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A few of you know that my boys are young given my age (10,9,and8years old). My best friend and I had our first babies a few months apart so they are both 10 years old. Her little girl is an only child and she is a single parent. Our parenting styles are quite different as far as rules, boundries and discipline goes.
My friend had moved away for a few years and then moved back about 5 years ago but we kept in contact. He daughter A is my God daughter and I love her very much but sadly, I am afraid for her.
Let me just say that none of my boys have cell phones and I limit their time and use parental controls on the computer. I personally think 10 is far too young for a cell phone, never mind one with all the bells and whistles
I was always able to talk to A and she would listen. Tonight I visited my friend and she shared with me that A has been saying that she hates school, the neighborhood, the after school program and that she wants to move and "start a new life" This a 10 year old child saying this. So I offered to talk to A thinking maybe she had a quarrel with a friend or school mate causing this attitude. Well I cannot begin to tell you what I witnesed. All this child did was fiddle with her cell phone text messaging while I was talking to her. Apparently A has been texting teenage girls that she has met online that are not even local girls.
I finally told A I think she is rude texting while I was talking to her and that her mother needs to shut that phone off. Her Mom agreed but A went storming off mad slamming doors.
My friend feels the child has problems and she was thinking about sending her to some kind of boot camp. I told my friend that never mind boot camp, she needs to start setting boundries and fast.
She did take the phone away from A a couple of weeks ago and A dialed 911 on her mother. Needless to say the police repremanded A and sided with her mother.
I am truly at a loss here I am sad and mad at the same time. I am angry that my friend let it go this far and I am sad that this is happening. My friend has always spoiled A because she felt guilty for being a single parent. I understand her trying to compensate(not that I agree with her) but this little girl was not like this a few months ago. Now she is in her own electronic world of texting and blocking everyone around her out.
I need advice here. My friend is a wreck and it is almost as though A is controlling things. I guess I am not the only one concerned about this because my friend's mother is just as upset as is my friends fiance.
EZ
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EZ You are right. She needs to take away the cell phone completely, and shut down her MYSpace page (I bet she has one). No ten-year-old girl should be "friends" with teenagers she met online. I would also suggest that she check her e-mails. It sounds like the sort of thing someone would say who was "grooming her" to run away. If she admits to texting unknown girls you can bet she is also texting teenage boys (or men posing as boys).Her mother might want to change the house phone number too. I would be Very Worried!
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Cell phone has to go. I'm on a personal campaign to end text messaaging and photo sharing for those under 18. I know, it's a losing battle; but teaching for years and seeing what havoc cell phone create, I feel it is a must. My 13 year neighbor does not have a cell phone (her mom is a principal and knows the problems they create), but one of her friends received a photo of a boy's penis while the girls were at the movies. I'm horrified!!! I know, OT, but if more parents were responsible enough to take away the phones from their kids, our kids would be better protected. Sorry, OT and a personal vent.
ET to add: I know people will disagree and say that THEIR kids are responsible and they will not take away photo sharing. But, so is my neighbor's friend. She received the photo. She didn't do anything wrong except open the text message and there it was. She was wise enough to show her mom, but I think most kids wouldn't. And, it asked her to take a picture of her "stuff" and send it to him!!!!
In our house, this little girls world would get very small. No phone, no internet unless directly supervised for homework, no overnight stays, no playing inside other kids' houses (in their yard IF we could see them would be OK).
At 10 yrs old all of those things are privileges and it sounds like this mom needs to get things in order before her daughter is truly out of control. Extreme? Maybe, but in this day and age it could potentially save her daughter's life. There are alot of people out there that would love to take advantage of a little girl and if she is texting strangers you never know what kind of monster she could run into.
I totally agree with extreme measures being taken in this situation, but honestly, I am most disappointed in my friend for allowing this to happen. I talked to my friend a little more and found out that A got this cell phone in April 08and apparently this "obsession" with texting has been going on since early summer 08. A went to her aunt and uncle's summer home on the Cape during the summer and the entire ride there she was texting. The aunt just thought it was because it was a long ride and A was bored, but once they arrived A refused to participate in any activities and texted non stop for a few hours. The uncle decided that he would take the phone from her since it was interfering in what was supossed to be a fun time. Well at that point A demanded to go home and called her mother crying and saying she missed her , hated the placed and wanted to go home. She pitched such a fit that they drove her back to Boston that same day.
My friend also tells me that she has removed the computer when A refuses to go to bed, but that is only short lived because computer priveledges are soon reinstated. I so want to tell my friend that this is basically her fault and she needs to act NOW. Surely in almost a years time the phone and computer have proven to be damaging. I am very concerned with summer approaching and more time on A's hand that things could get alot worse.
Maybe I am too old school, but I just cannot understand these young kids with cell phones. Growing up, I had to ask permission to use the home phone and we were never so far away that Momma couldn't locate us , check in on us, or know what was going on with us that we would need a phone to contact her. This is the way I am raising my own children. At 10 years old a child does not need to be so out of reach that a phone is required. IMO, technology is a wonderful thing, but there is a sad downside to it that is affecting the children of today.
A wouldn't last 2 hours in my house, I even limit the amount of TV my kids watch.
EZ
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I have an 11 year old dd and I will say that a lot of her friends have cells, blackberries etc. My dd BEGS for one almost weekly and finally I told her that it's not even up for discussion until she is in middle school so enough!
I agree with you...Mom needs to get over her guilt and stop being her dd's friend. I noticed a huge shift in my relationship, parenting, and my dd when she turned 10 and started her "tween" phase. Both physically and emotionally. Girls are maturing faster than ever and it was a real eye opener for me. (My oldest son is 12 and is now just starting some of the stuff my dd started at 10)
I mention the above because of the "quick change" from a few months ago that you've noticed and likely everyone else with her emotions and behaviors etc. (the storming off/high drama) Couple all of that with all the luxuries she has, mom has a big battle to fight and yet it needs to be done.
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]WOW !! :eek: :eek: :eek:
She has some major issues going on with her daughter. And yes times sure have changed - if I had acted like that I wouldnt have been able to sit for a week and would have been grounded for life
I do think kids today have way too much technology in their lives - I feel until out of HS, they don't need to have access to chat rooms, my space etc.
If a kid is working, or has access to driving the car, an emergency cell phone should be given out - one that only can call 911 or 5 pre programed phone numbers and is locked so kids cant change numbers - that way they are safe to call home or 911.
And if a parent feels safer with their child (any age) being able to reach them, then get the emergency phone - almost all cell services offer them.
Sounds like your friend has really let things get way out of control and A is running the household, not Mom - if she does not get a grip on it now, she's gonna be getting a call from the cops about her daughter or calling them because her daughter ran away. Too many parents try to be friends to their kids - can't do that until your kids are adults when they are under age they are your kids and yoru responsibility not your friend
I hope your friend listens to reason from you, her mom or her fiance or I'm afraid she is gonna have a juvenille delinquent on her hands or worse a runaway..
Way too many psychos out there that lure kids away from home
Good luck trying to talk to her[/FONT]
I agree with everything that has been posted. Sometimes because I became a parent at an older age and I am more old schooled I feel like I am a little to harsh or insensitive to the kids of today. Also, I have boys, who are into physical activies and sports. Thank God right now they have no desire to sit behind a computer, playing games or being online. However, that could change at any time(their desire) but that doesn't mean I would allow it to happen.
All this technology these days, I noticed kids are alot more overweight too. A is alot larger than most 10 year olds, not so much overweight but just looks older and taller.
Another thing too that I noticed with many kids, that they are not as creative or imaginative these days. I remember kids never claiming to be "bored". If I ever complained to my Momma that I was bored, she would have handed me a can of Pledge and a dust rag and told me to get busy dusting the furniture.
I don't know, it's all new to me, but I do know that my friend needs help and fast. I am going to talk to her about a therapist. My friend probably needs some therapy too. She needs to get some control before something bad happens.
Oh here is the kicker, my friend seems to think it all started when A would visit her bfather cause he would let her play online for hours whenever he would be out in trhe yard fixing his cars or whatever. I do somewhat agree with her to an extent because at 8 years old A knew all about craigslist personals.
I am going to her house this wek end and set up some parental controls on her computer as my friend doesn't even go online herself, the computer is A's.
I again, feel really bad about all this. Dh won't even let me bring my own kids there when I visit her. THATS how bad this situation is. I can totally envison A being on one of these TV shows where the kids are so out of control. I used to wacth those shows years ago and think they weren't real ofr exaggerated because how could a parent ever let things get that bad, now I see that it can and does happen.
Thnk you all for the advice and allowing me to vent.
EZ
EZ2Luv
I am going to her house this wek end and set up some parental controls on her computer as my friend doesn't even go online herself, the computer is A's.
EZ
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my DHs ex bought mobiles for their kids. we have them weekends, and I can say they are preaty unmotivated and lazy when they get here. I try to distract them and keep them busy so they won't want to text. they like having activities, but I bristle when they drop everything to answer a text or hold unimportant convos with some kid. I blame their parents. ps I'm not ALLOWED to take their cells! but I am quick to tell them how rude for answering a text when they are doing something with me. ps they don't carry cells at the skate park, pool, library, or beach... I take them often
I GIVE UP!!
OK so I went to my friends house to set up some security online and my friend showed very little interest in what I was attempting to do. A even said, "forget it, my mom won't even touch the computer except to smash it up again" and giggkled. Apprently my friend has smashed a couple of computers in the past during an arguement with A, only to go out and replace them the next day with an even better model. Sadly, at this point I do not think A is the problem.
This situation has been created by A's mother who refuses to take any type of responsibility or set any boundries. She would much rather complain about A's behavior and play the victim.
I am so done!! A is well fed and cared for as far as what would consistute a call to CPS, so that is out of teh question. If I thought that was the case I would have picked up the phone from jump start' This is clearly a behavior problem caused by my friend thinking she could treat A like a girlfriend until it snowballed and got so out of control that my friend basically let A run the show and now that others are taking notice of A's behavior my friend plays the helpless victim of an out of control daughter.
After spending almost 3 hours at her house I finally had to set MY boundries. While I feel sick that A has these behaviors, at this point there is nothing I can do short of praying for them. My friend knows what needs to be done and I cannot do it for her, nor can her mother, brother or SIL. We have all tried, but we are not A's parent, she is. What good is talking to someone who is going to turn around and do the exact same thing the minute you walk out the door?
I finally told my friend that if anyone needs bootcamp it is her not A. Anyhow thank you all for the advise, I hope and pray that somehow either A finds a good role model or my friend sees what she is doing or not doing. At this point DH agrees that my hands are tied and I need to keep my distance.
EZ
EZ, I had a similar experience this week when my best frioend from out of town came to stay with her 3 girls, ages 12, 9 and 6. She is also a single mom (NO single mom bashing here...just recognizing that it is harder because you don't have a second person backing up your boundaries and you are just so busy!!) Anway, her 12 year old spends her days texting and on the internet. Her mom offers NO supervision in this regard. Just as alarming was that the 12 year old gave me the run down on a half dozen raunchy TV shows like "Rock of Love" and other MTV shows about trashy young women trying to date famous guys. My feind just laughed as her daughter recounted various episodes that were very sexually charged. Her duaghter is tall for her age and very smart with a large vocabulary and an apparent maturity beyond her years. But she is just a 12 year old girl. It really worries me, but I have no idea how to approach it because I am the mom of a 2 year old boy and my friend is also super-sensitive to criticism. Don't want to hijack your post...just venting. And letting you know this seems to be epidemic in these days of texting, computers and cable TV.
Portlowski,
Don't worry about hijacking, your not. At least I know this is not something that other people don't notice. I just had a thought, I wonder if your friends daughter is in A's circle of texting friends (just kidding) they sound so much alike.
Apparently the fiance is noticing this behavior with A too because it is causing arguements between my friend and him. It is hard for him too because he is not A's parent either. So it is all up to my friend. I don't know if she is just plain oblivious (I doubt it) or she is afraid of putting her foot down . But at this point my friend's mother is not talking to her because of this either everyone is at their wits end.
. I hope boys aren't like this. lol
EZ
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So I thought I would give an update. As predicted by many, the cell phone /texting an out of state 14 yr old girl BACKFIRED bigtime. Let me just say that this alleged 14 yr old from NYC turned out to be a psycho nut jobthat my friends daughter made a foolish mistake of giving too much information about her family and friends, things like names, addresses and phone numbers as well as personal business. God only knows what transpired between Amanda and this person. The person had some kind of weird hold on Amanda
The police have been involved and this person has harrassed such horrible things to not only Amanda but others. This is not limited to texting but actual phone calls and threats and harrassment.
I think/hope my friend learned a lesson from all this. Amanada is now going to therapy(the only good thing that came of all this cause she needed therapy from the start) because of the control this person had over her and the fact that the person did a number on her self esteem telling her that her father doesn't love or want her cause she is fat and ugly (my friend is a single parent and has had issues with A's father).
I am not convinced even more that kids should not have cell phones until they are old enough to pay for them themselves.
When my friend told me what happened she at least agreed that she allowed things to get out of control, but that could only be because she was feeling bad about what happened and so many of us tried to tell her this was not good.
I cannot emphasise enough the importance of knowing who your children are communicating with. I know that the parents on this forum would never allow something like this to happen, but if you ahve any friends who are a little too liberal with their childrens cellphone/texting/onlinelife, show them this thread. There are really dangerous predators out there in cyberland.
EZ