Helping someone avoid losing their child to adoption. Weird Situation!

When I was pregnant with SE, my mother offered the same thing that you are. I would be under the same roof but she would take on whatever responsibility that I couldn't handle. I couldn't do that to my baby. They need stability form the moment they come into the world. Her aparents got there minutes after she was born and were the ones to hold her every day in the hospital. I never changed a diaper nor did I feed her the three days I was there with her. This baby deserves the same stability. It's the little one that needs to be considered first, not mom. And think of it from this perspective too.... You take baby, baby bonds fully with you, momis ready and takes baby back but baby doesn't bond the same with her....Now instead of mom missing baby but knowing baby is ok, mom may resent the lack of attachment. Could cause a whole other mess. Just my viewpoint...

I believe any woman thinking about an adoption plan or possibly parenting but doesn't think she can do it etc., really needs someone to help her see ALL available options to her and her child. Not just the one that sits right with you or anyone else. If it's finances that are holding her back, then it seems to me there are a lot of other ways to help her. If she does not want to parent for other reasons, then she needs to decide if adoption is the right answer for her child. Present her with unbiased options, because in the end, just because you personally do not trust adoption, doesn't mean it's the best or right decision for another. Certainly share your thoughts, but share all the other ones too. Every side of things should be discussed so she can make the best informed decision. Not only for herself, but for the baby.

If she is as unstable as you describe (and honestly, even if she were perfectly stable, but moreso because she isn't), I would not want to have some sort of loose arrangement with her around taking responsibility for her child. What if she can never care for this child? Or care for him/her in a way that is adequate?? It just sets you up for being taken advantage of, I think, and I don't see that it is good in the long run for this baby. It can also easily set up an enabling type of situation where as long as she has you to fall back on, she doesn't need to take responsibility. What were her reasons why she couldn't take care of the baby? Were they temporary reasons, or more long term issues? If temporary, like financial, I would point her to services that could help her. Certainly you could offer to babysit or nanny for her, or help her get a nursery set up, etc., that is one thing, but taking full responsibility for the child, I would be very leary of. The fact you are asking these questions shows you are having second thoughts about this. With good reason, I think. What was this woman's response when you said you would take care of her baby until she could? What does that even mean to her and to you?? Without any definite boundaries and no legal protection, I would be very concerned about such an arrangement. This woman needs options counseling. Unbiased options cousneling. And she needs to make up her own mind about what to do from there. as this is not your decision to make for her. I could throw out my opinion and say that making an adoption plan was best for me and my child, but that is just my feeling based on my circumstances and would not be helpful to her. In fact, even on this board, there are many times I feel adoption would be the best choice for certain emoms, but I wouldn't tell an emom that, because it would be my bias coming through. As strongly as you feel about being against adoption, it may very well be the best thing. Or not. But if your neighbor is not presented with all her options and knows what is available to her, how can she make a truly informed decision? I think it may be more helpful to her if you gave her info on services in your area that help single moms, reputable adoption agencies, etc. and tell her if she decides to parent her child, you will be available to help in terms of babysitting and such.

I think it is wonderful what you want to do for your friend but I agree with Suzie that you might consider being a nanny for the baby. Then if you want to help her financially for some of the needs for the baby that is something you can do for her. This way the baby and the mother will be together and your friend can get the assistance you are willing to give her. Just remember these are only suggestions as you work through this to help your friend.

If you think there will be a chance mom could parent at some point in the near future, perhaps you could obtain legal guardianship for now. Legal guardianship can be overturned at a late date should mom be able to parent. With legal guardianship, you would be able to act as the child's legal parent for all needed purposes. The big risk here, though, is that mom could decide to be no part of the child's life at all and then 6 years later come back to claim her and she could. That isn't necessarily good for the child. My grandson's mother didn't want to be a parent and doesn't like parenting. She does love her child but resents the demands of caring for him and though he is fed and washed and clothed, he is often emotionally neglected. She wanted to place him with family but her mother talked her out of it. I'm not sure that was the best decision. Anyway, legal guadianship is a route to explore.

What if Dad wants visitation? Will you take the baby on regular visits to the jail? What happens when Dad gets out of jail and wants custody? Embezzlement is a non-violent crime, so he might stand a good chance.If Mom is still "unfocused" he could at least get joint custody. Wouldn't a permanant, stable family be in the best interests of the child?

I think it is wonderful that you are wanting and willing to help this woman, but this plan is simply not fair to the baby. As others have said, that baby deserves stability. What happens if this woman decides that she only wants to parent when it is convient for her or what if she really does not want to parent at all? What happens if she agrees to let you have baby, you get attatched and baby attaches to you then one day she waltzes in and decides she wants baby back? That is not fair to this baby or you. The very best thing you can do is direct this woman to unbiased counseling so they can let her know her options. Right now any counsel you are giviing her IS biased. She deserves to know her options before she makes any kind of decision. If she doesn't want to parent, you cannot force her on the premsie that you will help her. It just doesn't work that way, I am sure you know that. EZ

There have been many good responses to your question...I would just add one more thing to think about...are you sure you are ready to care for a child 24/7 at this point? I am not saying that you are not ready or that you shouldn't think about it, but the daily work of raising a child can be very overwhelming at times, and if you are unsure of what your role will end up being (full-time mom, temporary care-giver, co-parent) it can be doubly difficult to surrender your life to the demands of a newborn. I know you want to help and I think you are asking yourself the right questions. But don't forget your own needs and limitations in all of this. PS I just re-read this and I hope no one misunderstands "surrendering your life to the demands of a newborn" I am an amom and I have gladly surrendered my "former life" to my son. I don't mean you don't have a life...I just mean that the child becomes the most important part of it, at least when the child is small.

personally this sounds like a bad idea. The arrangements sound so loose that there are a multitude of things that could go wrong. This baby NEEDS a home with stability. Not being passed back and fourth from person to person. if the mother wants the baby back and then a month later decides she wants to give it back to you adn then so forth and so on, that is NOT by anymeans good for the child or for you! that is going to be heartbreaking even if you dont plan on keeping the child longterm. Maybe you have had some experiences that arent the greatest with adoption, but that doesnt mean that every adoptive parent is evil and deliberately lies to the birthmother. i think she needs to talk to someone whom can counsel her on her options. I would be concerned about the situation with the father also. if he gets out of jail, that is his child whom he can take at any time if he wants to whether or not you want him too. Unless you have legal guardianship of that baby and he signs off, he can come to your house and walk out the door with that baby whenever he would choose too. it sounds like you really want to do the right thing here, but i would definetly think twice before just caring for someone's baby with no definete plan in place. It's not whats right for the child or for you. Good luck Rach

I think you are being wonderfully charitable - and if I could be in your shoes I would want to do the same as you, best FC

It's hard for me to know whether it could work out well or not. But do you mean that the baby will live with you 24/7? If so, then I think it is really important that you get some kind of guardianship paperwork done. There are so many things that you "need" to do with babies (tons of doctors' appointments, immunizations, getting on health insurance, etc.) that require you to have some authority to do decisionmaking. If you are offering free babysitting while the woman works, etc., then obviously it sounds just like you are a very nice neighbor! Also, if you don't have some kind of "legal" relationship with the baby, you really put yourself at risk. I remember a case a while back where a woman was caring for a friend's children and left the state with them when the mom wanted them back (apparently the mom was not a "great" character). Anyway, of course, the woman was charged with kidnapping, etc. (and you don't need to leave the state for that to happen). My personal opinion is that this is not a great situation for the baby. If the mother does not plan to parent, I think she should find parents for her child. But that's jmo, and obviously she had the right to do whatever she decides is "best."

I'll just say it, this is dumb. You state that the woman is in her 40's, seems off and gets herself into strange/dangerous situations. She is not making an adoption plan, but will give the child to someone?? Mental illness or drug/alcohol use come to mind as possibilities. Help this woman by immediately pointing her to a professional who can give her the counseling she needs for herself and the child. The alarm bells are ringing. There is no room for a LOL comment in what you have framed to be a truly frightening situation for a child.

I think its amazing you want to help but why do you feel a need to "save her from herself?"not all adoptive parents are like the ones you read about.adoption? You mention that you don't have childern, do you maybe want one but are unsure how to go about it? I think what you are trying to do is in one way selfless but it could also be about YOU. Your in my thoughts and prayers and remember to be honest about YOUR feelings and YOUR reasons for wanting to be so involved.:grouphug:

Hi,Your situation is not unique. I have a good friend, A, who was in a very similar situation. Her son (now in his 20's) was adopted. His first mother, S, was A's friend who sounds similar to your friend. When S's son was an infant, she was leaving him with A for long periods of time. Between the ages of 1-2 years, S disappeared for a 2 month and then a 5 month period of time.When the little boy was about 2.5 years, A confronted S with the fact that her son was calling A Mommie and needed stability. S agreed to a completely open adoption (the boy kept his full name).There were some bumps in the relationship, but all worked out for A's son. He is very successful and happily married. He has a good relationship with his first mother but does not call her Mom. He adores his Mom who raised him.I think that it depends on how much you trust your friend to keep your relationship on cooperative terms for the benefit of the child. Also, in the long term, I think it is not good for the child to allow her play "mommie" when you are the person who is providing the nurturing.Happy G'Ma

So, the initial situation was in March. I'm interested to hear how things worked out!