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I know this is one of those things that I need to decide for myself, but if anyone has words of wisdom it's appreciated. Right now my semi OA is limited to communication between my DD's mom and me. From a really surface point of view, it's not a bad relationship. She agreed to reopen the adoption from a closed situation a few years ago. She does welcome my e-mails anytime, she says just to write, and that she likes to hear from me. She sometimes writes back. Maybe a third of the time. But for the most part those e-mails are loving and she says she does consider us friends, and values that. She has given me her phone numbers and addresses and has sent pics. As far as sharing that kind of information, she has no hang ups about that. But there is a lot of things that she doesn't do. She doesn't respond to all the messages I send ( and I tend to send them every few months, and on holidays or birthdays) which is OK, but it's a lot of the important ones that she will not acknowledge. Like Christmas. Or more recently DD's birthday. She's not interested in setting up a schedule for contact, so I do my best to use my discretion and I've sort of gotten the hang of it, but it's still hard to send off an e-mail and not know if you are going to get a response or not (again, it's more the significant ones than the shoot the breeze ones that bother me.) She doesn't follow through. If she tells me that she will send pics, she doesn't. I haven't gotten a pic of DD in over a year. I'll remind her in a subsequent e-mail, but she just doesn't do it. She also won't answer a lot of my questions. Again, some of them are basic (what is DD studying? Is she going to work this summer?) but some are directly related to contact. Like whether DD is OK that we talk. Or whether she follows through with talking to her about it or what sort of questions DD has. I do get a lot of mixed signals as to where things are headed. Her mom has told me recently that I will meet her one day. But DD is not ready for that and I respect it. The last time the subject was discussed (last year) her mom was very defensive of my intentions (which I have made crystal clear over the course of the relationship and repeat frequently.) and she agreed to allow me to send something, but she never answered any of my follow up questions as to what happened, so I don't know if she followed through with the promise to give it to her. So I back off. When she doesn't send pics after my asking her to, I back off. When my questions don't get answers, I back off. I try to pick my battles and not make issues, but it bothers me that she can't answer me. lately I guess I'm getting aggrivated with the fact that this is supposed to be a relationship and I always put my feelings on the back burner. It's happened again recently and I just find it so hard to swallow. One minute it's OK, the next it's not. I hate the uncertainty of it, and part of me wants to try and clear up somethings. But I'm afraid to try, because I wonder if it's really worth it. DD will be 18 next year, and although technically I won't need to go through her mom anymore, I don't think it will be that simple. I do wonder what will happen at that point, whether I'll be allowed to contact her or not. I wonder what happens when I have sent things to her, even if it's not positive. I have to think that if her mom keeps telling me I'll meet her that she knows there is an interest on DD's part. I always thought the point of keeping contact was that I would know these things. I sense a lot of hesitence on her mom's part, which is discouraging after years of contact why she's still unsure, because either I'm not communicating effectively or it's just the way she is always going to be. Do you think it's fair of me to ask her to clarify some things? I think it's understandable for me to feel hurt and confused by her behavior, and I hate the word "entitled" but I feel like I am entitled to honest communication, not because I'm DD's birthmom, but because I'm in a relationship, and that in itself requires it. And how do I tread lightly in this situation where I don't come across like I'm attacking her or questioning her approach to the relationship? Or is it really a case of "it is what it is" and I have to back off and accept this will always be a relationship that is a one way street?
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Since I started this thread, I did mull over the idea of asking DD's mom to clarify things. I think I was going on 3-4 months of no response to contact, no pics, no answer to the Mothers Day card I e-mailed, nor the paper card I sent to her for DD this past year. To boot, I had been going through my e-mail contacts on Facebook and learned that she had an active Facebook profile with pics of the kids. That stung, since I had mentioned that I had a profile in one of my e-mails, I couldn't figure out how she was too busy to write me or throw me pics, but not too busy to upload pics to Facebook. Then I found out that I was pregnant with my first child since DD. In sharing the news with close family, I sent her an e-mail with the news figuring if she blew that off, the next e-mail would be to find out where her head was at, and if she wanted me to just wait until DD turned 18 and contact her myself. She responded right away with a very heartfelt e-mail that she was so happy for me, that I was already a great mom, and even said she wished we lived closer. (we are about 600 miles from eachother) She also gave me a brief update. I was relieved that she responded back so positively. A few weeks later, I went ahead and requested her as a friend on Facebook, and she accepted. So far, it's been a bit of a compromise that works. She uses it as a way to keep in contact with family that live far away, so she has tons of pics of DD that she updates every so often, and I can keep in the loop with what is going on over there as well. She even approached me one night to "chat" which ended up being just a few exchanges, but it was so nice that she reached out to me for once! At first I felt slighted when I saw just how often she was on there, since I pictured her to be too busy to really log in any computer time, given how infrequently she answered me. There were pics up on there from events that I had asked for pics on (birthday, prom etc.) and that stung as well. But I have since gotten over that, I guess I have the mentality that I get what I get and I shouldn't get upset ;) I did ask her about whether DD was aware that we were communicating on there, since she is also friends with her mom, and will be able to see anything I post publicly to her mom. She said she didn't and that DD would be able to figure it out on her own. She didn't seem too worried about it. I get the feeling that I'm not a frequently discussed topic in their house, which is OK. (I wasn't into talking to my mom about deeply personal stuff at 17 either) At least it gave her the opportunity to tell me if there are any "ground rules" (ie: no public posting in case DD gets upset) or let me know about whether DD has any objections to her sharing with me. As much as it's not the ideal situation, and I do find that it's interesting that she has taken more of an interest since I've been pregnant, I still feel some progress is better than nothing! I think she's just incredibly flaky, that she really doesn't remember when she uploads pics to send me them, or to respond to my e-mails with lenghty updates. Hopefully, this will make it easier to be in contact, even if it is passively. Thanks for asking :grouphug:
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Haven't really decided yet. If you would have asked me when I started this thread, I would have told you yes, I did plan on writing her around DD's graduation and telling her that I wanted to make contact so that if she should decide to pursue it on her own at college she had the option (her birthday falls at an awkward time with her sports schedule and school, I don't feel it's the right moment in her life to be introducing myself!). I actually have DD's direct e-mail address, but would never use it without a heads up. It's the respectful thing to do. Given the fact that we've taken a small step forward, I'd like to see how things are when that time comes before making that decision. I know that at 18 I don't have to go through her mom anymore, but I don't think it's fair to just disregard 4 years of trying to build a relationship unless it truly heads south beyond repair. I do genuinely think her mom has her heart in the right place, she is always telling me that DD will be proud of me and we will one day be friends, I just don't think she'd say those things if she didn't really think that. It would be a big slap in the face if suddenly 18 came and I said " Don't need you anymore, see ya!" I think DD would appreciate it more if I was respectful towards her mom and showed her the courtesy of talking about it first. However, if it doesn't turn out to be a positive discussion, I'd probably back off from her mom and start thinking about when to contact DD (and yes, I would tell her that I planned on doing that one day now that she is of age, regardless of what her mom's wishes are.) I still have some time, lets hope for the best :)
**NOTE: I'm speaking hypothetically since I'm not in reunion**
I know if I were your bdaughter, I would definitely appreciate it a lot if you at least tried to keep up discussion with my mom. That, for me, would show that you have respect for my adoptive family and what they mean to me. I just think it would say a lot about you as a person to continue to at least try with her amom.
Also remember (and I'm sure you've heard this a million times on here), 18 is still very young. I'm only 19 and can barely handle all of the responsibilities that come with college and life in general. I'm not saying she won't want a relationship, just remember where she's at developmentally.
Remember that I'm speaking hypothetically and don't actually know myself the ins and outs of reunion. I definitely wish you lots of luck in this and hopefully the amom will speak to you a little more frequently. If anything, I hope you, your daughter, and her adoptive family are all happy! (Sometimes I get into 'peace and love' moods LOL).
I wonder if she finds you less "threatening" since you are now pregnant. (Consciously or unconsciously!) It sounds like their are no limits on what you can write on her facebook account. (On the other hand, you probably don't want to be "in your face" with adoption "stuff," like responding to a pic with "Boy, she looks my grandmother."It sounds like facebook may be a non-threatening way for her to communicate with you. She doesn't have to make a special communication with you after she's updated the "family." This is such a complicated road we travel, isn't it? BTW, how is the pregnancy going?
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hp: I get all peace and love like too sometimes, LOL!!! That's why I can't handle it when things look like they are taking a negative turn (the way they looked back when I started this thread!) DD has known since she was 14 that she can have contact with her birthfather, and she was 15 when her mom had a talk with her about me. She knows that her mom and I keep in contact (to what extent I don't know, I don't think she knows it's as often as it is) and she knows that she is supported by her family if she wants contact herself. She's interested passively (ie, she has been caught looking at pics) but that's all I know. She has in the past had some loyalty issues about contact (being afraid of hurting her mom if she shows interest in me) so for that main reason, I just wouldn't go around her mom without her mom knowing. I know that isn't what she would want. I completely agree with you! But sometimes I wonder if her mom is afraid it would upset her, but realistically she just isn't communicating that she would be OK with the burden of initiating contact being taken off her. I don't believe that 18 is a magic number, but should my relationship deteriorate with her mom,(and only if that happened) I don't see why after 18 I shouldn't think about cutting the middle man out so to speak. Does that make sense? Kathy: I wondered that too. I don't think it's conscious on her part, maybe it brings her back to when we bonded when I was pregnant with DD, or she's just one of those people who gravitates towards pregnant women. I mean, It will be DD's half sibling, maybe she takes an interest from that aspect too? Or it's all a coincidence? I am still gunshy to write to her publicly. The last time she put up pics of DD, I wanted to comment, but I wasn't sure if DD checked them out, how she would feel to see "OMG, she's so beautiful!" written by her birthmom under her picture for all to see. Maybe that will change, it could also be an icebreaker for DD to get used to the idea of contact, since she's been working on that for a few years now. I'm feeling good, thanks for asking :grouphug: It is quite complicated!
What you said (about 'cutting out the middleman' lol) DOES make sense. That's why I was careful in my post to say 'try'. Again, if it were me, I would appreciate the effort (whether you were successful or not). For me, even just the act of trying to reach out to the adoptive mom shows a lot of respect and integrity on your part.
I also agree though that if it doesn't work out that continuing contact with just your DD is totally fine. I hope I never gave the impression that no contact with amom means you shouldn't have contact with your DD.
Hopefully, the amom will be more open to you (beyond your pregnancy) because I think that would be easiest for all involved (or at least it would be for me LOL). Even if it doesn't work out between you two though, at least the aparents are very supportive.
I think everything will work out OK =)
(there I go getting all 'peace and love' again lol)
I respect my bdaughter's aparents. They are good people and good parents. But I found that I was hearing stuff from the amother that she said my bdaughter had told her that I don't think I should have been told - does that make sense? I think my bdaughter was venting stuff to her mother that she never thought I would hear. I think there was a lot of misinformation and information getting misinterpreted etc. And I also felt the amother wasn't interested in communicating with me. I was doing 90 percent of the work. So I thought if me and bdaughter were to ever to have a relationship then we would have to develop it between us. So I didn't 'cut out the amother' so it speak as there wasn't much of a relationship to cut out I just stopped making the effort and stuck to the basics with my bdaughter. For me this has worked as I wasn't hearing negative feedback that was very upsetting at the time. I feel if bdaughter wants to communicate with me and get to know me then she will. And she has thankgoodness!
Haven't really been on here much because there hasn't been all that much to say. For the past few months, DD's a mom and I have been leading our own busy lives, but have used Facebook to keep eachother in the loop passively. She keeps her profile current, so it's nice to see what is going on in their world. I did write to her recently and asked to see some pictures of my DD, and updated her on how I was doing. At first she didn't answer, and I thought we were back to that again, but then she created an album just for me and sent me a message to make sure I saw them! She then mentioned that she has been thinking about DD and I meeting and that it might be time soon for that to happen! :woohoo: DD will be 18 in less than six months. I know that it's still some time away and anything can happen, but just the fact that her mom is thinking along those lines is huge. That's progress! We'll see what happens, but I thought I would share with all of you since you've supported me with this for a long time. Thanks!!! Hopefully I'll be able to share more good stuff soon :loveyou:
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Brown, that's really great news about your daughter! Sending good wishes your way!
I can't believe you're 8 months along already! Are you due before Christmas? (Sorry for assuming - do you celebrate Christmas?)
The reason why I ask is because both of my boys have December birthdays, and my absolute favorite memories were middle of the night feedings by the light of the Christmas tree. I never ever minded waking up to feed my boys because it was so quiet, peaceful and beautiful sitting in the dark with the Christmas lights all aglow.
Thanks guys! I know that I haven't been around a lot lately, but I appreciate both of you supporting me :) Love: I do celebrate Christmas, no worries! I'm due in January and unfortunately because I am moving there will be no tree this year (you think I'm putting one up and taking it down, packing it and re putting it up? HAHAHAHA, LOL!!!) but if I did I'd love to sit by the tree with my new Little One :) (((HUGS))))
Ah Brown, I feel for ya! I moved last year right after Christmas. (I was "professionally moved" for the first time in my adult life, although I did most of the packing.) I found out on Monday before Christmas that they were coming the day after Christmas to start loading the truck!!!!) Needless to say, I did not have a tree or decorate in any other way! The only time I moved when I was pregnant was in college... not the same thing! Good luck with the move!
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