Adopted people with children of their own

Dear Jill, I read the rest of your story -- congratulations on your reunion with your bmom! I also was adopted out of foster care, and have now been married for 27 years with 3 adult children. As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom and have children not because I loved kids so much, but because I wanted to be biologically related to another person. As an adoptee, I sometimes felt isolated because I wasn't related to anyone -- having children fulfilled a big part of that need -- I am now complete, one part of a functioning natural family. I've never been the outwardly affectionate type, but I don't feel distant around my own kids. When they were babies, I read a lot about bonding, and I began to realize that I never successfully bonded with my mom. So I made sure I held them; basically I just followed my instincts. I think they've turned out okay despite whatever mistakes I've made. By the time they became teenagers and young adults, they didn't want mom hanging around anyway. So I've just been happy that I was able to have my own children -- I was so afraid I would follow in the footsteps of my amom and not be able to get pregnant or carry to term. I don't envy my kids because they are part of a natural family -- after all, this is the way it should be!!! It sounds like you're doing okay with your own family. Now that you've learned about your brelatives, you should no longer feel that you're the starter of your own family line. Instead you're continuing the lineage. I have found out the identities of my bparents (both deceased), and it's nice to finally have the "real" family tree to hand down to my kids.

I am adopted and I have two kids. I know what you mean about not feeling that attachment you "are suppose to" feel. I wondered if it had something to do with being adopted but I have some to terms with the fact that it is just who I am and not being adopted probably wouldnt have changed it. You didnt mention how old your kids are, mine have entered their teens and my daughter has experienced some heartbreak and other emotional issues. Her pain brought out the protective mother feelings in me. Maybe we dont have the "lovey dovey" relationship other people have but I love and support my kids and thats all they really need.

I have 5 children and if anything adoption has made me apprecxiate my children more. It may be because of the biological connection in that I did not grow up with one but also very much combined with my adoptive upbringing. my adoptive family was a VERY loving family and beleived children are/were the best gift you could have. I remeber my grandmother saying that there is alwys enough room for another child, children don't need to be deserted, there is enough room in their hearts for children. I was brought up to beleive that children are to be cherished. It was a firm belief of theirs, it didn't matterwhther we wereadopted or bio....we were ALL of her grandchildren..I felt that from both sides. I think on some level as a child knowing full well they ww wer enot bio it was enough for me to feel safe, stable, and attached to my family. With that I think it carried over to my children, the thought that they were special and nothing was more important then them in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you with certiany that there are bio's that don't feel that way....my inlaws trly beleived that babies/children are a burden. Your suppose to have them and they loved them but not with the same kind of feeling as my afamily(and no I don't beleive its just an in-law thing). When my children were born I was shocked at thelevel of love and protectivness I felt...I trully would have done anything to keep them safe...was some of that fear of losing them?..maybe..was some of that what was modeled to me? maybe ...I don't know whatwas going on in a subconscince level but I do remeber wanting to continually hold them and want thm to feel safe and loved.....I wanted them to feel my love and know I was there for them.... So I am not sure that adoption has effected my parenting at all ....if anything I feel it has made me feel MORE attached to my kids.

I have 1 child and from the moment I knew she was inside me, I was bonded with her. She was the only person I ever held, hugged or cuddled that was my flesh and blood. But alas I was distant in ways also. I think perhaps it was a defense mechanism that was in place because of my own adoption. Why it was there, I don't know, but as she got older and I saw she wasn't going to disappear, or be ripped away from me, those walls came down and we are extremely close. I've always loved her with all my heart, but I do relate to the hazy distant feeling.

I bonded, attached with my first child so much it frightened me. I'd never felt such a feeling, one look in her eyes was all it took. The first few years of her life I was probably over-protective. Wouldn't leave her with anyone, not even grandma. I had the most terrifying nightmares of things happening to her. The nightmares and daymares were so bad I didn't want anymore children. The fear kept her an only child for 10 years. When I had my son I think I distanced myself a little on purpose. I "allowed" his dad to be the one who bonded the most with him. Dad was his primary bath giver and transporter to and from daycare, favorite playmate, the one he called for when he was hurt or scared. After a couple of years of burying myself at work I realized it left me as the medicine giver, the nose blower, the toy picker upper, the cook, the mom, but not the mom like his sister had. Somehow I managed to stop it. I got jealous of my sons and husbands close connection. I knew what it felt like. But I was happy for them, and happy for my husband to feel that, like I had with my daughter. He's the one with the nightmares LOL But it brought our entire family much closer. My son and I have always been close, and very very close today. But I think I did attempt to distance myself from my son at first because of fear of loosing him, or the fear of thinking about loosing him. As in, if I didn't allow myself to get that close, it wouldn't hurt as bad if something happened to us. Today I say phoey on it, give me the nightmares, we are feelin the love in full force now, and if something ever does happen to separate us, I hope it hurts me so bad I die. I don't care if it hurts, I am not afraid of the pain if we can enjoy the love fully right now today.

As an adoptive mother and a former foster mother to many teen girls, I have seen this happen many times. My grown girls love their children, they go through the motions but claim to be missing a deep connection. They don't have it with anyone else either. We are working very hard on building it b/c 3 of my grandchildren are now struggling with their own attachment issues. In this particular situation, I parented both parents beginning in their teens and both have/had significant attaching issues. I would be happy to share some of the things we feel are working, if you want to PM me.

How about we just accept that people love in different ways? In the beginning I worried that I didnt feel that "connection/deep bond" with my kids. But then I came to realize it is who I am. Is it because I am adopted? Maybe but maybe not. I didnt realize exactly how deep the connection was until they both went away to a week long sleep-over camp. They were 11 and 14 at the time. As a single mom, at first I was thrilled to have time to myself but then I realized that went they were gone, so was a BIG part of my heart. I love and accept my kids in the way that works for us. Worring that the way you love them isnt good enough accomplishes nothing. You love them and take care of them. That is more than a lot of kids have. Accept it and enjoy them in a way that works for you.:love: