an anyone top this??

Hi Anne, Wow. There is a grave site for you? What do you think motivated her to do that? You are right. That move may be hard to top. Also, do you still have a relationship with your bfather? Kim

Anything is possible, believe me. My own Bmom came up with some doozies and actually believed them herself. Who knows why they do the things they do. Some will argue and attempt to justify their outlandish behaviors saying that they were covering up pain, they were so hurt, bla bla bla. Truth be told some people just do crazy things and there need not be an explainaton. EZ

i do still have a relationship with bfather and its pretty great. we are as close as say, a neice and uncle. not like father and daughter. But thats alright. i know that the reason she did the grave thing was to keep up the charade that I had died and not allow anyone in the town to know that she had "given" her child away. Can you imagine how embarrassed she was when i showed up alive 28 years later:) LOL

I can understand why she did this. It's extremely tough begin judged for abandoning your child to adoption. People look at you differently when they find out you are a first mother - that's a minor reaction compared to others. I know you think we should stand up and take responsibility for our actions. And that's okay. But on a daily basis peoples' negative opinions grind you down. I have 'dumped' friends and associates because of their negative options of my decision. I regret letting my child be adopted but almost 20 years later, I am now entitled to live mylife as I choose and I don't want to deal with what other people think of something I did two decades ago when my life was a total mess. I am sorry she went as far as making a grave but I don't blame her for trying to avoid the shame that gets heaped on bmothers.

I think this is one the craziest and grossest things I've ever heard! I don't understand the posters who think this is ok and are not even bothered by it. It's extremely tough to be an adoptee too. Just two weeks ago, I had to go to the hospital for a pre-op appt. I get so sick of having to answer medical history questions and having to explain why I know some stuff, but not alot. I've often wanted to be able to forget I was adopted. What if I said that I had a grave built for my first mom and just told everyone she died? I don't think people would be so calm about this.

I agree. I don't understand ether. To make a grave for someone who is alive ( your child )with the sole purpose being to hide your choices, is incomprehensible. I understand not wanting to advertise this very private decision to place a baby for adoption, but to make a lie like this about your child??? Really, it is absolutely repugnant. I really feel for Annelizly.

Totally unacceptable and off the wall!! I don't care how you spin it. It is nuts. OP I am so glad you found her and gave her a dose of reality. I am not saying this to be mean either. EZ

I am sure there are adoptees that say their first mother has died to avoid the questions. Making a grave for a birth mother...it's OT. Making a false grave for a baby is OT. I too feel for the OP - what a shock!. I never said I approved of what the fellow birthmother did. I said I understand. Yes, I do realise there are rude comments and the annoying questions that are said to adoptees and aparents - but sadly it wasn't until I came to this forum that I learned about it! But have you never, ever done something unintentional that ultimately hurt other people? Something that if you could turn back time you would? I bet there are lots of people who have divorced and lost touch with children or ruined their relationships with their kids or maybe worse you were the young driver that lost control and had a smash and someone died...etc. Something that happened that changed your life dramatically and you just wanted to get your life back on track and make the past go away? So you pretend it didn't happen or created a lie and then continue to live with it or moved to a different state and changed your name? I'm not saying what the OPs bmother did was right, but I'm betting she was young and scared and life wasn't going her way, perhaps she had some mental health issues at the time - or still has? and so she did what she did...clearly she wants to continue living the lie by not reuniting.

I have never heard of an adoptee saying their bmom had died. ...unless they were told the mother had died....I have never heard of an adopteee saying their bmom had died just so they would't have to deal with thier existence. It would't wash, to many people already know that this human exists..whereas with an adoptee this mother has made and given birth and because of her own fears and conserns seeks to wipe her baby existence away...then years later when that baby is all grown, that adopted adult is suppose to understand and be ok with the fact that the woman that "gave them life" made them dead....just to make life easier for the mom...geesh.... Rude comments are one thing, a grave marker is NOT a rude comment, its a total dismissal of another human being....all to make life easy for the bmom

dpen,Thanks for your post. You really summed it up.Especially this line...Rude comments are one thing, a grave marker is NOT a rude comment, its a total dismissal of another human being....all to make life easy for the bmomI would add, this action is not only a dismissal of another human being, but a dismissal of her child. Her flesh and blood.Wow. Annelizy was right. It is hard to top this one

Are you sure she wasn't told you had died or been a stillbirth? It was not uncommon for natural mother's to be told their children had died in order to secure the infant for adoption.My Adad had a daughter at 18 who was placed for adoption. His girlfriend, the baby's mother, was told that her daughter had died sometime after her birth and was even given a death certificate. If your nmom had been told that you were dead it wouldn't be one bit out of place for her to have planned a "burial". Unfortunately there are many cases of this very practise often with MANY members of the community involved in the subsequent cover ups. She may have been told of a "death" and later discovered the truth. If she actually went to such great lengths to cover up an adoption knowing fully that the child was alive then YES, SICK WOMAN indeed.

Dpen, I never said the OP had to understand or forgive or anything!!!! However she decides to deal with this shock is totally up to her...I would never tell her how to feel. Yet you are all judging the bmother without looking into the entire situation...only doing what is best for herself to make life easy...jeeeze...that's a low blow... The first mother could have been told baby was dead or she may have had mental health issues at the time or even still has mental health issues now. Or her parents may have decided it has the right thing to do??? If she was young, I'd put money on her parents deciding on the grave. I can't imagine the teenagers I know going through the steps needed to create a fake grave... All I can tell you is in the weeks b4 my daughter was born I had the bfather yelling at me how I had ruined his life, I was so stressed and upset and my head was such a mess I had a car smash, I was fired from my job, I had people telling me what to do...and do you know what I wanted? I wanted it all to go away. I wanted to be left alone and I had ideas of leaving the baby on the bfather's doorstep, runnning away b4 and after the birth, moving to a different country...I was scared, messed up and fearful. My life was falling apart at the seems. I know it wasn't the baby's fault that I had an unplanned pregnancy and I wasn't ready to parent and I didn't know what to do... I want to show compassion to the OP because what she has found would be soul destroying I would imagine...and I also want to sending blessings to the first mother because she has obviously never dealt with her adoption loss. Many of us bmothers compare the loss of our children to a shift in our DNA...I can tell you my life has never, ever been the same again. With hindsight I would have done things different...of course... I have planted trees and flowers over the years in memory of my birth daughter and as a symbol of my loss...is that sick too? Perhaps the OPs first mother has come to a place of stablily and is not capable of doing the mental and emotional work needed for a reunion and to apologise for the past - and have the grave removed.