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I am a month and a week into having found and started having conversations with my full sister who was given up for adoption. Up until last week we had talked every week. Last weekend I sent her a text and left a voicemail so that we could talk. I have not heard back on either one. I know this is probably the adoptee pullback. Which has me very worried about her. And obviously what it means about the future of this process. Up until now she had been pretty open. She has expressed several things showing how she associated herself with us as her birth family. And has made statements about how this is her life and believes that everything will be ok because god would never put more in front of her than she could handle. She has however given me a very basic description about anxiety and worry she has had about some of this process. There has been a ton of information given to her by me about the dynamics and personalities of our parents especially at the time of her birth. Obviously a lot of it not so positive. But for the most part very much in the past. Much of this information was the result of her asking some hard nosed questions. She told me that sharing this info was what she wanted and figured there would be a certain amount of not so fun stuff to hear. But with her having stopped contact at the moment I am completely in the dark. And I am concerned that some of what I regard as my own selfish behavior has contributed to this becoming a negative experience for her. An example of the crap I have pulled is the last time we exchanged texts I asked if she was going to be able to get home to see her parents that weekend. Which would have been the first time she has gotten to see them since this all started by the way. She said no and openly expressed how disappointed she was about it. So instead of being sympathetic I went fishing in my next message for an opportunity to talk that weekend. With not a single bloody sentiment about how much that must suck. I mean how could she not regard me as a complete ***? I want to reassure her that she can talk to us through what ever means she deems appropriate about her anxieties whether they be about me or not. I want to be accountable for the selfish bs that at the time I was unaware I was pulling. I would basically take whatever scenario she puts forth. Even if that means no contact. My question is this. Is any part of that appropriate to express or ask her about since she is obviously fairly overwhelmed right now? Would that just amount to piling on? Should I not send anything at all and let her make a move when she is ready? If I were to send this type of email it wouldn't until next week which would make two weeks since any type of communication. God I hope at least some of this makes sense. I'm worried that I have made so many mistakes already. God I can't wait for my first therapy session since I was a kid to start tomorrow. So I can start to put this into perspective and face what makes me the selfish *** I am. Sorry for the length. And thank you for anyone who takes the time to give advice.
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Hi Ben,Your story is very familiar to me, as I am an adoptee in reunion and now starting to build more of a relationship with my sister. In doing that, she has given me a lot of information about her childhood, which is difficult to process. It can be overwhelming and taking the time to process it all, is a must do.I would advise you to acknowledge your suspicions that you may have been selfish and provide a loving, careful explanation. Don’t just drop out of sight, because that reaffirms beliefs that adoptees have, that the birth family is highly capable of disappearing. I would send a note telling her you missed her and are concerned about your last interaction. Also, include your genuine desire to be sensitive to her feelings and fears that you weren’t.If she is as open and honest as you say,. she should respond my telling you she needs time, which like you say, would be understandable.All the bestKim
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One more thing Ben....When you said this,There has been a ton of information given to her by me about the dynamics and personalities of our parents especially at the time of her birth. Obviously a lot of it not so positive. But for the most part very much in the past.Please realize that this information is in your past, but it is her present. This is all new to her and the information may create feelings in her that are not so positive.You have gotten over all this stuff, as it is old new for you, but to her, it is totally new and needs to be processed.Don’t overload her with all the family's dirty laundry. She is still developing her thoughts and feelings and images about who all of you are, as people. There is plenty of time for this information later when she has developed a firm foundation with all of you. If the info is too negative, this may influence her opinion of who you are.Be carefulKim
I have not gotten into much detail about my childhood or many of the specific things that my mother (my father was not around) did. My sister knows generalities. But no specific stories from my childhood. I kept the lid on at least that much. But I still do question the wisdom of having said as much as I have so soon. Even though she said that is what she wanted. And has asked some pretty significant questions herself that considering the answers revealed some hefty things. Especially about our father, who probably won't have much of a role in all of this. But I already thought about what you said about how this is old for me but very much a new reality for her. But only recently I'm afraid. I wish I had gotten some counceling before the reunion. So that I could be more aware of the pitfalls and my own issues that I came into this with that do not fit and are not appropriate to bring to her. I thought I had figured it out enough before we started talking. God was I wrong. I had actually managed to come to the conclusion that the fact that I wanted this to happen very much meant I was ready. How friggin foolish is that. Should I give her more time? Or do I not want to sit on this too long? Especially regarding the mistakes I have made? Thank you for your input Kim and Janine.
excellent advice. I would not wait until next week. Just email her. Where is your mom in all this? I can't remember, sorry!
ben, please don't beat yourself up about what was said or not said. This is tough and it's not going to be easy. As Kim said, this is her present and she is trying to process all of it. It is not a direct reflection on you or what you have done. really, it's not.
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I had one day in the first week of talking on the phone where that sort of behavior came out. And when I say one day that is exactly how long it lasted. When I woke up the next morning I realized that I had done exactly that and promptly appologized to her. I even detailed the revelation about how I realized exactly how inapropriate that was. Since then I would say pretty definitively no. My concern about my own behavior revolves around that I had out of an anxiety to control this (selfish in itself) in other words not let it taper off that I put aside being considerate of what she is going through. I was very curious in the beginning about how she was doing. What she was thinking and feeling. How her family was doing. But then became paranoid that I was being overbearing in my concern for her family and went the opposite way. Then went to only talking about our family and concentrating on us getting to know eachother. Which is obviously not the biggest issue for her in all of this by far. I'm sure the adjustment, how her family is doing and how this process will be like for her regarding communication with our mother are mountains of concern compared to my molehill.
I'm wondering if she was looking for her birth family as well? For me personally, I have zero desire to find my genetic relatives and it's been an ongoing fear that they might find me instead. Not explainable, but it's the way I feel. But I was once asked if I would accept contact if offered and I honestly can't say I would refuse. But it would be very, very, very upsetting.It's very possible this girl is feeling something similar and is rethinking things, which is okay. Were I in your position, I'd e-mail her what you expressed in your first post, but with a caveat that you understand how hard and new this is for her. I personally would say something like "I respect that you might be rethinking this situation and might not want to continue or might want a break. I won't pressure you, if and when you're ready, you know how to reach me."
I have written out a couple versions of this email I want to send to her. And the one constant between them all is that I express that this will go exactly how she wants it to. Even if that means no contact.
UnconventionalMom
I'm wondering if she was looking for her birth family as well?
For me personally, I have zero desire to find my genetic relatives and it's been an ongoing fear that they might find me instead. Not explainable, but it's the way I feel. But I was once asked if I would accept contact if offered and I honestly can't say I would refuse. But it would be very, very, very upsetting.
It's very possible this girl is feeling something similar and is rethinking things, which is okay.
Were I in your position, I'd e-mail her what you expressed in your first post, but with a caveat that you understand how hard and new this is for her. I personally would say something like "I respect that you might be rethinking this situation and might not want to continue or might want a break. I won't pressure you, if and when you're ready, you know how to reach me."
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Well Ben, I will say paranoia and reunion go hand in hand. I am always second guessing my actions and have made lots of mistakes and I am two years into reunion as an adoptee. My advice to you, would be to lighten things up with her. If you end up addressing this issue, try not to belabor the point. Acknowledge it. Express your uncertainty, along with your genuine desire to make this work. And then, move the process forward. Don’t get mired down in the little pot holes of reunion you will encounter. Feel the bumps. Acknowledge the bumps and then move forwardWhat you have described here is a little bump. There will be more to come and the best we all can do is try to avoid the catastrophic events.K
I agree with all of the above. I would just send her a quick email apologizing if you might have offended, and say that you would love to have a relationship with her, and that you will always be available when she is ready to resume contact. Keep it simple and kind. Tell her that sometimes you put your foot in your mouth or speak before thinking (don't we all???)
Speaking as an adoptee, I always want to know that someone does care about me -- I am very fearful of rejection. Let her know that you are her brother forever and ever. Don't even bring up the possibility of "no contact".
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Ben, I read your post and there are some things that should be considered related to your actions and feelings in this scene.First, you have never found a sister before. There are no books to give you any type of advice in terms of the best way to proceed. If you make mistakes they are honest and without intent to harm.Go slowly, but follow your heart and speak your thots and intentions in a clear voice so that your sister can know your intentions and how you feel. You cannot be faulted for honesty.If you make mistakes they will most likely be in your eyes and a wish for handling a situation differently.In dealing with many situations we never know whether or not we used the right pathway until after the situation has been resolved. Allow yourself to be human and if you make what you consider a mistake, the chances are it will resolve...we all make mistakes...be secure in the fact that regardless of the out come, you did the best you could...you may not have been perfect in your eyes in regards to the outcome, but Im not sure thats a requirement...all that matters is what happens with the outcome...I wish you the very best...Bob