but i have tried to get over the hurt and pain a day at a time. i have gotten my closure with him and whatever he wants to do with his life is really up to him its none of my concern anymore. i just want to be a good birthmom for my daugther she is my main focus. but i did want to know what adoptee thought about serching for one of there birthparents if they had one in her life and now i know.

SPARKY, if I may, a firstmom here, you are carrying too much guilt on top of the guilt of relinquishing...JMHO. Please do not worry so, for we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. Your daughter , it sounds like, will be just fine, and your daughter is the ONLY one who will know how she will or will not respond to meeting her firstdad. Please try to remember EACH child relinquished, is their very OWN PERSON. So how one person may or may not deal , is not an indication of how another person, may or may not deal. i have my own way of handling my journey, where each of the other firstmoms have their ow way. Please let go of that burden you are carrying for her firstdad, it is not your burden to carry. It is also not your story to tell, if/when that time comes...it is his. If my twin sons ever search me out, I will tell them only my truths, and nothing more. If they wish to know their firstdad, I will give them his contact, and he can tell his truth...but I carry a huge load of emotions, and cannot handle carrying his too. relax, remember we have only the here and now, do not be so wrapped up with worryingabout her firstdads, misdeeds. You do not need this, and she may never wish to know....enjoy being in your daughters life....you have no idea how much i with many other firstmoms, would give to be in your shoes...Open Adoption...to JUST see "our" child would be a miracle...enjoy her! Blessings C.J.;)

Your right. I need to let it go and i'm really trying i'm trying not to cross any bridges until i get to it. My girl is happy haethly and loved by many and i know just how lucky i am to experience that thanks for your words and everyone for there advice.

I am sure your daughter willl be at least curious about her father. Just as important - What about her siblings? Do they know about her? Will she know about them? Grandparents? Uncles aunts cousins? her entire family will be important to her was for me anyway getting names birthdates etc. now would be wise if you ask me.

I want her siblings to know about her but that is really up to jesse to provide that info because she is the only child i have so far his kids are her older brothers. I plan on telling her about my family as much as she wants to know but i never knew his side so again if she goes looking for it then i'll help as much as i can. I have no contact with him he choose not to write me he choose to end things no one forced him so yeah with him i really dont know.