not a happy story

If you want a happy story about How I'm so happy my mom didn't choose abortion, hearts and flowers bs, this ain't it. After everything I went through, My life, I wish she did have an abortion. I don't belong anywhere in this world and it becomes more aparent to me every day! How many years I've spent pissed off and depressed. My family didn't know how to handle it, or even what to do about all my problems. At 10, I contemplated suicide. Yes, 10. I knew what suicide was and I actually considered it. I was tired of being treated like a freak. I'd ask mom and dad about my biological parents and they would give me the standard "well she was poor and loved you so much, she gave you up"and the old one "your special, we choose you". I wish people would understand that it doesn't help to hear that. Yea, you chose me after my own mother rejected me. I tried to talk to mom and dad over the years about wanting to know more. Dad got mad and yelled that I was being selfish and ungrateful, and I had a perfect life. The worst was my mother giving me the "well she might have got remarried and didn't tell her husband about you and if you find her you'll ruin her life", crap. Great way to help a depressed teen with horrible self esteem. Dad came from a poor family and his parents were abusive drunks who treated him and his brothers and sisters like garbage. He couldn't understand just why I couldn't be a "happy", or normal kid. They couldn't understand that it wasn't about them, or what they did or didn't give me. I had a right to my feelings but my dad just didn't get it. They did the best they could with me, considering I didn't come with a manual or instructions. Mom and dad took me to a couple of doctors, psychiatrists. I don't think they knew how to handle it either. All they did was treat the least of the symptoms, depression. So as a 12-13 year old kid I was on meds for depression. Well, none of it helped. I was still depressed and angry, treated like a freak at school by everyone who knew I was adopted. It was as if I did something wrong. "Your mom threw you in the garbage", Or even better "She thought you were 2 ugly". I remember having a friend who's mother told her that she wasn't allowed to be my friend anymore because I was adopted. This was from a so called "good church going woman". So at 15 I said "to hell with this bull****", and stopped taking the meds for depression. They didn't help anyway. I got in trouble at school for something I wrote. Someone found it "disturbing", and the Principal found out that I was seeing a shrink and on meds. Well I told him the truth, that I stopped taking my meds and wasn't going to live on a crutch anymore. So he called mom and dad, who both came to the school and freaked out. More because of the cost of the medication I wasn't taking and they were concerned that just stopping medication could make me sick. Well, In truth I didn't care. The doctor was upset and put me back on meds to slowly take me off. I explained that I wasn't going to live on crutches anymore and that I had to live my life. The meds didn't make me feel any better. I was still pissed off, and depressed and it didn't stop any of the kids at school from bulling me. So I quit. I got older, and more rebellious. I felt alone, an outcast that wasn't loved and hated by society. I started using drugs at 16 to kill the lowliness, and at 21 I stayed drunk for about 5 years. I met a few guys, and while I wanted some kind of love an affection, they took advantage of me. I wanted love so much, I believed the first ******* who told me that me loved me. Next thing you know, I'm pregnant. His first words were, "is it mine". Well I don't know a$$****, I haven't been with anybody in over a year so who else could be the dad? Little did I know he was screwing around with anything that moved and quite possibly had more than one kid. I felt so detached from my own child. I couldn't acknowledge that I was pregnant. I hid it from my parents as long as I could. I didn't get prenatal care until late in my pregnancy. I couldn't acknowledge that this thing inside me was my child. Even when she was born, and I almost died from blood loss, I couldn't feel. Even holding my child, she didn't feel like mine. I couldn't even bond with my own child. I didn't want to give her up. My mother forced me to do so. Both my parents told me I was out of the family if I didn't. I had nowhere else to go. The devil you know is sometimes better than the one you don't. All these years later, when I got off the drugs and the drinking (I still drink from time to time, but not as much), I had to deal with the pain. I did to my child what my mother did to me. It was too late to take any of it back. How do you explain this to any man in your life? Some I didn't even tell. I was scared of being alone, but letting anyone in was even scarier. What kind of a woman abandons her child to strangers, even ones she picked? Not to mention the fact that they didn't share my faith. I was scared of my daughter going to Jesus freaks who would tell her that her mother was a bad evil witch (all because I'm Wiccan). Still, I was angry that my life, my heritage and my identity were taken from me. I wanted some of it back, at least my tribal affiliation (if it is there). So I decided to search for info on my birth parents. I found the key to mom's lockbox when she was out of town. I opened it to find my adoption papers. I found out that my mom and dad were married, but he left after my mother got pregnant with me. I had a brother, a year or 2 older than me. Mom was 19 when I was born (same age I was when I had my daughter). She got married to get away from her mom and stepdad, who she couldn't stand. She tried to raise me, but had no help from family, no child support, and no options for daycare. The agency said that a doctor told mom that I had symptoms of separation anxiety at 9 months, and neglect. I wasn't being picked up enough, played with, stuff like that. So I think she put me up before CPS had a chance to take me away, or maybe they did. I don't know. The agency who handled my adoption was Children's Home Society of Florida. I looked up their website for more information, and you would not believe how condescending their stuff is. The fees they charge are nothing more than a racket, highway robbery! Bad enough that they stole my identity and heritage, but they want to charge me to get it back. AND IT GET'S BETTER! They only will give you the information they feel is "in your best interest and the interest of all parties involved". I understand protecting my mother's privacy, but WHO THE F*** ARE THEY TO DECIDE WHAT IS IN MY BEST INTEREST! How do I know what they tell me is the truth? How do I know that they aren't lying to me so they don't get prosecuted for violating the Indian Child Welfare Act ? I am a grown woman who can make her own choices, but to not tell me anything is like saying "you have cancer, but we don't know where it is so we can't treat it." I can't heal the wounds on my heart without having the full picture. Was I taken away from my mother? Did she have tribal affiliation? Was I bad? Did I cry to much or need too much? Did I look too much like daddy? Good or bad, I can deal with it, but I have to diagnose the disease before I can find the cure. I can't live my life like I do now. I'm p***** off. I feel robbed and abandoned. I'm still the scared little child who doesn't understand what is happening to her. I'm angry that anyone thinks that they have the right to decide what is in "my best interest". For once, I'm taking control of my life. So here it is. I'm giving myself one year to find the truth and take my life back. It's that or I will take back control over my life by ending it. I will not let some agency condemn me to a life of loneliness and anger, because it's in "my best interest". I will control my life and it's end. I have till next December. At that point, if things remain where they are now I will curl up in bed with a good bottle of absinthe, and some sleeping pills. I will never again wake up in a cold bed, all alone and depressed. I'll be free. No more anger or pain. No more control over my life by some agency. It's an end to things, and a fitting one I feel. Please don't bother to say "go get therapy", been there done that. I looked into it for dealing with this, and all the adoption agency had was some group for birth parents. I can't stand up in a room full of strangers and talk about this. They might refer me to a private ther-rapist who will probably want to shove pills down my throat. Look, I'm not crazy. I want to end my life because I won't be condemned to live like I do. I had no choice. Only a crazy masochist would want to live like that. I will be the one in control, not my parents, and NOT CHS!