Righting a wrong

Hey all. :flower: Warning: rambling post. (Somebody should have that permanently stuck under my Avitar).... Some may remember a few months back I posted about being asked to help throw a baby shower for my dear cousin and his wife (they'd just adopted two babies). At the time, I remember saying that I just couldn't do it; couldn't help with that. You know....I was wrong. I'm thinking my initial reaction was predicated on the fact that my uncle had asked me to help right after sending me pics of cousin taking babies home from hospital. No judgement of my uncle - he's a sweet man - it's just that he's elderly and I think sometimes doesn't understand things. But I wasn't prepared for the emotions those pictures caused. I also wasn't prepared for the pictures themselves which were marked "babies at home" when they came to me. Anyway after I told my uncle that I loved him and my cousin but that helping with the shower was too much for me. And after I'd posted my thread in here........after all that I immediately began to experience this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can only liken it to when you place leftovers in one of your prize Tupperware containers, put it in the fridge and then completely forget it's there until your hubby's in there rifling around for a snack to eat and he comes across the week's old now-moldy leftovers and says, "Honey! I think I found the weapons of mass destruction!" LOL! And you take the Tupperware container to the sink to dump the food out and you're standing there at the sink, face scrunched up in disgust, one eye closed as you open the lid and you're thinking, "Ewww! Grosse! Maaannn this is gonna be ugly!!" It was that kind of feeling. Somewhere in there I also ran across a post of Crick's; one which made me stop and think not because it upset me but because I hadn't thought of things the way she was explaining them. You guys know what I mean? How sometimes a post will stay with you and you can sense that God is speaking through that person's words, trying to get your attention? Hello! God to homo sapien! I have some wisdom to impart! Hello? Anyone home?! The culmination of that book-long stuff above? Another hard admit. If my cousin and his wife would've had their children through the ol' biological method, it wouldn't have bothered me to help throw them a shower. Yet they have their kids through the adoption method and I'm upset? Why? Really...why should I be upset about that? I mean, yeah, okay. I'm a birthmother. I suffered a hard loss. But that's not their doing. Heck, they were just kids themselves when all of that was going on in my life. They're not to blame. If I apply my pain to their joy....well...then I'm not only treating them differently than I would other of my kin but I'm also treating their children differently. And that is not acceptable. It is not excusable. And it's just not good enough. I can do better. Last night I sent out an email to my family to get some kind of little surprise going for my cousin and his wife when they come up to visit; some kind of gift giving for them to celebrate their babies. And when they come up and we're all sitting around outside, holding the babies, talking of life and all that's transpired since cousin left? At that moment I can feel empathy for the bmoms in their grief. And I can also share in the joy of my cousin and his wife for their new family. Because surely in paying homage to both, I dismiss neither. Much regards everyone's way.