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I'm totally doing it. You have to help me tell my out-of-control brain to stop it! As I shared earlier, M called and invited us out for her daughter's (J's halfsis) graduation party this summer. You all know we met for the first time in June '07 out here, had a rocky several months, met again at her home in Jan '08, had silence for over a year, then got the call with this gracious invitation for the whole family just a couple weeks ago. It looks like it will probably be J, Little J and myself going since DH will be in the middle of his summer quarter for grad school (he's on a structured program). I'm happy to be going out there again and for what I think this invite represents (of course I could be overinterpreting, which I often do :rolleyes: )-- that J is a part of this family and I was not just a fake mom. My problem is this, I'm 100% positive that what has always been represented to her extended family and friends are her longstanding claims that she was barred from seeing J, he was lied to about who his "real mother" was and that she was mistreated and abused by DH and his family, and I'm worried that it will color what they say and how they will act to me and J while we are there. So...I'm doing the whole imagining worst case scenarios thing in my head. I'm picturing well-meaning friends who love M and truly believe she was done a great injustice (in the ways I said above), attending the party and attempting to show their support for her by making comments to me and to J that will be based on what they think they know that is untrue. In these imaginary awkward moments in my head, I'm totally at a loss how to respond. I really would not want to give assent or act as if what they said is appropriate or true, but I also do not want to, nor do I think it would be appropriate to, get into how what they said or implied is untrue, especially since it will completely contradict what M has said for years. Her daughter's party would SO not be the place for that, and frankly, it's not stuff I would ever think is appropriate to discuss with people not directly involved. But the thought of smiling and just letting people go on with comments that are just plain wrong or insulting to me or DH or his family, really bothers me also. Let's say people make a point, when speaking to me and/or J, to refer to J and me as stepmother and stepson? Do I correct it or just smile and act like what they said is okay? What if they make comments about the "real mom" thing? It's played a huge role in how this reunion has played out and what if the friends want to do their part to "correct" this in their view of justice for M? What if they make comments of "isn't it too bad...or so sad...or so great..." or whatever, followed by something that is totally untrue? I don't think M or her husband will say anything of the sort. Things have gone very well between us, other than the few standoffs she's had with J over this very thing. He's been crystal clear on those issues. I think M and her hubby will be gracious and hospitable and treat us well. We've happily accepted the invitation and we'll be honored to be there to celebrate sis' graduation. I know how much it means to both J and them that J is there to celebrate it with them in person. I want to keep getting to know sis, as she has been enthusiastically open to us and we hope to see more of her in the future. But now I'm starting to fear the involvement of all these other people who will be at this party, and imagining what "oars" they might try to throw in the water in the name of being loyal to M based on what they've been told in the past. Help. I need a coping stratgey. My brain has run amok.
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Easter Sunday is great time to quote Jesus, right? basically, "don't worry about anything but pray about everything." Try not to get to crazy over the imagined insults, etc. Remember they haven't even happened.It strikes me that the people of Hunker (gotta love that name!) who are M's friends are familiar with M's mental health. Therefore, over they years they have learned to take what she says with a grain or two of salt. I think you could simply say, maybe you didn't hear, I adopted J many years ago, so he is my son.
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Thanks Kathy. :) I know I'm borrowing trouble in my head. In fact, it struck me that it's probably similar to the fear M felt the first time she came out here. I know she feared we would be mean to her. I should assume everything will be fine until proven otherwise. It's just my brain running away with "what ifs". I should pray about it too. I do not want to go into the party with a feeling of having my guard up. I want to just be there as a guest relaxing and having fun and assuming the best about people. BTW...it's only about 2 weeks until our visit! Woohoo!! I guess I'm hitting PA twice this year!
I think Kathy has a great response for things.:) I also think that it just might not be as much of a "in your face" issue as it could be since most people are going to be respectful of the fact that it's a party/celebration for someone. So yes...slow that brain down.;)
I understand the fears though, and I too would want to be prepared with a few comments to stop any "situations". Not to have a guard up, but just confident that I'd be able to handle anything and still have a great time.
Unfortunately mine are always totally inappropriate and politically incorrect which is not suitable for this event. lol!
((HUGS))
Heidi, I am like you....I tend to get my mind in a pickle imagining how to respond to certain things. They when they happen, I always respond differently anyway! I suspect given the nature of the event, there probably won't be too much "drama." Also, since your son is older, could you talk to him about how he would want you to handle things that may arise? My mother is a really classy lady....my dad was a politician and she got all sorts of "junk" thrown her way. I always remember her saying, "Kill them with kindness" which I think is probably the best way to go.
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I had an AHA moment yesterday.As a backstory (I'll try to be quick!) I have a student who is the same age as me, and her story is almost the exact same as ours- in reverse-, and she is in the role of M. Aside from the mental health issues, her account of what happened to her, and the how's and why's line up almost word for word with M's account of her own story, and with the same outcome. As people and as teacher and student, we get along very well and enjoy our time together.The kicker is that even though I've been very clear about our story, and I've only ever referred to J as my son and she knows I adopted him years ago, she will very deliberately "correct" me or just throw her words in as I'm speaking, calling him my "stepson" and referring to M as "his Mom" or "his real mom." Seriously, every time.Yesterday for instance, I was telling her our mini-nightmare of J's truck being wrongfully and illegally towed from his own apt complex parking lot (by another tenant who will be reimbursing the complex for what they reimbursed us) yesterday and whenever I said his name she interjected "your stepson." The couple times a circumstance about M has come up (mentioning our previous visit or the one coming up), she will interject "his mom" every time I say her name.So it occurred to me that I already handle this on a weekly basis, and it's never made my face fall off or my brain freeze or anything. I just correct her quickly with a smile- "I adopted him and he is my son" and move on with the conversation and a second later, it's gone and we've moved on.I think I let my brain freak out imagining all the background stress of the situation and then layered the comment thing on top of it, because visits are stressful, even if they go well. But now I'm reminding myself that I already handle this all the time and it takes 2 seconds and it's fine.Duh.