Perceptions between the 2 "sides"...

As a birthparent I walk the fine line of being one of my son's mother, but not his parent. I spent years trying to define a role for which there were no role models. Come to think of it I am still working on it.

That's the same sort of thinking that leads to people saying how "lucky" someone is to have survived a plane crash. I heard lots of that after the recent ditching in the Hudson and everyone walked away. Everyone said "Wow, they were lucky!" Where were the people saying "wow, how unfortunate that you were in a plane crash." In the foster parenting and foster/adopt discussions, I often see posts celebrating that a TPR finally was granted. I understand the centiment, but can't help thinking how sad it is that the parents failed so badly that it took a court to finally put an end to what should have been a lifetime of love and support from a parent.

Joe, I am so glad that you brought that up abut celebrating TPR. While I can totally understand that there is finally an end to things , it is also a begining of a new start. Even still it is sad. I see it all the time in my work. Parents so lost in their addictions and behaviors that they can't even take care of themselves, let alone a baby /child that is totally dependant on them. Speaking of TPRs, I am always bothered by PAPs requesting prayer for them when a Bmom gives birth. I always pray for God's will. I am a firm believer that the baby that is meant to belong with a PAP will find their arms and while I can support and comfort a failed match, I always pray and thank God that a bmom was going to parent. While I think adoption is wonderful, it is always better if it didn't have to happen. A major peeve of mind is when bmoms feel they owe their babies to PAPs or they are afraid of hurting the PAPs. Whenever I see an emom post about not being sure about an adoption plan I will always answer them. I think it is really a good thing that emoms have doubts. As strange as it sounds. At least if there are doubts early on she will have at least thought it through and hopefully will get counsel to help her explore her options. I think too that someof these younger bmoms(older ones too) are not really aware of the magnatude of future pain adoption can bring. I am not saying that they cannot come to terms and be at peace with their decision to place, just that they need to know that this is such a life changing life altering decision that will always be with them. EZ

To be fair, there is no way you can comprehend the amount of pain that placing a child can bring. I am adopted, I knew plenty of first moms long before I placed my son, I watched them struggle. There is still no way I could understand that, even when someone told me it would hurt, I knew it would change my life forever, I couldn't concieve of the drastic changes. When one is in a position where they are scared for themselves and their child it is hard to see further than getting through one day. It is hard to conceive of how this is going to feel, even if someone tells you. Also, some women place and really don't have the amount of pain that some of us do. We can't gauge anyone.

I KNOW that every birthmother is not the same and they have not had the same experiences. However, I seem to see a pattern that confuses and upsets me. This is in birthmothers who do NOT have an open adoption but who placed through legal or agency, not CPS..First, they talk about how they "respect" the adoptive parents. How they are happy or hopeful that their child is living a life that they could not (or believed they could not) give the child at the time of birth. How pleased they were about what they knew about the family who received their child.They talk about the pain, the "missing pieces" the hard times (holidays, birthdays, arrival of other bio-children in the family, etc.) How they were not prepared for the "not healing" and "not getting over it" that they were told would happen.Then, comes "MY Child turns 18 in three days. I know how to contact them because I have tracked them down on Facebook, have their e-mail address, know their home address, etc. I plan to send them a birthday greeting and let them know I am open to contact and want contact. I have been waiting eighteen years for this and now I don't have to wait any longer."If anyone dares to suggest that the adoptive parent is still in the picture and perhaps their wishes should be consulted -- "At 18, their child is now an adult. He/she is no longer their child and they have no right to object legally. If they do object, it is morally wrong and they must be neurotic, possessive, selfish people."Is it any wonder that one forum member said it felt like they were regarded as a "babysitter" for 18 years? Another said he would only adopt internationally, or a domestic child whose parents were deceased to avoid this situation.Why does respect for the adoptive parent end at the stroke of midnight and when the child (still emotionally most are children) turns 18 the adoptive parent is just a potential barrier to reunion?

I try to be objective when I read and post on threads, but sometimes my own experiences get in the way. I would imagine this happens to a lot of us. I have noticed how some people tend to state their experiences as fact rather than opinion and that usually gets a debate going. Yes. it is THEIR fact, but not everyone's. Does that make sense? Not every birthmom is this great person who only gave up her child FOR the child. Some are drug addicts that just don't seem to care. And some are somewhere in the middle and some have other unique reasons. OA's are not best for EVERY child. Closed adoptions are not best Every child. Semi-OA's are not best for every child. It's not One Size Fits All. That can be said for everything we experience in life. No one experience is the same as the next. Yet, some people tend to force their reasonings and their desires on others based on how THEY feel, not on how the OTHER person feels.

... people who read ONE post by ONE person and suddenly everyone that has to carry the label that person wears is exactly like that person. I am not like all first parents, I am not like all adopted adults, my parents are not like all adoptive parents. We're all different, the world would be pretty darn boring if we were all the same. ... people who should be getting themselves educated about adoption, first parent, adoptive parent, and adopted adult alike, yet they still can only subscribe to the "Lifetime" view of people. ... people who could act with empathy and understanding yet seem to feel the need to run around acting like five year olds and putting other people down in order to feel good about their situation. ... people who cannot step out of their cage, oh yeah, it isn't even a box when you can't consider something else for a second, and look around the world and see that nearly everyone has some good in them. ... people who proclaim to have firm beliefs in something, yet their words constantly betray that.

I think a lot of these types of threads are perceived to be as insults to the aparents and yet I doubt that's how they are meant. Don't get me wrong..there HAVE been things I have read where it's "Why do you care what amom wants, bdaughter is an adult now and you can go directly to her." whereas it would be perhaps kinder to say "Now that bdaughter is an adult, you can contact her directly, but maybe if you talk to her mom first she can help you do this since she knows her well". Or even just leave out the "Why does amom count?" scenarios and it's better that way. And of course we have to realize that everyone is different. I have made up stories in my head already how I picture my kids' reunions going if they have them. My dd will flat out tell me "Mom, if I need you, I'll let you know but this is MINE." My oldest ds & youngest ds will likely want my physical support and involvement, with my middle boy saying "I'm cool..I'm busy, tell her thanks but not now". (Obviously I'm foretelling things that may or may not happen, it's just how I picture things right now based on their personalities) As a PARENT, I want to be involved because you are right...parenting does not end at age 18. It's not a magical age and I personally think it's a bit unrealistic to expect a successful reunion at that age. (I'm sure it happens, but norm?) Yet as an ADOPTIVE parent, I want to be respectful of this event and relationship that is not mine and not cross lines with my all out I'm the MOM stamp on my forehead. kwim? Feelinggrey - The "this is my experience, thus it is fact and proven beyond doubt, so there! in your face" type opinions don't do any of us any favors at all, you are right. I totally agree with that one.

Belle - good points...and I would imagine those that try to pigeon hole everyone based on the one post, a movie, a book etc. do not truly understand that a lot of us fight against these perceptions and stereotypes all the time.

This is FANTASTIC! And belle, your points are spot on...

I struggle with this, I am of the belief that 18 is not a magical age and that while they are considered adults who can die for our country, have the right to vote, go out and live their own lives, etc... I do believe that the adoptive parents should be contacted first. With that said, go search the adoptee forums and look for posts on this subject and you will find that alot of adoptees do not want their parents contacted first. They feel that all of their lives decisions have been made for them and this is the one chance they get to "call the shots". So, I am torn in what I think is right and what I continue to hear the from adoptees.I DID contact my son's mom first and she discussed it with him , it has worked for us but I know that is not the way everyone would have it.

] I have not posted, at least very often, because of this reason. I also have decided to STOP my search for thetwin sons I relinquished, for this very reason. When I became, MORE, familiar with the forums, it did not matter what forum I posted in, I got ridiculed beyond belief, with only the best of intentions, yet I am unable to convey my sentiments in the appropriate manner...no ones fault, just my own! I felt, as least looking at things from a PARENTS' point of view, what it was that I would like have done.. In pondering that, I decide along with my husband....I would contact the twins parents! I consulted Marlou Russell( an adult adoptee..in reunion), for her expert advice, after many books, speaking events, etc. She said that I should absolutely contact , the CHILD/ ADULT, that had been relinquished, because , all their lives decisions had been made for them, with no choice of their own!. After consulting a few others,and reading their stories, I then went further , and read on the ADOPTEE forums their views...to my dismay, this was not what I was HEARING. Hence the reason(s), I decided to stop my search of finding the , now young men of 23 yrs. this March 25th, I chose to no longer intrude upon them, because of the MAJORITY of people whom were placed for adoption, whether as a newborn, or otherwise, and their sad journeys, and feelings. Even when asked in BIRTHMOMS forum, what, as a Birthmom ,I felt about particular instances, I was ridiculed for MY opinion in MY journey, and was made feel so so un-welcome, even more ashamed, and guilt like no one could believe...so where does this leave all of us???. Can "we" feel free to answer honestly, without others coming in and slamming us for our feelings?....Or do we sit back, and just say...what the hey..doesn't matter what I feel, or think? Not that my opinion is important, because I contacted the C.I., and informed her to stop the search, so it makes no difference to me, which was the main reason I signed up for a.com! So, if there are any persons reading this whom wish to know...if it doesn't really matter to me...then why am I responding....well my answer is of simplicity...because when "we" decide to get the courage to talk about "our" specific area of "our" journey and "our" feelings on that subject...maybe others whom come along ..., that are not in "their" specific forum", will be able to have more compassion, of that persons journey and what they have lived through! I by no means am being contrite, I have excepted my reasons for my decision, based on many in the " Adoptee Forum" and most of their journeys and opinions, this was MY choice, I place NO blame, what so ever on any one specific person, MY decision...My choice!! I chose to stop MY search for the twins...I NEVER want to hurt them, in ways I have read of others journey's as adult adoptees! I wish ALL so many Blessings..Good fortune..and Peace...nothing more...and nothing less!......Blessings... C.J....:flower:

Just as is our human nature, I too relate most with birthmothers as I am one myself. I think I'm a fairly rational and empathatic person but it is really hard for me to switch roles and see things from the aparents perspective. I have tried really really hard to have a relationship with my sons aparents and they have essentially been 100% completely fake with me. They have tolerated me because I'm their son's bmom but his a mom in particular has never responded to my attempts at a friendship and I have since given up. It is super hard, as a birthmother, to have his aparents show you pictures of the very day you left the hospital with him in the nursery and see pictures of them just a scant 2 hours later smiling and holding him and he is wearing the same outfit you last saw him in. And them telling you how happy he was when they picked him up, and you trying to hold the tears in and them going on and on and on about that day, the best day of their life and the worst day of yours. So yes, it is hard for me to relate to aparents but I still try because I do realize not everyone is the same and not all aparents are like his. They have done many things like this to me, and I have come to realize it is their way of telling me-'he is ours'. So for me, it is really hard to relate to aparents. But don't mistake me not being able to relate to me not wanting to or not trying to. It is more like I kind of feel like "can't we all just get along?" but i'm the only one saying it in my triad. I am forever grateful to his aparents and to all aparents for stepping in for a birthmother who makes the heartwrenching decision to relinquish. They raised my son when I was unable to and for that I will be forever grateful. But I DO NOT regard them as a babysitter but it is interesting that someone else posted that because that is exactly what my son said the first day we met in person, after only speaking to each other for 7 days prior on the phone. He told me, "they were the best babysitters even though you didn't pick them". That always bothered me, because I would never in a million years look at his aparents that way. I told him, 'no, they are your parents,you have always had 2 sets of parents". I would never repeat that to his parents because I felt that would hurt them and we all have enough hurt in the triad. However, like I said, I have tried in my triad, and everything they ever did to me or said to me, I never ever repeated to my son because I DO relate to that side of the triad-the adopted children, based on the many many long talks I have had with him. Sorry to ramble here, but bottom line is I'm trying to relate to all sides of the triad but like everything else in life it all goes back to your own personal experiences and mine are not too great with my sons aparents.

I've been thinking about this for a few days. I agree with what most have posted in that I am a birthmother, so I do have more empathy for a birthmom, because I've been there. But I always try to walk the mile so to speak. I don't like it when I see forums/blogs etc promoting "sides" (not that you are doing that crick, I think that you are actually attempting the opposite by making us think about it, which I think is so important!) because I don't see it as black and white. For me, it's about respect, regardless of the triad side. I have read plenty about birthmoms who IMO DON'T respect boundaries or the role of adoptive moms regardless of circumstance, and just because I am a birthmom, doesn't mean I automatically agree. And sometimes I get discouraged when my opinion is dismissed because "you're a birthmom, therefore of course you feel X,Y or Z." I would have to say nine times to ten, I agree because as a human, and a mother, I just do. But I also think it's important to bring my persepective to the table so that others can learn mine, as I do theirs. I know it's also human nature to take our own experiences and project them, and it does create a bias, even when it's not intentional. I also feel that there IS a sort of uneven balance in the relationship no matter how hard we try, because that's adoption for you. When I was pg with my DD, I know that for her mom, she hung on every word, got nervous when I didn't answer my phone, because she at that time was not her mother legally. She had to have faith that I was going to follow through, even though I legally didn't have to, KWIM? Now that she's her mom, I'm on the other side, hanging on to every word and praying for a response. When I think of that, I'm reminded how "alike" we all are in adoption, and how at the end of the day, it really is all about the child. Or it should be. A wise woman (you know who you are!) told me recently that adoption is not picture perfect, and sometimes we can't always check our egos at the door. And that makes sense, not just in adoption, but in general. For me, I try to see through the side and relate to the relationship in it's organic form, and try to understand that the problems we all have are relationship issues in general, just in the context of adoption. We all have unique experiences, but I think at least here what brings us together is the fact that we are here to learn and grow because we want it to be successful for our children. If we didn't care, we'd be hooked on some other website like Facebook(tho I confess to being hooked on both :p )\ OK, I'm done rambling now :)

Nice post, Brown. And you're right - we are all here to learn and we ALL have something to offer. And as much as I hate to see any one of my forum friends struggling, I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone, and that I have somewhere to turn if I'm having a hard time.