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We are within a month of adopting an 11 year old boy we have had for 2 years. His behavior has always been challenging to say the least but the last 2 months has been horrible. He has been stealing money from my purse, telling huge, creative lies, generally we cannot trust a thing he says or does right now. He has always lied but not like this. We have tried good and bad consequences, a point system, big rewards, etc. As his behaviors get worse, our anxiety about all this is growing. He has crashed out of many prior foster homes and we are the only ones to keep him this long. Are we totally crazy? His therapist says he has made great strides with us but now even she is baffled. He still does the dumbest things when he knows the consequences will be severe. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband is ready to bolt and I'm thinking about it for the first time. I need to hear what to do and some hope that he will improve after the papers are signed. Help!!!
I wonder if he's just testing to make sure you *REALLY* want him...that it's really forever. If you give up on him now, you're only proving that he's unlovable IMO...
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The behaviors always get worse immediately before and immediately after finalization. He needs to push you away before you reject him. He knows in his head it's only a matter of time, so better he control it then you. That way you throw him out because of what he chose to do instead of because of who he is.
However, if your dh is done and you have questions, then wait to finalize. There are no guarantees of change.
I would tend to agree that he is testing. However, if you are completely sure of this, can you take it slower and wait a few more months to work it out with him? ALthough, if the finalization is the stress, then perhaps he wont resolve it until some months after it is over? I am sorry the counselor doesnt have more advixe that would help. What does you CW say?
We experienced very similar behaviors right before adopting our seven year old last summer. She has lived with us since she was four and has made great progress in overcoming very severe RAD. Just prior to the adoption lots of the behaviors resurfaced but I am happy to report that she is back to doing great. I can't promise that for you of course but I just wanted you to know that we had seen the same thing in our daughter. She is doing great now, getting straight A's, and more importantly very attached, and very well behaved at home and school.
greenmama
I wonder if he's just testing to make sure you *REALLY* want him...that it's really forever. If you give up on him now, you're only proving that he's unlovable IMO...
I definitely agree. I went to a panel with older teens (17+) who were in foster care and you were able to ask them why they do stuff and things that bother them. Several of them have said that when they were close to being adopted they would test this person to see if they were really in it for the long haul cause they were afraid that once the checks stopped coming then so would the care and compassion. HE may be making sure that you are really gonna keep him and not abandon him like others.
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Have you thought about putting him in respite & taking a weekend off? Give yourself a breather - it sounds like your not ready to give up on him but need a break. Good luck.
picklesjane
We are within a month of adopting an 11 year old boy we have had for 2 years. His behavior has always been challenging to say the least but the last 2 months has been horrible. He has been stealing money from my purse, telling huge, creative lies, generally we cannot trust a thing he says or does right now. He has always lied but not like this. We have tried good and bad consequences, a point system, big rewards, etc. As his behaviors get worse, our anxiety about all this is growing. He has crashed out of many prior foster homes and we are the only ones to keep him this long. Are we totally crazy? His therapist says he has made great strides with us but now even she is baffled. He still does the dumbest things when he knows the consequences will be severe. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband is ready to bolt and I'm thinking about it for the first time. I need to hear what to do and some hope that he will improve after the papers are signed. Help!!!
Well, no guarantee, but the time leading up to the actual adoption can be very stressful- I'd bet that after the court hearing you'll see a major turnaround. I've adopted 5 older kids, most out of foster care, with a 6th pending- My last adoption was a boy who came at 11, was adopted at 14- he had a rough time just before the adoption hearing, and literally walked out of the courtroom a new kid. Good luck
You guys saved my sanity with this thread. Thank you all so much!!!
Yesterday, after days of repeatedly bad behavior lately from G, who is 10, (including disrespecting us, being belligerent, disobedient, lying ALOT, etc.) on the way home from school, I told him that I know it's a scary time for him (the adoption should be final next month), but that we are never going to stop loving him, and we are NOT going to change our minds about adopting him, that he is stuck with us!!!
He sat quietly (which is a real feat for him), and when we pulled in the driveway, he apologized for his behavior (without prompting), and spent the evening cuddling with me and crawling in my lap for hugs.
It was a good night, thanks to everyone's input here. We will continue to reassure him as much as possible, and hope the agency gets a move on with the paperwork so we can have updates for him.
Thanks again!
He is probably far more scared than you are at this point. At 11 he can't verbalize that fear or express exactly what is in his mind, so it comes out in other ways. The boy we're adopting is 15 and when he was 11-12, he did exactly the same thing.... basically sabatoged an adoption when it got close to finalization because he was scared. The pre adoptive parents bailed on him, which to him proved that he was right about them, that they wouldn't stand by him. He still resents them for it now. He promises not to do that to us, but we'll see when the time comes, we're still several months from finalization... whatever he throws at us, we'll work through and are here for him. These kids need SOMEONE to love them unconditionally.
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Wanted to come back and post again, after the adoption. We are battle-scarred, but wiser than before finalization.
Adoption day and the next day were wonderful. Great days of bonding, wonderful days of love. Then, the third day arrived, and our little guy woke that day an angry, scared boy, and spent the next two days putting me through the mill (my husband works nights, so it's just G and me during the week). He pushed me away as hard as he could emotionally, being as hurtful as possible in a passive-aggressive way. I was blindsided, but shouldn't have been. After 2 days of this kind of behavior, our little guy more or less 'returned'.
Two weeks later, it's up and down around here. He will cling to us for a couple of days, then push us away the next. He went from wanting to call us Mom and Dad after the adoption (we've always given him the choice to do that at any time, if he'd like) to saying he may never call us Mom and Dad. Did anything happen, you ask? No. We continue to treat our son as we always have from day one. In our hearts he has been our son since almost the beginning of our time together.
We both love this child with all our hearts, and continue to reassure him that we are his family forever now, that no matter how he treats us, we will always love him.
I know it's still early in our forever family, and I have no doubt that our love will continue to grow, and G will continue to heal. I guess I'm trying to say that finalizing may not necessarily make things better. It really depends on the child. Your hardest work as Mom and Dad may take place after the adoption. But, maybe it just feels that way to me because now my heart is completely bared to our boy, so it's just more painful than it would have been earlier.
Congrats on your adoption! ONe thing that helped my ds when we were transitioning from him calling us his names to Mom and Dad, was for us to call him "son". He started by referring to us as mom and dad to his friends, to calling us mom and dad. It was awesome!
Thank you for your very kind words. Adoption day was such a sweet one, and I journaled those memories so I wouldn't forget one moment of the day.
We do refer to him as our son, and to each other as mom and dad. He refers to us as his parents to others.
I believe the biggest struggle he is having is that he's afraid of the big "unknown" in permanency. He can't ever remember having it before, and it's the 'big scary' right now. I know that will get better over time.
Thanks again for the kind words.
Just some advice for the behavior issues... read "The Connected Child" by Karyn Purvis. Life changing book that takes a look at WHY the child has this behavior and how to best deal with it. Totally love based.
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