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My daughter is 17yoa and is due to give birth to my granddaughter actually today. So needless to say that baby girl will be born soon. She decided to go with adoption and there is a great couple adopting her. It is an open adoption agreement for 5 years between her and them that the service set up. You know updates and photos. No contact was what my daughter wanted. I completely support my daughter with her decision with her choice to give that baby up for adoption. However, I am having and have had some issues with losing this baby for my daughter as well as myself.
This adoption is what my daughter wants and has been handling this very well. She would not be comfortable with any family member adopting the baby. I am that seeing her daughter grow up with someone else raising her would just be too hard. My daughter is a very smart and strong girl. My heart bleeds for her. She said that she is ill-equipped to raise her baby right now and could not provide the little girl with the life she deserves. The ironic thing is that neither am I. I have Bipolar Disorder 1 which is the most severe and I take a lot of medications to stay level but still have bad episodes. My BP became worse after I had a brain injury in 2006. Thankfully my parents helped me and my daughter. They are the best people in the world to both of us. I am angry about my illness. I am angry that I cannot take pain of labor, birth, loss and regret my daughter has to go through. I feel I am failing to protect my daughter and my granddaughter.
I would give ANYTHING to adopt my granddaughter and raise her but there some issues that cannot be ignored. I secretly long hold and love to my granddaughter. I want to see her grow and blossom into a young woman. I just want to know her. You know that the ultrasound done recently the baby looks like my daughter in her last ultrasound. Man, those things are amazing! That was something I never thought I see.
The emotions I have over my granddaughter are tearing me apart inside. My feelings mean nothing in comparison to what daughter has been going through and soon will be going through. All I want is what is best for her and the baby. I have not and will not express this to my daughter and have been doing what I need to do to make sure she feels all of my love and support. I was 17yoa when I had my daughter and kept her. That was my choice and it wasnt easy but we made it together. This was right for me and I understand adoption is right for her. I wish I could take the pain away for my daughter.
Again, the baby is today and should be born anytime/day. How do I prepare for this so I can completely support my daughter and privately deal with mine? I do not want to add to her hurt. What should I expect?
Thanks,
Trixie
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:grouphug: All you can do is what your doing. Support your daughter. Let her know all her options she has available to her. Let her know that she has time to make this decision. It doesn't have to be made at the hospital. She can take her baby home and give herself time to decide. If the decision to place her baby with this couple is right than, it will be right a week or two later as well. What matters most right now is that she feel confident in her decision which ever it is because it will be a life long decision and one she may not be fully ready to make before she has her little one in her arms.
The best thing you can do is just support her in whatever choice she makes. Be a shoulder to cry on and someone she can look to to share her feelings.
I'd be honest with her about your feelings as well. Let her know the connection you already have with your grand daughter and how much you will miss her and how you would love to be a part of her life (open adoption) if she does decide to place her.
We have two open adoptions and both of them we are very involved with the grandparents. So it can and does work.
Unfortunately we are about to loose my sons grandma, she was such a big part of his life.
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Let her talk, let her cry, let her have therapy.
Personally I think it's good that you understand that you can't let out your pain to her. 24 years later I still feel anger towards my mother when she reveals her pain about this- I think it's because my pain has never been acknowledged.
I'm sorry that you all are going through this. This experiance will change your daughter forever, heck getting pregnant is something that changes you forever.
Please don't blame yourself for this in any way. I know my mother blames herself and I feel it's misplaced (although I understand on some levels), it just adds to my pain and anger to know that she's blaming herself.
It's hard, and painful. Just being there for her and letting her feel what she needs to will mean a lot.
All the best.
Thank you both for your words. They really mean a lot and helps.
I hold my feelings back and unload them to my theropist in lieu on my daughter. But with that said, my daughter knows me better than anyone. She is aware of the connection I feel with my granddaughter. I can get a little excited and ahead of myself even though I take meds for the Bipolar Disorder.
She mentioned to me she was aware and handed me some ultrasound pics. I just want her to feel loved and supported. I cried after she did that and she cried in my arms. I am very proud of her and it does not matter what she does. She has been my rock for so long and I made understand that it's time for me to be her rock again.
Sincerely
Trixie
The best thing you can do is just be there for your daughter and understand that even though she has her mind set on adoption, she may feel differently after the baby is born. If she needs more time with her decision, she should take as much time as she needs. If she stays with her plan for adoption, it will still be a huge grieving process for her to go through and she will need your support.
Can she and you get updates beyond 5 years? I'm not clear why it's only for 5 years. I think personally it would be hard to get updates and then none after that time period. I did not have a set agreement with my son's parents, as in those days, they had no such things, but they were kind enough to send me photos and letters all throughout his life. That was so important to me and helped in my healing. Perhaps the potential adoptive parents would be willing to continue the updates over the years, too.
Also, I sent pictures wrote letters to my son before I had him and wrote letters to the adoptive parents. My mom also wrote a letter that was sent to them. Perhaps you can too, if this is something they and your daughter would want?
I think you are doing the right thing by processing the harder emotions in therapy. Your daughter could benefit from counseling too, if she isn't already getting it. Having your support will be so helpful to her. If there are any birthmother support groups in your area, I would recommend them. In my groups, birth grandmothers are included as well as any other birth family members.
It is hard, but try not to blame yourself, as quantum says. It sounds like your daughter has thought things through and has come to her decision for herself (i.e. it wasn't made for her). I think for me, this was also something that helped immensely in my healing (the fact that it was my decision and I could own it).
All the best to you, your daughter, and your new baby granddaughter.
Dear TrixieJ,
I just wanted to send my heart-felt support to both you and your daughter.
I'd like to echo Peachy as well in that I hope your daughter is able to get therapy for herself.
You're doing the right thing in standing by her.
Saying prayers for you and your family.:grouphug:
Much peace your way today,
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I am the grandmother of a daughter who considered adoption and changed her mind. Your post touched my soul because, like you, I broke down whenever I tried to imagine holding my grandson and then saying goodbye.Be there for your daughter. Tell her that you are there for her no matter what - that you are her safety net,Happy G'Ma
Hi Trixie,
I am in the same situation but 21 years earlier than you. My daughter has blamed me all these yrs. for her giving up her baby.
I would like to talk with you through regular email if you want to. It has been a struggle for my daughter and for us all these yrs. Bottom line is I get all the blame, for me it was a lose, lose situation. My heart goes out to you and your daughter for it not only affects your daughter but all those around her and espically you.
My name is Kat and my email is karpinen@mchsi.com I hope that is ok to give you my home email.
I will be thinking of you. Let me know how you and your daughter are doing and since you and I are in simulair situations I hope we can help each other out emotionally.
Kat
My granddaughter was born 3/27/09 at 8:15am and my daughter wanted with her from labor to birth. She her born was the next best thing to giving birth to my daugter. We named her Scarlet. She weighed 8lbs 1oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. The nurses and doctor gave a 10 as birth health rating. She is perfect!
My daughter made sure the adoptive parents were the first to hold and feed her. They are going to raise her all the love and support that she will ever need or want. My daughter knows this was right and I agree.
Actually this was not a completely sad situation. It bitter sweet.
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