Earning your trust??

Hello!!! :) How can families earn and keep the trust of a bmom? What do you wish families would of done for you? As a bmom, my answer applies to both of your questions.... follow through with promises. I think it is wonderful that you are thinking about the bmom and the impact the adoption may have. :flower:

Building trust with a first/birth mom is the same as building trust with anyone else. Follow through on things you say you'll do. Don't make promises you can't keep (or that you aren't sure you'll be able to keep). Be respectful. Be forth coming. Be genuine. As for making it easier. It may not be possible but its different for everyone so you'll have to actually ask her what she wants. And keep in mind it may change. I personally lived for days that pictures adn letters arrived in my mailbox but I've heard from others that they needed space at first and seeing the pictures were just too hard. Communication is key. Oh and also in the beginning I was too scared of "bothering" my son's parents to initiate contact. So lack of contact isn't necessarily lack of interest.

I don't know if you're looking just for insight from mothers who placed their children in another home. I'm a Momma via adoption so I'm not sure if my thoughts on this will matter as much. I really think one of the huge things a potential adoptive families is to fully realize that until the expecting/new mother/parents says so, their baby is not "my baby". Over and over again, I hear first mothers speaking to how they felt minimized, less of a mother in the time they really wanted to mother, that of the pregnancy and finally, making the decision about how their child would be parented, and who would do the parenting. To me, that kind of respect can go along way. It's hard as we sometimes can get an ideal as to how we want things to go, but the thing about adoption is that it isn't like anything else. It is a unique experience in which we as potential adopting families have little control over. One thing both of our kid's other moms commented on after we met was that we were the people they thought we were when they looked at our profile. Authenticity was huge in that, they realized in us, that we weren't trying to just put our best foot forward but to be completely honest about who we are. I took this as quite a humbling comment because we're definitely not perfect, and I'm grateful they saw and could relate to the realness of our life even though we came from different backgrounds than they did. It was a nugget of information I have carried with me since. Be true. Don't be anyone else. The other thing that I've really tried to do (not that it has always helped as we've struggled in our relationships with our kiddos' other families) is always keep our promises. Even though (in our situations) their other families are quite non-responsive to our updates, or even our continuous open door to the possibility of visits, we still do the updates, send the pictures, remind them of our contact information, even offer again and again that we're still open to visit. It is quite discouraging at times, but still, I promised I would. And if nothing else, for my kids' sake we will still try to keep some semblance of openness as much as it is possible for us. As for the first few months... I hope someone can help you with that... both our kids' other families were struggling greatly in that time just to survive for so many reasons, some related to the adoption probably (although I don't know) and others that involved longterm issues, and really didn't respond to our offers of support. All I know is to be there. Be available if that is what you agree to. Be honest and vulerable along with them. That's all I know to do. I am sure you'll get some excellent responses from mothers who placed and can offer you more insight than me.

Personally, I jumped in feet first with complete trust in Cupcake's Mom. Open adoption was her idea, and she encouraged it from the beginning. I began to believe in it and was looking forward to developing a relationship with not just my daughter, but with her Mother. That was over two years ago. Today? I'm marking the fourth week (to the day) since I heard from Cupcake's Mom after she said she'd get back to me to set up a visit. Does this make me lose faith in her? You better believe it. Follow through and timeliness is HUGE for me - especially in this relationship. If she's not ready for a visit and would tell me that? I'd be disappointed, but I would respect her honesty and it wouldn't have shaken my trust in her. But when emails aren't returned, visits are postponed, and promises aren't kept? It makes it so very hard for me to continue like this....I will - for my daughter, but it's something I wouldn't put up with in any other relationship, and I'm afraid that I'll start to resent that it's something I do have to put up with in this relationship.

Simple: Mean what you say and say what you mean. Treat her with the respect and honesty that you would want to be treated with. Or rather, the way the child would WANT you to treat her! I think about that part a lot, that when my DD's a-mom ignores my messages or isn't up front with me. I wonder what DD would think if she knew how her mom treats me, and if she would be upset about it. I think it sends an important message that you value their whole being, not the part that began when they joined your family, KWIM? Remember also that the child's mothers are in mirror image situations. Right now, you are using blind faith to trust that the PBM is going to follow through and honor her promises to relinquish her rights to let you adopt her child. You are waiting on eggshells and hoping and praying that things work out. After the adoption, that flips, and now the birthmom is using blind faith that you will follow through and honor your promises. She is waiting on eggshells and hoping and praying that things will be positive. Never forget how that feels to be on the other side.

Those are some great responses ladies! Thank you so much. I would love to hear from anyone if there is anything you wished your aparents would have done those first few months after you chose an adoption plan. Our agency wants us to do a "birthmom presentation" where our birthmom will literally hand us her child. I am terrified of this because of what we went through with the death of our child; literally handing her to the nurse after her heart stopped beating and she took her last breath! I felt like a piece of me had died and my heart was completely shattered. We grieve the death of our relationship with her and all that could have been. And, I see so many similiarities as I learn more about domestic adoption and birthparents! We have worked through Kylie's death and have found joy in her life; yet I struggle because I feel like our complete joy in being able to parent another child comes at the expense of intense pain on the part of the birthparent. So, how do I ease that pain? How do I help?

That is the reality, unfortunately, in adoption; namely, that the adoptive family's joy comes at the expense of the birthmother's pain. There is no getting around this. Even, as in my case, where I felt adoption was the very best thing for my son, there is no escaping this fact. I don't think, personally, you are responsible for easing the birthmother's pain, nor do I think you can. I'm not sure anyone can. My experience was that I had to do the grief work myself and process all the emotions that came up on my own. I did have counseling, and friends who were supportive, but still, they cannot fully understsand what a birthmother goes through, and everyone's experience is unique in terms of how we process our grief. Even if I could have had contact with my son's adoptive parents, I would not wanted to turn to them for emotional support because I'd feel like I was burdening them or overloading them with my issues. Perhaps other birthmoms in OA can speak to this, but my guess is they probably want to keep a certain boundary in terms of the grief work they do pertaining to the losses they feel, and not have the boundaries blurred where they are looking to their children's parents for so much emotional support, but rather to simply be the parents they want for their child, and to honor whatever arrangement was made. I think especially in open adoption (I had semi-open, so my situation was a bit different), what is most devastating to a birthmother is having what was agreed upon change, or worse, close completely. So keeping to the terms of the OA would be crucial, and would be a very good way for you to build trust. In my semi-open, we didn't even have a formal arrangement (this was not even an option at the time I placed). I was just fortunate that nearly every time I asked for an update, I got something. If the updates had stopped abruptly and I never heard further, this would have been upsetting to me. It sounds like you are a sensitive and empathetic person, so that right there will go a long way in helping to build a good relationship with your child's birthmother and I think that should be your focus. For me, getting pictures and letters even just in semi-open helped me a great deal. It did not take the grief and loss away, mind you. That still took a lot of personal work on my part. But seeing him in his photos and knowing what he looked like and hearing that he was well and healthy took a lot of worry from me and brought me joy, too. If you are not comfortable with the "birthmom presentation" the way the agency wants you to do it, is there another way, perhaps a less formal way, for you to receive your child? Maybe if it's more relaxed and not having a ceremony behind it, it won't feel so terrifying. Maybe, too, the birthmother who selects you can come up with some ideas that work for the both of you, rather than having the agency dictate how it should be done.

From the sound of it, a "birthmom presentation" sounds traumatic for both sides. I for sure could not have dealt with a formal "handing over" ceremony, and truthfully, do you want to see that raw emotion? I think when your child is put in your arms it should be a happy time for you to celebrate your parenthood, and not worry too much about the pain that is present for the birthmom. In regards to my pain, it is what it is. It's part of adoption. Nothing and no one can ease that for me, it's something that I have to process. And it's an ongoing process, for me 17 years later it's still there in a different form. I did have contact with my DD's mom after relinquishment, and she would always ask about my pain and if I had regrets, and even if I was devistated beyond comprehension I would have still told her I was "fine". Because in regards to the adoption it IS fine. It's the loss that creates the pain. And the nature of adoption is my loss equals her greatest joy. I would not have wanted to deprive her of that. Even now, I will acknowledge that pain exists, but only because it is what it is, and my DD's joy is way more important to me. You need to let he process things in her own way, and the best thing you can do is simply be a mom to the baby. I wonder, do you think the fact that the agency is asking for this is the reason why this is on your mind? I think it's evident that you are a compassionate person, (and I love that!) but I would be overly anxious and uncomfortable about such a ceremony if I was adopting. It's probably meant to be some "cutesy" agency thing but it just seems so inappropriate to me. Is there a way you can skip it if it makes you uncomfortable?

The only thing is stick to what you say. As Brown said "Mean what you say and say what you mean". I have what is/was supposed to be an open adoption. My last visit was almost a year ago (26 days to make a year). I found out 3 months later after I asked for a visit as I was told they were "too busy" and I would have to set them up -- that they were stopping visits (again) because of something. They agreed to phone mediation and someone has been trying since January to get this started.Yeap, some anger there and I am sorry to just dump it here.If you are uncomfortable with the "birthmom presentation" tell them. There is such a thing called an entrustment ceremony which is a heck of a better thing, from what I have heard.

Do what you say you will do. Understand that pregnancy hormones are crazy and tack on placing a child.... the grief can be tough to work through and you may not be able to help. Honestly, I wouldn't have wanted my son's amom's help. I really just wanted her to be quiet and stop asking silly questions most of the time. Two months after you place a child you really aren't thinking about having more... of course she asked if I was.. sigh. Remember that the pregnancy and birth are the first parents and not yours. Sure you may get to share in them, but don't give details to everyone and their dog. You'll do fine. OA can be tough, but even when it hurts like heck, I'm glad I'm involved in it for the sake of my son.

I for sure could not have dealt with a formal "handing over" ceremony, and truthfully, do you want to see that raw emotion? No, I don't want to see it! I don't know that I could handle it without becoming a ball of emotions. And does the birthmother really want to see me lose my cookies receiving the child? I don't think so! =) I wonder, do you think the fact that the agency is asking for this is the reason why this is on your mind? I think this is part of it. I brought it up to our social worker yesterday because it has been on my mind so much. I told her this is the one thing that gives me anxiety about this process. I am not comfortable with it and I don't think they would force the issue. I think their hope in the birthmother presentation is basically for the birthmom to say anything she wants to say and then physically hand us her child, for closure (the child really is with the adoptive parents, not still at the hospital or agency or ....) and for us to say anything we want to say and physically receive the child, telling her that we accept the responsibility of parenting the child! I can understand the reasoning behind it, but it is not something I would pursue or ask of a birthmom. If she really wanted to do it, I think we would do it for her and I will just have to pray that God gives the me the strength and peace to get through it. I think it is also on my mind however because I am a researcher by nature. I want to know and understand both sides of a domestic adoption. I don't want to go into this with my eyes closed, not looking or considering the other side. I think that would be very ignorant of me. I grew up in a home where I was told that my biological mom left me on my dad's doorstep and never looked back. My biological mom tried for 16 years to have a relationship with me, but my stepmom refused to allow it. Therefore, I did not grow up with a great view of "birthmom's". So, I decided to learn for myself, read books, read blogs, find the truth; because I cannot imagine that decision my biological mom made for me was done purely out of immaturity and selfishness (as I'd been told). And because I'm educating myself, I am learning what an enormous amount of grief, pain and heartache is associated with most domestic adoptions. I know this is inevitable, but if there is something that we can do, I'd prefer to be proactive.

I agree, you must be a person of your word - always! I think you have gotten great advice from the ladies, but I wanted to add one point. Right now, all the nice things you think about the birthmother and the "gift" of her child, as you are hoping to adopt and meet the right match - keep those thoughts while you raise the child. If your child ever wants to meet his/her birthmother, or if you do have an open adoption but there later is a reunion, please remember the thoughts and feelings you have right now, while you are hoping to be an adoptive mother. My child was adopted by people in my own family, and while I was so loving and generous when I was pregnant and they were hoping to raise my child, now that he has been their child for all these years, and I have been out of the picture, I am all kinds of things. They want no knowledge - no recollection that I even exist. In my experience, the long hard haul of it is just as bad as the initial experience.

Tem, I am an amom, but just wanted to say I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. And I wish you lots of luck moving forward with adoption!We have an OA with DD's birth parents. I think probably the only "way" that we have earned trust with them is that we have always followed our OA agreement (DD will be 4 in May). I send our updates quarterly (if I am going to be a few days late, I email and let them know why, etc. - - DD's birth mom actually thanked me recently for always being timely with these) I know when our yearly visit is occurring, etc. and we plan ahead of time. I actually find it helpful to have a written OA agreement because sometimes I think the problem with OA is that no one knows what the heck is "expected." I do talk/email with DD's birth mom outside of our more formal "updates" and we have a good relationship (I am pretty sure she would say so too! but I can't speak for her!). The dads are less involved...guess that's more the way of men! I also think that you need to be realistic about what yo can do and what you want. Don't overpromise anything. Agree to only what you feel comfortable with and then things can grow, etc. Realize that the first few months after the baby is home in an OA is really, really hard (for both amoms and bmoms). I was kind of a wreck for a while because I was worried about how DD's birth mom was doing/feeling, etc. I hadn't joined this site yet, but I have now realized that her "healing process" really isn't any of my business (or responsibility). She wants me to be the best mom I can be to DD and I know she wants us to be happy. So that's sort of my focus. Anyway, best to you!!

I would add one more thing: I imagine there can be a lot of guilt for aparents in knowing that their joy will come as a result of someone else's pain. I would not want my son's parents to help me out of a sense of feeling guilty or to assuage their guilt. I'm not saying you are doing that, but I imagine that could potentially be an issue.