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I am 19 almost 20 years old and 7 months pregnant. Last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up and it was the hardest thing I had ever been through. I started seeing a new guy casually and ended up getting pregnant. My ex and I had started seeing each other again by the time I found out I was pregnant and these have been the worst few months of my life because of it. I still love him so much. He said at the beginning that we could only be together if I had an abortion, I went along with the idea for a while but I knew there was no way in my heart I could have ever let that happen. It's a few months too late for that now, and he's still there for me, but now I'm faced the the option of adoption. The baby's father has wanted adoption since the beginning and he is semi-involved but I have pushed him away for the most part because of my boyfriend not wanting me to have anything to do with him. Everyday I feel this baby kicking and moving inside of me and sometimes it makes me excited and I just can't wait for this baby to come into the world so I can hold him and play with him and raise him. I got 3D ultrasound pictures the other day and he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and he still has 8 weeks to grow even more beautiful when I welcome him into the world.My family has been more than supportive and is willing to help me finish school and raise the baby if that's what I choose to do. Sometimes though, I feel so terrible for what I did to my relationship with my boyfriend I just want to give the baby up and forget about all of this and just move forward. It sounds terrible but I can honestly say I have cried myself to sleep at night just wishing I had gone through with an abortion. I really don't think that's possible to just give the baby up for adoption and just "forget about it" but I just get so sick of being sad about this amazing thing I have growing inside of me. But what makes me even more sad, is the idea of not being with my boyfriend. He has made it very clear that there is no way he could remain with me if I choose to raise this baby because he feels it would just be a constant reminder to him that I was with someone else in that time we spent apart and he doesn't want to forever be upset with me and the child. That is totally understandable and I repect that he feels this way, I just don't know what is more important to me. I don't want to have to choose between my baby and the person that I love. Everyone tells me that if I keep the baby and he leaves I will find someone else who will love me and my baby no matter what, but that doesn't seem to help, at all. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know I am young, but I have had other boyfriends who I have said I loved, and as much as other break-ups were hard, I can't even see what a life would be like with anyone else. I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Besides just losing the relationship for the baby, I am pre-med and always wanted to go to med school after college. That just won't be possible when I have to be a single mother. My parents said they would help me finish school, but that many years of school will mean my son is 10 before I can step in to be the mother I want to me when I eventually plan to have children.After reading all this it seems like the logical thing to do would be adoption, there's no way I would be the mother this baby deserves if I choose to keep the life that I had planned for me, and I am also losing the person who already means more than anything to me. But at the same time, this is my baby! Why should I be so selfish as to say "someone else take this burden from me so I can continue to live my life." That's just not fair. He is mine, I feel him every day, I now have seen him and how gorgeous he is, and I feel like no one else in this world could ever love him the way I do. I know that I would be an amazing mother to him, if I gave up everything else I was working toward. Anyone would usually describe me as very level headed and hard working and say that I have my head on straight, but since this whole thing, I haven't felt any one of those things. I love this baby and every time I think about giving him to someone else, I start crying uncontrollably. What if I end up not going to med school? What if my boyfriend and I decide to break up down the road for other reasons? I will have given this baby away for no reason at all. I just need help, I know no one can tell me "this is what you should do and this is why you should do it" because it is ultimately up to me, but someone needs to give me some sort of advice because I am falling apart and can't seem to think clearly anymore. Thanks so much.
Last update on September 16, 6:47 am by Sachin Gupta.
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Hello- My name is Dana and I want you to know there is no greater gift than a child. But there is no greater gift than an adopted child. Yes it is a hard thing to decide. I personally have been in both positions. I gave up 3 children for adoption. I was not regretful until they were grown. But being reunited with them and the joy of them and their children my grandchildren I would not traded them for anything. I assure you. You will meet another supportive man whom will love you and your child, and except your child as his own.Let this man go that wants to make you choose. He is not a real man if he thinks he can control you to the point of chosing him over your baby. He need to get lost. I know you are a grown woman but, you , to me are still someones child and abhear to me when I say this to you. Child, don't make the wrong choice and live to regret it and give up your beautiful baby for a loser of a man. He is not worth it. You will only learn to rescent him and be very regretful you gave up what God gave you. The gift of Life. You can continue your education and be a mother to your child at the same time. I will say, I am adopted and I had a mother that was selfless at the age of 15. She wanted to have an bright future and prayed I would have a mother and father by Christmas. And I was adopted a week before Christmas. I had 2 wonderful parents. What ever you chose do it for the good of your child. Do not listen to the man that is ignorant to knowing thew jopy of a child. I support your choice 100% no matter what you decide. If you would like to contact me. I would love you be there for you.
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Yes, I have. My mother was married against her wishes to my father - this was India, where arranged marriages are the norm. They are still married but after I was 11 or so, she wished I was not there.
kakuehl
I'm curious, have you ever experienced this? I do not think that this young woman is seeing her situation in such black and white terms. If she does not choose to place him, it will because she loves him and wants to do what is best for him. It is therefore NOT a forgone conclusion that she will hate him and he will have "a messed up adulthood."
seeking to adopt,
May i suggest that you read some of the bmom threads. Giving up a baby is far more painful than being able to walk out of a bad marriage. A decision of this magnatde is not as easy as you percieve it to be. Some bmoms suffer a life long agony and will tell you it is the hardest thing they have ever done.
I don't think that these bmom do not want their babies, it is more of wanting what is best for their baby. Sometimes all they need is a little encouragement and to be told they can parent and it is doable that makes all the difference in the world.
Again, I strongly suggest you seek out a little more knowledge of what these bmoms go through.
EZ
I'll be praying for you in your decision making. You have already proven the love you have for your child by choosing to carry him full term. You didn't terminate his life, you have put him first and I'm proud of you for that. IF you feel your boyfriend will be your life mate then just think about what wedding vows suggest. Doesn't it go something like--- To love HONOR and cherish in sickness and health to death do us part?
rkirby40
I'll be praying for you in your decision making. You have already proven the love you have for your child by choosing to carry him full term. You didn't terminate his life, you have put him first and I'm proud of you for that. IF you feel your boyfriend will be your life mate then just think about what wedding vows suggest. Doesn't it go something like--- To love HONOR and cherish in sickness and health to death do us part?
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Cetalley, I agree with your second reading of rkirby's post. If her boyfriend can't "forgive" her for being with someone else (when they weren't together), he is not able to love her unconditionally. I fear that even if she chooses adoption, he will be unable to truly put this in the past.
To EZ2Luv and kakuehlI think you have misread my post.I am talking of when the baby grows up to a child 6,7,8,9,10...Would you agree with the following?[LIST]Almost certainly it will show traits of the father.[/LIST][LIST]IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else and pursue a career.[/LIST][LIST]if they are estranged like now, she will begin to think thoughts and also tell the child, "I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".[/LIST]-Anil
EZ2Luv
seeking to adopt,May i suggest that you read some of the bmom threads. Giving up a baby is far more painful than being able to walk out of a bad marriage. A decision of this magnatde is not as easy as you percieve it to be. Some bmoms suffer a life long agony and will tell you it is the hardest thing they have ever done.I don't think that these bmom do not want their babies, it is more of wanting what is best for their baby. Sometimes all they need is a little encouragement and to be told they can parent and it is doable that makes all the difference in the world.Again, I strongly suggest you seek out a little more knowledge of what these bmoms go through.EZ
seeking_to_adopt
To EZ2Luv and kakuehl
I think you have misread my post.
I am talking of when the baby grows up to a child 6,7,8,9,10...
Would you agree with the following?
[LIST]
Almost certainly it will show traits of the father.
[/LIST]
[LIST]
IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else and pursue a career.
[/LIST]
[LIST]
if they are estranged like now, she will begin to think thoughts and also tell the child, "I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".
[/LIST]
-
Anil
Dear Anil,
Nutso dad told me this one when he wanted me to "get rid of" my eldest daughter. He insisted no one would marry a woman with a child. Such a woman would be "tainted" he said. Strange thing for a British male to say but there it was.
I, of course, found it to be completely false. So many people in our society are divorced with children when they meet someone new that I don't really think most people give it much thought anymore - at least I would hope not. Career-wise being a single parent is undoubtedly a struggle but people do do it.
I hope you don't mind my addressing this.
I had read your first post in which you intimated having experienced this yourself from your parents. ((( Anil )))
I am so sorry that someone in your life treated you this way. (not meant pityingly but compassionately) They were wrong to do so. No parent has the right under any circumstance to say such a thing to a child.
Respectfully,
IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else......
"I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".
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seeking_to_adopt
To EZ2Luv and kakuehlI think you have misread my post.I am talking of when the baby grows up to a child 6,7,8,9,10...Would you agree with the following?[LIST][*]Almost certainly it will show traits of the father.[/LIST][LIST][*]IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else and pursue a career.[/LIST][LIST][*]if they are estranged like now, she will begin to think thoughts and also tell the child, "I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".[/LIST]-Anil
I think that's a really good point Kathy. (Re: everything being different either way).
For me, career was VERY difficult after placement because I didn't want to get off the couch. I just wanted to lay there zone out. I didn't think I deserved a good job, and then I felt guilty about doing something positive - like I was benefitting from placing Cupcake - and that didn't feel right AT ALL.
LIFE has become more difficult. In the same way as if I parented? Probably not, but believe me - it has.
I think it might actually be easier for me to have a successful relationship as a single Mom than as a first Mom! But I suppose I just haven't figured out how to navigate that path yet.....
Seeking - While I understand you come to your views based on personal experience and I'm sorry you've endured this pain from your mother, I do want to caution you on making generalized blanket statements.
There are many single moms who have children and do not treat their children the way your mother treated you. It would be very offensive to others reading here if they saw themselves painted with such broad strokes as you are doing.
Share your experiences and personal views based on that, but please don't apply them to an entire group of people.
Thanks!
Hey TG! :grouphug:
Big hugs your way this morning!
For me, I've found - even as a double surrenderer - that the two men in my personal life since relinquishment (my ex and my now-hubby) were both extremely compassionate towards me. In fact my ex-husband and I had met and were friends during the last 2 months of my pregnancy with my son. So he already knew about that - I did tell him about my daughter also. He was nothing but kind.
With my now-hubby, I had planned to tell him straight out one night while we were talking (we were about 4 months into our relationship at that point). I had borrowed some courage from Jackie (though I didn't explain to her why I needed it) and had decided to simply lay things out on the line and then IM her and have a breakdown if it backfired. LOL! That was the plan at any rate.
I figured either he'd accept me or he'd bail but I wasn't going to live my life worrying he'd find out one day. Then out of the blue while I was preparing myself for the big talk, he told me something about his life that he felt I needed to know if we were going to take things further. He said, "I figure either you'll want me or you won't but I can't live with this over my head worrying that somebody will tell you down the road".
!!!!!
So we talked with each other; shared our pain and stories and promised to never use that pain against one another in any of the fights we'd surely have downt the road.
I've found TG that men are far more forgiving than women. (Sigh....outside of my brothers but then our shared history influences their fear and pain every bit as much as it does mine. That family stuff......whooo boy!)
But, truly, the men I've loved and cared about seem to be less judgemental of what I've faced in my life. It's always been women who were the problem which is why when I first came onto this site and posted I waited for all sorts of nasty replies. Shame on me for not having more faith in the good people here. :-(
Anyhoo....As far as the two relationships themselves have gone, I was so far down in the basement in my first marraige that I spent my entire time trying to pretend I'd been from somewhere else. Shiney White Janey was in power. Part of that was ex's disease for sure....but most of it was me pushing the howling pain of relinquishment back into the edges of my mind and heart where it festered.
With now-hubby, it has been different. He listens when I talk about what it was like. And sometimes he asks how "the babes on the forum are doing" :love: Adoption does affect us but in that I grieve more and he stands by and respects that.
((( TG ))) I understand how very hard it is to finally placed one's heart in someone else's hands and then say to them, "I have something to tell you about my life". Because then you have to wait there fearing rejection. But it's all right you know. There's lots of great guys out there. Lots of princes cleverly disguised as froggies but cute froggies! It's just we ran into some toads in our day that's all.
Love ya much!:flower:
I think it might actually be easier for me to have a successful relationship as a single Mom than as a first Mom! But I suppose I just haven't figured out how to navigate that path yet
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crick
Seeking - While I understand you come to your views based on personal experience and I'm sorry you've endured this pain from your mother, I do want to caution you on making generalized blanket statements.
There are many single moms who have children and do not treat their children the way your mother treated you. It would be very offensive to others reading here if they saw themselves painted with such broad strokes as you are doing.
Share your experiences and personal views based on that, but please don't apply them to an entire group of people.
Thanks!
ANIL(SEEKING TO ADOPT), I have responded to another of your post, where you asked a question, and so I answered honestly. I am going to take a " leap and guess you are of an international family, and you may not be so "'in- tune" with ''our ways", and or beleifs". It seems to me, that what you are saying, is NOT meant to be for ALL women, but more so, you are seeing and speaking of you own pains and history. I will let you in on how I dealt with some of what you, also lived! First, off, I was told daily horrific , hateful, and down right mean, things...what we call mental and emtional abuse! However, in growing up and having my own child, I have NEVER REPEATED my history I had with my mother... with my son...NEVER. So in saying this to you, my intent is to show you, that what you live and survive, does NOT have to be repeated! I was also physically abused, most days spent hiding from my mom, until my father returned home, or when I had assigned chores did those and hid ......but NEVER 1 single time did I abuse my son. We are Blessed in our lives...all of us...to have CHOICE, and FREEDOM. A mother CAN, AND DOES raise children without the father...and does so quite successfully. SOME are raped, still decide to parent, and raise and love that child, as only a Mother can...doing this WITHOUT ever "SEEING" that rapist/fathers similarities in that child. So it can and is done. The OP is so torn, on the IDEA of 'THE MAN OF HER DREAMS", or keeping a child, and parenting...with this latter choice, the MAN OF HER DREAMS...will leave! So I hope this has helped you somewhat, in how most of "US" think , feel, and deal with some of these issues , here in in U.S. Blessings, keep coming to post,just try a little harder to see a bigger picture of the issues...BLESSINGS...C.J.:coffee: