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My husband and I have been talking and visiting a birth mother since November. The entire time she was 100% certain she would give the baby to us so we could adopt him. We hired a lawyer in her state, did a completed a home study, and even did the counseling with the birth mother required by that state. When she went into labor she called us and we rushed to her side. When the baby was born she had them put the bracelet on me but we were only given 20 mins with the baby. Later, we were able to be with him again and were able to be with him for his 1st assessment and bath. We made plans to return to the hospital (birthmom wanted to spend the 1st night alone with him to be able to say good bye.) the next day. We got a TM the next day saying not to come that day but to come the next day. The next day we got a text message that said she had changed her mind and she appreciated all our help and support.We are still a little in shock and devistated but coping quite well. But now what?We have a home study done and we have spent a lot of money and nothing to show for it. Finances are getting pretty low but we really want to be parents. What should we do? We have about $5,000 to complete an adoption. Race isn't important to us but my husband feels he needs to be able to meet the birthmom and see if he connects with them. We also don't know about putting ads in papers. Does that really work? My doctor told me he could put me on some meds and in 6 months I could probably be fertile but I am terrified about having a miscarrage. And I am 34 and have never tried to get pregnant. Adoption has always been in the plans for us and I had hoped to adopt before trying to get pregnant (if ever).We are confused and need help. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry it's so long. Kristin
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Kristen, I am so sorry you and hubby have not found the baby that is meant to be yours. I am a first/birthmom, and will always advocate the Mother choosing to parent, for if at all possible the child should be with its own family of origins. A note for future referenc( the title of Birthmom , is only used after she fully relinquishes her child;)! You will be a great Mom, but in GODS time, and sometimes his clock runs slower than others;). Please be patient, it will happen and you will be the Mommy you were meant to be. Just a thought , but maybe you and DH, might think harder about looking into trying to conceive, especially since your Dr. is willing to help by putting you on meds...just a thought worth more discussion???? Either way, I do so wish you and DH, the best, and send this with Blessings..C.J.
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Kristin, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling. I would suggest taking a little time off from adoption to mourn this situation. When you feel like you can move forward then I'd start investigating free alternatives to finding birth parents. Yes, you can advertise in newspapers but you can also advertise on Craigslist, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, etc. There have been news articles of people finding emoms by placing a short video on YouTube. You can also send a letter to a few doctor offices in case they get a patient who is considering adoption. There are many ways to advertise, try finding a book on independent adoptions. Good luck!
You are also able to claim a failed domestic adoption on your federal taxes, as part of the adoption tax credit. (Normal restrictions apply, like income limits.) The only catches to claiming it for a failed adoption are: 1 - you have to wait until the year AFTER the expense to claim it - if you had those expenses in 2008, you can claim them on your 2009 taxes. 2 - you won't be able to use the full adoption tax credit once you have successfully adopted - it will be reduced by the amount you already claimed for this failed one. But one of your main concerns seems to be financial, and this would help you recoup some of your costs to date, allowing you to spend that money again later on another attempt. The IRS form you will need is form 8839. Read the instructions for how to fill it out, there are special things to do when you did not have a successful adoption (and therefore don't have a name or SS number for a child to fill in). Hang in there, and good luck!
Thanks ladies for the advice. I did know about the tax credit but I really don't want to wait that long. I'm kinda a "fall off the horse get right back" on kinda girl.I was thinking about contacting the obgyn offices but was unsure if that ever really worked. And I think I will try the online routes for sure. Thanks. Besides finding the baby myself, does anyone have any suggestions?Thanks for all the love and support.Kristin
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can sympathize with you. Last year we had connected w/a birthmom in another state. Got the call, grabbed our son (4 at the time) and jumped in the car to drive to GA. We missed the birth because the birthmom had to undergo an emergency csection. Spent the next three days in the hospital with the baby. Took her back to our hotel. Next morning we got the call to bring her back. Needless to say my family was devastated. My son still asks where his little sister is.
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Have you considered "baby born" situations? Apparently there are situations in which the baby has been born and TPR has been signed, so the child is available to be be adopted. I have never gone through such a situation, but there are some who have or know more about this than I do (Linny!). Best of luck.
Baby born situations? What is that? Who do I contact to get more info on this? I have been calling agencies all day. Everyone is telling me $16-20,000 even with the home study done. So I just don't know what to do. I am worried about having a child pulled away from me again. If not, I would just take foster parenting classes and we would foster to adopt.There is just so much to process and routes to take. I need a tour guide and to win the lotto. :arrow:
I am so sorry for this plan not working out as you had hoped. When I as a little girl my family also had a failed placement of a newbron that actually was living at out home and had to be reurned so I know how devastating this can be. I am a firm believer that God has a baby that is meant to be yours. I pray that the baby that God intends to be yours finds your arms, be it through adoption or biology. Baby born situations are babies that have already been born and are waiting for familes to adopt them. I belive Linny is a member in the know about Baby Born situations or at least knows alott more than I do. I can certainly understand your fears of another failed placement. They don't say adoption is a rollercoaster for nothing. EZ
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Ahh! Got it. Thank you so much for the support. I really do believe that there is a plan for us. It's easy to say "what is meant to be will be" when things are easy and happy, but it really shows what you are made of when you can believe in it when your heart is broken. And I believe in that.I will look up this infamous "Linny"! :coffee:Thanks again. :grouphug:
KB, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I also wanted to add that i have "heard" that some agencies will base adoption costs on a sliding fee scale. You may want to call some local agencies to see what their policies are. Unfortunately, I do think it is very rare to find adoption costs less than 15-20K... Do you have a home equity line that you can borrow against? that can kind of give you some more money to "play around" with until you get the money from the credit back. Also, there is also the option of adopting from foster care which is "free," as I understand it but I "think" may require more than just an approved HS (sorry, not sure). Thinking of you, and hoping that you find your child soon. Hang in there!