old, pregnant, and completely clueless!

Also, I'm sure some people on this forum can recommend ethical agencies in your area. The agency you go to should be able to point you in the right direction to get low cost health care and give you other support. I could see where telling your mom could be really hard! You didn't mention whether you want an open adoption or not or whether it would bother you if your mom had a relationship with the child. It's an option that might work for your family. Good Luck!

Well, I broke down today, and fessed up to my parents. I'm disappointed in my mother, but very shocked about my father's reaction!Mom wants to keep and raise the baby. I told her that's not an option! I did mention to her that it might be an option for her to have a relationship with the child after adoption, depending upon the family, but she didn't like that answer. Granted, it would be her only grandchild, as neither of her children have interest in starting a family.My father on the other hand, was completely and totally supportive. He asked if this is truly the option we want, how he could help, and offered to track down information on anything I need, from counseling to medical advice.Here's my great delema though. I really have no interest in children. My interest in adoption is more because it feels right, then because of any religious or moral issues. I'm almost scared to say this, but as this community seems so open and understanding....I really don't want children, don't even like them very much. I'm pretty sure that I won't have much greif or misgivings over giving the child to it's proper family to be raised, and that I won't desire much if any contact with it once it's born. Using the word "it" sounds horrible, but I don't know whether to call the baby "he" or "she" yet.I'm rather confused. The proper thing seems to be to say that I am not able to raise the child, and to give it up for it's own good, but in my case I really don't think I want the child. Is that horiibly wrong? Is that something I should never speak allowed? I admit that I'm unsure of how to deal with these feelings. I believe that it will make it easy to give the baby to a wonderful and caring home, but it seems like it's a horrible way to feel, and even worse to say!

Pangare, Greetings to you, In responding again to your quandry, may I point out, howm much your postings show a very very unsure, confused person in yourself. I only wish to reiterate what some have said...COUNSELING....NEVER ONE THROUGH AN AGENCY/FACILITATOR/LAWYER. One whom has NO interest in the adoption field/outcome, of your CHOICE. It feels right for now...but after that child is born, cries, and you really HEAR and FEEL that cry, life may just surprise you. There is no time frame to relinquish, the best advice...even and especially if you are SURE, is to not make a relinquishment decision, until you at least say hello,spend some time with your bay(it), then after a time, call to relinquish. This is best for your infant, it offers a type of emotional stability, before being placed ino the arms of the mother whom will become its own mother in time. MANY of us firstmoms, would simply have given our right eye, to have had that opportunity. Regardless, and alas, there will be a lonliness, and a sadness, that even though we have many that love us....only you will indeed feel, for life! Others cannot relate to your journey, for only ones whom are living it can teell you. If indeed you are 100% positive, you do not "even like children", then relinquishing will be best for that infant...whom only needs his moms love. Since you feel you "cannot love" your child, it does indeed deserve a mother whom can. Please re-read your last post above me, it shows alot of unsure feelings, almost as if you are trying to convince yourself...this is right. An unbiased, non-adoption related therapist is a must in MHO! Blessings, I do feel for your delema...C.J.

Please don't think I am trying to hijack this thread, but any ideas as to where to find inexpensive counseling? I don't qualify for gov't assistance. I tried the crisis pregnancy center only to find that they get a kickback from the adoption agency for each expectant woman they send. They also prayed that I would be forgiven for having premarital sex LOL - I am 32 and in a LTR. TIA For the OP - I am glad that it went better than expected with your dad.

You know, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children. Many people do not have a desire for kids and make a conscious choice not to have them. However, if you have an unexpected pregnancy and abortion is not an option for you, then the next choice would be adoption (assuming you don't have a change of mind after your baby is born). I don't think it's anything to feel ashamed or horrible about.

Hey Folly, try calling a Planned Parenthood center to get information about counseling. If they don't have a service they can recommend, they can direct you in the right direction. I recently called one in my general area (too far to drive to though) and they spent tons of time on the phone with me, giving me all sorts of contacts, from religious to non religious, from pro this to pro that options. They even offered to mail me literature on anything I needed. Although, my local Planned Parenthood office (I live in a VERY small town) wasn't nearly as helpful, the center located in the larger town was.Cetalley, of course I have conflicting emotions! Sitting down to wite (i.e. vent) after my mother spent much time and effort making me feel very childish and selfish does have an effect on me. I'm well aware that she doesn't intend to make me feel that way, but SHE wants a grandbaby, and feels that I'm being very mean to not give her one. It upsets me, I'm not hiding that fact, and yes, it does make me feel rather unsure about my decision. But like I told her, I have a little bit of time left, I can think about this, it isn't like it's something I can ignore!The emotional strain of having to explain to my mother why I think it's a BAD idea for her to raise my child as her own, at her age, on her fixed retirment income.... well lets just say it didn't go over well. With out my father's support it would have gone much worse.Yes, I too am looking into counseling, but I'm really pretty early in this process. I'm still getting started, and my main concern at this time is proper medical care. I've only known that I was pregnant for about a week now, and I'm assuming that I'm only about 8 weeks pregnant. Of course, I won't be positive of that until I have it confirmed by ultrasound.And much of my confusion is that every where I read, it's people who regret their decision, who wish they had kept their baby, who went on to have more children, and who have chosen to be active in their child's life. My inner confusion is largely based on how will I interact with this child later, if he or she ever does want interraction, and honestly explain why I gave him or her up for adoption. Saying "Well, I just didn't want to raise a baby" seems like the type of thing that would cause much mental anguish! I haven't seen any one address this concern, and I'm kinda sure that I'm not the only woman who gave a child up for adoption because I'm not the maternal type.Yes, I do care for the baby, in the same way I care for any of my family. That does NOT mean though, that I want to, or think I should raise the baby, just as I wouldn't raise my parents, but still love them. I just don't know how to discuss this aspect with a potential adoptive family, with an adoption agency, attorney, or other professional. It seems like a rather taboo subject, and one that no one is talking about. With the anonymity of the internet, it seems like a great place to get advice with out the embarassment of a face to face discussion.

I'm sorry your mom wasn't as supportive as you'd hoped but it's great that your dad was so supportive. I think it's important to get the counseling and keep re-examining your feelings as the pregnancy goes on. But you don't have to justify to an agency or an attorney why you want to place your baby. And as for the adoptive parents, they will be interested to know but honestly, they won't argue with you, they will just be thrilled to raise your baby! You can say that you don't think you are in a place in your life where you can be a good parent. It's not as simple as that, of course, but that's all your have to say. As you said, explaining it more to the child when they are older is where it would get hard.

First I want to congradulate you on your prenancy. Please don't be offended by that, but whether you decide to parent or not this is a new life growing inside you. Albeit unplanned. Also, you do not have to make any decisions at this very moment. Take time and explore your options. My est friend was much like you. She did not have a fondness for children and when she became pregnant was in sheer panic. Add to that the crazy hormones and she was a basket case. Then as the weeks went by, she gradually began to change. The end result was she decided to parent and is a wonderful mother. However, that was her choice, just like this is your choice. I also know a couple of women who enjoy pregnancy but not parenting. Just know that whatever you decided it will be OK. As others have said, counseling will help you sort your thoughts. I am an adoptee that was fortunate enough to be adopted by the greatest of parents so adoption can be beautiful and many turn out to be wonderful. I pray that you find the peace and strength in whatever you decide. EZ

EZ is right. If you are only 8 weeks pregnant you have plenty of time to think about this. You may change your mind several times during the pregnancy. You may change your mind again once the baby is born. That is OK. It's your baby and your life. Only you can make the best decision for you and the baby. I do strongly agree with a previous poster who said to take the time to say hello to the baby before you sign your rights and say goodbye. I was not allowed to see my son when he was born. It haunts me to this day. It was almost 18 years ago and I was just a kid in highschool at the time though. The adoption world is different today and you are a grown woman so the nurses probably won't push you around like they did me. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

Thanks EZ and Gwen.Part of the reason I came here was to hear things like that from people who have been through this. From ALL sides of it.I know what my mind is NOW, but, I always say, I am entitled to change it at any time, I am a woman after all, and that's our perogative. =)Y'all really are a wonderful support system. I'm able to ask questions here that get me an idea of where to go and what to ask next.

I don't know either that I can justify adoption. However, I do know that I sacrifice a LOT to keep my job and my own farm running smoothly and successfully. I have chosen to make those sacrifices and I'm okay with it, but it's not like I can walk away from it all tomorrow. A child would be forced to live with the same sacrifices that I have chosen to make. They wouldn't get to make that choice. Does that make sense, I'm guessing you're in a similar boat? If it's -10 or 110 I still have to be outside working from dawn to dusk, I don't take vacations and I don't buy luxury items. I don't think that it's fair to force a child into a life like that, nor do I want them raised by a childcare provider. As far as changing your mind goes. I can be 100% sure that adoption is the best choice at noon and by 2pm be 100% sure that I could never give this baby up. I'm just learning to go with the flow.

Thanks Folly, I think you've put it much better then I could.I couldn't give up what I have worked so hard to have, and I can't justify a child with the type of life I lead, and I've never had any urge to have them, so it just makes sense to find an adoptive family. Ironically, before this, I always assumed that my logical decision would be abortion, but when the momment of truth came, both of us felt that wasn't the choice for us. I can't explain it, it's just the way it is.So who knows, maybe when the next momment of truth comes, we might change our minds again. I'm willing to go with the flow, and admit that I was wrong. =)But, I have my first ultrasound on Monday! I'm terrified and excited all at once. I figure this is the next reality check I'll face. From looking at a plus on a stick, to looking at an image of the baby is a very different experience. The better half and I, have been discussing adoption options, from open to closed, from agency to private. The center I found for my medical care also has counselors who donate time (not affiliated with the center specifically) and they will hand walk me through the medicaid application and process. Unfortunately, they are a bit away, but it's worth the drive, and they have come highly recommended by friends.Ack, I'm so nervous!

Remember to breathe! And I'm glad that you're getting medical help and counseling! I'm also glad that you're exploring your options and keeping your mind open to the fact that you might change your mind. One thing to say to you, I relinquished my son when I was 18. I was sure it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it was hard. We reunited a couple of years ago and he's great! (he's nearly 24 now). I went through a LOT of years thinking I would never have kids, would never want to have kids, then I met my now husband in 2001 and KNEW. Now I'm 42 years old and raising 6 and 4 year old girls! You never know... Take care and talk away!

Pangare - I'm so glad you are open to all options available. It sounds like your life is controlled chaos, I really do understand what it's like to live that kind of life. A couple years ago (I was 35yrs old) I had a planned pregnancy, then around 8 weeks along I started feeling like it wasn't meant to be, I wasn't meant to parent another child (I had adopted 1 girl and was in the process of adopting another.) I just couldn't see how I could raise the two I had, work a full-time job and run my own business (I own 8 rental homes). It was planned, but I still had my doubts, I miscarried at 12 weeks. The second time around I was 37yrs old, completely planned pregnancy, but that doesn't mean several times throughout my pregnancy I didn't have feelings that I really didn't want to raise another child. I was an emotional rollercoaster because, unlike yourself, I didn't have a partner that was supportive of other options (like adoption). Ultrasounds, growing bigger, feeling him move... none of it made it real. He was born and I still didn't have any natural "mother" instincts kicking in. I was more bonded to my adopted daughters than my son and couldn't get over the feeling. When he was 4 months along I was finally diagnosed with Post Partum Depression with Anxiety Disorder and given meds to help and a terrific, non-judgemental therapist.... THANK GOD! Now I can finally look at life and put it in a different perspective, now I can be the mom all my children deserve. I wish I had sought professional help while I was pregnant. I'm not saying you are having depression, on the contrary what I'm saying is that seeing a therapist can help you sort through your feelings that will fluctuate quicker than you'll change your socks! Even people who plan their pregnancy go through many of the fears and concerns you have. Some medications are safe to take during pregnancy and if you and your therapist are open to exploring those then the therapist will work with your OB. Keep a journal of how you are feeling, it doesn't need to be words... you can use pictures... just some way for you to throw your worries and concerns into a book then close it for the night. When I was your age I didn't think I wanted children either, but then A1 came into my life and I suddenly couldn't imagine life without her. A2 always felt like she was meant to be with us. It took time for T to become a part of my vision of my life... and now that he's almost 9 months old I can honestly say I still have those days where I struggle. Love him dearly but PPD gets in the way of the bond I thought I'd have. My friend has an open adoption, she's single. The bioparents (yes, they are still together) often babysit (even overnight) and have taken the child on mini-vacations and other activities. They are always clear about who the parent of the child is (my friend). They were never in a financial or mental state to raise a child to adulthood (they were also in their late 30's), but as a support system to a single parent they are terrific... and their choice to place their child for adoption with a single parent gave that single parent a support system right from the get go that has made her adoption and transition to being a parent just that more successful. Best of luck with your decision and I'll pray that your child is born healthy and has loving parents to raise "it", whether you're the parents or someone else is the parents. I hope throughout your pregnancy you'll love this child and it will hear and feel the heart of someone who only wants the best for "it". If you choose adoption I hope you will be open to some level of open adoption to the extent you and the adoptive parents would want. It sounds like you are putting your needs and your child's needs first and that is someone (as an adoptive mom) I wish I had for my daughters.

Thanks for the words of encouragement "ranoutofnames". Love your name by the way!We did go to a clinic yesterday (wow it seems like forever ago already) for the proof of pregnancy that every one seems to need. They gave me an ultrasound there, and determined that I am at 12 weeks! It's a bit further then I expected, but not that much. I have been feeling uterus grow exponentially lately, and was sure that I was much more then the 7 weeks that would be according to my cycle. My better half was there with me, again the perfectly supportive person that I wanted and needed. I had a lovely chat with their "counselor" (she's not a professional, that's just her job title) and she said that we made her smile so much, because she hasn't seen a couple as accepting of the situation as we are.My fiancee and I feel that this is something to be embraced and that we should enjoy the experience, what ever the outcome. Granted, I won't be truly happy, until I pass the point where I misscarried previously (16 weeks) but knowing that I am pregnant, I won't make the same mistakes I did then. Even if I don't intend to keep the child, I still want to adore it, and care for it as well as I can. My fiancee said that when he saw the ultra sound, it wasn't that big of a deal at first... we see a lot of ultrasounds of the horses we breed... and then it HIT him, and he said pretty hard. It wasn't a foal, ti wasn't a documentary, it's HIS and MY baby that he was watching wiggle and move and the little heart beat. We had a lovely talk after we got home, and slowed down, and we're both very mentally comfortable about where we're at, and that we're on the same page.And yes, we have discussed parenting as an option, and while it's not something we're ruling out (like I told a friend, even so far as to hang onto the kid's pony I was trying to sell... just incase) at this point we don't see it as the right choice for us. We both accept that we might change our minds, and are ok with that, but it will take more then a few weeks before that would happen regardless. We decided to start prenatal care ASAP, and just see what happens. If in a month we're still sure about adoptoin, then we will begin to choose an agency or family to work with. If we're unsure, then we can wait, if we choose to parent, then we can move forward in that way. We're playing it safe, and keeping our options open, even though we both do feel like adoption is the best choice at this time.We do also know though, that this is a HUGE decision, and we're not going to jump into anything with out weighing all of our options. Financially, it's the worst possible time, but I know there are ways to get assistance. And yet, the lack of intention to parent, as well as the financial burden, it's not something easily overlooked.All in all though, things are going great. My mother got a set of ultrasound photos made for her from the clinic (i got a set of course) and suddenly it was a breakthrough. Mom even took me shopping tonight for "necesities" and we had a lovely girl's night out and did some mother-daughter bonding.I can't help thinking though of all the women who are in my situation with no support, who are scared, frustrated, and have no one to talk to. I've been counting my blessings every day that things are working out like they are. Hehe... either that, or my hormones are on over drive!